Open mind
by pandoramia
Summary: To learn from each other and give love an honest chance, A & C need an open mind. This story is about 'recreation' of the main characters and scenes E.L. James created for FSoG. I DON'T OWN THE CHARACTERS, I DON'T OWN THE UNDERLYING STORY; BELONG TO E.L. JAMES! "English is not my native language"
1. Nightmares

Chap. 1 Nightmares.

CPOV

I wake up with my own cry, sweat and anguish covering my body, my chest closed by a rage that barely allows me to breathe. _What the hell,_ a _nother nightmare_. It's been some time since the nightmares were this often and this vivid, _I need to see Flynn._ It's 5:15 in the morning of Monday, August 9, and there is no point staying in bed. I decide on some exercise. _Yeah, that always helps me, or it will be impossible to get some work done this morning_.

I look out the window, no signs of rain. It's very early but the sky is so blue and clear that blows me away, _summer sky_ , and I start hoping that one day my mind would be that clear, not clouded by so many dark memories. _Right, as if that were possible_. I sigh resigned. _Well ... a man can dream_. I get dressed quickly and go for a couple of miles to the park.

The Foo Fighters are blaring in my ears, setting the pace and allowing me to block my mind, it's a good feeling, a soothing feeling. There is nobody in the park, just the trees, the pavement, and me. I prefer this time of the day to run, I can be outside without annoying people bothering me.

 _What the hell is going on there? Is he attacking her?_ I stop, take off the headphones, and watch carefully, I don't want to misread the situation taking place across the park. _Yes, he is definitely assaulting that girl. WOW!_ All of a sudden the girl starts a self-defense routine, forcing him to bend backward opening his body and kicking him in the right place. He starts screaming and falls to his knees, cursing and throwing threats. A few more seconds pass and he gets up, but sees me and runs toward the bushes. _I better go with her, although that girl knows how to take care of herself, damn_. I slowly approach her, she is in shock so I must be careful.

"Miss, are you okay?"

Her breathing is labored and her gaze is fixed at the point where her assailant disappeared; her body remains on guard like a tigress stalking danger, pending on any movement or noise.

"Please, sit. He can't harm you now." I say pointing to the bench next to her.

"No, he's there, I can sense his dirty look." She whispers without moving a muscle of her face, staring at the same spot. _The analogy is correct, a tigress..._

Suddenly she turns to look at me with the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen, the same blue that made me wish 'the impossible' some minutes ago when looking to the sky. _Stop with the frippery Grey, the girl is scared_. She is young, with a round face and soft features, eyes perhaps too large for her face, detail that is lost into insignificance with that bright, captivating blue. Her hair long, dark brown, gives a perfect frame to the tone of her skin and the color of her eyes, beautiful. _Frippery, focus._

"Thank you, it's a shame this park is no longer a safe place for running, I really like it here." She says and I perceive sadness and rage on her eyes, a mixture that is painfully familiar. "Don't worry sir, there is a security guard coming, it's good to know there is some security here. I'll just go home." She points to a guard who materializes out of nowhere, whistling like there is nothing to worry about in the whole world. I notice that the girl's voice is melodious, with a low but firm tone.

In that moment the adrenaline plays a trick on her, she staggers and her legs become weak falling to the pavement. I grab her in the air, clasping her shoulders to prevent the impact. Her soft body relies on me and I accidentally breathe the fragrance emanating from her head, _alluring_ ; I breathe deeply one more time connecting with some pleasant memories from my childhood. _Ah, the Trevelyan grandparents' house, a refuge from my fears, a home that always welcomed me._ The terror that causes to me her physical closeness vanishes at the sensations her intoxicating scent brings me. I hold her, perhaps with more force than the strictly necessary. I like having her in my arms, but I dislike the attraction I feel. _Let her go, she can stand on her own feet now_.

"I insist you sit on that bench, the adrenaline will be coming and going through your system for at least half an hour and you are nervous." I point to the bench again. "I'll stay here with you a few minutes to make sure that no one disturbs you."

She sits looking at the pavement as I approach the security guard to explain to him what just happened. The guard walks studying her, he looks at me puzzled wondering how someone that little can get rid of an assailant without help. _Yeah, who'd say, that kitten hides a tigress.._.

"Miss, is everything alright?"

"Yes, thank you." She looks at him and he smirks getting closer to her, too much in my opinion, and I feel an inclination to protect this girl who is just recovering from a bad experience. She frowns when feels him so close, and leans backward showing her discomfort.

"Are you sure? Why don't you come with me to have some coffee or tea, honey? You seem to need it and I'll keep you safe." He says with a nasty alpha-male expression on his face.

 _He is flirting. I can't believe it, she was just assaulted by some strange and he's flirting, fucking stupid_. I feel a fire going from my chest to my head and all I want is to punch him in the face, but the exasperated voice of the girl interrupted the course of my thoughts ... and my fist.

"Really? Don't you have a mugger, rapist or worse, wandering around in a park that you are supposed to keep safe?" Her hand pointing all around us. "He can be attacking someone right now, and you are thinking about coffee or tea? Don't you have a job to do, the same that you didn't do when I was being attacked?" _She scratched him, the tigress came back and confronted the asshole. At least now he knows.  
_

The stupid guard looks at me astonished and I glare at him; he apologizes and walks away while talking through his walkie-talkie, I guess alerting the other guards of the park. It certainly is a big place, so there must be more than one person in charge of security. I sit next to her, respecting her personal space, and suddenly I feel curious about this girl, very young and small but with such a strong character.

"It's a shame he didn't receive some training on ethical behavior." I say in an attempt to show my disdain about the whole 'alpha-male-with-no-brain' situation, empathy is not my forte but is a way to show her my position about this kind of behavior. She doesn't answer, staring thoughtfully at the pavement with her head in her hands. A few seconds pass and she says with a hint of sadness:

"I came here expecting to run away from my nightmares, but instead I'm going home with brand new bad memories. Not what I expected." _She has the same problem than me, I can't believe it?_

She suddenly looks at me smiling and whispers with a gesture of complicity, as in confidential. "At least I managed to kick the first asshole where it hurts the most, but it's a shame I couldn't kick the second one, there wasn't 'sufficient reason' for a court to find me innocent." She makes the double quotation marks on the air with her fingers, it's adorable. _Really, adorable?  
_

I can't help it but smile, she is funny despite the circumstances. She suddenly looks at me as if seeing me for the first time, with a mixture of astonishment and fascination, the same look I get from many women and even some men. _I know sweetheart, but it's just a face. Enough._ I look sternly at her showing my discomfort and she looks away. _Good girl_.

"I apologize, it wasn't my intention to bother you, it's just that your eyes are fascinating, a shade of gray I've never seen before. Wow. You look like an Asgardian God from those Superheroes' movies, yeah, the distant cousin of Thor." She pauses and shrugs. "I'm sorry sir, that was inappropriate." _  
_

Her honesty moves me and I smile again. _An Asgardian God… that's a new one_. She is back to the previous position, resting her head on her hands, elbows on her legs, and looking down to the pavement. Nevertheless, I notice how she blushes, definitely adorable. _  
_

"I prefer to imagine myself as Tony Stark." She looks at me surprised and I wink at her so she can notice I enjoyed her remark. "He's one of the main superheroes but he is the imperfect human, he is common and unique at the same time and still manages to save the world like the others." _What am I doing talking with a woman about superheroes?_

"Ah, the megalomaniac hero who placed his name at the top of the tallest building in the city, so everybody can see it from everywhere. Inappropriate with women, arrogant with men, but still a hero... interesting choice." She smirks.

I chuckle. _Yes, exactly, the very same, I even have my own building with my name, sweetheart_. She continues talking:

"We can be common and unique too, except for the 'flying around - wearing an iron suit - saving the world' thing, although that's more feasible for us than being an Asgardian God with hypnotic gray eyes." She feigns being hypnotized and I have to smile… again, _how odd_. I notice I like her mischievous attitude towards me, it's refreshing. I feel comfortable with her presence and good mood. I try to think about a friendly conversation that gives me information about her.

"It's 5:40 in the morning. Did the nightmares wake you up and make you come for a run, or is this some kind of routine?" _Unfortunately, I know all about it_.

"Well, I'd like to say I have healthy routines and exercise every morning, but the truth is I had a nightmare. They are usually horrible. It was 5:00 in the morning and it'd have been impossible to go back to sleep." She says sighing and closing her eyes. _Mm, horrible nightmares?_ And continues with her eyes closed.

"When running my mind goes blank, I enjoy getting lost in the physical effort of running, pushing myself to the limit of my strength; it allows me to silence my inner Judge, so inopportune always... If I stay home some irritating truths will come to me, truths that I can't handle well after these nightmares, they leave me mentally exhausted. My inner Judge is a witch and doesn't understand that it's not a good time, I just want her to shut up and running does that for me." She waves her hand in the air showing her annoyance.

She looks at me smiling. _What a beautiful smile_. But now is worried. "Do you think I'm crazy?"

I'm dumbfounded, this girl is suffering from the same condition than me, awful nightmares and inopportune inner Judges. I wonder about the memories that punish her so hard. But she misunderstands my silence, there is embarrassment on her voice.

"Yes, you think I'm crazy. I guess the adrenaline already left my system, I should go home." _Don't go, no one ever talks to me about mundane subjects so naturally, without feeling intimidated by me_. _No one has ever made me smile three times in one minute._ Suddenly, I'm conscious of the 'normalcy' that surrounds me, a feeling I've always rejected but I'm now welcoming.

"No, please, you just surprised me, you have no idea how similar our situations are. Like you, I came here to run, trying to escape from nightmares and disturbing truths." I say in a whisper, lowering my head for a few seconds. It doesn't feel right out loud.

She looks surprised but makes her gesture of complicity. "What are we going to do? Therapy, sleeping pills or maybe a powerful dream catcher?" I smile, in just one second she has erased the heavy weight of my words. _That's a nice skill, I'd like to have someone like her in my life._ The women in my family, and Ros, are sarcastic but it is not the same, this is a warm sense of humor that makes me feel... better _?_

Her face is clouded by some somber memory. "Are your nightmares frequent? I have at least one per month in my best months and those are rare. Usually one per week, it's hell on earth." She shakes her head and smiles shyly waiting for my answer. I oblige, after all she is showing empathy, no pity.

"To me it's exactly the same. The one this morning was... too much." I sigh but her kind blue eyes keep the darkness restrained.

"Bad memories or is your mind making them up?" She is curious, and again I don't mind telling her.

"Very bad memories."

"Mm, me too. I'd give anything to erase them."

"Yeah, anything."

We stay in silence, I feel some peace growing inside me and embrace it. _What are the odds of running into someone like me? Should I ask her name?_

As if reading my mind she offers me her hand. "I'm Anastasia Steele. I think at this point we should know our names, after all we belong to the same Club 'run away from your nightmares'." I grab her hand smiling… _What is that? Someone is shouting out my name_.

"CHRISTIAN, CHRISTIAN." _Oh no, why now? Not her_. My sister Mia is running toward us from the other side of the park. I'm still holding the hand of the girl, I let her go reluctantly; her skin is smooth and warm, her shake was strangely firm.

Mia hugs me and looks at the girl with curiosity. "Christian, how strange to find you so early in the morning, what are you doing here?"

"Hi, Mia. What are YOU doing here so early and so far from home? At least my place is four blocks from this park." _I better introduce this girl to my sister or she will try to escape again._ "She's my sister Mia. Mia, this is Anastasia Steele, we are members of the same Club." I say winking at Anastasia, she blushes and I feel like scoring a goal.

"Nice meeting you." Mia looks at me quizzically. "My _Tai Chi_ group chose this park to make a public demonstration, greeting the sunrise. It really centered my Chi." _Of course it did Mia_.

"Do not tell? Last week your Chi was centered thanks to that disgusting tea your teacher gave you. What happened to your inner Chi after that?" I enjoy teasing Mia, but she is too used to that after years of training with her two older brothers.

"Christian, you remember!" She smiles arching an eyebrow. "How strange, we saw you last week for the first time in 6 months, and you didn't talk to anyone. It's good to know that at least you were paying attention to our words." I smile back at her. _Oh god, my face already hurts with so much smiling_.

She looks at Anastasia. "My group is waiting for me, see you next time Anastasia. Don't let him annoy you, it's just a mask, there is a good man beneath it." Mia gives me a kiss on the cheek. "It was good to see you, Christian. Come to visit us, we all miss you." _I miss you too Mia, but it's so hard_.

"Take care of your Chi Mia, it needs attention." She rolls her eyes and start walking away. All of a sudden, I remember what happened some minutes ago.

"Mia wait, there is a criminal in the park. Are you with someone?"

"Yes, my group is over there, do you see them?" She points at the entrance of the park, there are some persons. "Don't worry, we are already leaving. How do you know about that?" I register the worrying in her voice.

Anastasia looks down again and Mia notices.

"I'm in a hurry, Christian, I'll call you later to know all about it. Is everything okay?" She makes a gesture toward Anastasia.

"Yes Mia, everything is okay, go with your group but please be careful." I watch her while leaving.

Anastasia is now looking at me with curiosity, biting her lip. _Wow, that's sexy_.

"You have a beautiful and nice sister, you're very lucky, I have no siblings or cousins." There is a hint of melancholy in her voice, family matters to her. "Enjoy every minute Christian, to have a family that appreciates you is a valuable treasure."

 _Christian_. No one calls me by my name except for my family _… and Elena._ It sounded odd and unfamiliar but somehow I like the way her tongue rounds around my name. I am usually called Mr. Grey, Grey, and that's it, but there is something different about this girl, the familiarity in her tone. I remember when one of my submissives used my name, I felt so disgusted that immediately terminated the contract. I'm not feeling the same now.

"Anastasia, where do you work or what do you do apart from 'running away from your nightmares'?"

"Please call me Ana. I work for a man you would like to meet, a megalomaniac like Tony Stark." _I'm sure I already met him_.

"His building is not the biggest one in the city, but everyone knows that 'Grey house' is one of the most important and luxurious buildings here in Seattle, with his name all around the front wall." She makes a pause. "And like Tony Stark, he worries about the less fortunate ones. He cares, he knows the world goes beyond himself." She shakes her head and continues.

"Well, actually he is my boss's boss's boss, I don't know him personally. Don't think I have a crush on the boss." She blushes a beautiful pink.

 _What? That's impossible, I have never seen her there or I'd remember those blue eyes for sure_. Although many people work for me and I don't get to know most of them. _Megalomaniac? I care about the others?_ _Really?_ _And she feels affection for me, even though she doesn't know who I'm._ I have so many questions in my head, and she notices my surprise.

"What's up, Christian?"

"Anastasia, exactly in what floor do you work?"

"Oh, do you work there? Have you met him? I'm on the 16th floor, I write some of Mr. Grey's speeches, actually just the drafts. I started in January and will be there until December." _Of course she is working on my speeches._ I knew that the improvement on the drafts was not due to Sam's effort.

"And how do you know that he cares about others?"

"Oh Christian, you should see how he spends a substantial part of his earnings. I have seen his fight against hunger, his donations where there is a human catastrophe, his contributions to important research projects at some Universities, non-profitable but significant projects. Who does that? It may seem philanthropic but his contributions are concrete and relevant, not to evade taxes but to achieve laudable goals in agriculture, clean energy... He's a good person, he cares, I know."

I'm astonished by her vehemence. She really believes in what I do, she speaks with admiration. _Oh Anastasia, if you knew me better you wouldn't think that way._

"You haven't answered, Christian. Have you met him?"

"Oh yes, I'm on the 20th floor and ..."

"Wow!" Her exclamation stops me. "You see him every day, how is he? I heard once that he is irascible, intolerant, and domineering."

I can't help it but laugh at the last adjective.

"Yes, domineering is the correct term."

"I don't think I'll meet him, I'm always in my little cubicle reading news, writing on the computer, and editing press releases. I try to do the best I can, you know, 'a chain is only as strong as its weakest link' and I don't want to be it." She pauses and looks at me.

"I try to capture that human side of him and not the irascible CEO that is running an Empire. I don't have the last word, of course, I'm just an intern and never get to read the last drafts rewritten by my boss and by him, so I don't know how much of my writing stays." _I'd like to change that_.

"What did you study?"

"English Lit." _A bookish type.  
_

"And your future plans, Anastasia?"

"Just Ana. At the end of the year I will look for a job in some editorial office, preferably a small publishing house. I'd like to learn the ups and downs of the profession. But Christian, I've told you so much about me, what about you?" She smirks. "It's my turn to ask, right?"

"Well, there is not much to say, I am immersed in the world of corporate business, acquisition and improvement of broken companies. You know, you take a sinking company, detect its weaknesses and strengths to inject capital following the study of those; stimulating the right people for the right responsibilities and getting rid of the parasites. After that, you can locate it in the market, according to its potentialities and the demand."

"Uff, I feel so little interest for what you are explaining right now." I have to laugh again, her honesty is disarming.

"Well, you asked, Anastasia."

"Ana."

"I prefer Anastasia, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl." _And another goal, I like that pink on her face_.

"I need to go, Christian." There is the possibility of not seeing her again and that thought makes me sad. _Too sad for 15 minutes of knowing each other._

"Why don't you give me your phone number so I can invite you to have lunch with me sometime? Maybe we can work together on the goals of our Club. What do you say?" _Shit, that got out without thinking_. But I earn a smile and the regret vanishes.

"Of course, Christian, I don't know many people there and my boyfriend never has time for that." _What? A boyfriend?_ Well, obviously she could have a dozen of those, she's beautiful and smart and nic _e_. But I don't like the idea of her with a boyfriend. I'll tell Welch to run a background check on him. I need to know if this boy is worthy of my sweet friend.

 _Jesus, so many wrong things on that thought._ That's none of my business. She is not 'mine'. And she is not a friend. What do I know about boyfriends anyway, I've never been one and I'll never be one.

I register her number on my phone. I must go too or this will be endless, right now I'd like to invite her to have breakfast with me and get to know her better.

"Anastasia." She scowls at me and I feign indifference. "I need to go too and get ready for work, let me walk you outside the park." I get up from the bench and study her furtively. She is slim but sexy in her own way, a small brunette like my submissives. But I don't relate her to that concept. S _he doesn't have a submissive bone in that body._ The tigress, I remember.

I have a good submissive, _Susanne is all I need right now._ So, I know I don't feel that kind of attraction for this girl, it's something else, something I can't locate: affection, closeness, empathy? I know nothing about those things, maybe that's why I don't understand this. With Elena there is complicity, a common history, the opportunity to talk about situations that I can't share with my family, but never this warm feeling, this connection. After an hour, I just want Elena to leave, but with this girl it's the opposite, I want to stay here talking the whole morning about superheroes, strange Clubs, megalomaniac bosses _... And I'm smiling again_.

"Christian. Where are you? Hello?"

I smirk at her. "Anastasia, what happens? Can't a man think while walking?"

She laughs. "But we are already here. Did you get lost inside there?" She points to my head. "That happens to me a lot. My friend Kate uses to tell me that I live in two planets, planet Earth and planet Ana, mostly on the second one." _And another smile in my face, this is getting old_.

She offers me her hand. "It was nice meeting you, Christian. Thanks for staying with me and making me forget that bad moment."

I grab the opportunity and pull her toward me to inhale deeply her hair, committing her scent to my memory. I kiss her on the cheek and whisper in her ear: "It was such a pleasure, Anastasia, I can't wait for the next time."

And another goal, she is almost red and continues clutching my hand. _Mm, her blushing is so eloquent_.

"Yeah, sure, see you around... We work in the same place, right? Eh..., bye." She withdraws her hand, turns and walks away, perhaps too fast, perhaps wanting to go to that boyfriend of hers. _You have no right to be jealous, and you barely know the girl_.

I need my phone, I'm not sure if this is just curiosity but I have to know more about her. "Welch, Grey here. I want a background check on Anastasia Steele, she works on the 16th floor, all the information you gather until 10 in the morning, today. About her boyfriend too... No, I don't know his name... Yes, that can wait until tomorrow."

The Foo Fighters are blaring in my ears again. At least I will run to Escala, I didn't get the chance earlier. But something has changed since then, I no longer have those dark thoughts in my mind, only warm memories of my grandparents' home and the smile of a beautiful sweet girl with blue eyes and dark hair. I'm so curious about this girl. _You should forget about her. You don't need that in your life._ I shake my head knowing that for the first time in my adult life I felt comfortable talking to someone, emotionally connecting, and I want to repeat that, soon.

...

…

APOV

I didn't manage to run too much, but I feel better; it's the outcome of a simple, relaxed talking. _You could have that with a better boyfriend, one that keeps you company at night and makes you forget about the nightmares_. Maybe, it's true that José is always traveling and I barely see him. Although these nightmares are not a new thing, and the solution can't lay on getting needy in a relationship. _It's not about being needy; it's about not being alone_. Okay, I'll talk with José about this.

Christian was nice and gentle, it's a good thing he was around. I hope to see him again, I don't have many friends in this city, even less at work. At some point I felt the connection despite the fact we talked so little about it, we were two haunted souls trying to get rid of the anxiety our demons brings to our bodies. I've never had that with my friends. Even though they can feel sympathy for me and my issues, it's not the same than sharing with someone who actually knows what I'm talking about, what I'm going through. I'm curious about what other coping mechanisms he has besides running. _Yeah, you should share 'recipes'_.

Kate is still asleep, she doesn't need to wake up as early as I do, her work schedule is pretty flexible. I go directly to the bathroom, I need a shower to get a good riddance of the bad memory. Jeez, that man came out of nowhere and attacked me. I've got to be grateful for my good reflexes _. Thank you, Ray_.

...

…

CPOV

"Mr. Grey, I sent what you asked for to your e-mail, both reports."

"Thanks, Welch."

Let's see... Mm, nothing strange, except that she went back to Montesano when she was 15 to live with the mother's ex-husband. That's odd, girls prefer the mother, don't they? But he must be more than the mother's ex if she got his last name. Are the nightmares related to this?

And the boyfriend, José Rodríguez, not criminal records, a young photographer, nothing wrong with the boy. Uff, his schedule is worse than mine, always traveling. Is he cheating on her? Is that the problem? _That's none of your fucking business_. Right, I should probably forget about the whole thing, it's a waste of time.


	2. Mr Grey

Chap. 2 Mr. Grey.

APOV

My workspace is highly personalized, decorated with pictures of me and Kate, me and José, Ray, Mom, my reading group in Portland, also my favorite posters of Literary contests. For me it's important to make my spaces unique and special. It's crucial that even my boss knows that this is my place. I think I'm kind of territorial.

"Ana, it's 6:00. We are leaving. Please remember to turn off the lights. Have a nice weekend!"

"Same to you Carole, I'll leave in half an hour."

So late already. Christian didn't call the whole week, I guess not a new friend after all. That's okay, some people just appears in your life, serves a purpose and then disappears. _And if he works on the 20th, it'd be awkward to have lunch with him._ I wouldn't know how to use the seven forks and nine spoons he surely uses.

It's been a boring week. There wasn't anything creative, just press releases, formal letters, ugh. But I had fun writing that chapter of my Tess of the D'Urbervilles fanfiction. My Tess is a Bitcherella. _Yes, that's fun, but go home and get a life._ My subconscious is always right, well, most of the time, or maybe half of the time? _Oh, shut up, I keep you connected to this planet_. Let's go home, I've worked enough this week.

...

"Kate, I'm home! Where are you?"

"Ana, hi. How do I look in this dress? I'm going out with Roland. What about you? Where is José?"

 _Roland? Wasn't a Carl last week?_

"You look beautiful. José will be back tomorrow morning, had an exhibition in New York." _God, this place needs to be cleaned._

"Okay. Don't wait up, I don't know when I'll be back."

"Yeah Kate, you usually don't know."

"Oh, come on Ana, it's Friday, I need to have some fun."

She hugs me warmly, I love her.

"Just don't get a disease, Kate, be careful. If you drink too much you won't think straight."

"Kay Mom."

I roll my eyes. I'm really worried about Kate, a different man every week can't be healthy, right? _At least someone in this house is having fun_. That's not true, it's just that my definition of 'fun' is slightly different. _You won't make new friends stuck at home_. Yeah, maybe next weekend, tonight I want a good book and a glass of wine.

I clean the apartment superficially and then lie on our comfortable couch to read the book Carole lent me last Tuesday, it's kind of boring. _Like your life_. Uff, annoying cricket in my head.

...

What's that? Is that Kate? I must have felt asleep on the couch…

"Let me go Roland, I said no."

"Come on baby, you know you want it."

"Roland no... Please, NO!"

"Yes, you want this, you've been playing with me the whole fucking night!"

 _Shit, he's going to rape Kate_. "Roland, let her go, she said no."

"Shut up bookworm. This's none of your business?"

"I won't repeat it Roland, let her go and get out of here. You are hurting her. She was clear, she said NO."

"Fuck you."

 _I have to do something, she can't breathe and he's drunk_. I kick him in his right leg and when he looks at me I punch him in the face. _Ouch_ …

"Aaaargh, bitch. Fuck this…"

He leaves the apartment and slams the door. I sigh in relieve, that was a very big and drunk man.

 _Oh no, Kate_ …

"Kate, are you okay? Please Kate, say something."

"I don't feel well, Ana. Everything aches."

"I'm taking you to the hospital, Kate."

I help Kate to stand up and sit on the couch. I grab my coat, Kate is still wearing hers.

"Give me your car keys Kate, your Mercedes is faster than Wanda, let's go."

I've driven insanely but we are here in one piece. _She is so quiet, she's never quiet, oh God_.

"Come on Kate."

We enter in the hospital and it's crazy but I don't know what to do, or who to talk with. There is a nurse.

"Please, my friend was attacked, we need a doctor."

"Oh dear. Come with me sweetie."

She takes Kate's elbow and looks at me.

"Miss, you should wait here, someone will let you know about your friend soon, please go to the reception and ask for an emergency form for your friend."

"Okay, thank you."

Kate squeezes my hand to reassure me but I wince, it hurts.

The nurse looks at me worried. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"

"No, I think I hurt my hand punching that asshole's face."

She smiles, takes my hand and checks it. "I will call a doctor for you too, come with us."

"Thank you."

...

...

CPOV

"Susanne, I want you in my playroom in 15 minutes."

"Yes sir." She's looking down, showing who is in command; I love the feeling of control.

 _Finally, let's have some fun_. Too much work this week, too much tension with that sabotage in Africa. The mercenaries blew up half of the food we are sending to the refugees and it drove me insane. That people is starving for Christ's sake, if it were of some use I'd have taken the ships myself to Darfur. _Not again, just relax and have a good time with Susanne_.

My phone is ringing, where is it? The pocket of the other pants.

"Grey."

"Mr. Grey, sorry for disturbing your Friday night but we have a situation here at the Mile High Club. This is Simon Smith, the manager."

"What's wrong, Mr. Smith?"

"It's about your brother, Elliot Grey, you are his contact person, he passed out."

"What? How?"

"He was involved in a fight and, well, he hit his head against the counter. I'm sorry Mr. Grey, but you need to go to Northwest Hospital, the ambulance is already here and they are taking your brother there."

"Okay, I'm on my way. Thank you".

I need to tell Susanne first, let's get dressed.

I walk down the corridor toward my playroom, and what a sight. Susanne is beautifully waiting for me.

"Susanne, I'm sorry but I have to go, it's an Emergency. We will continue when I come back, I'll wake you up."

"Yes, sir."

 _Fuck! I really needed this._ If Elliot survives he owes me, big time.

...

Where is the reception in this Hospital? So many doors, no signal.

"Excuse me Ma'am. I'm looking for my brother, the ambulance brought him here."

"You need to go to the ER and ask at the reception desk. That red door over there."

"Thank you."

I walk through the red door with the big label 'Emergency' that I didn't see before. _Focus Grey_. Okay, now what?

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Elliot Grey, an ambulance brought him here some minutes ago."

"And you are?"

"Christian Grey, his brother."

He looks at his computer. "Yes, he arrived ten minutes ago. A doctor must be taking care of him right now, I'll let them know you are here. Please fill this form and wait until someone calls you, Mr. Grey."

Twenty minutes I've been here and still not a word. Should I call Mom? I know she is not working tonight, last week she mentioned having a party at some friend's place. I'd better wait until I have more information, Mom works too much, she deserves to have some fun. _Me too_.

I scan the room and see a familiar frame walking toward the chairs on the opposite side of the waiting room. Is that Anastasia? _Shit, she is injured_. I rapidly approach her and touch her shoulder.

"Anastasia, what are you doing here? What happened to your hand?"

She startles, she is nervous. "Oh my God, Christian, you scared me! I'm okay, I'm here accompanying a friend. What a surprise, is everything okay? Are you alright?" She studies me looking for some injure. _Ah, I missed that sweet voice_ , and s _he worries about me_...

"I'm fine. I'm here for someone else too. You have a bandage in your hand Anastasia. What happened?" If it was her boyfriend he's a dead man, how can someone hurt her?

"I punched an asshole's face, I didn't get a good angle and hurt my wrist. Nothing serious the Dr. said." I'm speechless. _Right, the Tigress_.

She sighs and I realize she looks exhausted.

"I need to sit down, Christian, it was nice seeing you again, excuse me."

What? Is she terminating this conversation? Why? _You told her you would call, you didn't_. So what, we barely know each other. _Exactly, leave her alone._ No, I need to know she is okay _._

"What do you mean you punched someone's face?"

She looks at me surprised that I followed her to the chairs. I sit and lower my voice. "Please Anastasia, can you tell me what happened?"

She takes a deep breath. "My roommate's date tried to rape her, I was there and stopped him, I injured my wrist in the process, bring my friend to the hospital, end of the story. I'm fine Christian, but thank you for your concern."

I'm astonished, this girl has gone from an extreme situation to another in just five days, and in both situations she reacted with strength.

"Does it hurt?"

She studies my face and I know she can read my anguish. Almost whispering and very slowly she answers me.

"Yes, it does. But the Dr. said I'll be fine tomorrow, I just need ibuprofen for a couple of days." She makes a pause. "What is it Christian? Why are you so worried? I'm here in front of you, you can see I'm fine."

I don't know what to say, I just… worried.

"Your reaction is not normal. You know that, don't you? It's kind of creepy."

She makes a funny face, smiles, and I relax. _Like in the park_. How does she do that? I was so anxious two seconds ago. "I was afraid someone hurt you, Anastasia."

She grabs my hand and it surprises me, I don't like to be touched. But her voice is like a balm.

"I'm fine, trust me." And I feel it again, the connection beyond words, it's so strange.

"Please, let me do something for you, it'll make me feel better." _For not calling you, for you being injured_.

"I need a cup of tea, that usually helps my nerves. I prefer a glass of wine but we are in a Hospital... Do you have some red wine there, hidden in your jacket? No?" Another smile, she is like a magician and my smile the rabbit on her hat, unexpected and welcomed.

"They gave Kate some sedative and I have to wait a couple of hours until she is released. Would you go with me to the cafeteria? I don't like it here and I don't want to be alone right now."

Wait, my brother… I forgot about him. "Just let me ask something at the reception desk."

In that moment, a tall man asks out loud: "Who is here with Mr. Grey?"

I stand up and walk toward him. "I am. How is he?"

"Mr. Grey is fine, he is conscious now. The scan shows no concussion. Nevertheless we'd like to keep him here under observation for a while, and if everything is correct he can go home."

"Thank you. I will go to the cafeteria and will come back in a couple of hours."

With that I walk back to the chairs and find an astounded Anastasia. Is she in pain? _What are you doing worrying that much about a stranger_. She is not a stranger.

"What is it, Anastasia? Are you alright?"

"Oh my God, Christian, you are here with him, with Mr. Grey!"

"Well, yes but…"

"Oh no please, don't tell me anything. That's why I refuse to google him, I don't want to know about his scandals, or his many girlfriends, or the gossips. I don't want that to bias my work."

Sweet Lord, this girl melts my heart. _What heart?_ Yeah, right.

"That explains a lot. Let's go to have that tea, Anastasia."

"Ana."

"Anastasia."

"Ana."

"Anastasia."

And I'm smiling again, a shit-eating kind of smile. It feels right. Being with her feels right, like in the park. _Oh, please, act your age_.

"Go and take a sit A-nas-ta-sia."

She scowls at me, I like teasing her.

"What is your tea preference?"

"Twining's English Breakfast tea, bag out. If they don't have it, just some black tea, bag out."

Mm, that was very specific, mental note.

I ask for a black coffee and her tea, surprisingly they have her favorite brand. That pleases me, she needs to relax, she is tense, I can tell. I'll try to distract her from what brought her here.

"So, Anastasia…"

I make a pause and she rolls her eyes. _It doesn't bother me, why? It doesn't bother me when Mia does it either._ Do I care about this girl like how I care about Mia? Confusing. A submissive will get a punishment for that. I definitively see this girl in a different light.

"Assholes apart, how was your week?"

She smiles, I like that. _Her eyes!_ I was so worried I didn't remember, her eyes, what a beautiful blue. _Summer sky_. Oh, her scent, I'll try that later. Now it'd be… 'creepy'. I smile again. I don't even resist it anymore.

"Very boring, just routine work, like checking spelling and giving some coherence to the documents and that's it."

She sips her tea. "What about your week, Christian?"

My shitty week, what should I say? The truth. _Start with your name_. No, the moment she knows who I'm it's finished, her easygoing attitude would disappear, I don't want that.

"We lost half of the food we sent to Darfur by ships, I have been so desperate, so frustrated. It's tragic, you know, all that people starving and we can buy them food. I thought it was just a matter of transportation, send the ships, but there is a war going on so it's more complicated than that. We are trying to save the other half of the food to send it by plane. Summarizing, it's been a shitty week."

She looks at me astonished.

"Christian, you care too! You are feeling the suffering of that people, you are identified with them. No wonder you work so close to Mr. Grey."

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Okay."

She makes a pause to sip her tea and looks at me, then blushes when notices my staring look. I can't help it, that blue... Mm, and the goals, the beautiful pink.

"Creepy, don't stare Christian."

I smile again, she is not blushing because she thinks I'm being creepy.

"But I'm talking to you, I need to look at you."

"No, you are staring while I'm sipping my tea. Creepy."

She smiles and I chuckle.

"Okay." I drink my coffee and examine other people's faces, they look so tired.

"Let's change the subject, Christian. Have you gone to the park to run during the week?"

"Every day Anastasia, is been a sunny week. I like running early in the morning, just the trees, the flowers, the birds, and me. What about you?"

"That sounded gay, are you gay?"

 _What the hell!_ Ironically, it's the question my family doesn't dare to ask, and they think I AM gay. How rude! _Frustrating, beautiful creature_.

"No Anastasia, I'm not gay!" I glare at her.

"Oh, come on, there is nothing wrong with that question. It's a new millennium for God's sake." She looks at me with mischievous eyes.

"Yes Anastasia, indeed, it's a new millennium. A man can talk about flowers and be straight, right?"

"Good point, well made Christian."

She smiles. "About your previous question, I hate running. I just do that when… you know, the nightmares."

She makes a long pause. "I'm curious about something but I'm not sure about asking."

"Shoot Anastasia."

"What else do you do to get rid of the anxiety, the dark memories?"

Let's go with the truth again, but this is heavy so I won't give details. "Sex. It's good for decompress."

"Oh." She blushes again, it's amusing. "Maybe I should try that."

She is staring at her cup, red like a tomato. What am I doing giving her ideas like this? I prefer when she seems innocent.

"Really? But you have a boyfriend, or so you said on Monday."

"Well, I don't feel comfortable talking about this with you, so I'll stick to the 'anxiety' part."

She looks at me and I see her struggle trying to compose herself. It's an embarrassing topic for her. _A shy girl._ Superheroes and now sex, every topic is so unexpected around her, they come out of nowhere.

"Of course I have sex, but I don't use it as a coping mechanism after my nightmares, or when I feel too anxious. Maybe I should try that. It's natural, isn't it? Although, I don't have the 'ideal' situation."

She makes the sign of the double quotation mark with her fingers, cute. _Not again_.

"What do you mean?" I know what she is talking about, the absent boyfriend always traveling.

She closes her eyes. "José is always out of town. We were so close in College, but now he gets a lot of invitations all around the country, he is a very talented artist. He needs to take advantage now that he's starting a Career, right? But I feel kind of lonely."

"If you feel lonely, you ARE lonely."

I feel bad for her, but then I'm lonely too. There is nobody with me when I feel the rage and the sadness and the anxiety… I've never seen it that way. _Because you don't need that shit_.

"I know the problem is not just him, he is great when he is around, and I..." She shakes her head, getting rid of some thought, and then open her eyes. "Is your girlfriend always 'available' for you?"

She's so curious. "I don't do the girlfriend thing Anastasia, I don't have girlfriends." _That's for fools_.

"But then how..."

She covers her mouth with her injured hand, opens her eyes in horror and whispers. "Do you pay for that?"

How dare she! I glare at her and she looks contrite as she tucks an escaped strand of hair behind her ear.

"No Anastasia, I don't do that either. I have sexual partners and we… satisfy each other. There is no money in between. And you're getting it wrong. It's not that I, after an episode, release my anxiety having sex. I kind of bottle it, and then release it later... in a particular way."

"Ah, then I can definitively do that."

 _Oh no, I'm creating a monster_.

"How do you do that? To bottle it."

"Years of training. I don't want to talk about this, I don't feel comfortable."

Mostly because I can't stop picturing her having sex and I don't want to. _Fuck_! I can't talk about this with her. It changes the perspective, it changes everything.

"Why?"

"Because I'm monogamous in my relationships and right now I want to uncork the bottle. It's not right."

Let's see if she takes the hint. She opens her eyes like plates and flushes, yes, she took it.

"Well, I'm monogamous too. You can go if you want, THAT never crossed my mind." I know, she's never looked at me that way, another thing that makes me feel comfortable around her. Not like those annoying girls, simpering and mooning over me all the time.

"You are overreacting, we just need to stop talking about sex. It's been a long week."

And again, I don't want her to leave. "Your turn. What do you do apart from running?"

She shakes her head. "I'm less interesting. For me it's reading, getting lost in some fictional story gives me perspective, ironic, and I don't need company for that."

She smirks. "But maybe I change to something more life-affirming, you have very good ideas."

I chuckle, she is making fun out of our awkward situation.

"Let's go Christian. I'm afraid they release Kate and she gets scared thinking she is here alone. Thanks for the tea."

She is a good friend, I like that. Is that Kate a good friend too?

"You are welcome, Anastasia. You really care about your friend, don't you?"

"Yes, maybe now she will listen to me and start self-defense classes. If she is going to be sleeping around with every man she wants, then she needs to go out prepared, and I'm not talking about condoms."

I laugh at her outburst. She is angry and her brows knit together, forming a small v above her nose.

"Good point, well made Anastasia. Let's go to the ER."

...

We are in the ER. She has felt asleep and her head is resting on my shoulder. It's so intimate that I don't want to move and risk the moment. What is this? I feel relaxed and there is a warm sensation in my chest. I embrace the peace again.

Suddenly, a blond girl approaches us, nods at me, and touches Anastasia's arm. She looks familiar.

"Ana, wake up, I'm here, let's go home."

Anastasia wakes up and stands up hugging her friend. "Kate, how are you? How do you feel?"

"I'm fine, Ana, much better now, if it weren't for you..."

She sobs and hugs her friend again. Then turns toward me and offers her hand.

"I'm sorry, I forgot my manners. How are you Mr. Grey?"

She knows me, of course she knows me, she's Eamon Kavanagh's daughter. _Oh shit_. I look to Anastasia and she is in shock.

"Mr. Grey? Mr. Grey?"

"Anastasia, I…"

"Mr. Grey?"

What should I say? I probably made a mistake. "Yes, Christian Grey."

She is so pale all of a sudden. What is she thinking?

"Let's go, Kate." She says without taking her eyes off me. Those beautiful blue eyes looking at me like that... _Painful._

"Good bye... Mr. Grey." _So painful_.

She emphasizes the last words, turns around, and leaves the ER with her friend. _What have I done? How do I fix this?_


	3. Why not?

Chap. 3 Why not?

APOV

"What was that about Ana?" Of course, Kate doesn't understand what happened, I just dragged her out of the ER without an explanation.

"Let's just go home Kate. You have been through enough today, it's late and we need to sleep. I'm really tired. I'll tell you all you want to know, tomorrow." Crap, the Katherine Kavanagh inquisition, I'm so screwed, she is even worse than my inner Judge.

"Ana, spit it out, the short version while you drive us home, tomorrow the long one." _Shouldn't she be exhausted?_ This woman is a horse; nothing takes her down, not even tranquilizers, God.

"He is my boss Kate. Well, actually my boss's boss's boss. You know that, you know I'm doing my internship at his Company."

"So?"

"We met in the park last Monday and started talking, I mentioned I was working there and he didn't tell me who he was, even though HE was one of the topics. He mocked at me Kate, I feel… humiliated." _More like an idiot_.

"Your short version is very short Ana. I don't get it. When I got out to look for you I saw you both in such an intimate position, like close friends, really close if you know what I mean."

"Shut up, I'm with José and this is not about that, I must have felt asleep… I just met a man and thought he'd be a new friend, but in the end he turned out to be my boss, a fact that he purposely omitted and was kind of 'relevant' at the moment. He made a fool of me!"

"Who did he tell you he was?"

"He just said Christian. No, wait, that was his sister, he never said a name."

"The sister? You met his family?"

"No, it was a coincidence; she was doing Tai Chi at the park."

"This is so hard to follow, or maybe are the meds. So, he didn't use a pseudonym?"

"No."

"Then he didn't lie to you, right?"

"Well, no. But he did omit that he was Christian Grey when we started talking about Mr. Grey, ergo about him. It was a lie of omission."

"I see. What else?"

"What do you mean what else?"

"Yes, what else? So far I don't see anything grave and you were really impolite back there. Was he fishing for information about your interest in the Company, about people talking behind his back?"

"No. It just… came out while talking and he didn't want to delve into it."

"I see. What else?"

"Stop with that."

"What Ana? I'm sorry but I don't get your point here. Yes, he should have told you, but it's not like he lie or trick you. You are upset, I'm trying to understand why."

"No, I'm not. We are here. Let's just get in and go to sleep."

…

...

CPOV

Damn, so much coldness in her voice, in her eyes. I feel a void in my chest, but why? What have I lost? I gave nothing, expected nothing, asked for nothing. _Her phone number?_ Yes, I remember my reluctance to leave when actually the situations weren't providing anything, just the carefree exchange.

That's what I'm losing. I was treated like a common person, not the billionaire CEO, the boss, the powerful man. Mm, always trying to put myself above everybody else, and the second I'm treated like an equal, with empathy and informality, I don't want to lose it. _I'm the Master of my Universe, I don't lose things, I get them._ That's bullshit. I don't feel like a Master of anything right now.

I sink deeper into the chair. This's not about losing something I own, but losing something intangible, precious. She gave me her trust and I lost it. I want that back because it was good and even necessary at some level inside me.

Flynn was clear last Monday: O _pen your mind to the possibility of exploring the emotional self that is dormant inside of you Christian, you have repressed it for too long. We were looking for a Goal for your goal-oriented-therapy. Let's make this 'opening to friendship', to new ways to interact, the Goal._

But 'friendship'; you don't sign a contract to know how to handle it, how to stick to the limits, hard or soft. I'm clueless here. Friendship doesn't have safe words, does it? _Uff, this's why I've always been more comfortable alone_. Maybe I just have to ask her, maybe she can help me with this. Or maybe she is not interested at all; she must have lots of friends. _And a boyfriend_.

And what do I have for her? Darkness, lack of social skills… As usual I will disappoint, will destroy _._ There is a reason why, after 27 years on Earth, I don't have one single friend. _Elena_. No, that's different.

"Hey bro. I'm here. Let's go." I didn't notice my brother was here, so deep in thought.

"Elliot, what happened, you fucked up my night."

"Oh, come on, you just work and work. You should thank me bro, I took you out of your hole… Ugh, my head is killing me, take me to my place and go back to your boring life." This's good, the banter with Elliot, I was worried about him. _When you discovered her you forgot about him_. Well, yes, that's true but I didn't leave before knowing he was alive.

"Elliot, it's not funny. You passed out and I worried. You have to be more careful." I put my hand on his shoulder. "I'm glad you're fine Lelliot, you have no idea." My brother looks surprised, must be the last events but I need to tell him I care about him.

…

I bring Elliot to my apartment, I don't want him to be alone. The doctor told him to go back to the hospital if he has blurry vision or unbearable headaches. So I accommodated him in one of the guest's rooms, away from Susanne, lent him some pajamas and made sure he was sleeping.

While watching him I start thinking about us. We were both adopted at the same age but he is older than me. We never talk about that, it's irrelevant for him. Once I asked and he dismissed the issue so easily: _this is my family bro, the rest is just filler. It was bad luck, good luck, I don't care_. He really doesn't care, he's so easygoing, I've always envied him for that. We have nothing in common but I feel him close like the rest of my family. I guess it's a different kind of relationship, forged on the daily contact. And he chose me as his contact person for emergencies, interesting. Taylor is my contact person; it's kind of pathetic but the only way to ensure some privacy.

I leave and go to my bedroom. Here I can think up something to fix this mess. What about sending her an apology, and tomorrow I will see what she does about that? A warm message, let's stick to honesty and familiarity, that's what I want from her:

- **Anastasia. I'm sorry, please forgive me. C.**

 **+Don't worry Mr. Grey, no hard feelings. I hope your father, brother or cousin is fine. Good night. A.S.**

Holy shit, she answered my message so soon, that's a good sign, right? But she is awake, she needs to rest, her hand... Hmm, Mr. Grey and sarcasm, that's not 'familiarity'. I'll insist with some concession:

 **-Don't be like that, please… ANA. (my brother is fine, thanks)**

 **+You'll need more than that Mr. Grey.**

Oh, she is challenging me. Bring it on Anastasia:

 **-Then you will get more than that Anastasia ;)**

 **Have sweet dreams, 0 nightmares.**

 **+Sweet dreams, 0 nightmares**.

She's wishing me the same, she have forgiven me, hasn't she?

That's enough. Tomorrow I will see Flynn and will think about something else, right now I'm clueless.

…

...

APOV

Finally alone in my bed! Kate had so much on her head that she just gave me a strong hug, thanked me for saving her, and went to her bedroom. _Thank God! I didn't have the strength for more of her inquisition._

I'm worried about next Monday, but I'll simply head up and act as if nothing happened, because actually nothing happened, I only said nice things about him. _Then stop overthinking_. This is distressing but it shouldn't be: we just met a couple of times and he wasn't inappropriate, he didn't take advantage of me or anything like that. But he didn't say the truth when he knew it was pertinent to let me know, that makes me sad, it's kind of lying. _Technically, he didn't lie._ I thought I had made a new friend in this big city, one that shared with me what Christian and I have in common. I've never had that before and it felt good. Yes, it filled a part of me I didn't know was empty. _There are therapy groups for that, you know_. It's not the same.

I heard a ping from my cell phone, there is a message. Either José or… Must be José, it's so late, almost midnight. Actually now that I think about it, this week José didn't text me or call me as often as other times, just a couple of messages in five days. Is this situation getting me because I might have unspoken problems with José? Am I channeling my frustration in the wrong direction?

Oh my God, it's from Christian. Mm, no, from Mr. Grey.

 **-Anastasia. I'm sorry, please forgive me. C.**

Just a line, but so much on it! Why is that super-powerful man apologizing? Does he care about how I'm feeling? _Like an idiot?_ Maybe he is truly sorry. He is trying to keep the friendly atmosphere around us with that choice of words. Why? He must have thousands of friends. _Maybe not with the same demons_ … We don't have the same demons, everybody have demons, it's just that ours torture us mercilessly.

The truth is I'm not angry anymore, after going through both conversations I didn't find anything offensive, on the contrary. I'm just disappointed, but mostly about myself because I don't know if I'm taking out my problems on Christian. He's been nothing but a welcome distraction, I should be grateful.

 **+Don't worry Mr. Grey, no hard feelings. I hope your father, brother or cousin is fine. Good night. A.S.**

Another ping.

 **-Don't be like that, please… ANA. (my brother is fine, thanks)**

I smile. Really? Ana?

 **+You'll need more than that Mr. Grey**.

 **-Then you will get more than that Anastasia ;)**

 **Have sweet dreams, 0 nightmares.**

A wink, he's being playful. Well, I like him. He's generous, kind, respectful and he understands me. Should I give him a chance to redeem himself? I'll think about that tomorrow, the fact that he's my boss… I don't know.

 **+Sweet dreams, 0 nightmares**.


	4. Mr Grey vs Christian

Chap. 4 Mr. Grey vs. Christian.

CPOV

Flynn looks intently at me, waiting for me to say something but I don't know how to start.

"Christian, you told me you need to see me today, let's start with how has been your week."

"I… I had a very bad week at work, a situation got complicated and there was nothing we could do to avoid it, I'm so frustrated. On top of it, yesterday, my brother had an accident; I spent the night at the hospital and taking care of him at home. He has chosen me as his contact person in case of emergency, which makes me feel so responsible about him. I just don't get it, why on earth would he choose me. I've always let them down." I make a pause.

"The nightmares are out of control, three in the week, that's too much for my nerves, it's like going through hell over and over again. So, I'm kind of on edge right now." But Flynn eyes me suspiciously, all of it got out too easily, not my usual me.

"You had two more nightmares apart from the one you mentioned last Monday?"

"Yes, Wednesday and Thursday."

"What were those about?"

"The same, just more vivid. The afterward more intense, the anguish, the sadness, the rage, everything is more intense."

"Mm, I'm curious about something else. Did you try what I advised?" And there it's, I knew he will rehash the topic.

"Well, about that, I don't know. I told you what happened was new and refreshing, it felt right, but I'm not sure about trying it. That's not like me, it felt like 'natural' at the moment, but 'unnatural' the next day… Yes, I changed my mind." I make a slight pause to carefully choose my words, so he doesn't misunderstand what I'm about to say.

"I ran into her yesterday at the Hospital and it was like in the park, the same familiarity and sense of ease. She reads me so well... It ended in a strange way, though, my fault. And I apologized, but this morning I felt odd about the whole thing. I've given it a thought and maybe I'm misreading this. I'm 27 for god's sake; I'm too old for all this friendship shit."

"Do you think the rest of the world made their friends when they were younger?"

"No. I think I'm too old to start making friends." I sigh and feel sad while saying that.

"What's wrong? You don't sound convinced."

"The problem is… Look, since last Monday I feel lonely, like never before... I see the people on the street, at the park, in the restaurants, even in my Company, they are having a good time just by talking. All of a sudden, since I met this girl, I feel like I'd like to have that, I really enjoyed talking with her. But then it's too late for me, too late to learn, too late to try. On the other hand, I still believe it's a waste of time."

"I see. You said you felt the same familiarity yesterday?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember how long you were together, just talking or whatever you were doing?"

"We were talking and making each other company until her friend was released from the Hospital. About an hour and a half."

Flynn smiles but I don't have a clue of what he is smiling at.

"Did you feel comfortable all that time?"

"Yes. What is so funny?" I don't like his smile.

"Christian, do you realize you already made a friend? You don't need to 'learn' how to do what you already did. What we don't know yet is if you are capable of developing it, of giving continuity." He studies my face but I try to give nothing away.

"You are not too old for feeding what is a human need, we are social animals Christian, we need to socialize instinctively, we can't help it. You didn't learn how to do it when you were a kid because of your trauma, and after that, you were caught in a very particular dynamic. You were 15 years old, that's the age to learn how to make compatible friends, to get the social skill, but you didn't get the chance. Nevertheless, it's imprinted on you, you are starting later than others, yes, but it's never too late and you are not that old. Are you following me?"

"I understand your logic, I'm not sure it can be applied to my case, but yes I'm following you."

"Look, you felt a sort of human connection that happens to be a human necessity, and now that you experienced it you miss it, you need it, and the opposite alternative makes you feel lonely. You feel lonely because you discovered how is to have company, to have a friend. Someone that is no tied to you in any way was open with you, sympathized and empathized with you like equals. It feels odd when you try to rationalize it, but while you are living the actual situation you say it feels 'right' and 'natural'. An hour and a half is enough time to know if you like or dislike someone. It seems you like her company, her character, there is compatibility."

Flynn is right, it felt unnatural when I was alone and trying to understand it, but when it happens is not odd at all, it's new and I sense the newness, but that's it. The truth is I feel lonely since then... _Do I miss her?_

"I get it. Although I suspect this is related to the fact that I don't feel a direct threat from this person, it doesn't have to mean that there is compatibility. Inside my head, I compared her with Mia, and that's why I opened up with Mia at some point, Mia wasn't a threat. With this person it's the same feeling, but Mia was family and a baby, this girl is a stranger and an adult."

"That's normal, we all accept people if we feel comfortable with them, that implies they don't mean a threat or competition. I don't see the contradiction you are pointing out. And regarding compatibility, I thought we assessed that last Monday, there are reasons to believe both of you are facing similar difficulties, and to go through those difficulties into a conversation with her felt like a way to lighten the burden. Was yesterday the same?"

"Yes, she has this way with words... she used humor to lighten my comments and how I felt on both occasions, without resting importance, she is very skilled at that."

"So. Last night you wanted to continue being in touch with her, but today that compulsion was gone?"

"That's right."

"Christian, why exactly did you call me earlier?"

"I'm not sure. I need to get this week out of my system and my sub is not an option since Elliot will stay with me the whole weekend. There is also this friend-situation that confounds me." I told Susanne to leave Escala while my brother was still asleep, I'll see her next Friday.

"Something else to add about this 'friend-situation'?"

"Yes, there is one more issue."

He smiles again and this time, it's pissing me off. He notices and straightens his face.

"When I was with her I was just… me… in a new way I didn't know. For God's sake, I was talking about fucking superheroes and laughing like a teenager." I roll my eyes.

"I like being that unworried and I didn't force that attitude in me, it just flew that way. Nevertheless, while I can think what this provides to me, I don't see what I'm giving in return."

"I've already told you, you are a very intelligent and sensitive young man Christian, you have gone through a lot, of course you will give in return what you are receiving. I guess you already did but you are unaware of that because you always dwell on the negative. Just be yourself, that new self you mentioned."

He makes a pause, studies me and continues. "Now, I have a key question and I need you to be honest. Do you see this girl as a potential submissive?"

"No. That's why I said I relate her with Mia. It's the first time I met a petit brunette and spend time with her without targeting her as a submissive. I met her kicking some assailant's ass, I can't picture her as obedient and compliant. I just can't." That was fast and sincere, of this I'm sure.

"Mm, I just said everything I can think about Christian. I insist we should make this our goal for the SFBT we have been talking about in the last sessions, focus on that and give it a chance, that's moving forward even though you still don't see it. Try to set a third meeting to have a beer, a coffee, or just go and run around the park. Let's see what happens. Do not assume it'll be uncomfortable when that's not what had happened so far. Open your mind to new experiences. It's not that the ones you are having now are not good, but you need to know the whole rainbow to really choose a color, if you know what I mean."

"I'll think about it."

"Regarding your nightmares…, let's wait some more time so we can relate them to something concrete. I'd like you to explain to me that situation at work you alluded to, and also the issue about your brother. Come to see me next Friday."

"Okay John, you've given me a lot to think about."

"I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't." He shakes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile.

"Trust me on this one Christian, there is a reason why you have kept coming to my office for more than three years."

I leave knowing that I have as many doubts as I had before I came, but also some more to include in my analysis. I will run to Escala, that will help me to clear my head.

...

...

APOV

It's a gray morning, _like your mood_ , fortunately it isn't raining so it's gray but not cold. José should be here any moment and I feel knots in my stomach, like a sense of foreboding that something bad is going to happen. He's been detached the last months. _He doesn't love you anymore_.

Kate left early; she wants to spend the weekend with her parents, so at least my misery is private, with Kate around that's impossible. Mm, I should talk with Kate about the intrusion I perceive when I'm with her, it's annoying.

My phone is ringing, it's José!

"Hi!"

"Hi Ana, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine José. Why are you calling? You told me you'd be here around 9:00."

"Um… I'm sorry beautiful but I can't make it this morning; I'll try to be there in the afternoon, around 4:00. I have to write the last exhibition's summary for the sponsors."

"Oh, okay José. I'll see you then."

"Until then beautiful."

That was pretty strange, and short, not warm words, not need to see me sooner than later. He could've worked on the summary here, he has done that on other occasions. _He doesn't love you anymore_. Yes, I can't deny that, a lot have changed and I just didn't want to see it. I'll go for a run or I will start crying and I don't want him to see my eyes red and puffy.

…

So good that the park is empty, must be the gray sky because Saturday morning this place is always crowded. I'm not fond of people witnessing my misery. Kate always says my face is a window to my soul. _What a poetic way to remark my obviousness_. She always discerns my mood by studying my face. I should make a quick course about how to hide my emotions, to look more adult. Some music will be helpful, some happy tune…

And I'm running like my life depends on it, I'm not saving strength for the coming back but I don't care. This is good and the music lightens my soul, mental note: to make a selection of happy tunes for depressing moments like this, yes.

But then I see the bench where we sat together two months ago, we ate sandwiches there while talking and laughing together, my brain betrays me and one after another the memories of the happy moments I have shared with José, fly toward me. Oh my, this is grief, I'm saying good bye to José and we haven't even talked yet. I should wait before jumping to the worst conclusion. _Do you need more to understand what is really going on_? I feel my tears as they dry with the wind while I'm running, it feels animal, it feels okay. _Let it go Ana_. No, not in public.

Oh no, no, no, is that Christian… Mr. Grey? How should I call him? What a conflict? I don't want to talk with anybody right now, I'm crying for God's sake. I'll turn to the right.

"ANASTASIA." _Shit._ I have to endure the embarrassment of my sorrow all over my face. I take out the headphones, wipe away my tears discreetly with the back of my hand, and head up toward him. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry..._

"Mr. Grey." I nod in response, he's my boss after all, and not any boss but one of the most important 'bosses' in the country.

"Anastasia, what's wrong? You don't look well."

"I'm not. It's kind of private sir."

"Come on Anastasia, don't be a stranger, you are upset and it's not because of me." And there it's, again, the feeling that I'm taking out my problems on this man and treating him unfairly. Why is he worried about me anyway?

"Mr…er… Christian, you are right, I'm upset right now, I'd like to keep running if you don't mind, it's not you, it's…er… Look, I'm barely holding on here. I'm sorry." I wait for him to say goodbye, it's impolite to just turn around and I already did that yesterday, but he is paralyzed like looking for the correct words to make me feel better or to say goodbye, he's perplexed. And it disarms me, to see on his face the reflection of my suffering, letting him without words. I start sobbing because it feels so wrong that my misery can be read on me, that it's so obvious. I cover my face with my hands, it's all I can do to hide my sorrow, and he embraces me tenderly. We stay like that a while, his masculine scent calming me down.

"Come on Anastasia, let's go to some place more private."

He places his arm on my shoulders to keep me on my feet, and makes me move I don't know where. I trust him, he won't take advantage of my vulnerable condition. We walk to a coffee place across the street and head to the last table in a dark corner, he makes me sit with my back toward the other tables, so nobody can see my tear-stained face.

"Would you like some tea?" Oh my god, just like Ray, he always offers me tea when he's lost about how I'm feeling.

"Yes please." I'm calmer now. It was just a weak moment and I feel better, but I don't have the strength to stand up despite the fact I just want to run out of here.

He is in line waiting to be served and a moment later he is at the table with my Twining's English Breakfast tea, bag out. I smile weakly, he remembered. He takes a seat in front of me and stares at me so serious. I sigh deeply.

"Creepy."

There is a shadow of a smile on his face.

"Anastasia, would you like me to kill someone for you? Just say the name."

And I have to smile at his joke. _God, I hope it's a joke_.

"No Christian, but thank you, that's so sweet coming from you." Now he is smiling. "I'm fine, very sad, but fine. I just lost a good friend, or I think I did. I don't know yet, but I'm sure." He stares at me confused, yes, I'm confused too.

"Did someone die?"

"No, it's not like that." I sigh, close my eyes and let it go, out loud for the first time.

"José and I are breaking up." A tear is running through my face and I feel his thumb wiping it away. He's sweet.

"I know it means we lose our friendship too, we'll promise to still be friends but it'd be weird. It's one of the risks of getting involved like that with a good friend; if it doesn't work you lose the boyfriend and the friend, both the same minute." My eyes are still closed, I'm very embarrassed admitting this, it's too personal, and at the same time I want to imagine I'm talking just to myself. José was my first attempt of open up after… _No, don't go there right now_.

"I'm sorry Anastasia. Please drink your tea, is getting cold."

I open my eyes and stare at my tea. The tea will be good for my mood. I need to change the subject, no more José for now.

"Do you realize we keep running into each other? It's weird, and always after an intensely bad moment in my life, three times in a week. I know we are almost neighbors but there are more than six hundred thousand persons in Seattle. It's like you are sent to distract me from reality, and whoever sent you had succeeded every time. I feel better, thank you, Christian." He looks surprised by my words.

"Well Anastasia, I could say the same thing."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"What happened to you today?"

"Nothing specific, but I'm on edge right now. Is been a bad week, and every time I run into you I feel better. You are good company."

"Not right now Christian, not right now." I stare at my tea again, so sad, so empty.

"Yes, you are. Just drink your tea, Anastasia."

I can't help it but smirk.

"Right, domineering, you admitted that one last Monday." He can't hide his amusement at this comment.

"Are you smirking at me, Miss Steele?"

"Yes Mr. Grey, I'm. What are you going to do about it? Fire me?" He chuckles, apparently I still can make a little joke. I'm not totally lost.

"Actually Miss Steele I was thinking of giving you a promotion."

"What?"

"I'm not joking Anastasia, best drafts ever! You wondered last Monday what I maintained from your drafts; well, almost everything. The previous ones were lame and empty; I had to rewrite them every time. But something happened this year, the work I received from Sam was different, well written with accurate data, focused, not too long but long enough. I just had to give them a personal touch and that's it. I guess I have to thank you for that. I'd like you to be in charge of the 'public statements' office in the PR department."

I'm wordless, he has to be kidding me. I'm just an intern.

"But, I just graduated last year, I'm not ready for something that big. I won't feel better if that's what you are seeking." I glare at him.

"I'm not that irresponsible Anastasia. Look, I always work so hard on the new acquisitions, to get the best staff fixing what needs to be fixed, that I temporarily forgot about my own Company. I need to reshape some departments, they are making me work double time because of their incompetence." He's being freaking serious, oh my…

"I don't want to have this conversation now, please."

"I understand Anastasia, it wasn't my intention to bring it out now. But you asked me if I was going to fire you because of your smart mouth. An appropriate response was required." Mm, he is teasing me.

"Well, thank you, Mr. Grey, I feel flattered. I'm not sure I'm accepting that proposition but it feels good to know my efforts are appreciated."

"You are welcome Miss Steele. Your tea." I start sipping my tea again. I feel better, life doesn't end with José, and more work will help me to get over this faster. I can face him and his truth with more inner strength.

"Tell me, Anastasia. What can I do to make you feel better aside from the deserved flattery?"

"You already did Christian, I feel better now. I told you, whoever had sent you…" I close my eyes again, I can't talk about this looking at him, it's embarrassing. I'm not used to exposing my private problems like this.

"I'm in better shape to face José this afternoon."

"What do you mean?"

"He canceled on me this morning in a very distant and indifferent way. He's coming to my place at 4 this afternoon. I guess he wants out, if not I will demand a clarification from him."

"So, you are not sure he wants to break up."

"I told you, I don't know but I'm pretty sure."

"Right. Maybe you are being pessimistic Anastasia."

"I don't like being treated like that Christian, even if he won't mention this, I will. The outcome is I feel lonely, abandoned; it's not fair because I do everything I can to make this work... I'm tired of feeling like this, I wasn't aware of how I was affected by his change of heart, but now that I know I need to do something about it. I'm sad because I know how it'll end, but I have to do this, for me."

"You are such a strong person. Please open your eyes, don't hide." I open my eyes and he smiles reassuringly.

"I'm not strong Christian, you know nothing about me." He looks surprised by my admission, but he really doesn't have a clue about my true self, I'm such a coward deep inside.

"I feel like going home Christian, thank you for the tea. I already owe you two cups of tea."

"You owe me nothing, it's my pleasure. I should go too, my brother will wake up soon very hungry, I need to buy something to eat for him, something nutritive and light the doctor said."

"Chicken soup will be fine. Although I don't know where you will find that at 10 in the morning. Don't you have a housekeeper?"

"Yes, I have a housekeeper but she went to Portland to visit her sister for the weekend."

"You will have to call some friend or your sister."

"I don't have any friends Anastasia, and my brother wants to keep the family oblivious about his accident, there are some shameful details... He will have to resign himself to some juice and toasts until it's lunch time."

 _Not friends, not girlfriends, that's weird, a lot of skeletons in his closet_... "Well, I could help you, Christian, I can make him some chicken soup."

"Would you do that for us?" He looks so astounded that I have to laugh.

"Of course Christian, why not? I need to buy some ingredients, though, give me half an hour. It's pretty easy to cook a chicken soup and it's a way to be even with you, two cups of tea for a pot of chicken soup." He smiles and I smile back. I feel less lonely after some time with Christian.

"I'm sure Mrs. Jones has my kitchen well stocked, we won't need to buy anything. Let's go, I can't wait to try your chicken soup." He stands up but I can't move. _Cooking in his kitchen? Mrs. Jones?_ Must be the housekeeper.

"But Christian, I'm not sure about going to your place; I was thinking about cooking in my place and calling you to collect it." _  
_

"Don't be silly Anastasia, I already have everything you need and the soup will be ready sooner." He is genuinely surprised, he doesn't see the implications of this.

"Well, I guess there is nothing wrong in cooking for my boss's brother since it's an emergency." I will be safe with him, right? _Yes, with his skeletons inside his closet_...

"Is that all I am? Your boss?" He looks hurt and suddenly I don't want to be responsible for that look.

"I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to make you feel bad. Let's go, Christian, I'm making chicken soup for my friend's brother, he is sick and I can help. But in return I want to know about those shameful details, you know, to spicy the morning." His face lightens like a four of July and I sense some relief inside me, even though I'm not totally convinced this is a good idea. Uff, this man is intense and switch his mood like a disco-ball-light changes its colors, it's hard to follow.

Anyway, it's better than spend the day wallowing in my pit of self-pity and crying. I need to save some dignity after all.


	5. My dark angel

Chap. 5 My dark angel.

CPOV

While walking toward Escala, three blocks in total silence, I notice her face's transformation; she is getting anxious, scared of something. _Why?_ Before we go up to the penthouse I stop her.

"What is it, Anastasia? Something is wrong with you."

She hesitates. "I'm not thinking straight… accepting to go to your place… I shouldn't…"

"Why?"

"I don't know you that well."

"Are you afraid I'd hurt you?"

"Yes." I didn't expect that even thought I asked. She's been looking down the whole time, contrite, a wrinkle on her forehead.

"Did I do something to lead you to that conclusion?" I'm offended now. Why would she think so little of me? Mechanically, I run my hand through my hair.

"No, nothing, but that doesn't mean anything."

"What?"

Now she looks straight to my eyes, so serious and pale. "That doesn't mean anything."

"Anything? I thought we had built some trust between us."

She looks down again and whispers. "It wouldn't be the first time."

And then, realization hits me. "You were hurt by someone you trusted?" It gets out more like a statement.

She doesn't answer, her head down, although the answer is right there between us. _Yes, she was._

"Anastasia, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you in this situation." It's not that she doesn't trust me, she has a lot to consider.

"Look at me." She looks at me surprised by my adamant tone, her lips so pale. "Why were you accepting to do something against your good judgment?" According to her point of view she'd be putting herself in danger. _Inadmissible_.

"I don't know." She is almost whispering. "I do trust you, and… you are my friend, I guess… but you are also THE boss, and… I already said yes." She sighs. "I'm sorry; right now I'm a mess." She seems overwhelmed and looks down again.

I see Taylor not far from us. "TAYLOR." I call him making her jump. "Take Miss Steele to wherever she tells you, and then wait until she gives you something for me. I'll be here."

"I'll get the car Sr. Miss Steele." He nods and leaves.

She looks at me astounded and then takes one of my hands. It's not the first time she's done that, I don't like to be touched but again, her voice is a balm. "Thank you for understanding Christian, you are a good person." _I'm not such a thing, am I?_

I remember about her hand when I see mine in hers. "How is your hand, still hurts?"

"No, I'm fine now." She moves her hand to show me and then takes mine back. Her hands are pleasantly warm.

"Well Anastasia, let's exchange some trust here. You'll let Taylor drive you to the supermarket and your place, he won't touch one hair on your head, and I'll eat whatever you send. Mm, you could easily poison me." I raise one eyebrow. "What do you say?"

She grins and squeezes my hand. "Yes Christian, you will lick your fingers… er… I mean… I hope your brother like it." She lets my hand free and blushes her beautiful pink. I sigh in relief, my sweet girl is back. _Your what?_ And the image of me licking makes her blush, interesting, I smirk at the idea.

When she is inside the car I say sternly. "Buckle your seatbelt. Tell me that you will be more responsible about the decisions you are making today."

She rolls her eyes and smiles sweetly. "I will."

I scowl at her but soften my voice. "I hope so Anastasia. Go Taylor."

While going up to my penthouse I think about what just happened with a feeling of unease inside my chest. I'd never hurt her, but what about another person? She is vulnerable because of that fucking boyfriend. I feel protective of her even if we don't have a contract, but in this kind of relationship there is nothing I can do but expect her to be careful, no rules, just promises. How did I go from wanting a carefree talk, to feeling that I must protect her from any possible harm? I knew I wasn't made for this shit and I'd ended up losing control, I always get protective with women because of… _Don't go there Grey_.

I check on Elliot and he's still sleeping. _Is he even breathing?_ Yes, he is. Some pills he took last night, he's knocked out! When the soup is here I'll wake him up, too many hours without eating anything can't be good. I head straight to my office to check my e-mails and get lost reading some proposals until I heard a knock at the door.

"Yes." I snap and wait to see who is interrupting me.

"Sir, I'm back. I let everything on the kitchen counter." _Already?_ It's just 11:20. "Mr. Grey, Miss Steele wants you to know that she didn't poison the soup."

I can't help it but smile and I notice a shadow of a smile on Taylor's face. I straighten my face immediately and so does he.

"Thank you, Taylor. That's everything for today. See you on Monday."

" Sir." He nods. "I'll return tomorrow evening."

…

…

APOV

I finished quickly both kinds of soup and put them in three soup containers, the light one for his brother, and the spicy ones for Christian and Taylor. They should be still hot when arriving at Escala. The Audi SUV has been outside the building the whole time. _Poor Taylor, I hope he has some entertaining inside there_.

I knock on the window and he gets out of the car to receive the containers.

"Thank you for waiting, Taylor." _He didn't have a choice but I can be polite_. "There is one for you too, it's just chicken soup, each container has a label with the names. I hope you like it."

"Well, thank you Miss Steele, you shouldn't but thank you."

"You're welcome. Please tell Mr. Grey that I didn't use any poison."

I get back to my apartment contemplating the important issue I have ahead, José. I need to keep myself busy, so decide for some productive exercise, to clean the apartment thoroughly one room at a time. That will exhaust me and it's kind of mandatory after more than two weeks without a really clean up.

Snow Patrol surrounds me while my thoughts keep wandering through the various scenarios that could take place this afternoon, and the best reactions from me so I can hold onto honesty and dignity.

I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket, someone is calling me. _Christian!_

"Hi."

"Anastasia, how are you?"

"I'm fine Christian, thank you. How was the soup?" I'm nervous about their reaction, maybe they didn't like it. _Come on, it's just soup_.

"It's really good, my brother insisted I call to thank you. The bread was good too, very nice touch." _Oh, thank heavens_. I'm grinning like a child, they liked it.

"It's black bread, I made it myself. Did you notice your soup was spicier?"

"Of course Anastasia, excellent, and you also gave me the satisfaction of watching Elliot sulks after he realized. He even stole some, can you imagine!" I giggle picturing two big brothers fighting over my soup.

"That's a lovely sound. Have you eaten?"

"I'm not hungry."

"It's almost 2:30, you need to eat Anastasia! Stop what you are doing and have some of that soup you prepared for us. Bread too." I feel the exasperation in his voice, like if I committed a major transgression. _Jeez, he really is domineering_.

"Okay Christian, I'll eat."

"Now Anastasia… and… I hope everything goes well this afternoon."

"Thank you Christian, and for calling." With that, I end the phone call and go straight to the kitchen to have some soup with bread. _God, he was right, I was in need of some food_.

…

I vacuum the living room's carpet and with that, I finish. It's 4:30 and the apartment is shining, so I sit on the couch with a deserved glass of red wine, Adele's voice floating on the air, finally feeling something near to peace. _Mm, the satisfaction of a well-done job_.

The door buzzer bursts the bubble. _Oh no, José, I didn't get ready_. I'm still in my sweats, unshowered and yucky; obviously I cleaned everything up except for myself. _Crap_. But I don't have a choice, I open the front door of the building and also my apartment's. José is in front of me in 15 seconds and eyes me disapprovingly; it's obvious he notices I wasn't prepared to receive him, just average Ana. _Actually quite less than average_.

"Ana, cariño." He approaches to me like there is no problem between us and kisses me briefly. He looks at my glass of wine and goes to the kitchen to get one for himself.

Because I'm pending of every movement and every word in order to read the situation correctly, I notice that there's no passion in the kiss. _It's been a week and that's all I get?_ I didn't get a shower but I'm not that bad.

I've never been fond of delaying inevitable discussions, so I make the first move. "José, we need to talk about us."

"I agree." He sits on the couch and palms the emptiness next to him. I diligently go and sit on the spot, looking at him. "What about us, Ana?"

"You've been distant the last two months. You were so loving and expressive at the beginning… Your change of heart is kind of obvious."

He stares at me in silence, I can't read his face but I can read his silence. There is no quick answer trying to erase that thought from my head, so I'm right about the 'change of heart' statement.

"Ana, I just arrived from New York and had to work on that summary, I'm tired."

"You're changing the subject, I'm not talking about today and you know it."

"Yes I know, it's just that I'm tired right now."

"José, I need to talk about this if you don't mind, it's punishing me."

"Okay, Ana. You are right, something has changed."

"What is it José? Why have you been so detached? Did I do something wrong?"

He looks at me intently, genuinely surprised. "No Ana, on the contrary, it was me who did something wrong." _What? What is he talking about?_

José takes a deep breath and something I can't read sweeps across his face. "There is someone else."

My world stops and I gasp. _Oh no_. This is not what I expected, I didn't take into account this scenario, this's worse than what I thought. I was thinking of giving us a chance to fix this if he was willing to do it.

"What? You've been cheating on me?" Now I'm getting angry.

"Yes… no… yes. Carmen and I have been traveling together for the shows. It kind of happened unintentionally, we were alone, we were drinking... I'm sorry Ana, I didn't come this morning because I didn't know how to look at you, I don't feel worthy of you."

"What the fuck, José? Carmen? Unintentionally? That bitch has been flirting with you since your first show." _Oh yes, Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick changing from warm to cold every time I was around_.

José is taken aback by my angry answer. His mouth pressed into a hard line.

"That's not true Ana." And he has the audacity to get mad at me and shows me his discontent.

"Really? I'd discuss it further with you, but it wouldn't change the fact that you've cheated on me, with HER."

"You have some fault too."

"What?"

"You are so stiff in bed, you never get carried away in sex. A man needs that Ana, I need that, I need to feel that I'm desired, wanted. Look at you right now, you never wait for me sexy, seductress. You left me no option but to look for it in another place."

"What?" I stand up and point to the door. "Get out of here José. NOW." And I stop breathing. Is he freaking saying that he is cheating on me because I'm a bad fuck? How dares he to insinuate that I'm responsible for his infidelity. He never talked to me about it, I never got a chance.

"Ana please, you are overreacting."

"I'm not fucking overreacting, and I told you to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, NOW." I'm angry as hell, I just want him out of my space, out of my sight.

"Fine, I'm sick of this anyway, you're making it easier for me. You should get some shrink to cure your frigidness Ana, because that's not my problem anymore."

He gets up and leaves the apartment closing the door carefully after taking a last glance at me.

I sit on the couch and wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself tightly, holding myself together. Torturous memories flash through my mind, we did have sexual difficulties but I never thought they were that big because he never mentioned anything. His harsh words were unnecessarily cruel. _Just forget about what that asshole said_. At least he was honest and got straight to the point, that was a lot for a two-minutes conversation. _A Sicilian breakup, fast and definitive_.

Deep inside I know José is not an asshole, at least not totally. We've been best friends for three years, he's not like that. He's changing, maybe the fame, the attention, the money, I don't know. He was on the defensive and that took out the worst of him, a new José I didn't know. I get up and walk to my bedroom, I need to get out of that couch.

In my bed I hug my pillow, filled with an overwhelming sadness, trying not to think about what just happened.

...

It's just 6:00 and I feel so lonely and sad, again. I don't like this pathetic me, always weeping, ugh. I can't call my mom or Ray, they'd worry too much. _Kate will know what to do_. She is the expert regarding breakups.

 **\- Kate, José and I breakup**

 **\+ :O how r u?**

 **\- :( home.**

 **\+ Let's go out, the Zig Zag, get drunk.**

 **\- What for?**

 **\+ Forget, have fun, get laid, choose.**

 **\- You're incorrigible.**

 **\+ B ready, 8:00. (bored here)**

 **\- :)**

 **\+ :)**

…

…

CPOV

The most interesting thing Elliot and I have done is to watch a movie. After that he ate more of his soup, some soda crackers and went back to bed; he had a headache and those pills make him sleepy. So far no blurry vision. I can tell he's been bored the whole afternoon. _Good, maybe this time he learns not to mess around with someone's girlfriend_.

I've been reading a book of two eco-developmentalists regarding 'Climate change', it's important to know the arguments against and in favor to have an informed opinion. This topic is always raised during business social events. Nevertheless, I've been uneasy about Anastasia since the phone call. She forgot to eat, she sounded nervous and insecure.

10:30 and I should get some sleep, I barely slept last night. Is it okay if I check on Anastasia? Maybe she thinks it's creepy, or maybe she is having fun with that boyfriend, she wasn't sure of anything after all. But I won't get any sleep until I know she is safe. _Fucking Flynn and his advices_. It wasn't Flynn, it was serendipity.

"Hi, boss!" I can hardly hear her, the background is noisy and it sounds like she is at a party or a bar. _Boss?_

"Anastasia, are you okay?"

"Yep, no more crying for asshoooles."

"Have you been drinking?"

"I'm not drinking, I'm getting drunk." She giggles.

 _Hell_. Who is she with? The boyfriend? Her friend Kate?

"Where are you? Who is with you?"

"Kate."

"You should go home."

"What's it to you? I'm a grown wooooman, you are not my boyfriend." She's slurring her words, and a wave of apprehension ripples down my spine. _Boyfriend_? _Am I behaving like a boyfriend?_

"Anastasia, don't drink anymore tonight."

"So domineering. Wait until Monday, then you can get all dominnnering on me, bossss."

 _I should show you 'domineering', and you'd learn_. In any other situation I'd find this amusing but right now I'm worried and mad at her. "Where are you, Anastasia?"

"Bar, drunk, fun, bye Christian, boss, Christian." She giggles again. _Is she laughing at me?_ The line goes dead.

She hung up on me! I stare at the phone in disbelief. No one has ever hung up on me. _What the fuck!_ She is in a bar, emotionally vulnerable and drunk. What was she thinking about? _She deserves to be spanked_. I immediately erase the thought, she is my friend and I'm now sure, if something happens to her... _FUCK!_

Without thinking it twice I call Welch to find out where Anastasia is. I'll go to check on her, maybe there is someone looking after her, maybe not. I quickly change my clothes and drive to the address Welch sent, fortunately, is not too far from Escala.

…

…

APOV

The bar is small and the music is loud. Kate buys a pitcher of Margaritas and after the fifth glass, we are laughing at everything and anything. _Oh God, how are we getting out of here?_ I don't care, I need this, just have fun and forget, I'm 22 after all.

Kate gets up to buy another pitcher. _More? But I'm close to drunk_. This will be my second time getting wasted, the first time I ended up kissing José. Will I kiss someone tonight? Well, I'm single again.

My phone vibrates. _Oh, is Christian_.

"Hi, boss." I giggle internally at my silly joke. _Not a joke at all_. But he gets all worry and bossy and domineering, so I hang up on him. _How dare he!_ I cannot believe how fond I am of Christian, but I really don't appreciate being scolded by him, he's not my boyfriend. My courage is fuelled by alcohol.

Kate comes back and realizes I'm dizzy. "Ana, you are such a lightweight! Have another one and let's go dancing."

Two more Margaritas and we're ready to dance, _yay._ While dancing I absorb the music, close my eyes and my mind goes blank. My body is on its own enjoying the rhythm. How come I don't do this more often? _Told you soooo_. I internally smile at my subconscious, she is so damn right.

Suddenly my head spins. _Whoa_. I should go out and get some air or I'm going to get sick. _Hmm, tequila-based cocktails are not a good idea_.

"Kate, I think I'd better step outside and get some fresh air."

"Go, Ana, I'll visit the powder room."

I make my way out, my head spinning uncomfortably. Why did I let myself get this messed up? I lie on the wall, eyes closed, and let the cold air of the evening shakes some drunkenness out of my system. Abruptly someone grabs my waist, I startle opening my eyes. _Crap, it's José_.

"José, what are you doing here?"

"I just got here, I came with William. Ana, it's so good to find you here, I can't stop thinking over what I said, I'm so sorry about that, please forgive me." _Woah, what were the odds? Although this place is kind of popular._

"José, I got it, you don't need to apologize." I try to get out of his embrace but he tightens his grip on my waist.

"Ana, she was a mistake, it won't happen again, I want you back."

"What are you talking about? We just broke up. You told me horrible things."

"I'm truly sorry for the way I treated you. Let's start over again. You are my best friend Ana." _Yes, along with Carmen_.

"No José, you admitted you cheated on me. I won't go back with you."

"Please Ana, cariño, I can't stop thinking about us. You know we belong together." He pushes me against the wall and tries to kiss me. I smell the alcohol on his breath, he's been drinking too.

I push him away, but he's too strong and I start panicking. "No José, let me go… I don't… I won't… no please." His lips in my jaw. "José no." I want to cry.

"I think the lady said no." A known voice says quietly, menacingly. _Holy shit, Christian. How?_ He's glowering at José, furious, his fists closed. José releases me.

"Christian!" I run toward him and he places one arm around my shoulders protectively.

José is perplexed. "Ana, who is this man?"

"He's my friend." I'm so mad at José right now that I get closer to Christian to send a clear message. _I don't want you near me José_. I feel Christian stiffens so I don't move and he immediately relaxes. I want to verbalize my rejection. "You need to go José."

José looks at us with disapproval, murmurs something that I can't understand, and walks away. All of a sudden everything starts spinning around me and I hold on Christian's arm. He stiffens again but grabs me with both hands to steady me.

"Anastasia, careful. Fuck, you are so drunk" I feel weak and yes, drunk, and soooo embarrassed. _What has just happened?_ Who else will show up from nowhere?

"What are you doing here Christian? How did you find me?"

"I tracked your phone." Of course he did, super-powerful-creepy millionaire. But why? _He's your stalker_. No, more like a Guardian angel, at least as beautiful as one.

"Creepy." He smiles slightly. "Is my Guardian angel sending you?"

That question got out of me without even thinking and makes me feel a bit shaken. There was a time I prayed every day for a Guardian Angel.

"Ask him why he abandoned me when I needed him most." Now he's looking at me preoccupied. Must be the alcohol and the previous panicking, but I start talking from the darkness of my memories, the words get out and I can't control them.

"Tell him that _he_ almost killed me Christian. Where was my Guardian angel when I was pleading for some help, any help? I was scared Christian, desperate, I didn't know what to do and just endured every slap, every punch, every kick." I sigh and shake my head, getting some control back. "At least he sent you today."

Christian is looking at me so tense, perhaps shocked at what I just revealed. I'm momentarily captivated by his mouth. "You are very beautiful, you know? Those chilessed…er… chesssiled…er…chiseled lips, like an Angel. Are you Christian, are you an Angel?"

"No Anastasia, a dark Angel maybe. Come on, I'll take you home." He murmurs.

"Ana, what the hell?" I hear Kate from behind us and turn around to face her, it's too quickly for my state. _Oh God, Kate_ , _I forgot about her_. But that's all for me, my head begins to swim and I don't feel the floor under my feet, I'm floating and darkness surrounds me sweetly, although I get alarmed when hear an expletive from Christian: "Fuck!" and also from Kate: "Ana, shit!"

My knees hurt and everything vanishes away.


	6. The experiment

Chap. 6 The experiment.

APOV

 _Ugh, my head, my knees_. I slowly open my eyes; it's very quiet in here, the light of the day fills a wide and unknown room. I'm waking up in a big bed and next to me lies Kate, she is fast asleep. The bedroom is pretty impersonal, just an impressionist painting of a sailing boat is hanging on the white wall in front of the bed, so maybe we are in some hotel room. At the bedside table, there is a glass of water and I drink it all. The truth is I don't feel that bad after so many Margaritas, must be because I didn't mix drinks. When the graduation I mixed wine, beer, and tequila; the next morning I couldn't even stand on my feet. My knees are in bad shape though, but someone took care of them, the wounds are clean and covered with some red disinfectant.

I get up and suddenly realize that trough a huge panoramic window Seattle is at my feet. _Wow, what a view. Where am I?_ I'm wearing a white t-shirt, bra, and panties, my dress and Kate's are draped over the back of the only chair in the room. I feel the urge to take a shower. That will have to wait, but I need the bathroom anyway. I walk through a door thinking that it might be the bathroom, yet I'm in a vast, empty walk-in closet as big as my bedroom. _Who needs this much space just for clothes_. I tut with disapproval. I try the other door. It's the bathroom and it's even bigger but this I like, I have a thing for big bathrooms and big kitchens.

After I finish in the bathroom I put on my dress and look at myself in the mirror. _Better_. I've washed my face and hands, have brushed my teeth with one of the new toothbrushes that were there, I hope waiting for me to use it, and have tied my hair in pigtails after finger combing it. The two red marks on my knees look horrible but there is nothing I can do about that. My flats are next to the bed, I put them on and I'm ready to explore the place, to find out where we are.

I remember José and Christian, and the embarrassing scene, Christian being the last person I was with so maybe he brought us here. Stepping out of the bedroom I can see this is a big apartment, not a hotel. Maybe Christian's apartment? _Mm, no skeletons in that mega closet._ I go down the hall and downstairs with some pain in my knees. And there he is, sitting on one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar reading a newspaper with a cup of coffee. He hears my steps and turns around.

"Good morning Anastasia. How do you feel?" He notices my red knees and frowns with concern.

"Good morning Christian. Better than I deserve." I'm embarrassed again.

"Come, have a seat, you need to eat something." He stands up and goes to the fridge, but he's frozen in front of it. After a few seconds he takes out orange juice and a bag of pretzels. _Mm, he isn't use to offer breakfast._ I want to help so I set the electric kettle and turn it on. From the cupboard he takes a beautiful tea bag organizer hand-painted, and places it on the breakfast bar. I smile slightly, he knows I drink tea. _Mm, tea, orange juice, coffee and cold pretzels_. I take pity on him.

"Would you like pancakes? I could make some if you don't mind me rummaging around your kitchen." His face lights up. "Please Anastasia, feel free to rummage all you want."

"Do you mind putting some music on? There's nothing like music to cook by."

"Of course." Nina Simone's voice fills the room and I start my task. I feel so freed from what happened yesterday, so grateful for having Christian and Kate here with me, so excited for cooking in this big and perfect kitchen. _And I'm feeling good_ , just like Nina. Breaking up with José was like taking a burden off my shoulders, but I'll analyze that later, now is not the moment. I'm just enjoying the peace that surrounds me; I learned the bad way to embrace this kind of moments that life offers us sometimes.

I turn around and Christian is sitting on one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar again, leaning on it, his face supported by his steepled hands, looking intently at me. He looks both amused and bewildered. I flush. "Creepy" He smiles shyly. I love making him smile; I have the hunch that he doesn't smile enough.

He's been too quiet so I decide to address the elephant in the room. "Christian, I don't know how I ended up here, but I know that I should thank you for helping me with José and for taking care of us."

"You are welcome Anastasia" He doesn't add anything else and stays quiet again staring at me.

"What is it, Christian? Do you want us to leave?"

He looks confused by my question. "On the contrary Anastasia, I like having you here, I just don't like the circumstances that brought you here." He sighs.

"Neither do I." I turn around quickly and continue my task, I guess he's still staring at me but I decide to ignore it. After a few minutes, he moves, takes four placemats and places them. _Four? Maybe the brother is still here_. I don't worry about that, I'm making enough pancakes.

I hear a ring, it's his phone. He fishes his Blackberry out of his pocket and answers: "Grey." He listens intently then turns toward me. "I need to take this, I'll be in my office." _Yeah, like if I knew where that is in this huge place._

I finish setting the table and see Kate walking lazily toward me. She is so beautiful even just waked up, she has a curvy, slim figure to die for. "Steele, your new boyfriend has quite a place."

"Shut up Kate, he's just a friend. Actually, I'm not even sure about that, he doesn't speak to me at the moment." Kate looks at me puzzled. "Strange, he insisted last night we come here so he could take care of your knees, he said I had too much alcohol for doing it. It was his idea, he was so worry about you."

"Did you change me? The t-shirt?"

"Of course Ana, he gave me two of those and left the bedroom, after taking care of your knees like if he was performing a major surgery." She rolls her eyes and I giggle.

Suddenly, someone whistles from the other side of the room. A blond, very handsome young man, greening and looking pleasantly surprised walks toward us.

"Well hello! My little brother had a party last night and didn't invite me." _Mm, the naughty brother_.

Kate gives him a mischievous look. "Don't get ahead of yourself Casanova, my girl here is THE girlfriend." She puts a hand on my shoulder.

I blush miserably. "KATE. I'm not, cut the crap." But she doesn't even look at me, they are involved in a grinning contest. He finally asks, "And then who are you beautiful?"

"Oh, I'm just the friend, you know, the chaperone. Katherine Kavanagh" He chuckles amused and shakes her hand. "Elliot Grey."

"KATE." I need to stop this. "Hi, I'm Anastasia Steele, just… Christian's friend." His smile gets wider and he hugs me taking me by surprise. "Anastasia, you sent me the soup! But the one you made for my brother was better; your friend here might be telling the truth." I blush again.

"He said you had to eat something light and nutritious. Dr. orders."

"Mjm, of course he did. I guess you made these pancakes too, they smell delicious. Let's eat before they get cold."

We seat on the bar stools and start eating. I worry about Christian, he will eat cold pancakes.

…

…

CPOV

I finish my phone call with Ros. The food finally reached its destination in Darfur, the cost of everything: 2 million dollars. We can't make that mistake again, it'd have been better for them to have the money, but then you never know how it's used. Anyway, that issue is finally closed and that people have something to eat for a couple of weeks. _Fuck, so much trouble and just a couple of weeks_. Next time I'm not listening advices from that Senator, I'll go directly to the African Regional Representative to the UN.

I walk toward the kitchen and stop, paralyzed by the sight. Elliot, the Kavanagh girl Kate, and Anastasia are sit at the breakfast bar, talking, eating and laughing like old friends. Must be the first time that something like that is taking place under my roof. My family has been here, but never at the same time and never sharing a meal.

Unexpectedly, like sensing me, Anastasia turns around. "Christian, please come, your pancakes will get cold."

Elliot looks at me with a wicked grin and winks. "Yes Christian, please." I roll my eyes, he will be impossible after this. It's my fault, for turning my place into a fucking hospital.

I sit, take one pancake and star chewing slowly, looking at them with envy, but with that warm sensation that now I know a little more and welcome inside me. The Kavanagh girl and Elliot seem to be sharing some kind of joke about Anastasia, but I can't follow, they exchange winks and Anastasia just rolls her eyes annoyed at them, but giggles at the end.

Mm, Anastasia shocked me last night with her outburst about her past, but she seems fine now, laughing at Elliot's jokes and eating. She handles that very well, she seems a happy and confident girl even though deep inside her past chastises her harshly. A very brutal past.

Elliot and this Kate can't believe they were in the same hospital at the same time two nights ago. _Yeah, what were the odds, and both for the same reason, their promiscuity_. Of course, that fact is not mentioned. And they start a discussion on what is the shortest way to go from Delridge to Ballard, unfuckingbelievable. Anastasia looks at them amused.

"What do you think Grey?" _What the hell?_ That Kate is asking me.

"I don't know, why don't you go and find out yourselves?"

"You are a genius bro. Let's go, Katy, I think we could make a wager." He winks at her grinning like an idiot. Hum, the perfect couple.

"Oh, come on. Are you sure? I'll kick your ass."

"Don't be so sure beautiful."

She turns to talk to Anastasia. "Ana, are you going to be fine if I let you here with your… er… friend?" Elliot chuckles.

Anastasia flushes. "I'll help to clean this up and then I'll go too." _She'll go_?

"Ok Casanova, I'm getting my purse and coat and we can go, I can't wait to witness your defeat." She goes to the guestroom.

Without a warning, Elliot hugs me. "Thank you, Bro. I appreciate what you did for me." It feels awkward but I try to return the hug somehow. I rarely exchange physical affection with my family but I don't want to be rude, and Anastasia is looking at us. I palm his back. "Be careful Elliot."

The Kavanagh girl is back, she hugs Anastasia. "I'll see you tomorrow, this afternoon I have a family gathering. Call me if you need me." Then she looks at me "Grey, thanks for everything." She hesitates but adds, "Ana is like a sister to me, be nice."

Anastasia is flushing again, it's like a defense mechanism, she narrows her eyes at her friend. "My greetings to your family Kate. I'll be fine. Nice to meet you Elliot" Anastasia releases her friend and Elliot hugs her looking at me with an I'm-showing-you-how-it's-done expression plastered all over his face. Fucking idiot, I glare at him, _let her go_. "Thank you for the soup and the pancakes Ana. Don't let Mr. Winter here cold your mood."

Anastasia giggles and starts clearing the plates. I quickly go to help, she's not my submissive after all, and I star organizing everything in the dishwasher the same way I've seen Mrs. Jones doing it. Elliot is shocked staring at me, he shakes his head and finally leaves.

We finish and I invite her to sit with me on the couch, I don't want her to leave yet, even though I've been aloof. I'm kind of mad at her so I really don't understand why I want her to stay. She breaks the ice, as usual.

"Christian, why are you mad at me?" I'm amazed, she can read me so well after such a short time, although maybe it's kind of obvious that I'm not pleased about what happened yesterday night. I settle for honesty.

"You promised me. You told me you'd be careful about your decisions. Yet you went out and got drunk until you passed out when you were emotionally vulnerable. Did you eat last night?" My tone is accusatory enough to make her think. She shakes her head.

"Honestly Anastasia, it's drinking rule number one."

"What's the big deal? I needed to chill out, to free myself."

"By getting drunk?" _Is she an alcoholic?_ "How often do you do that?"

She seems offended now. "I don't usually get drunk if that's your concern, it was just my second time in my entire life. I like to have a glass of red wine from time to time though. Look, José told me awful things, and then Kate offered me to go out and have some fun and I agreed. It was a good idea until all of you showed up from nowhere. And I wasn't alone."

"All of us? Anastasia he was forcing you, pushing you against a wall and against your will. And you were alone when I saw you." What might have happened to her if I hadn't intervened? My mood sinks. "How come you are seeing me at the same level? I just wanted to check that you were fine, and then leave."

She takes my hand, always the same hand, my left one. "You are right Christian, I'm sorry. I already thanked you for being such a good friend." _A good friend? Did she just say a good friend?_

"Do you think I am? A good friend?" I'm astounded, pleasantly astounded. The warmness in my chest is too much and I dismiss it immediately. Maybe Flynn is right and I have something to give back. I protected her, helped her, I was there for her. That I can do.

"Of course you are Christian, I feel grateful for your friendship. I just hope I correspond in some way. And don't worry, I'm not the kind of person that takes advantage of a friendship with the boss. Fortunately, we don't even see each other inside your super-building."

I can't help it but smile. "My super-building?"

She smirks at me, "Yes Christian, you like them big, don't you? Super-building, super-apartment, super-closets, super tower high in the sky. But I have to tell you, my cubicle at the office is kind of small, you take all the 'supers' just for yourself."

"I could change that." _I'll change that, I want her closer_.

"Don't please, as I told you I like to keep things separated. Let's ignore the fact that I work for you." I like the idea. She's being relaxed again, like the first time we met.

She's looking at her knees. "Do they hurt?"

"Just a little, I'll be fine. I'd like to go home Christian, take a shower and change these clothes." _But I still don't want her to leave._

"Okay, Anastasia. I have work to do anyway. I'll drive you to your apartment." She looks at me surprised.

"Work to do? But today is Sunday Christian."

"So?"

"Do you work every day?"

"Of course Anastasia, my 'supers' don't grow on trees."

"But Christian, what's the point of being so wealthy if you don't even have a Sunday?" She studies my face with curiosity. I can't tell her that the point of all this is to warranty that I won't starve never again, that nobody will take advantage of me never again, I'm the Master of my world.

"I have my moments, I'm not just slaving away in my office."

"Oh, what are your interests outside your work?" _Sailing, flying, fucking…testing the limits of attractive brunettes like he_ r.

"I sail, I fly, I indulge in various physical pursuits Anastasia." I smile wryly and she flushes. Does she know what I'm talking about? Let's turn this to herself. "What about you?"

"Well… I told you, reading, writing..."

"Writing…" I'd like to read something written by her. "Would you share some of your work with me?" She flushes her beautiful pink and I realize that I'm getting kind of accustomed to it.

"I don't know Christian. It's kind of private, I even use a pseudonym." Mm, she is being shy. _Don't be shy with me sweet girl_.

"Really? I could find out Anastasia." I arch an eyebrow.

"Of course you could, with your stalking capabilities and your James Bond technology!" I have to chuckle. "But don't, please. I'll send you one of my stories, you have to promise not to be too harsh on me, though."

"Oh, I wouldn't Anastasia."

"Yeah, right, you seem to be in the hypercritical side of humankind. Supercritical if we stick to the prefix that suits you better." And again, my smile, she makes it appears and disappears like a magician.

"Are you writing this afternoon?"

"I'm not sure. I don't want to shut myself in my apartment; I need sun and people around me, so maybe I'll go to take a walk."

"Can I go with you?" _Wait a minute, where did that come from? I wanted to call Susanne for a quick scene when I woke up_. Yes, but then we started talking, and I seem to be more interested in this. It's so satisfying, refreshing, and it's like filling a void that I didn't know existed in my dark soul, a fine ray of light in my dark soul. _You're a poet now?_

"Yes, sure, but didn't you say you have work to do?"

"It can wait until tonight."

"It should wait until tomorrow Christian. It's healthy to have at least one free day in the week to do whatever you want but work." Maybe she is right.

"Are you lecturing me?" She smiles her beautiful smile. "Maybe."

"Take your stuff, let's go. If you want sun and people I have an idea." I'll follow Flynn's advice and let this 'new me' leads today.

"Oh. Okay."

…

…

APOV

I stand up and go to the guestroom for my purse and coat. I check my phone, dead. I'll charge it while getting a shower at home. I go back to the living room but Christian is nowhere to be seen, so I spend the time scrutinizing the room. _Mm, pretty impersonal, is this supposed to be his home?_ The kitchen and dining room the same, like the room I slept in. Just some big, awkward paintings that transmit nothing, the only exception the grand piano. I wonder how his bedroom looks like.

Lost in my thoughts I didn't realize that he's standing next to me. "Penny for your thoughts?" He startles me.

"Christian. How long have you lived here?" I point around us.

"Four years."

"Four years! How much time do you spend in this apartment?" Maybe he has another place, millionaires use to have different houses, don't they?

"A lot, I'm usually here or at the Company's office." He seems utterly confused by my questions. "Why do you ask?"

And all of a sudden I just see him. A sad, lonely soul that, like me, had to deal with a shity hand of cards at some point of his life. I feel overwhelmed by so much sympathy and affinity for this man.

He observes my face preoccupied. "What is it, Anastasia?"

"Nothing, let's go, I seriously need a shower."

…

Christian is waiting for me in my living room and I already took a quick shower. While drying my hair I check my phone, now charged. Oh no, five lost calls from José and one message.

- **Ana, you seem to be very busy with your 'friend'. Call me and don't do anything you'd regret tomorrow**.

 _Wow, the ultimate hypocritical_. What I won't regret is calling him, because I'm not doing such a thing. Mm, I wonder if I'm on the rebound. _Bah, who cares_.

I quickly get dressed; my Asgardian friend is waiting so I need to hurry up. It'll be good to hang out with him because I need to remember the nice things of life beyond the abstract, and honestly, he seems to need the same. We will be sad and lonely together, so, in the end, it will be less depressing. _What you need is another boyfriend_. Well, not in the near future, no boyfriends in at least a year.

I choose a long summer dress, half-leg height, I need to cover my knees and the jeans would be uncomfortable. I go to the living room, Christian is checking our selection of CDs. He looks at me and smiles pleasantly. "You look beautiful Anastasia. May I use your bathroom before we go?"

"Sure. Down the hall, the third door." I point to the hall.

Someone knocks, how odd. Must be Julie, the girl next door, she is always forgetting her keys and we have her emergency set. I open and an infuriated José gets in my apartment and is glaring at me. Some neighbor must have let him in the building, he is well known by everybody after all.

"Why haven't you called me?" He grits his teeth.

"What are you doing here José?" I'm scared and mad at the same time, afraid that he initiates a fight with Christian. I don't want him to ruin my Sunday, he already ruined some months of my life.

"You are losing perspective Ana, you are overreacting and trying to get even with me by sleeping with that man." _What the hell?_

"That's none of your business José. You have no right to speak to me like that." I'm getting angrier by the second.

"Ana you are my girl, I already told you that I'm sorry, stop this nonsense." _His what?_

"What?"

"I'm regretting telling you the truth, you are making such a big deal out of this. You are MY girl, nobody else is." He starts walking toward me and I remember last night; I'm seized by panic and that's all I need to completely lose it.

"I'm not your fucking girl José, I'm nobody's girl. I do what I fucking want with my fucking body and my fucking life, I have no obligation to you anymore. Now get the fuck out of here or I swear that I'll kick the shit out of you. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE and do not come back without my fucking permission. This is my space, MINE." I'm seeing red right now.

José looks at me open mouthed. Yesterday I was angry, but today he unleashed a whole new level of Ana's indignation. Fortunately he turns around and leaves, slamming the door. I collapse on the couch and hold my head with my hands. _Holy shit Christian, he must have heard everything_. I look up and he is there staring at me, his arms folded. I'm so embarrassed. What does he think of me? A different problem or conflict at every turn.

"Those were a lot of 'fucks' for one small girl like you." He seems amused, I thought he would be leaving by now. Maybe he feels obliged to be here.

I look down again. "Sorry about that. If you want to leave I totally understand."

"Leave?" He sits next to me on the couch and palms my back. "Don't be sorry Anastasia. It wasn't your fault and the truth is I'm proud of you, you are a fighter."

"I'm not Christian.." He interrupts me. "You have learned to be one, and right now you are one, you didn't take shit from him. Since the first time I met you, I've seen the tigress inside you."

I grab his hand, he always makes me feel better. "Thanks for that Christian, I really appreciate it. I was afraid you two start fighting" He narrows his eyes in an intimidating way. His voice turning cold and sinister.

"Actually Anastasia, I didn't have the time to rip his head off, when I got here that fucker had already left." _Oh God, he's Hulkisized!_

"Okay, calm down Hulk, I prefer the Asgardian God."

He smiles, hum, the disco-ball-light changing quickly from gray to green and back to gray.

"Hulk, hum. Let's go. You wanted sun and people, right?"

"Right." And I'm in good mood again.

…

We spent the day walking through the Shilshole Bay Marina admiring the boats, the kayaks, and watching the families enjoying their Sunday. Christian invited me to have lunch in a beautiful small restaurant where we had seafood chowder, delicious. _Fortunately just one spoon and one fork_. We didn't talk much; I was relaxed and calm healing my soul from the recent events.

Christian was gentle and courteous all the time, his parents must be really proud of such manners! I also noticed that he looked younger and more at ease than during the other occasions. I guess to be so young and already the CEO of one huge Company must compromise part of your youth and good mood. Today he wasn't the CEO, but someone enjoying the afternoon with a friend.

Finally, he parked in front of my place and we have to say our good byes. Tomorrow back to the normality, tomorrow he's just my boss. I feel a pang of melancholy, I'm going to miss my friend.

"Anastasia, I want to thank you for a lovely day, I don't remember being this relaxed ever." I'm so grateful to hear this knowing that the feeling is mutual.

"No Christian, it's me who should be thanking, you knew exactly what I needed. I'm sorry if I was kind of absent at some moments, that happens to me when I'm so close to the sea; the smell, the color, I don't know. Also, you know, I had a lot to think about."

All of a sudden he gets serious and tense. _Mm, the CEO is back in town_.

"I need you to listen to me without interrupting, please." He makes a pause and I nod. "I don't know if you noticed but I'm not used to have friends, I'm lost here and I want to be honest with you. My therapist thinks it's a good idea to start connecting with people, you know, like equals, like in some sort of friendship. I just have sexual partners, business partners, and employees, I always interact with them within a given set of rules and conditions. Of course there is my family but that's completely different. You and I run into each other by accident but I think we connected at some point, maybe the nightmares issue, I'm not sure, it's still a novelty to me." _Christian style, straight to the point_. He makes a pause to study my face. I open my mouth to respond but he raises a hand.

"No interruptions Anastasia, I'll let you know when I'm finished." _Oh wow, like in high school_.

"Although I've accepted that I want to try this, with you because you are such a special person and I already feel attached to you, I don't want to give you the wrong idea. I'm not interested in a romantic relationship at all, as I told you I don't do the girlfriend thing, never had, never will." So far he hasn't said anything shocking, he mentioned yesterday that he doesn't have friends or girlfriends, and I already know he is a lonely soul, just seeing his un-homey apartment... I know he is a good person though, I'm acquainted with his generous projects. _A merciful soul_.

"You happen to be the first attempt of what my therapist described as 'acquiring a social skill', which means I will screw up a lot of times, if I haven't already." I shake my head and he smiles. "This is important to me Anastasia, and I just want to do it with you. I don't have a set of rules for this and that drives me crazy, I'm lost most of the time. There are some things you need to know about me though, maybe next time. Okay, you had something to say."

 _Mm, yes I had_ … "Christian, three things. First, I don't have double thoughts about you, you know I'm getting out of a personal mess and in my opinion, it'd be a huge mistake to get involved in a 'romantic relationship' with a man right now. For God's sake, I'm talking about yesterday and this morning! I have a hurricane inside me that I need to settle down, so many things to consider about decisions and… attitudes that José pointed yesterday." I sigh and continue.

"Second, I think you are a good friend already, even though you said this's your first attempt to accept being one. By the way, I'd like to know why if you don't mind, maybe in the near future. And about screwing things up, well Christian, that's only human and something I do a lot regardless my experience, some kind of annoying karma." He's smiling, but also tense. I stop to think well the next thing I want to say, and he starts talking.

"Oh no Christian, I'm not finished, I'll let you know." He chuckles, that's a good sign, he is relaxed again.

"And third. Are you saying that I'm part of some expensive charlatan's experiment?"

He laughs out loud. "You can say it like that Anastasia, although I'd prefer you to think about this differently."

I take his hand, I like doing that to reassure him, Ray uses to do that to me and it always works. "I thank you again for a peaceful afternoon, just what I needed. I must say I'm flattered by you choosing me to start what will be a positive change in your life, I agree with the expensive charlatan. I don't think I'm the best subject for the experiment, though, I'm such a messy mess, maybe I need to hire a charlatan too, I'm in need of some advice."

"You are the best subject Anastasia, believe me." He smiles shyly and looks his age again.

"Good bye Christian."

"Until next time Anastasia, please be careful with whom you open your door."

He waits until I'm inside, _such manners_ , and I go up to my apartment knowing that life is giving me some equilibrium, I lose a disloyal boyfriend and gain a creepy friend. _Life is only fair_.


	7. The office

Chap. 7 The office.

APOV

It's Monday and I'm in the same place, same time, everything the same than every other Monday since January. But there is something different, something has changed. I look around: my pictures; _I need to get rid of that one with José_ ; my posters, the laptop, the files, even the color of the walls. It's all the same. Then what? _Me_. I'm not the same. Is that good? Is that bad?

I meant it as a joke but it's time to face it, I need help. I've avoided the topic with Kate for ages, but I can't live in denial any more. I thought hooking up with someone would be part of the solution, so I got drunk and José was there. Next day I couldn't make it what it was because José saw it differently, like I was really into him. I was just drunk and depressed for God's sake; I was finishing College in the same condition than _he_ left me. Alone and unable to feel desire for a man. So a boyfriend, a 'normal' boyfriend and problem solved, that's what I thought when José started acting like one. How wrong I was!

José was feeling empty, he could sense I wasn't really 'committed', he wasn't helping either. And his way of coping with it, well, despicable, after all, we were friends. I'd have expected more even from a frustrated José. Nevertheless, I know, I painfully know that this was my fault. For thinking I could fix that broken part inside me by adding him to the equation. So wrong! Fortunately, he's stopped calling or texting me, he got the message yesterday.

Carole sent me some documents I should go through to correct and complete, that will distract me from my train of thought. Although it's already clear, I'll look for help, I'm strong but not that strong. If a powerful and self-centered man like Christian Grey has a psychiatrist, then it's okay if I get one too. I don't need more solitude or broken relationships for realizing that I've been unable to fix my hurdles by myself.

"Ana… Ana"

"Oh Carole, I'm sorry, I was distracted."

"Your presence has been requested on the top floor" Wow, what a cold way to say that. What is wrong with Carole? Maybe her presence was never requested on that floor.

"How come?" I ask even though I already know why, Carole should be oblivious about my relation with her boss's boss.

"No idea. You need to ask for Miss Cohen, Andrea Cohen. She is the one who called asking for you." I have no idea who that is. It doesn't matter, eventually I'll be send to Christian's office, he already told me about that promotion. Uff, I'm not sure about that, although I need the extra work, the extra money, and the extra challenge; I'm getting tired of checking grammar and spelling, making summaries of boring news. But it kind of feels like taking advantage of our… friendship?

The elevator's door slide open and I stare in disbelieve. Everything up here is so clinical and modern: glass, steel, white sandstone everywhere. A couple of impeccable blonde young women are sat behind a huge white desk, another two blondes are getting inside some office. Am I on the 20th floor or did I just enter into another dimension? _Some space ship this is_. I try to analyze my surroundings but I can't "see" Christian anywhere in this place, like his pent-house this is so impersonal and cold, or maybe this's his style, detached clinical style.

I chose the blonde near the elevator. "Excuse me, Miss Cohen asked me to come up. I'm Anastasia Steele." She smiles and rises to greet me. What a relieve, she is not some Japanese robot.

"Miss Steele, could you wait there, please? Miss Cohen will be here soon" She points to my left where a seated area with white leather chairs is.

Two minutes later another flawlessly dressed blonde comes out of a large door. Blonde number one murmurs something on her ear and she looks at me with disbelieve. It's official, I'm getting nervous. What with the many blondes? Does he have a sexual fixation or something? Is that even legal? Maybe he decided that I could be his friend because I was a brunette, a plain clumsy brunette, so he could see me as a dude. Well, that wounds my ego but at the same time is a relieve, I'm not in danger with him. I'm not a potential "sexual partner" so I can consider him as some sort of gay friend. I giggle at the thought and blonde number two looks at me frowning. I want to roll my eyes but it'd be disrespectful, I'll do that later in my cubicle.

She walks toward me and offers a manicured hand. "Andrea Cohen, I'm Mr. Grey's PA. Please come with me"

I shake her hand. "Anastasia Steele". She leads me to a huge door, Christian's office for sure, _a super-door_ , and opens it to let me in. "Mr. Grey is waiting for you."

I step inside and he is far from the door, on the other extreme of the room, bathed in day light behind a beautiful _super-desk_ reading some document, I save for later another eye rolling. The image is sobering though, all white, ceiling, floors, walls, no color except for him dressed in gray, his copper colored hair and the dark-wood desk. I instantly dislike it, this is not the Christian I know. He raises his head and smiles at me, stands up and invites me to take a seat.

"Anastasia, how are you today?" Oh no, how should I call him? I didn't think about that. Let's stick to formality; I'm his employee right now.

"I'm fine, thank you Mr. Grey." I feel my blood going up to my face. Why am I so embarrassed? Is it the monumentality of everything? I realize it's the first time I see him wearing a suit, so elegant, _so attractive_ , so CEO. _So my boss's boss's boss_. I don't fit in here, I feel uncomfortable right now, I want to go back to my colorful mini-desk.

He frowns and then smiles, no clue about what he's thinking, but for sure switching moods like Kate changes dresses. He leans back on his chair, pensive.

"Well Miss Steele, I remember you mentioning something about keeping distance while you are here in my super-building." He smirks, he knows I'm nervous. _The bastard_. I nod, I don't know how to respond to that.

He's serious again. "You already know about the position I want to offer you, I don't want to repeat myself. Have you given it a thought?"

"Eh…mm… no." I lie, I have given it a thought, but I haven't reached any conclusion yet. I look down, overwhelmed by his power in this office, in this building, in this Company, in this city, in this…

"Miss Steele, please look at me, I can't understand what you are murmuring there."

I look up and he smiles sweetly, winks and whispers as in telling a secret. "Come on Anastasia, it's still me, we shared ice cream yesterday, remember?" And I immediately relax. That's true, I didn't like my dessert and we shared his ice cream. I smile and his smile gets bigger, he seems his age like yesterday while sharing that ice cream, but the setting is wrong. I frown.

"I'm sorry, everything up here is so… monumental… I feel small."

"That's my ultimate goal Miss Steele, but not with you." Mm, is that strategy or just him?

"Mr. Grey, I have given a thought to your offer. I'm not sure, I don't feel prepared and I don't want to take advantage of… this?" I look at him apologetically. He takes a sheet of paper from his desk.

"You wouldn't be by your own, and I think it will be convenient for my Company and also for you. You are a very intelligent woman and I have checked the tasks assigned to you by my HR department, you are overqualified for that. If we accept interns is to prepare them, to challenge them. That's not happening in your case Miss Steele, we need to change that immediately." Well, that makes sense.

"I'd like that, sir." He suddenly looks up surprised but shakes his head.

There's a knock at the door, and Miss Cohen enters. "Mr. Grey, forgive me for interrupting, but your next meeting is in five minutes." _What? I just came in here_.

"I don't know if I'll be finished by then, Andrea. Tell them to wait if that's the case."

She looks confused. He turns his head slowly to face her and raises his eyebrows. She flushes bright pink. _So it's not just me_. Intimidating boss.

"Very well, Mr. Grey," she mutters, then exits. He frowns and turns his attention to me.

"I'd like you to have lunch with me, Miss Steele, we can order something to eat here. I'd like to discuss your future responsibilities and as you can see my time is short." I'm utterly surprised. Lunch? What for?

"But can't your Human Resources Department send me a memo?"

"They don't know about this change, not yet."

"Oh. I don't know about taking time from you for that. You for sure have more important things to deal with."

"Exactly, that's why we will have this conversation later. You can go and move your belongings up here. I'm assigning you an office on this floor." What? This's definitely too much and there is no need. Do I want to become another blonde?

"Do I have to dye my hair?"

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, you know, to fit in here, to be one of your… many blondes." Oh, he smiles, but surely he should be ashamed.

"No Anastasia, you don't have to dye your hair, your hair is perfect just like it is now." I'm trying to elucidate when I'm Anastasia and when Miss Steele, still nothing. Is it Anastasia when I challenge him?

"I'm not sure about moving up to this floor, after all the Public Relations Department is on the 16th."

"Okay, we'll discuss that too, over lunch." I got the hint, he's dismissing me, he's mad because I'm fighting everything he says. But everything he says is too much. I already have a headache.

"Do you realize that my lunch time is Anastasia's time?" His face light up. I hope he understands my confusion about this entire Anastasia/Miss Steele situation.

"Anastasia's time, I like it. So, is it now Miss Steele's time?" I nod and he smirks at me.

"Very well Miss Steele. Please think about my proposition thoroughly, this is serious. Don't forget to close the door when you leave and tell Anastasia I'll be waiting for her at 12:30." I can't help it and giggle, he looks at me serious. "I'm sorry Mr. Grey. Have a nice day." Then I turn around and freeze. What is that? So much color, so exquisite, so beautiful!

They are paintings, a mosaic of small paintings arranged in a square. A series of mundane, forgotten objects painted in such precise detail that they look like photographs. Together they are breathtaking, surrounded by all this white they look like a hole in the wall.

Suddenly he is by my side. "Like it?"

"Love it." I look at him, finally something from his soul that is lively.

"A local artist, Trouton. I couldn't resist."

"I can see why, he's raising the ordinary to extraordinary in such a way…"

He's smiling his young smile. "I couldn't agree more."

It's odd, I sense he doesn't smile enough, but when I recollect our time together I remember him smiling. So he smiles a lot when he is with me.

I study him. I feel like if I was in front of a ladder and Christian was on top of it, alone, sad. I'm extending my hand to him so he can come down with me, down here there is color, people, life. But I'm not a savior, I need salvation myself. Who am I to offer any hand at all? Although I understand why his therapist wants him to try something different, I still think I'm not the best person for that.

"Anastasia?... Anastasia?" _Oh my God, was I staring at him_? I feel the heat in my face.

"I'm sorry Christian, I got distracted." He's grinning. _Oh no, and now I said his name_. I need to go, the borders between the boss and the friend are getting blurry.

"Planet Ana?"

I smile sweetly, he remembers. "Yes, kind of…"

"See you later. 12:30, be punctual."

"Yes, sir." And serious again, his gaze narrowed as if I've committed a mistake. This constant changing is unsettling.

"I need you to do something for me."

"What is that?"

"Don't call me sir, never. Mr. Grey is fine during office time." Oh Crap, he looks crossed. Why is that an issue?

"Oh, okay. Can I ask why?"

"No. See you later Miss Steele."

…

It's almost 12:30 and I´m still wondering what my position will be about the whole proposition. I want the promotion, I don't want to work on the 20th; so cold, so clean.

I'm in the elevator but it's full of people going down to grab some lunch at the cafeteria. Also Carole is in here and I still can't face this boss's boss's boss-friend relationship in front of my coworkers and my current boss. They will totally misunderstand this. Eventually it will happen, just not now please. We still need to define it inside the walls of this building. So I don't push the button to the 20th floor. Everybody gets out and I remain in silence inside the elevator.

"Aren't you coming, Ana?"

"I forgot something, Carole." She looks at me suspiciously and leaves. I push the shaming button.

This time, I go direct to Miss Cohen, it's good to know which one is the right blonde. She rises from her chair and smiles sweetly, doesn't look like a bad person to me. "You know which door Miss Steele. He's waiting for you." It sounded friendly, maybe too much.

I knock on the door, wait a few seconds and open it. He's again sat behind his desk, reading, he looks so tired. When he sees me he smiles. It's good to know I have that effect on him. Maybe I can offer a hand after all.

"Anastasia?"

"Yes, Christian?"

"Glad you are here. Give me just one minute." He's back to the document and I go to the paintings and examine them. This is my favorite spot in this awful modern office that do not reflect my friend's soul. I prefer to think that he's somewhere inside the paintings. They are arranged in front of his desk for some reason, maybe they are an escape from the rest of the surroundings.

"Along with them, you bring spirit to this office." He moves like a ghost, when did he come here? And that statement… then he knows that everything else in this office is empty, transmit nothing. I was right, it's more like strategy and these paintings are the necessary escape, just there for his sight. "What would you like to eat?"

"Cesar salad please, and iced tea."

"That's it?" He looks at me with disapproval.

"Yes."

He tells Andrea what we want and we sit in his white leather chairs. What about Andrea's lunch time? No thanks, or please. Where went his manners?

"So, what do you think about my proposal?"

"We don't need to discuss my responsibilities. As long as I get to work under the direction of some experienced person I'm fine." I study his face, he's serious, waiting. I need to look confident. "But I won't come up here, I don't fit on this floor. Everything is so… over the top, this kind of lux makes me feel uncomfortable."

"Yes, I know. I just wanted you closer." He sighs.

"I can come up to have lunch with you whenever you feel like doing that." I offer, so he can understand that it's not being with him what I'm refusing.

His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Anastasia's time?"

"Yes." I smile sweetly. "I don't want to be here in my Miss Steele's time. You are an intimidating boss Christian."

"Really? Did I intimidate you earlier?"

"Yes."

"I noticed." _I knew it_. "And I didn't like it, I don't want to intimidate you, Anastasia. I like being with you because you are honest and forthcoming in your sweet way, you just shut down earlier."

This I know, I'm like those Trouton's paintings for him, but in his controlled social life. Still, unlike those paintings, I can't be here for him all the time. Lunch is okay, though.

We eat in silence, like yesterday at the Marina. It's soothing, the calm, the peace; he transmits that just by being here next to me. I hope I do the same for him. I get it, you are not alone, but you are immersed in your own thoughts at the same time. When I do that alone, that solitude permeates and disrupts the analysis with a sad side.

"Anastasia, before you leave there is something we need to discuss. I'd like to give you one of the cars of the Company and a credit card so you can buy clothes for your new job." _What the hell?_

"Excuse me?" Now he's gotten insane, completely insane. What is his problem with my clothes?

"It's something we do with our best employees. You've written the best drafts of my speeches, which by the way you will continue doing, and you've been promoted. To me you are one of the bests, so you will receive the same treatment." He is telling me this so serious, he knows I will resist this.

"No way."

"Anastasia!" He is glaring angrily.

"What?" I snap.

He narrows his eyes. "Just accept it." Now he's trying to intimidate me, _bastard_.

"What are you doing? Don't look at me like that. This's Anastasia's time." All of a sudden he smiles slightly and I relax. But no, I won't accept that.

"I don't need a car. Well, I do, but I'll buy one, soon. And about the clothes, you can send me the required parameters of my new position and I'll comply." I give him my stubborn look, if he wants to be my friend he better starts knowing my _no way_ look.

"Anastasia, don't fight with me, this's the protocol. Stop saying No to everything I say." He looks annoyed, but so am I.

"I accepted the position." I cross my arms and square my shoulders.

"Yes, but first you said no."

"All you want is too much Christian. I know this is happening because now we are close."

"No, it's not." So serious, he's not used to get a no for answer. "You are accepting this, it's the protocol, end of the discussion."

I stand up and start looking under the chairs, under the cushions, behind his desk, around us on the floor.

"What is it Anastasia, what are you looking for? Did you lose an earring or something?"

"My pride, my dignity."

"What?"

"I can't find them, they left the room." He starts laughing but I'm mad as hell.

"Oh, Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?"

"To start, don't buy me a car."

"Come on Anastasia, I'm not buying you a car, the Company is giving you one because of your new position. It's the pro-to-col. Why is this so hard to understand?"

I bite my lip to stop the ' _bull-shit-Grey'_ that I want to shout at him.

"Don't bite your lip, Anastasia."

"Why, is that in the Protocol too?"

He chuckles. "No, it's not. It's just sexy as hell and we don't have that kind of relationship." _Crap._ I feel my face burning. I narrow my eyes. _Not a Gay friend after all, hum?_ He managed to make me lose my train of thought. _  
_

"Honesty Anastasia. I'm not experienced regarding friendship but between you and me honesty has to be rule number one. If you ask, I'll answer with the truth no matter how uncomfortable it is. I expect the same from you."

"I'm not aware that I'm biting it when I do it."

"Don't be shy; I'll let you know when you do it. Now, the protocol, we can meet half way. You accept the car now, and we will discuss the credit card in a month." _Half way my ass!_ Is he underestimating me?

I look at him straight in the eyes. "No."

He frowns. _Yes, get used to it_. "I accept the car on loan, you accept that I will buy my own clothes with my paycheck. And because I'm one of the best employees you have, your words… HR won't send me any parameters about how should I dress at work. I'll be free to dress as I wish because I do a good job regardless of what I wear."

He raises his eyebrows as in surprise. "Oh Anastasia, I should hire you for helping me with the negotiations, you are a natural."

There's a knock at the door, and it's Miss Cohen, Andrea. "Mr. Grey, forgive me for interrupting again, but your next meeting is in two minutes." _What? Is lunch time over?_ Oh no, I need to go back to my desk, Carole must be fuming.

"I'll be there in two minutes then." She closes the door and he looks at me. "You'll start tomorrow. Thank you for having lunch with me Anastasia."

"Thank you Christian. It was enlightening." He is smiling again and I feel better. Despite the impasse, I want this to work, for him but also for me.

…

It's time to go home and I've finished all the documents Carole sent me this morning. I should go home but I'm kind of saying good bye to this cubicle. She already told me that tomorrow I'll start working directly with Samuel Benford, on this floor but in the south wing. She wished me good luck and gave me a hug before leaving.

I can't believe I've known this man for just one week and my life has changed so much, he's so intense. It's not just him, is being an intense week also because of José. _Because of you_. True. Okay, I won't overthink this, I've done a good job and I'm getting a promotion, _and a car_. I'll be fine and Christian will help, he told me that. Tonight I'll talk with Kate about the psychiatrist, she knows one, a woman. This is moving on, right? _Right_.


	8. Susanne

Chap. 8 Susanne.

APOV

"Kate, are you here?"

Kate emerges from her bedroom as usual, wearing some awful PJs and looking as gorgeous as ever. She is so lucky, that body, that face, that hair. Dear God, do I have a crush on Kate? She is the main character of my novel and some stories after all. _Naa, I just appreciate beauty and personality when I see it_.

"Ana, how was your Sunday with your dreamy boyfriend?"

"Cut the crap once and for all Kate. And it went fine, he's as fucked up as I'm, so I didn't feel like a freak when we were hanging out. I'm not sure he knows I know, though."

"About what?"

"About him being... that damaged." Kate widens her eyes so I rapidly elaborate. "Don't worry, he is like me, harmless, a good guy deep inside. Anyway, I need to talk to you about something really important, for me I mean." She knows me very well, I don't like talking about myself, and to call it 'important' captures her curiosity and attention. Here it goes.

"I need the phone number of that doctor you mentioned last year."

She narrows her eyes. "What doctor Ana?"

"The psychiatrist. I need help Kate, you were right."

"What happened?"

I don't know if I should tell this to Kate, that José called me 'frigid' and that the word is eating me alive, she'd have him for breakfast. "The usual Kate, I have problems with men that I need to solve if I want my own fairy tale in the future."

"You know that's bullshit, right Ana? The fairy tale is just that, a tale, and prince charming is charming, but also a fucking asshole." I had to laugh, Kate is so disappointed about love and marriages because of her parents. According to Kate, the mother is a 'puppet' that does everything the father demands, no personality at all. Everything escalated when she saw the father four years ago with a blonde, kissing and grabbing her ass at some hotel's foyer.

"I know Kate, but I need the number to make an appointment."

She looks at her nails, avoiding eye contact. "I saw her this morning, I have her card right here."

"Why did you visit her Kate? Because of what happened last Friday?" I feel a pang of sadness for her, my friend was affected by the whole episode. _Fucking asshole indeed_.

"I couldn't even kiss Elliot, I was terrified when he touched my neck even though he was tender all the time." It's obvious to me that she got some trauma from that violent experience. But at what extent?

"Kate, did you want him to kiss you?"

"Of course Ana, the guy is a freaking Adonis, as dreamy as your boyfriend. Wow, what with those Grey men!" Now I'm pissed off.

"Kate, this's the last time I'm going to nicely ask you to stop that nonsense, or I'll get really mad at you."

"Calm down Ana, I was joking. Jeez, you really like the guy."

"KATE."

"Okay, okay, here you are her card. She is very good."

I smirk and purr. "She hasn't fixed you."

"Believe me, Ana, I could be doing a lot worse if it wasn't for my sessions with her. I could be eviscerating guys like some 'Jacky the riper'. So far I just fuck them." Oh my God, she's always giving me such wicked ideas for my stories…

"Thank you, I'll call tomorrow."

"Are you making our dinner?" She shouts after me when she sees me going to my bedroom, obviously no intention to cook at all. "Order some Chinese Kate, I'm not in the mood for cooking." With that I close the door, I need a good shower.

…

Mm, and here I am. My first day as what? Assistant of Public Statements Office at the Public Relations Department of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. _Wow, Montesano's girl has done just right_. I already got the job description and it seems okay to me, I can do this. Now I have an office, a bigger desk, and a super-computer. I smile at the thought, he is sharing some supers.

All of a sudden there is a flurry of activity outside. My phone rings and it's Glen, Mr. Benford's secretary.

\- Miss Steele, meeting room please, there is an important meeting and your presence has been requested by Mr. Benford.

\+ Call me Ana, and I'll be right there.

\- Okay Ana, hurry, please.

In the meeting room, I try to sit quietly murmuring some greeting. We are eight persons in total, I recognize some of them, all with important positions except for me. I'm not sure I should be here. And just one woman, Mrs. McGrath. She is looking at me making no effort to hide her disdain, I shiftt a little in my chair.

Mr. Benford enters in the room and I notice he is sweating, he's nervous. Glen enters after him and starts handing us some documents and magazines. I receive them and try to read but Mr. Benford interrupts us. I saw Christian's picture on the cover, must be about a gossip because that's a fashion magazine.

"We are dealing here with a very delicate situation. I want all of you to read this thoroughly as fast as you can and start shooting ideas, we need to fix this mess somehow, we need to reduce the damage." _Oh my, what is going on?_

And then I read the cover of the magazine. _HOLY. SHIT._

 **Seattle's favorite Bachelor involved in a major scandal. BDSM on the menu. (BDSM: Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism)**

I quickly open the magazine and start reading the shaming article with the coldest and most emotionally detached part of my brain.

Okay, some 'sexual partner', as he calls them, sold the story to the magazine, Miss Susanne Williams. They have been together for three months sharing weekends between whips and chains, handcuffs and some other stuff I know nothing about, but I get the idea pretty well. There is a contract, _interesting_ , and they define their limits for the use of the… instruments through it. _Oh, the given set of rules and conditions he mentioned_. There is also a room at his penthouse where they performed sexual 'scenes', with everything that is needed. I bet so, the mogul must have the best of the best for the lifestyle. How much money has the magazine offered this girl in exchange for the story? She must have some proof if they dared to publish this. Right, the contract with his signature.

I read the article twice, it's really detailed, enlightening about the lifestyle, but sanctimonious and offensive. There are even some pictures of people wearing black leather in positions that, in my humble opinion, are freaking hot. So, BDSM is his 'clinical and detached' 'dirty and kinky' way to have some sex life, I get that, the way he uncorks the bottled anxiety. I remember our conversation at the hospital, mhm. _Do I need THAT to get some sex life, to channel my anxiety like him?_ For sure this is so good for writing my next novel…

Let's focus on the task, I need to help my friend. Somehow I feel all the weight of the world on my shoulders, I really feel the urge of getting Christian out of this mess. My friend, I understand the meaning of that with such a responsibility. I've never talked with his therapist but I feel like if I did. Christian needs a friend, someone to talk to, to trust in, that's what we have done so far but in a very superficial way. He knows nothing about me, I know nothing about him but we dared to call this a friendship. _Bullshit is what this is_.

Mr. Benford is looking at us with expectation. They seem shocked. _Oh, come on people, there are worst things out there_. I can't be the first one talking, I'll wait. But 20 minutes have passed and still nothing. I raise my hand.

"Oh, Miss Steele. Please."

"Yes… eh… Mr. Benford, I've read the article twice and I don't really see a huge problem here for Mr. Grey. I mean, obviously this is shocking because it's the nontraditional private life of a 'celebrity' like him, but apart from that the article is easy to answer back."

"What do you mean Miss Steele?"

"Well, the BDSM relationship is consensual, within the frames of very well defined limits. It's also a legal lifestyle, not that I'm an expert but I don't see Miss Williams here pointing to anything abusive or violent toward her."

"Ok, Miss Steele, please continue." He looks honestly interested in what I'm saying, but the others are eyeing me suspiciously, especially the woman.

"I think the writer is being malicious against something that involves a collective of people, she has offended Mr. Grey with her comments, but she is also offending the BDSM community. I'm not sure if we can call them that, but there must be a term to define this particular group of people that enjoys… eehh… I mean practices this."

Suddenly the door behind me bursts open and I know who is there. _Oh my God, what now?_

"Sam, what are we going to do?" Everybody is looking to the person standing by the door, their mouths open in surprise. I can't turn around, I don't want him to see me here discussing his 'sex life' for God's sake. His voice sounds very anxious, though, I can tell he's on edge.

"Mr. Grey. We are working on that right now. We were sharing some ideas."

"What ideas?" _Oh no, no, no, please just leave the room_.

"Well Mr. Grey, Miss Steele noticed that…" _Fuck_.

"Miss Steele? What Miss Steele?" Okay, showtime without neon lights…

I clean my throat and turn around to look at him, but my voice comes out raspy "Good morning Mr. Grey." I turn back to stare at the wall in front of me, but it was enough to see his eyes widening. _Holy shit_.

"What the fuck Sam, she's way too young to be here talking about this."

"Well Mr. Grey, I invited her to this meeting to have a young and fresh point of view, we are all over the forties and this's a fashion magazine that targets young women like her. And honestly Mr. Grey, Miss Steele is the only one with ideas about what to do with the article."

"The only one?" I can tell he is surprised. _Yes, Christian, I have a brain and a degree you know?_

"Yes, Mr. Grey. I think her opinion is sharp and bright."

"Sharp and bright? I'm sure it's. Okay, Miss Steele, start again, I want to hear those ideas." He sits at the head of the table and I can feel my face red as a tomato. My sharp and bright brain stopped working.

"Eh… well… yes." I clean my throat again. "Can I have some water please, Mr. Benford?"

"Of course Miss Steele."

I'm looking down waiting for my water. When I pluck up the courage to look at him, he's watching me, one hand relaxed in his lap and the other cupping his chin and trailing his long index finger across his lips. It's unnerving and everybody else is looking at me too. That awful woman is smiling sardonically, like if watching my funeral. _Bitch_.

Finally, my water arrives and I've gathered enough courage to speak.

"Mr. Grey…mmm… I think that even though the article discloses some untraditional lifestyle you… eh… practice, there is nothing wrong about it. I mean the lifestyle, it's consensual and I'd say legal. Miss Williams even has a high opinion about your performance and she didn't hesitate sharing that with all of us." He is serious but I notice a spark in his eyes that encourages me to continue.

"I know this's embarrassing because you are some sort of celebrity, all of a sudden everybody is interested in your intimate and private life, but I repeat that I don't see anything wrong about your behavior here. I think you should write some response pointing out that everything is consensual and, in Miss Williams words, you gave her, wait, let me look for it… oh yes, 'the most pleasurable and satisfying BDSM experience of her entire life'. Actually, you should send her a thanks card, I guess that most of the women in this city, no, the States, will dream about you tonight." I realize what I just say and try to fix it feeling the blushing on my face. "Well of course not your wives, or you Mrs. McGrath, and surely not me…" I can see him hiding his smile. Well, I screwed it up but at least I lightened his mood.

Ok, there is not point on holding back right now, this is his mess after all. "The writer of the article is judgmental and malicious when expressing her opinions. As I pointed out earlier, she is offending not just you but every single person that practices this lifestyle. You should raise your voice defending this option, which is consensual and pleasurable. Miss Williams is an adult, you are an adult, and you had a 'given set of rules and conditions' to warranty the respect for the limits you previously defined." He narrows his eyes. _Yes, you know what I'm talking about_.

"Also, they are exposing your private life without your consent, but I don't know the legal implications of that."

Mrs. McGrath squares her shoulders and talks looking at me. "Well Miss Steele, you are omitting the violence behind this kind of practices. That for sure should be an issue." I look at Christian and see the wrinkle on his forehead, _fucking bitch_.

"Violence? You should stress that on your response Mr. Grey, you practice healthy an ethical sex in ways that combine pleasure and pain, it isn't deviant or abusive. And also, that you practice this lifestyle with someone emotionally mature enough to give consent. In fact, the article is very detailed about that, I mean, look at those pictures, they are really enjoying the experience and they look hot in that outfit." _Oh dear, what am I saying?_

"How can you be so sure. Do you practice this?" _What the hell?_ Awful woman.

"No. But unfortunately, I know first-hand what sex combined with violence is. I can tell you this is not such a thing." I say pointing to the magazine and I feel sad, very sad all of a sudden.

Christian's face changes. He straightens his back and looks taller and more intimidating. _Oh my, the Dominant Miss Williams talked about, wow_.

"I want to be alone with Mr. Benford…" I stand up to quickly disappear. "…and Miss Steele." _Oh no, I'm so fired for minimizing the consequences of this_. I sit again.

When the door is closed Mr. Benford and I are nervously looking to each other, he's fidgeting with his pen.

"Sam, I want her to write that response, do not give her any other assignment until this is finished. Today Miss Steele. Give her all the support she needs. Is there anything you need right now Miss Steele? I mean for start writing the draft." I can't articulate, I'm frozen in front of this man that is putting his trust on me. Well, at least I'm not fired, not yet.

"Actually, Mr. Grey I'd like someone to look for an anthropologist, a psychologist and a physician that have worked with this community. Some expert on the topic that has interviewed people like… eh… like you. We should use professionals' opinions with criteria to add credence. I do not have such criteria, to be honest."

I start thinking again and I feel my brain going 1000 per hour. "I'm not aware of the implications of this in the business world, but maybe it's wise to emphasize that if someone doesn't want to work with you is because of some stupid prejudice that stands against the freedom we should embrace in our private lives, as long as it's consensual and between adults. Maybe someone else should write that part."

I look at him and he's smiling.

"Very well Miss Steele, I'm sure Sam is going to his office right now to start working on that. Right Sam?"

"Of course Mr. Grey." Mr. Benford gives me a reassuring smile and leaves the room. We are alone in the meeting room. I need to speak with him.

"Christian, I'm sorry you are going through this. I want to be here for you if you need a friend." He looks at me utterly surprised, obviously he didn't expect those words from me, and I suspect he doesn't have the slightest idea of what they mean. He doesn't do friends, his words. But I still think we are close enough even though we know nothing about each other, just some flashes.

His face softens. "Anastasia, I feel better after listening to you. I don't know how this will impact over the Company, but certainly your words had lifted my spirit. You are so good for me, you have no idea."

I melted in my chair. _Oh my god, I'm good for him. For this kinky Asgardian God_.

"Don't worry Christian, I'll do my best and this will be like the legend of the phoenix, you will emerge from the ashes stronger." He smiles but the smile doesn't reach his eyes. I feel that urge again, like if making light of serious situations were my responsibility. Also, it's important to normalize this.

"So, that's why I can't call you sir? You have some flashbacks when I say that and you want to uncork your anxieties?" I raise my eyebrows smiling and he narrows his eyes sardonically.

"Yes Anastasia, that's why. And now that you know, don't you think you should be careful with your tone toward me?"

"Come on Christian, I would never sign your contract. Stop dreaming." He chuckles and stands up.

"What about I invite you for dinner tonight after we finish dealing with this mess?"

I smile sweetly, it'll be a good opportunity to reassure him and learn a little more about the lifestyle. I'm really curious. "Of course Christian. But I don't want to go to any restaurant, I'd like you to come to my place, I can cook something for us or we could order something to eat." He gives me a head cocked to one side smile.

"Mm, what about your roommate?"

"What about her?"

"I won't feel comfortable with her there. Let's go to my place." _Why not? I could see that room, oh my god I'm excited_.

"Okay Christian. Let's see first how much time takes to finish the response. I should go to my desk to start working on this right now." His smile is kind of sad and mi heart shrinks.

"Anastasia, I'm sorry this is your first assignment in this position. I really wanted to offer you a special experience."

"Christian, after today I have enough in my head to write my future best seller, more special than this impossible."

He chuckles softly and stands up opening the door for me. "See you later Miss Steele."

"Mr. Grey."


	9. Friends?

Chap. 9 Friends?

APOV

At six o'clock I text Christian.

 **\- I'm leaving. I'll go to my place first. What time should I be there?**

 **\+ Taylor will drive you.**

Almost at the same time I finish reading the message, Taylor is knocking at my door. No chance to decline.

The journey is slow, caught up in rush hour traffic. Taylor keeps his eyes on the road ahead, ignoring me, he's so taciturn. After ten minutes I can bear the silence no longer.

"How's Christian, Taylor?"

"Mr. Grey is preoccupied, Miss Steele."

Preoccupied? That's not good but he has every reason to be, this can go either way despite the response the Legal Department is polishing right now. It turned out that this Susanne had signed a nondisclosure agreement, so she wasn't supposed to disclose that information to the media. Yet she did, facing now a lawsuit. _Poor greedy girl_.

…

Forty-five minutes later I've taken a shower, changed my clothes, and Taylor is dropping me outside the impressive entrance of Escala. As I ride up to his penthouse, I realize I'm nervous. _Why am I so nervous?_ And I know it's because I have no idea what kind of mood Christian's going to be in when I arrive. _Is he bipolar?_ Mm, no, I don't think so, but he has quite the mercurial personality.

I study my face in the elevator's mirror, I'm not wearing makeup, just some gloss. I like myself this way, natural, wearing jeans, a pale green shirt, and a black jacket. He wanted me to buy new clothes, why? My clothes are always clean, not worn, or grotesque, or inappropriate.

The elevator doors open and I head to the dining room since nobody was in the foyer to receive me. There is a woman in the kitchen wearing a fancy uniform, I guess she's the housekeeper. _Another blonde, of course_.

"Good evening."

"Good evening Miss Steele." I feel confused, she knows who I'm.

"I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage." My voice is quiet, but I know my face always gives me away.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Mrs. Jones, Mr. Grey's housekeeper. Mr. Grey is in his study, he was waiting for you but there was a phone call he had to take. Would you like something to drink?"

"No, I'm fine, thank you. I'll wait here if you don't mind."

"Please, Miss Steele." I sit on one of the bar stools feeling curious, she must know so much about Christian, most of his secrets. She's prepared sushi and wow, she's so skilled at that. The sushi is perfect for what I have in mind.

"Mrs. Jones, where can I find some blankets?"

"Oh, back there in the laundry room, I keep some on the upper shelf."

"What about cushions, like big cushions?" She eyes me suspiciously but after an instant smiles sweetly.

"I'll bring you some. Four?"

"Yes, four is more than okay, thank you."

I want to make Christian feel comfortable, help him to release the stress. I can hardly imagine how expose he feels right now, his privacy violated and turned into some public show, everybody looking at him judgmentally. I know this will work, always worked with Kate and my other friends from College. Although every person is different and this situation is definitively unique.

Mrs. Jones walks toward me carrying four beautiful blue cushions, maybe too beautiful for what I'm about to do. I extend the gray blankets over the thick gray rug next to the picture window, place the cushions over them, and move one small couch with Mrs. Jones help. I like it, it's like a nest with Seattle at our feet.

When I turn around Christian is leaning against the opposite wall, his hands in his pockets, watching me with curiosity. And yes, he looks preoccupied but I can tell his mind has now new things to think about, like: _what the hell is she doing with my living room?_ I smile shyly at him and stand there waiting, basically because I don't know what else to do.

He finally walks toward me, slowly, with a smirk on his face.

"Well, Anastasia, what are your intentions this evening?"

"Hi, Christian. You invited me for dinner but I don't feel like using a chair or a table, I've been doing that the whole day. I took the liberty to make some changes but if you don't like them, I can undo everything."

"No please. My interest has been piqued." He's looking around, studying the changes I made.

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"Of course, Anastasia."

I get closer and whisper. "Can we be alone? Your housekeeper… I don't know her. You wanted to have dinner here because of Kate, well… it's the same for me with your housekeeper."

He narrows his eyes. "What do you have in mind?" _Oh no, no, of course he's misunderstanding_.

"Christian, we already talked about that, no second thoughts. I just want to be relaxed, I just want you to be relaxed. You need it after today and surely for facing tomorrow. It's something I do with my friends, and since you happen to be one…"

He's smirking again. "Anastasia, it's so easy to make you blush."

"Are you laughing at me?"

"I wouldn't dare."

"Oh you would, and you're doing it right now." _Bastard_.

He chuckles and goes to the kitchen, I guess to give the housekeeper the evening off. I stare out of the window enjoying the view. _A lucky bastard_.

Two minutes later I make my way to the kitchen and the housekeeper is nowhere to be seen. Christian is sat in one of the bar stools checking his phone, his face creased with worry. I'm trying to walk like a ghost and don't make any sound, but it's kind of impossible in a kitchen, everything is so noisy. I start preparing what we need to have our indoor picnic and suddenly he looks at me pale, so pale that I worry.

"What is it, Christian? Are you all right?"

"My parents are on their way up."

"Up? What do you mean up? Like in up here?" He nods and runs his hand through his hair.

"Oh my God, Christian. You haven't talked to them!" He shakes his head, still so pale, he's stopped breathing. This's big, I can tell.

"Okay, breathe, Christian, breathe." He exhales. "Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose. Let the air completely fill your lungs." He does as I say.

"Now let out your breath slowly through your nose. Exhale all of the breath in your lungs. Again, Christian... And again." The color comes back to his beautiful face and I relax a little. Kate taught me this technique for decompressing and lowering the stress level.

"They are your parents, they love you. Keep that in mind, Christian, they will understand. You haven't done anything wrong, it's just embarrassing as hell." He is staring at me trying to breathe as I told him, nodding slowly.

We hear the elevator doors open and an old elegant couple is standing in front of us in a nanosecond. Christian has the expression of a scared child, like if he was caught stealing cookies. They look at me with some unnamed expression. _Oh God, they must think I'm one of those women_.

"Mom, Dad."

"Hello, Christian." _Shit, they are mad at him_.

"Hello, I'm Anastasia Steele. Nice to meet you." They stop looking at Christian and look at my outstretched hand with disbelieve. I feel the urge to clarify the situation, Christian is still in shock but at least he's keeping the breathing rhythm. "I'm Christian's friend, I'm not one of the… mm… eh… I'm just his friend, I'm here because I was worry about him." _Oh dear, I'm babbling._

Mrs. Grey is the first one reacting and grabs my hand softly, squeezing it. There is a warm glow in her hazel eyes. "Grace Trevelyan-Grey, I'm Christian's mother. I'm here for the same reason." Her face's softened and she starts caressing Christian's cheek. "How are you darling?"

The father gives me a stern look but shakes my hand. "Carrick Grey." Then he looks at Christian giving him a worrying look. "Can we talk son?"

"Yes, of course, let's go to my study." Christian looks briefly at me and leads the way to where I guess his study is. _Jeez, what should I do now?_ I stick to my plan and take the food to my improvised pent-house-nest, arranging it carefully. There are a couple of small tables that I place next to the cushions. Mrs. Jones has prepared sashimi, nigiri, maki and uramaki. This woman is an artist, I need to ask her to teach me, I have tried making sushi a couple of times but my rice is always overcooked.

When I finish I sit on the couch, enthralled by the dusk, writing in my mind the next chapters for my novel. It's official, I'm in love with this view.

"Anastasia… Anastasia" _Oh, that's Christian's voice_. I turn around and he is next to the foyer door with his parents, his expression unreadable, the three of them gazing at me. I walk toward them quickly. I hope they didn't wait too long for my 'wake up'.

The mother grabs my hand. "It's been a pleasure, Anastasia. I hope we meet again." We shake hands and they leave. I sigh with relief.

Christian comes back from the foyer a minute later and suddenly hugs me, tightly, all of me so I can't move my arms and hug him back. It takes me by surprise so I don't know what to do and we stand there, awkwardly. I feel how his whole body goes slowly from tensioned to relaxed. _Am I the one supposed to have social skills?_ He smells good and I get lost in his masculine scent forgetting everything, I feel lightheaded.

He lets go of me and looks down directly to my eyes with a confused expression. "Don't bite your lip," he murmurs huskily. I blush and release my lip. My expression must be as confused as his, but I'm glad he had someone to hug after such a stressing moment, although I feel a little used, like those Pandas you are allowed to hug at some parks.

I take a step backward and clean my throat, his amused expression is back. "Hmm… how was it?"

"Fine, Anastasia, thank you for helping me to focus."

"So, they understood?"

He crosses his hands and takes some time to think an answer. "I'm not sure they understand, but at least they are accepting it. They feel guilty, though." He sighs sadly and I grab his hand.

"Give them some time, Christian, and try to spend more time with them, I remember what your sister said to you at the park. And I sensed they truly love you."

He gives me a perplexed look like if he's not convinced and runs his fingers through his hair. Why does he doubt that his parents love him?

"Let's eat, Anastasia, I'm starving."

…

…

CPOV

We have emptied one bottle of Sancerre and are finishing the second one. I can tell she is tipsy, and I feel a little dizzy myself. It's been so nice being here watching the city and talking, just talking. I've never 'just talked' with a woman before. _Elena, but it's not the same, it's been never relaxed and open with Elena._ And she is funny, I'm grinning like the fucking Cheshire cat all the time. _What the hell is this girl doing to me? This isn't me._ We are sat on the cushions leaning back on the couch legs, the picture window in front of us, legs stretched out. She was so right, this's amazing. The fear of losing everything I've worked for, gone.

"Christian, when did you start that lifestyle?" Mm, she is getting bold because of the wine, no more smiles for me with this kind of questions. I want her to trust me, and I certainly said I'd be honest so here it goes.

"One of my mother's friends seduced me when I was fifteen. I was her submissive for six years." I wonder what she'd make of that information.

"Oh. How old was she?"

"Thirty-one."

She blinks a couple of times and looks horrified. "You were a minor, that's a crime."

"I don't see it that way. She helped me, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her." _You wouldn't understand_.

"Do you still see her?" She sounds shocked. I'm not sure about talking with her about Elena.

"Yes, she's a good friend."

"So, you do have friends." It sounds like an accusation.

"I guess so. Not in the plural, it's just she. But according to Flynn, she is not." _It's not the same, Anastasia, I've never felt the urge to hug her._ Yeah, that was odd but felt so necessary and soothing. Although it wasn't a physical need.

"Flynn?"

"My therapist."

"Oh, the expensive charlatan."

And I'm smiling again. "I'll tell him you said that, he'll love it. He's fucking sarcastic all the time."

"Why isn't she here now that you need your friends?"

"I don't need anything and she called me, in the morning. She invited me for dinner but I don't want to be with her right now. I don't know."

"Then why did you invite me?" _Yes, why? Good question_.

"I don't know, Anastasia, I wanted to show you my gratitude." She straights her back and sits looking at me, her mouth is shut hard, her teeth locked on her lip.

"In my employee's condition?" Shit, what did I just say, she looks wounded.

"Okay, that went out wrongly. Let's say half/half."

"Is she half/half too?"

"Who?"

"That woman. Is she your half pedophile - half friend?" Oh… her smart mouth. I'm annoyed by her remarks.

"That's very judgmental. It wasn't like that."

"I wonder if it was your sister, would that have been okay?" Ridiculous, Mia is not like me."I bet she's blonde."

What? How does she know?

"Anastasia. How do you know?"

"Obviously you have a sexual fixation, and she is the source."

"What do you mean?" I'm really curious about the way this woman's brain works. She's so unexpected, God.

"Come on Christian, your army of blondes, even the housekeeper for heaven's sake. That's why you decided you could have a different relationship with me, a plain brunette."

Oh, Anastasia, you got that the wrong way around. "Don't talk like that about yourself, nothing plain about you. But you are right about something. I've never seen you as a potential submissive, ergo I'm not sexually attracted to you." _There's something about you, though, I haven't figured it out yet._ I find her voice, her presence very pleasant.

She sighs, leans back on the couch and closes her eyes. "Same here, no for the same reasons, of course, I think you are gorgeous. Mm, but that wound my ego, I'm a woman after all and you see me as some kind of dude."

I have to laugh, oh dear God, a 'dude'.

"Anastasia, stop biting your lip."

"Right, that, it's strange you know. If you are not sexually attracted to me stop bothering with my lip biting habit. I'm not even aware I'm doing it." She is right, why is that an issue if I don't see her that way? Because I want to bite it too, her lips are tempting.

"I should go. I have to work tomorrow." _No, not yet_.

"You are excused for the morning, I already told Sam." I hold on to the hope she stays here more time. I really need her company now.

"What? Why?"

"Because you worked hard Anastasia, I know you didn't take your lunch hour. I'm glad you ate here, it's not good to skip meals." Frustrating woman, questioning everything.

"Oh my God. They will think I'm here with you!"

"Well, Anastasia. You ARE here with me."

"You know what I mean." She's sulking. "And you told me you don't need friends now, so I'm losing my time here." She stands up. Fuck, why did I say that? _Because I am an asshole_.

I stand too and run both my hands through my hair. She looks hurt and that causes an unfamiliar twinge of guilt inside me. I have to fix this. "Anastasia, look, I'm sorry. I didn't think I needed one, but after these last couple of hours I know I was wrong. I'm feeling a lot better now and I don't want you to leave." _Wow, I let a young girl see my needs, pathetic_. _And, did I just apologize?_

She sits again, leans against the couch and closes her eyes with a triumphant smile on her face. "Was that too hard?" She looks at me smiling and I stare at her in disbelieve. "You need me, Christian, you already told me I'm good for you. You need someone that calls you out on your bullshit."

 _What the hell!_ She played me. "Anastasia Steele, you are something." I sit back on my spot.

"Come on, Christian. You hurt my feelings, you know that. Show me your gratitude? Really? You don't want to be in her company because deep inside you know that awful woman is not really your friend. But I'm, Christian, and I wanted to make you feel better, understood, show you that you're not alone, that this's not the end of the world. That's why I'm here. That's why you invited me."

 _She certainly is calling me out on my bullshit_.

"But after giving it a thought I think you should show me some gratitude." Oh dear, what now. And I'm smiling again.

"What do you have in mind, Anastasia?"

"Play something for me. I guess the grand piano is not here as an ornament. Please."

"I've never played for someone upon request, except for my teacher."

"Please." How can I say no to those beautiful blue eyes, I hope she doesn't find out about my weakness for her eyes. I will play for my sweet friend.

"Okay. But after that, you will be in debt with me." I wink at her and she blushes. Dear God, it's so easy.

I start to play, slowly. I close my eyes, and let myself sink into my dark inner world. I have too much weighing on my mind. Suddenly, she sits beside me on the piano bench leaning her head on my shoulder. It's such a tender and intimate gesture that I find myself feeling more at peace. Y play two more overtures and then stop.

"Why did you play such sad music?"

 _Is it sad?_ "I don't know, Anastasia, those are my favorites." Her head still on my shoulder. I don't want her to move, but eventually she does and goes back to her spot in front of the window. She is leaning down on the blankets, her head on the cushion.

"Christian, it makes me sad knowing how sad you are deep inside. But then, I'm sad too." She is staring at the sky. _I know, Anastasia_.

I go to my cushion and do the same. It's so liberating, the stars, the moon... God, how come I've never done this before. I needed one sweet Anastasia in my life to discover this, and in my own place. I want her in my life forever, she's now like family to me. I've always thought that as some corny statement, well, who would have thought…

"Why are you sad, Anastasia?" This I need to know, she knows a lot more about me.

"Because someone took something important from my soul, from my body. The lack of that makes me sad." Shit, she always does the same, I never know if she is talking about herself or about me. We are so alike.

"We are so alike," I repeat without thinking.

"No, we are not." That takes me by surprise. She slowly turns to face me and I do the same.

"Yes, we are."

"No." She leans on her back again and wraps her arms around herself in a protective gesture. She's about to say something personal, she always closes her eyes for that. "Christian, I can't feel desire for a man. I can't look at a man with lust." She sighs, "I'm not a lesbian, in case you wonder." I feel a hole in my chest, the anger simmering in my veins. I need to get to the bottom of this.

"Who did that to you, Anastasia?" I run my hands through my hair, trying to rein in my temper.

"I don't want to talk about that."

"You already did, I need to know. And you know a lot more about me now. I think it's only fair."

She looks at me wide-eyed and anxious, I hope she's drunk enough to tell me. She closes her eyes and flings her arm over her face, hiding from me, embarrassed.

"I had a boyfriend, four years ago. He had… sexual problems, he was impotent, and the first time we were… you know… he couldn't. After that everything happened so fast, he started hitting me, shouting at me, saying that it was my fault. I had moved in with him that day, I felt trapped and helpless. My father would have forbidden me to go back to Vancouver if he knew and I was starting College, so I remained in silence about my situation. Sometimes he was able to do it with me, most of the time he raped me with… something. My God, that thing even had a name. It lasted 4 months but was enough for damaging me. I realized I had the problem three years after leaving him. I tried to have sex, but I felt numb and disconnected every time. With José was the same."

I move her arm so I can see her face. She's silently crying, her eyes closed. "Don't cry, Anastasia", I whisper in a vain attempt to halt her tears and calm her. I plant a tender kiss on her forehead, she smells as good as that day at the park. I take a deep breath. _Ah, the Trevelyan grandparents' house_.

She opens her eyes and look at me with an unreadable expression.

"Creepy." She smiles slightly.

I fail to repress my laughter. Jesus, she's awkward, unexpected, and disarming. She really makes me want to laugh, and what's more, it's at myself.

"I'm sorry, you smell good."

We stay there looking at the sky, and she explains to me the position of the constellations and the name of every star. She has very good memory for two bottles of Sancerre. The stepfather taught her well, and she's very proud of her knowledge on Astronomy. I try to pay attention to everything she says, that the farmers invented constellations to remember the name of the stars, that they were useful for knowing when to plant and harvest the crops because according to their position you can tell what month is... and in the comfort and solace of her voice, I drift into a peaceful sleep.


	10. Friends!

Chap. 10 Friends!

APOV

His chiseled mouth in front of my eyes startles me _. Where am I?_ _Who is this?_ _Ugh, my head_. Oh yes, the penthouse-nest… Christian… wine, a lot of wine.

 _How come do we end up like this?_ We are sharing a cushion, our legs opposite sides and facing each other, eyes to mouths. _At least not awkward touching_ , although his hand is gently placed in the back of my head, tangled in my hair. His warm hand feels good.

He really has a lovely face, and he looks so young and relaxed right now. If it's possible, he is more beautiful like this, without the worries that are always all over his face. I take my time to memorize his features this untroubled.

The light is filling the room, and I feel the urge to go the bathroom. I try to move but he stiffens, caresses my head, and gets closer to my face to take a deep breath. It was just a few seconds but he instantly relaxed and went back to the previous position. _Right, he said I smell good._ Do I smell that good? This man constantly makes these creepy things that somehow, because it's him, I don't mind.

But as good as I smell, and as relaxed as he is, I need to go, like NOW. I take his hand out of my hair as tenderly as I can and place it onto the cushion while I stand up. I go to the bathroom I saw yesterday in the laundry room. I'm sure there is a fancy guest bathroom somewhere, but I'm not in the mood of getting into huge closets and finding his skeletons while searching for it.

I wash my hands and take a look at my face in the mirror. _Jeez, I look like shit_. How come he looks that good? Not fair. I do my best with my hair and wash my face, but the wrinkles on my shirt make me look like if I was stuffed in a small envelope.

Flashes from last night hit me, and I watch myself blushing crimson red as I remember telling him about my troubled past, and my troubled present. _Oh God, no_. Embarrassment and shame wash over me. I know I was just a victim, but I can't help it. Why did I do that? _He asked, and you drank a lot of wine_. I seriously need to stop drinking like that, three times and every time a different drama.

I head to the living room to grab my purse, my jacket and go home. I'm not worried about him anymore, I'm worried about myself. _Shit, why did I have to tell him?_

He's sat in the middle of the 'nest' with a confused look. Then he sees me, beams at me, and I melt because I realize he likes having me here. "Anastasia, where did you go? I thought it was a dream."

"Good morning, Christian."

"Good morning. How do you feel?" He's worrying again.

"I have a headache, but I'll be fine."

He stands up quickly and brings me an aspirin and a glass of water from the kitchen. I sit on his huge black sofa to drink my water and he sits next to me.

"Thank you for yesterday Anastasia, I know what you did."

"Did it work?"

He smiles shyly. "Yes."

"Good. I'll go home to get ready for work."

He looks worried again. "You need to eat. Let's have breakfast first."

In the kitchen, I sit on one barstool watching him as he makes his coffee and two ham & cheese sandwiches. The water is boiling for my tea and he gets orange juice out of the fridge. He places everything in front of me. "Eat." God, he is so bossy.

I eat slowly and in silence, my headache almost gone. I can't look at him after what I revealed, I don't feel comfortable now that he knows. Maybe later the embarrassment will fade.

I finish and he shoots. "What is it, Anastasia?"

"Nothing, I'm tired." _I better go_.

"What's wrong? Tell me, we promised to be honest."

"You said that. I never did." He looks hurt and I can't stand it. I stare at my plate.

"Last night I blurted out far too much. I'm so mad at myself. That's too personal, just Kate knows and it took me two years to tell her… I just want to be alone right now."

He runs his long fingers through his disorderly hair and sighs.

"Anastasia, I think you know that much about me too."

"It's not the same. Your private life is not private anymore, but that's about something you chose to do."

 _Mm, the pedophile_. "And regarding your 'friend'," I make the double quotation marks on the air, "even though she is a criminal, you don't see anything wrong about her." The twitch in his eyebrow doesn't go unnoticed. I stare at my plate again.

"You are right." I look at him in surprise.

"What about I share something that big with you, so we are even?" He's gazing into my eyes.

"I'm not sure Christian. Maybe you will feel like me afterward."

"Maybe, but if that puts your mind at ease with me knowing, then it's worth it." It could work, I nod at him. The truth is I'm curious.

He starts unbuttoning his shirt and I don't know what to think. _Okay, he works out. What else?_ "Do you see these marks on my chest?"

I notice he has a few random and faint small, round scars dotted around his chest _. What are they_?

"Cigarette burns." _How? What happened to him?_

"My birth mother was a crack whore. Her pimp did this to me when I was a toddler." I'm in shock, I don't know what to say or what to do. Why are out there people that gets pleasure torturing, causing so much pain? How can someone do that to a small kid? Surely a sweet, beautiful, vulnerable kid. _The nightmares_.

"Your nightmares!" I whisper in horror.

"Yes. But as you said last night, they didn't just hurt us, but took something from us." I look at him, feeling so sad all of a sudden. His words from last night echoing in my brain: _'we are so alike'_.

"I can't bear to be touched Anastasia, my chest or my back. Not even my family."

"What do you mean?"

"If someone touches my chest or my back, it burns like fire, I could have a panic attack. It's unbearable."

"Oh." I raise my hand without thinking and his eyes widen. He starts buttoning up his shirt, my daring hand back to my lap.

"What do you do when your girlfriend wants to touch you?"

"No girlfriends, just submissives. I always restrain their hands, that's acceptable and expected on a BDSM scene."

"So you are in control and make sure no woman touches you when having sex, which at the same time is a coping mechanism to deal with your anxiety?"

He cocks his head to one side. "Mjm. That's a way to put it."

I don't buy it, there is a lot more in that equation. On the other hand, I don't like the idea of someone in control of me. I know I have played with the idea in my mind but very superficially, I need to know more. Sex is always an incomplete puzzle for me, any piece is welcomed.

"I want to see your room."

"What?"

"The room Susanne mentioned. Is it here in this penthouse?" He's utterly surprised. Suddenly he narrows his eyes.

"Are you curious Anastasia?" I blush.

"Yes."

"That's not for you."

"You don't know that." I'm getting angry. _Am I that obvious?_ He doesn't know me that well.

"Believe me, I know." His sly chuckle offends me.

"I should go and talk with her, maybe she'll think differently and will give me some advice."

"Is that a joke?" His voice is menacingly soft.

"No." I snap exasperated.

"See, always challenging Anastasia, questioning everything. You would never make a submissive." He runs his hand through his hair.

"You make that seems like a handicap. Perhaps I'm the other thing… eh…"

"What?"

"What you are. What are you?" He chuckles again.

"A dominant?"

"Yes, that."

"You aren't that either."

I sigh and stare at my hands. "Bit of a foregone conclusion, wasn't I?" He knows what he is talking about. I don't even have a clue.

He stands up and grabs my hand dragging me out of the kitchen. We go up to the second floor and turn right. Producing a key from his pocket, he unlocks the door in front of us and stands back to let me in. "My playroom." _Playroom? That's how he calls it?_ I look at him, my eyes wide open. He gets the impassive look, the mask. I summon all the courage I can and get in.

The first thing that hits me is the smell, so particular, so unique. The light is soft and I can't figure out what is in front of me so I step forward. _Holy cow._ This is a huge room and every single thing inside it goes beyond my imagination, even the huge bed is not an ordinary one.

I look around and realize that this room is not like the rest of the apartment, is not like his office, it's exactly the opposite. Here I can see Christian so clearly. The walls dark red, the wood furniture rustic and stylish, the lighting artfully arranged, everything setting a very special atmosphere. Full of color, full of sensation. I turn around and Christian is leaning against the door, crossed arms, regarding me intently. _When did he close it?_

I walk toward him and he opens his eyes warily. "Christian, why are you hiding?"

"What do you mean?"

"This, all this," I point around us. "So much intensity."

"I don't understand."

I shake my head, he doesn't have a clue. I walk to the center of the room and observe the ceiling, the karabiners, the gleaming chains, and handcuffs. _Right, the handcuffs_. There are handcuffs everywhere, as he said to restrain the hands is important for his scenes.

And he's right, I don't belong here. There is no way someone will chain me to anything, there is no way someone will use a whip on me, the thought itself makes me uncomfortable. I wouldn't surrender like this to someone just for sex, not even if he looks like a God. I snort inside my head. Well, doubt solved.

But I have an ulterior motive, this's so inspiring for a writer's mind. Such a beautiful scenario for drama and romance, rough romance. Jeez, I'd like to sit here for hours with my laptop.

I lean on one of the four posts of the bed imagining my main feminine character here, wanting to please the man she loves against her own will, longing for his acceptance, neglecting her own dreams. Oh yes, she will turn the situation around and will be in charge of her own sexuality enjoying this, the playroom? No, I don't like that name. The chamber of lust, sex alcove…

"Anastasia… Anastasia."

"Oh, dear God, I'm sorry."

He is smirking at me. "I can't believe you find inspiration here."

"Mm… why not? Another thing you know I can't do?"

"That's not what I meant. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, you were right. This is not for me, but it's so beautiful and romantic in here, in a certain way. And yes, I got inspired."

His brow furrows with incomprehension. "Romantic?"

"Yes Christian, you got caught. I now know your dirtiest secret, hidden in your dirtiest room. You're a romantic."

"I've never been accused of that before." His tone is one of wry amusement.

"Now you have. Don't worry, my lips are sealed."

"You are so wrong, Anastasia. I don't do romance at any level." He sighs in disregard.

"Because you've never given that a chance for some reason, but look around Christian. It's totally expressed here, I can read it everywhere. God! You almost tricked me with the rest of the penthouse and your office. Although I saw a hint of your true self in your office."

"It's just a painting."

"Oh, no Christian, I'm not trying to convince you. I know, I'm sure. I think I always knew but I didn't have proof. Now I have."

He grabs my hand and takes me to the door. "Let's go back to the kitchen. Jesus, you really can be exasperating."

I try to hide my smile and silently say goodbye to the... passion room? forbidden room? I need to work on that.

In the kitchen he sits in front of me, studying my face.

"Would you like some tea, now that you are in a better mood?"

"Yes please." I blush at his intense gaze.

"You are such a mystery, Anastasia. So shy and at the same time so bold, you have such a strong moral code and at the same time you are so open-minded, you are so young and inexperienced and at the same time so mature." He stands and sets the electric kettle.

"You too."

He turns around placing my teacup. "Me too, what?"

"Well, you are so formal… and controlled… and stuffy."

"Stuffy?"

"Slightly stuffy. And yet you let me make a mess of your living room."

"Mm, rummaging around my kitchen, making a mess of my living room. Feel free to do what you want here Anastasia, I'm always happy with the result." He smiles widely. "I really enjoyed your class of astronomy, I might have learned a couple of things."

I beam at him. "Really? I thought you were bored."

"Bored? Not at all. I'm even changing the position of my bed so I can sleep facing the stars." He pours the hot water in my teacup and I prepare my tea while he gets a cup of coffee and sits in front of me again.

"Don't you have an empire to run?"

"I told you we'd have a free morning." Hm, the CEO that works 24/7 is having a free school-day morning. The song comes instantly to my mind and I close my eyes to start singing the first verse for Christian.

" _Lately I've been, I've been losing sleep  
Dreaming about the things that we could be  
But, Christian I've been, I've been praying hard  
Said no more counting dollars, we'll be counting stars  
Yeah, we'll be counting stars."_

I open my eyes and smile shyly at him. He's serious, so serious. _Jeez, do I sing that bad?_ But suddenly a broad smile changes his face, looking so young and carefree, almost like when he was asleep.

He finishes his coffee quickly. "Wait here for me, please Anastasia, I need your help with something." With that, he disappears inside his enormous penthouse.

I start organizing everything from last night and this morning in the dishwasher when Taylor appears in front of me, very nervous.

"Good Morning Taylor."

"Miss Steele good morning. Where is Mr. Grey?"

"I'm not sure, he told me to wait here."

Taylor disappears too and less than one minute later I heard the double doors to the foyer opening, a sleek platinum blonde dressed in black enters. She must be in her forties, tall, tanned, and beautiful. I don't like her conceited and arrogant facial expression, though.

She blinks in confusion when she sees me, approaches the kitchen island and sits on the bar stool at the end, obviously familiarized with the place. She starts studying me and I feel self-conscious all of a sudden, I remember I look like shit.

"Hello dear, I'd like a cup of coffee, black." I hated her immediately, _awful woman_.

"Good morning Ma'am, I'm sorry but I don't know how to use the coffee machine. I'm sure Christian will be here any moment." She opens her mouth in surprise.

"How dare you call him by his given name?" She is fuming. Why is that an issue? I think I know who she is, the predator. Mm, but maybe is just family or he has some business meeting.

"I don't know what…"

"Elena." Suddenly Christian shows up with Taylor interrupting me. He's wearing a bathrobe, his hair soaking wet. Evidently he doesn't want me alone with her, Taylor told him she was on her way up and he got out of the shower that second. Now I'm sure who she is, but I'm not sure how to feel about that, I care enough for Christian to feel abhorrence of her. Was he afraid of my reaction? She was the one being impolite and rude.

"Good morning Christian." She kisses both his cheeks, her hands resting on his upper arms. I suppress my revulsion. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company, it's Wednesday. Your PA told me you didn't show up at the office, and I worried." I don't understand what she is talking about, but I'm absorbing every piece of information. He's supposed to be alone on Wednesdays, and she was genuinely surprised that I used his first name.

"Elena, this is Miss Steele, she works for me. Miss Steele, Elena Lincoln, a business partner." He is very serious, his mask back on. And I feel wounded even though he's right, I work for him.

Wearing a disgusting sphinx smile she protests Christian's introduction. "Oh, come on Christian, I think I'm more than that. Nice to meet you, Miss Steele." She's not even looking at me while saying that. _Awful woman_.

I can't stand this, I'm completely revolted at the sight of her. In silence, I close the dishwasher and walk to the sofa for my purse and my jacket. While passing next to Christian I said in the most deadpan tone I'm capable of, "Your friend wants a coffee, black." Now he knows that I know, that I don't buy his bullshit. "I'm leaving now, I have work to do."

"Anastasia, can you give me 10 minutes?" Oh, I'm Anastasia again. _You can go to hell_.

"I'm sorry Mr. Grey, I really have work to do." I glare at him emphasizing the word _work_.

"Your employee is really impolite." _God, give me patience_.

I turn my back to them, so they can't see me, and in my mind count to 10 with my eyes closed. After that I feel more poised, that bitch is not my problem.

"Yeah, must be that. Goodbye."

I walk quickly to the foyer and hear an irritated Christian.

"Taylor, escort Mrs. Lincoln to my office." I guess he's finishing his shower before facing her.

I call the elevator trying to compose myself. That was hard to witness, the familiarity of that predator inside his space, her rudeness toward me, his cold way to introduce me to her. I feel nauseated, the headache threatening to come back.

Christian hands startle me and I gasp. Grabbing my shoulders he turns me around so I'm facing him now. I didn't hear him coming. _He moves like a ghost_.

"Why are you leaving?"

"You know why."

"Please Anastasia, just give me 10 minutes."

"I think you will need a little more than that." I see his hurt semblance and instantly regret my words, but I'm angry and confused because I'm not sure I have the right to be angry.

"I didn't invite her here… Look, I can't force you. At least let Taylor drive you." I know he didn't invite her, but he needs to set clear limits to that woman.

"Okay. Go and dry your hair first or you will get sick. I'll wait for Taylor here. God, I need a shower too." I don't want to add more to his distress, and I know he will relax if I accept something.

"Take a shower here." _What?_

"Are you insane?" _Yes, he is_.

"You have clean clothes in the room where you slept last Saturday, I forgot to tell you."

"Why do you have clean clothes for me?" My eyes widen in disbelieve.

"Because I can." His eyes flash with amusement. I fight the urge to roll my eyes skywards.

"So what?"

"Come on Anastasia, I really, really need your help with something. Take a shower here while I dismiss Elena, it's almost ten o'clock, we'll lose the morning if you leave now." Oh, he's saying that on purpose to please me. Is he sincere?

"I'd never lie to you, Anastasia." Dear God, his ability to answer my unspoken questions is startling. "No, you don't lie, you omit." I look at him defiant; he can't deny that, he does that all the time. He narrows his eyes, I know he's not used to being challenged.

He runs his long fingers through his wet hair and then offers me one hand. At the same time the elevator doors open, I'm at a crossroad. _You are being ridiculously overdramatic_. I take his hand, is what I want to do. "Okay, but I don't want to see that awful woman again or I won't speak to you in a month."

"Fair enough. I'll take you to your bedroom to make sure there aren't any accidents, I can't risk a month without hearing your exasperating voice." I'm smiling, my exasperating voice is something he esteems. _Wait, did he say my bedroom?_

…

…

CPOV

Okay, one crisis averted. I quickly dry my hair and get dressed before going to my office. _What the hell is Elena doing here?_

She is already sat, watching at her scarlet fingernails. I dismiss Taylor with a nod and sit behind my desk to keep the distance. Her faked smile doesn't trick me, I know there is something bothering her.

"What are you doing here Elena."

"Oh Christian, is that a way to receive your friends? I was worry about you." She purrs.

"Well as you can see I'm fine. Now I need you to go, I have important things to attend."

"Like that girl?"

"That's none of your business." She straightens her back.

"Christian. I'm here to talk about Susanne."

"What about her?"

"I'm deeply sorry for what happened. She called me last Sunday and I told her I'd call back, but I forgot. I didn't know what she was planning to do."

"Is already done, I'm dealing with that."

"I don't want to lose your trust, your confidence on my skills. I assure you something like that won't happen again. I know it was me who sent you Susanne's profile, and I take full responsibility." She is waiting for my answer.

"I'll take into consideration your words before reaching to any conclusion, and I appreciate you coming here to apologize. Now I need you to go, I meant what I said." I really need her to leave before Anastasia is ready. She narrows her eyes studying me.

"Who sent you that girl? She is your type but she doesn't act properly. She's not good for you Christian, you should be more careful." _What the hell?_

"Like you were with Susanne, Elena?" She looks contrite. "I won't repeat myself, I need you to go now, and next time you want to talk with me, call first."

"Fine, I'm leaving." A feeling of relief washes over me. I'm surprised by this feeling every time we say goodbye, sometimes I think my body rejects Elena on a deep molecular level.

I walk her to the elevator, mostly to make sure she is really leaving without running into Anastasia. When the elevator doors open she turns toward me and kisses my cheeks. "Remember I'm always here to help you, Christian."

"I know Elena. Bye."

...

...

...

...

-"Counting stars" (Native.) OneRepublic, USA 2013.


	11. Opposites

Chap. 11 Opposites.

APOV

I get out of the bedroom wearing the new clothes, close to my style fortunately, just another pair of jeans and a soft turquoise blouse, nice. Not the underwear though. _God, so fancy and hot underwear wasn't invented for someone like me_ , but that's between me and… me.

Christian is standing outside. "Let's go Anastasia, what took you so long?"

"Shut up, I was in there just fifteen. Tell me, you really took advantage of your ten minutes, or is your half-half hidden in some closet?"

"Half-half?... Oooh, Anastasia, you are incorrigible. She left some minutes ago."

"Incorrigible? You are in deep shit if you can't see her for what she is, deep shit, and notice that I'm not used to speak like this. I thought you were my guardian Angel, but I'm starting to think I'm yours."

"Do you think I need one?"

"You totally need one. I know I look more like an owl with my too-big eyes, but this's all you got so far."

He's smiling. "Let's go Anastasia. I need your too-big eyes and your too-smart mouth for something I have in mind since you sang that verse."

"Counting dollars? I'm not good at that. Remember I studied Literature, I sucked at math."

"Stars Anastasia, we'll be counting stars. Don't worry, I was good at math."

"Of course, Ying." We are now inside the elevator, going down.

He looks at me with curious eyes. _So expressive eyes!_ "Ying?"

"Do you prefer Yang?"

"Yang?"

"Can't you see it? You like control, I like surprises, you are black and white, I'm full Technicolor, you are numbers and I'm letters, you are sex without love, I'm love without sex." He gives me a censorious look. "Oh, don't look at me like that; I'm trying to normalize what we know about each other." _Yep, I'm trying really hard_.

"So, you think we are opposites."

"Totally, this… friendship… whatever this's, is going to work with a lot of difficulties. But will work because we are complementary opposites; tell that to your expensive charlatan, that I'm taking this seriously. Tell him that I'm with him against the bitch troll."

He smiles with curiosity. "The bitch troll?"

"You know, that awful woman you let be hostile toward me under your roof while being your guest." I stare at him serious so he knows I'm not joking.

"Was she hostile?" He looks surprised, how odd, it happened under his nose.

"Yes, she was."

"I didn't notice, I'm sorry about that."

"Yeah, you should be. I hope you did notice I restrained myself, showing respect to you and your home." I fake her voice " _How dare you call him by his given name?_ "

Christian laughs at my impersonation of the witch. "Did she tell you that?"

"Mhm. Why? I didn't want to call you Christian because you happened to be my boss's boss's boss, but she was truly shocked when I used your name."

"Nobody calls me Christian except for my family… and Elena." _Oh, this is news_.

"What about your girlfriends?"

"Not girlfriends, and no, not even them." _Weird_.

We get out of the elevator and walk toward a super-car, _whoa_. Although all the cars here are awesome. "Do you have more than one?"

"From the black one to the right, all are mine."

"Whoa, why do you have so many cars?"

"Because I can. Let's go." _Consumerist bastard_.

In the car, he switches on the car stereo and connects his cell phone to it. The most magical music of two women singing surrounds us, and I'm instantly seduced by their angelical voices. He notices and smiles. "Flower Duet by Delibes".

"Oh Christian, I'm in love. You like classical music?"

"My taste is eclectic, Anastasia"

"This music is so you, I mean, the romantic you." I tease him and he turns and gazes at me briefly before his eyes are back on the road. He presses a button, and the Kings of Leon start singing.

 _Really? Sex on Fire?_ I laugh and for a couple of seconds he looks his age laughing with me, his untroubled face was there a fleeting moment and I feel proud of myself, I did that.

We stop in front of Seattle Astronomical Society building. I've never been here but I know what they do, this will be good.

"Why are we here?"

"I'm buying a telescope, I called them this morning and they are selling some old equipment to raise funds. They said it's simple but very good for what I have in mind."

I start clapping, I always wanted a telescope, I know it's not for me but I'm so excited. "Yes, yes, Christian, yes." He chuckles at my reaction and grabs my hand. "Let's go inside."

The members of SAS are really nice people, they explain to us how to assemble the telescope, an Orion Astroview 90mm., and how to position it in order to get a good view of planets and constellations. They invite us to their observing sessions and Christian promises them support for the activities at public schools.

"Mr. Grey, Miss Steele, nice meeting you. Try to get the telescope ready for tonight; there is a meteor shower around 11 p.m."

"Oh my God, a meteor shower!" And I'm excited again.

"Yes, no clouds tonight, you should take advantage of that to enjoy the show."

We leave and Christian invites me to have lunch near there, Italian food and I'm counting cutlery again, one fork and two spoons. _How stressful is to hang out with a millionaire!_ We eat in silence; I'm wondering if it's wise to spend the night at Christian's again, I'm not sure about that. It seems too much, too soon.

As usual, he detects my internal conflict. "You are coming. I need you there to understand what is going on. And I want you to enjoy it too." Crap, as Kate says, _a window to my soul_.

"I'm not sure, I just spent the night there."

"So?"

"It doesn't feel right, I don't know."

"Well, then I'll miss the meteor shower. I'm not fixing the telescope onto the balcony without you." He feigns sadness pouting cutely and I can't resist it. I giggle.

"You are being ridiculous… Oh dear… Okay, stop." I giggle again. "I'll be there tonight, but just if you answer some questions."

"Shoot Anastasia. But I'll ask you the same amount of questions. That's the deal. Tit for tat."

"Deal. Who bought the clothes I'm wearing right now?"

"Taylor did, yesterday. Why?"

I blush miserably. "Oh dear God, this is so embarrassing. I'm not sure I can look at him again."

"Why?"

"Okay, listen to me Christian, I don't want your staff buying me clothes, never again. Understood? He bought me underwear; do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?"

He is hiding his smile, I can tell. "It's just underwear, Anastasia."

"No, it's not. He thinks I'm sleeping with you. I can assure you that."

"What?"

"Forget about it, just don't do that again. I'll bring a change of clothes from my place. Another question. Why are you supposed to be alone on Wednesdays?" He's serious all of a sudden, I know it's a personal question but he's a mystery I need to decipher.

"My submissives stay in my apartment from Friday evenings through to Sunday afternoons. I'm alone the rest of the week."

"And they don't use your first name?"

"No, that's in the contract."

"Right, the contract. And they can't touch your back or chest."

"They can't touch me, period." _Oh, dear Jesus_.

"But then how…?"

"There is no need. You just need to know how to do it. I know."

I snort. "Yeah, that's what Susanne said, that you know how."

"Are you finished?"

He's not comfortable with my questions but I need to ask about 'my' bedroom. "No. Am I using Susanne's bedroom?"

"Last one Anastasia, and no, you are not. There are six bedrooms in the penthouse. The one in front of my playroom is the submissive's bedroom."

"That's it, for now. Do you have any questions? Anything you want to know?"

He narrows his eyes. "Why did you and that boy breakup?"

I close my eyes. "He cheated on me. He felt... unsatisfied… you know why." Staring at my tea, I remember the harsh words from José, _cure your frigidness_. Yeah, I'll try.

"He's an idiot, you are like a rare and precious flower. Did you look for help? As a couple?"

I stare at him, my eyes widening. That must be the most beautiful thing I've ever heard from a man, _a rare and precious flower_. Images of all kind of rare flowers come to my mind. Which one does he have in mind? What color? Why a flower? Why rare?

"Anastasia… Anastasia."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

He smirks at me. "A pale blue flower with a delicious scent." _Oh, what a beautiful image_.

"How do you know?" He's telepathic surely. It's spooky.

"What?"

"You seem to know exactly what I'm thinking."

"I just do. I know you, remember?"

"Do you?"

"Mjm. Did you look for help or not?"

"Last one Christian, and no, I wasn't aware that was an issue between us. He never mentioned it until last Saturday. He used that to justify his behavior."

"What an asshole! Anastasia, you asked me five questions." Oh dear, he was counting. "Yes, I was counting." _God, this is unnerving_.

"Okay, you didn't seek help as a couple. What about you? Have you?"

"I have my first session this afternoon, at 6:00." I stare at my tea again.

"You'll do well."

"I have to. My husband deserves it."

"Your what?"

"Eventually, I'll get married. I want a happily ever after and for reaching that I need to repair my broken soul. I don't know him yet, but I owe him that much for loving me so much." I smile, it was a little joke but Christian's eyes are wide like two plates. He shakes his head and feigns indifference.

"You owe me two questions, I'll use them later. Let's go, I have a meeting in half an hour."

Back in the car, we get lost in the beautiful music he has stored on his cell phone, and all too soon we are in the garage of 'Grey House'. The elevator door opens on the sixteenth and I'm utterly surprised when he pushes me and gets out of the elevator with me. He whispers in my ear, "show me your new office." Oh my God, everybody is staring at us, mouths open. He has the nerve to greet them. "Good afternoon everybody."

In my office, he closes the door and sits in a chair in front of my desk, legs crossed, like if he visits my office every single day. I can't believe it, I just sit behind my desk waiting for instructions.

"You have personalized the office Anastasia, in such a short time."

"I just moved my belongings here." _What is he thinking? What does he want?_

"I like it. It's so… you. I'd like to add something to this office."

Suddenly there's a timid tap on my door. "Come in."

Glen steps into my office. "Oh, Mr. Grey, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here."

"It's okay. Come on in."

"Hi Ana, this was delivered to you this morning." She places a wicker basket with white roses in front of me. I can't believe what I'm seeing. _Who is sending me this? Ray?_

I clean my throat, "thanks, Glen."

She leaves the office and I look at Christian. He's very serious, observing my reactions in silence. _Why is this awkward?_ I know he's studying me and it's disconcerting.

I pick up the card and read it.

 _Forgive me Ana, I love you so much._

 _I'm incomplete without you._

 _José._

"These are from José." I can't look at him while speaking, I know what I'll find inside his eyes. Disapproval.

"The asshole?" Jeez, he's like Kate, merciless. _He's right_.

"It's a nice touch. They are beautiful." I smile shyly, but I'm not sure about defending José in front of Christian.

"Yes, his touch seemed really nice outside that bar last Saturday. You didn't look happy, though." I swallow. _Shit._ I've forgotten Christian was there.

"He just got out of line." I shrug.

"Well, next time he gets out of line, maybe someone should teach him some manners."

"You are quite the disciplinarian," I hiss at him.

"Oh, Anastasia, you have no idea."

"I think I have an inkling." His eyes narrow and we stare at each other for a while, it's like a contest. I lose, I can't stand looking at his gray burning eyes, full of discontent.

"I have a meeting Anastasia. What time are you going to Escala?"

"Oh, I have the appointment with the psychiatrist and then…"

"Psychiatrist? You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a psychologist."

"Dr. Greene has both degrees. After that, I have my self-defense class until 8:00. I'll be there by 9:00." I gaze nervously at him.

"When are you eating?" _Dear God, what's wrong with this man?_

"I'll have a sandwich after seeing Dr. Greene."

"Taylor will drive you. You will get your new car tomorrow morning." His tone authoritative, his mask back on, the boss is in the office.

"Thank you… Mr. Grey." I do this on purpose and look straight into his eyes again, with a little more confidence. I don't like him speaking to me like that.

His eyes soften and his expression warms. "See you later Anastasia." _That's better_.

"See you later Christian."

He leaves and the office seems a little empty. I'm getting used to his company, too many hours with him in just one week.

I stare at the flowers feeling confused, they are beautiful, the card message is touching, but his harsh words are still resonating inside my head. José misses me, which is weird since he wasn't around too much lately. Maybe he misses the idea of me, the memory of us, we certainly had good moments.

The ringing of my desk phone interrupts my reverie, it's Glen. She is sending me my assignments to my e-mail, and I welcome the distraction. I get lost in my work until there is a knock at the door. It's 4 o'clock already.

"Come in." _Oh shit, is that awful woman_ , Mrs. McGrath. Two awful women in one day are too much for my nerves. "Good afternoon Mrs. McGrath. Please take a seat… What can I do for you?"

"Miss Steele, I noticed you weren't here this morning. Neither was Mr. Grey." I stay in silence waiting for her accusation. But she's just sat there, studying my reaction to her words.

"Mr. Benford gave me the morning off. You can talk with him if you think that's a problem."

"Mr. Benford or Mr. Grey?"

I'm not taking any more bullshit today, and I'm in my office. I pick up the handset of my desk phone. "Do you want me to call my boss, so you ask directly to him whose idea was to give me the morning off?"

"Oh, come on Miss Steele, there is no need to bother Sam." _Awful woman_.

"I need to get back to my work."

"Of course, I just have one question. Why is a young girl like you defending so fervently Mr. Grey's lifestyle? What's your ulterior motive?" _What the hell?_

"I believe what I said yesterday. The journalist was malicious and judgmental, Mr. Grey's intimate life is no one else's business and there is nothing wrong about it."

"And you know that first hand? Why were you offered this job? It was created just for you."

"Why is that a problem? I'm leaving in six months. I'm here as part of the internship Program."

"Are you? I think you are trying to seduce Mr. Grey, to climb the corporate ladder, and you won't hesitate taking some of us down on your way up."

I slowly rise, gazing at her intently, showing my indignation. "You can't come in here and disrespect me like that, just because your backward brain wasn't helpful yesterday at the meeting. I'm not afraid of you Mrs. McGrath, I'm doing nothing wrong. I earned this office and my promotion with hard work and good ideas. You should evaluate your performance here if you think your position is at stake."

She arches an eyebrow. I think she's impressed. "Now, for the second time, I need you to leave my office, I have work to do."

She finally stands up and before she opens the door she stares at me, ice-cold green eyes boring into my skull. "I'll be watching you Miss Steele."

"Suit yourself."

I sink in my chair after she leaves; this's one of the consequences of having a relationship with Christian. Well, I'll learn how to deal with that. _Screw the trolls! I'm not hiding._

Finally, it's five thirty, and I collect my jacket and purse. I look at the roses. Should I take them with me, bring them home? I'm still mad at José so I decide to offer the flowers to Glen, but I take the card with me, it's a beautiful message, really loving and I need that.


	12. Stardust

Chap. 12 Stardust.

CPOV.

"Taylor, change the access code to the penthouse. I don't want any more surprises. The one this morning was unpleasantly unexpected."

"Very well, sir."

"And go to the 16th floor, wait until Miss Steele finishes and drive her wherever she tells you. She will go to Escala around 9 o'clock. Give her the new code."

"But sir, who will be with you? The press is getting crazy these days, and they are already gathering outside the building and at Escala."

"I will drive from one garage to another, nobody will notice."

"With all due respect sir, you could assign a driver to Miss Steele."

"She'll get her car tomorrow morning when the documents are ready, no need for a driver. I assume full responsibility, Taylor."

A free Wednesday morning surely has its cost, one meeting after another, one phone call after another, but it is well worth it. Now I have a telescope, and finally see some real utility to the fact that I own a penthouse, far up from pollution, from streetlights, no neighbors blocking my view. I'm very excited about this. There is so much simplicity in the act of watching the sky, and at the same time you can feel the link with the ancient times, the long history of humans getting amazed by the stars. Of course, I feel like this thanks to Anastasia because, as Trouton, she has the ability to raise the ordinary to extraordinary. Everything around her gets that quality, that magical conversion. _She could so easily have been describing herself with that remark_.

After a few minutes looking to the streets of the city through my floor-to-ceiling window, I go to another of my countless meetings. I'm exhausted already, but I can't complain. I'm where always wanted to be, far away from my origins, on the opposite side, in control of every single detail of my life. _Except for Anastasia!_ Hmm, that maddening woman is uncontrollable, it's so exasperating to have to convince her every time I want her to do anything. I shake my head in disbelieve because deep inside I know her stubbornness is what saved her from being destroyed by those four months of hell on earth, is what will help her to overcome her problems. Such a demeaning and horrible experience and she still wants a love story with a happy ending. _Yeah, he didn't snatch that from her, from the tigress._ I smile remembering her at the park, the on guard position after the assault, her disdain toward the security guard.

I send Ros, my number two and chief operating officer, to the lobby of 'Grey House' to offer a press conference addressing our response to the offending article. In the meantime, I drive toward Escala without incidents, as predicted.

I already faced my family, Mia was particularly annoying and Elliot's sarcasm demanded all my self-restraint. I already faced the Media, my subordinates. Now everything is more or less under control. But there is something bothering me, ah yes, the flowers from that fucking asshole, I need to talk about that with Anastasia, she won't have what she wants with such a piece of shit. _And now you give relationship advice?_ Well, it's kind of logical.

…

…

APOV

"Kate, are you here?"

"Ana, finally, where have you been? Have you read that article about your boyfriend? My boss wants me to interview him."

Oh no, poor Christian, now Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition is after him. "Kate, knock it off! I left you a note on the fridge, I told you I wouldn't sleep here."

"Right, about that, where did you sleep Ana? Did you sort things out with José?" KK Inquisition is _after me too._

"No, and I don't want to talk about that. So, your boss wants an exclusive?"

"Please, Ana, please. Talk to him, he's completely smitten with you!"

"Smitten? Your radar is broken or you didn't read that article. And no, forget about it. But I have a phone number for you, an Anthropologist that have studied BDSM in Seattle for ten years, you can write something interesting after interviewing her."

"Come on Ana, it's not the same." She is pouting. Who does she think I'm, one of her many conquests?

"Kate, don't you want to be a serious journalist? A respected one? Then write an article introducing ordinary people to this lifestyle, but seriously, not like that judgmental woman. I'm telling you, that Anthropologist has good material, very good material. The people is curious, now is when."

"You might be right."

"I'm taking a shower and then I'm leaving."

"Where are you going, Ana? Do you have a secret boyfriend?"

Because I don't want to talk about Christian, I ask her about Elliot. Katherine's whole demeanor changes at the mere mention of his name, she lights up from within, beaming at me.

"We had such a great date yesterday, we talked so much. I've never done that before. I like him, I like him a lot."

"Have you kissed him already?"

"Yes, it's a goodbye kiss." She is blushing. _Oh boy, she got it bad!_

"Were you fine with it?"

"Yes. I didn't freak out like last Sunday, but I didn't want to go further." Wow, this's a novelty, she is the one smitten. I'm happy for my friend, a little envious too. I give her a strong hug. "I'm so happy for you Kate. So happy that you're getting over it. Don't let anybody force you to do anything you don't want to do."

…

I'm riding up to his penthouse like yesterday, but unlike yesterday, I'm relaxed. I feel more at ease about Christian's mood; yes, he gets crossed easily but nothing I can't handle. And the truth is, I get crossed too.

This time, he's waiting for me sat on the black sofa and holding a star chart in his hands. It's kind of obvious he's having a hard time trying to understand it, and that makes me smile. He sees me and amusement lights up his gray eyes. "Good evening Anastasia. I'm glad you find me funny."

"Good evening Christian. Don't play the thin-skinned, it doesn't suit you. Give me that." I put my backpack on the floor, sit on the sofa, and show him how to use the chart.

"Hold the chart above your head and use Polaris as a reference to find north. Yesterday I told you how to find Polaris, remember? Following a line drawn from the two stars of the bowl of the saucepan. Let's go to the balcony." He follows me as a puppy dog, wearing a shy smile that makes him look his age, he usually looks older than he is.

We set up the telescope on the right side of the huge balcony, so we point north. I love this telescope, it has a tripod and slow motion control for tracking objects as they move across the night sky. I show Christian the craters and mountains of the Moon, then Jupiter and its four main moons. He's paying attention, enjoying the experience, such an attentive student!

But I'm not a teacher, I'm a friend. "Christian, bring a notepad and two pens, let's play, I have an idea." He's surprised.

"Do you want to play with me?"

"Yes Christian, let's have fun with the stars. Bring a big notepad, I'm sure you have one. We still have an hour before the meteor shower starts."

He disappears inside his penthouse and I align the telescope to a fixed point in the sky. This man has had a lot of good, dirty, kinky fun that I'm not even aware exist, but I have something new to offer him. Simple and uncomplicated fun, what we mortals do from time to time inside our small, modest, full colored homes.

I bring a small table to the balcony and put it next to the telescope. Christian hands me a notepad, he's serious. _Why?_

"Christian, what's the matter?"

"My family gathers every Sunday to have lunch together, and after that they play games, indoor family games. I've never participated even though I see them having a good time. I'm not comfortable about playing." Oh no, my heart constricts, this is worse than what I thought.

"Help me with this couch." There is a small couch next to the balcony door. We move it toward the table and I invite him to sit next to me.

"Why?"

"Because I don't fit into the picture." That's all he says and I know what he means, there was a time in my life I felt that way.

"I think I understand that feeling. My mother remarried when I was thirteen, I felt out of the picture and isolated myself a whole year. When I turned fifteen Ray, my previous stepfather, had an accident and I went back to Montesano with him, where I felt comfortable and part of something, where I felt useful and at home." We're staring at each other's eyes. I can sense we connect, again. I run my fingers absentmindedly over the leather of the couch. "My new stepfather was a rich sophisticated man. I was raised in a very humble environment so I didn't fit in my mother's new life. I still am afraid of cutlery when I go to restaurants. That's why I prefer to stay here with you or at my place, you seem to use too many forks and spoons for my liking."

He's smiling again, uff, what a relief!

"I could teach you."

"Cutlery Etiquette?"

"Yes."

"Okay, but only if you play with me." Yes, his amused face is back.

"Explain this game, Anastasia."

"We will create new constellations."

"How?"

"Oh, it's very simple Christian, ancient peoples just observed the stars and imagined figures: animals, tools, Gods, warriors. We are going to do the same, but imagining modern objects that didn't exist at that time, like a computer or a car. Then we will draw the pattern in the notepad, as a help for finding it in the sky. We'll have our constellations Christian, our own star chart." He seems delighted and I immediately see it, it's a revelation.

"Oh my God, Christian! We are pregnant."

"What the hell, Anastasia!"

I giggle, his transfixed expression is a poem.

"The child inside you is coming back to life." I smile and he relaxes. "I'm a mother now, be careful Christian, I'm overprotective."

He chuckles softly. "Isn't it the mother the one supposed to carry the child?"

"Oh, you need an open mind Christian, male seahorses get pregnant and deliver their offspring. And maybe in Asgard, you are the ones with the period." He laughs at my joke.

"Okay, let's start. I already positioned the telescope. Go Christian."

He stands up, observes trough the telescope and starts drawing in the notepad. "What's that?"

"Patience, Anastasia, patience."

He has chosen seven stars. "Christian, use some references, the Polaris and maybe Cassiopeia constellation. So we can remember where is ours."

"I finish."

"What is it?"

"It's a flower, its name is Anastasia." _Oh my, he is so sweet._

"I love it, Christian, it's beautiful." I turn the page, look through the telescope a few times, and then chose ten starts for my constellation. "What do you think?"

"I like it, looks interesting, what is it?"

"A dark Angel. His great deeds are legendary, rescuing damsels in distress." We smile foolishly at each other and he shakes his head.

"This is a strange game, Anastasia. There aren't winners."

"We are just having fun and you are getting acquainted with the night sky. It's a win-win game."

He cocks his head to one side. "What do you win?"

"I'm sharing my fascination for the stars."

He chuckles. "Damn Anastasia, what are you doing to me?"

"I knocked you up."

Christian laughs freely and takes the notepad. "Okay, my turn." He draws ten dots, locates the reference stars, and smirks at me.

"Guess!"

I analyze the draw but can't figure it out. _Is that a trident?_ I shake my head and shrug my shoulders.

"The name of this constellation is 'cutlery', see? A large spoon and a fork. In your honor."

I narrow my eyes. "Really?" _Challenge accepted_.

After a few minutes, I'm done. _Oh, this's a good one_.

"Guess!"

"Too many dots Anastasia, I have no idea."

"Wait, let me connect them. Now?"

He studies the pattern. "Nothing."

"Okay. This seven stars here, cufflinks, and here that strange cross in your room of truths."

His eyes narrow, and then he grins wickedly. "My playroom?"

"Oh, that name is childish, makes me think about x-box and table tennis tables." He laughs, loudly. He has a beautiful laugh too. He's perfect, physically speaking, like Kate. _I'm surrounded by Mother Earth's favorites_.

"Saint Andrew's cross."

"What?"

"The cross, it's a Saint Andrew's cross. Very functional." I blush helplessly and feel a faint stab of envy. I want that pleasure, so badly, especially after my session with Dr. Greene. She gave me hopes. Is Christian's therapist giving him hopes? Hopes about what?

"Do you already have a new girlfriend?"

"Anastasia, for the umpteenth time, no girlfriends, just submissives." There is a note of exasperation in his voice.

"That's not true, your relationships are untraditional but are relationships. Susanne talked about three months Christian, that's a lot of time, she wasn't a stranger."

"We weren't interested in each other, it's just sex."

"I refuse to believe that, she wasn't an inflatable doll." He chuckles at my thought and lowers his voice.

"You are right Anastasia, she wasn't. But you need to understand that I've never shared a piece of information about my life with them. We just exchanged… pleasure, tons of pleasure and… sometimes pain." Oh, tons of pleasure, I can't even imagine that.

"Even for giving pleasure you need to know your partner."

"No Anastasia, I just needed to know her limits. I'm well acquainted with the female body." I sigh, somehow that's depressing, at least in my mind.

"I know that's fine for you, I'm not judging, but maybe you will find enjoyable to get more and give a little more in your relationships with those women."

"Not interested. And no, I don't have a submissive right now." He looks intently at me and strokes his chin thoughtfully. "Now you owe me three questions."

Oh no, Christian Inquisition is embarrassing as hell and way too personal. _As were your questions to him_.

"How was your meeting with that doctor." _Crap_.

"Fine."

"I want details."

"That's like two questions in one."

"Just answer me." _Bossy man_. I close my eyes and let it go.

"She advised a sex therapist."

"A what?" I feel my face burning with embarrassment.

"A sex therapist. She said I'm still under stress for the sexual assault, and I have low libido." I snort. "Right, low, I'd say zero." I peek up at him through my lashes, he's so serious. Jeez, it's my problem, not his.

"That's it?"

I close my eyes again. "She also advised a sexual surrogate, she gave me a phone number. That should be after five or six months of therapy."

"What for?"

"To initiate me in physical intimacy. This's equivalent to one million questions, seriously. I don't want to talk about this."

"And you think I enjoy talking about my submissives with you? I think that's only fair." He's right. I roll my eyes.

"Fine, Jeez. She said I should be optimistic, to know what I want will help me."

"Did you tell her about that asshole?" _What?_

"Last question. Yes."

"And?"

"Her silence was quite eloquent, I think she agrees with you. She said that he made the whole thing worse when he called me frigid." His stance changes immediately, his eyes hardening to flint.

"HE CALLED YOU WHAT? THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE." He shouts and I jump.

"Christian, calm down, you scared me." He takes a deep breath and I take his hand.

"He was right Christian, don't look at me like that. That's the term for my condition."

"Anastasia, he wasn't trying to help you with terms and definitions, he was justifying his stupidity, blaming you. You said that."

"It doesn't change the fact that he was right about me." I put my head in my hands. "Enough Christian. I want to enjoy the meteor shower, please…"

"Promise me you won't call him." _Where is this coming from?_ I frown up at him

"Why?"

"Because you will never get what you want if you forgive him, and I want you to be happy."

"He said he loves me."

"His love is mediocre. You deserve better." My head swims with rejection

"And your sphere of reference is…?" _Mr. 'it's just sex' should shut up_. What does Christian know of love?

"You, Anastasia, you are my sphere of reference. Nothing about you is mediocre." He disarms me, so much faith... I hug him without thinking and he stiffens slightly but doesn't move. I rush to the opposite side of the couch.

"I'm sorry Christian, I didn't mean to disturb you."

"It's Ok, it wasn't that bad. I got to inhale your scent."

"Creepy."

He smiles and I feel at ease again.

"Is it okay if I use your kitchen?"

"Of course Anastasia."

I go to my backpack and take out a couple of chocolate sachets, my favorite brand, and my binoculars. From the laundry room, I grab a couple of blankets and take everything to the balcony. The cups with hot chocolate on the table, the blankets covering us, enjoying the celestial fireworks with my binoculars. Life is perfect right now.

"There are some native American peoples that believe a meteor is a person's soul on its way to the afterlife."

"How do you know that?"

"I read… a lot." I sigh. "I'd like to go to the afterlife during a meteor shower, so I won't be traveling alone."

"It won't matter, I'll be waiting for you." Oh my God, how can he be so sweet and at the same time so emotionally detached.

"You will be waiting for your wife Christian, not me. You know, your best half, your soul mate."

"I'll never marry Anastasia."

"Never say never."

"Why did you call it the room of truths?" Mjm, he couldn't hide his curiosity about my statement anymore.

I giggle. "Because you hide some of your truths inside that room. Your romantic self, your intensity, your colorful soul, and until a couple of days ago, your kinkiness. I imagine you as a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly every time you cross that magic door. The room turns you into your real you."

He smirks. "That was poetic. But remember, some caterpillars are poisonous to the touch."

"Do you think you are dangerous to me Christian?"

"Not at all. I just don't like caterpillars."

"Exactly. Because you are struggling against that."

"And where are you in your vision." I look at him and smile, I like this new game, we are writing a story.

"I'm dressed up as a rare flower, a pale blue flower with a delicious scent that attracts the male butterfly to feed him with stars dust, so he remains a butterfly even out of the room. Look, it's falling from the sky right now." He looks at me surprised.

"You think I need to change, that I'm not good enough?" _Mm, what a question!_

"No Christian, metamorphosis isn't about not being good enough, is about evolving and becoming something better. The caterpillar is a necessary step, the cocoon another important step. The butterfly is the goal. Don't take it literally, I'm just developing a story based on what we have shared so far, to construct something related to both of us. It's what I do when writing."

"To amazingly extraordinary!"

"What?"

"Nothing. What happens with the butterfly after eating the stars dust."

"Mm, he becomes an Angel, a beautiful Angel with gray eyes."

"And his purpose?"

"Feeding the world's poor. He wants to eradicate hunger." His eyes widen for a second.

"What happens with the flower?" Oh dear, he's hooked on the story.

"Actually, she was an owl-eyed fairy that flew toward the ocean, where she belonged."

"Why the ocean?"

"She loves the ocean." He does not look pleased.

"So, she leaves the butterfly? the Angel? Whatever. She leaves him?"

I snort, "I assure you, he won't be alone."

"But maybe he's missing her. Maybe he wants her around."

I turn and look at the sky, hidden under the blanket. "He gave her a special wand when he knew she was leaving. Every time he misses her the ocean turns dark, so she knows and waves the magic wand to materialize next to him." I make a pause. "And makes him some hot chocolate." He chuckles.

"I'm not going anywhere, Christian." I hear his breath hitch. "I'm going to Portland this weekend, though."

"What for?" _Not a boyfriend, he behaves like a freaking husband for God's sake_.

"I have a meeting with my reading group. I want to reconnect with them, I miss them."

"When exactly is this meeting?"

I roll my eyes. "Saturday afternoon. Why?"

"I had something in mind for us." _What is this? Is he getting attached to me?_

"Christian, you didn't know I even existed two weeks ago."

For a fraction of a second he looks lost, somehow. "I'm sorry, Anastasia, I enjoy so much your company. I've never met someone like you."

"There is a term for what you are feeling; it's a chemical reaction inside you. I don't remember exactly. I feel the same, it's not just you. When people share a lot of time together, the body tries to keep it that way. I'll look for it." I turn to look at him. "There is a word in Portuguese, _Saudade_. It's like nostalgia but you go through it without the pain, happy that you have people and places to miss. Let's embrace some healthy _saudade_ for a couple of days. I'll feel _saudade_ for you too." His face is suddenly sad.

"When will I see you again?"

"Sunday. But Christian, what about inviting someone over for dinner. You could bring your sister to my place and I'd cook. You need to spend time with your family."

"Come with me to the Sunday lunch at my parents' house." _His parents' house?_ The mother was nice but the father wasn't comfortable with my presence.

"You think they will be happy about me showing up at their family afternoon?"

"You will be with me, of course it will be fine. My mother had been bugging me to bring someone over, so she could meet my friends."

"Okay, 3 hours driving... I'll be ready at noon." I'm so tired all of a sudden, I put my head on Christian's shoulder, there is a comfortable spot. I'm falling asleep.

"There is no need, I'll pick you up."

"But I have a new car." I mumble sleepily.

"We'll fly up from Portland to Seattle." _Am I dreaming? Did he say 'fly'?_

"Fly?"

"Yes. I have a helicopter."

"A helicopter." _Yes, I'm dreaming_. And with that last thought, I pass out into an exhausted sleep.

…

…

CPOV

She is fast asleep and it's getting cold, but I'm so comfortable. I enjoy the weight of her head on my shoulder, the warmness from her body, and I'm completely intoxicated, punch-drunk with her scent. _Delicious!_ Maybe if I cover her with the blankets we can stay here like this. I manage to get us covered by both blankets and I think we'll be just fine. We are on the balcony of a penthouse, but the blankets are thick, the balcony has a glass screen that protects us from the wind, and the patio heater is providing some warmth.

Must be 2:00 a.m. I hope she won't be too tired in the morning, and since I won't see her until Sunday I prefer to enjoy this intimacy, this peace. I was really worried about the fear I suddenly felt when she was making up that story about us, I didn't like it but then she said it's normal to feel like this, addicted to her. I'll ask Flynn anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow.

She moves, gets closer to me and I have to push away the strange swell of emotion that gnaws at my insides. It's not like the darkness, but it's something I feel growing inside me. Something I don't understand, but as she explained it's normal. I remember she said I was carrying our child and I smile. _Must be the baby kicking_. And with that in my mind, I close my eyes and fall asleep.

…

"No, please. Don't hit me." The whispered words penetrate my slumber, I stir and wake.

 _What was that?_ _Where the hell am I?_

It's Anastasia and we are on the balcony. "What is it, Anastasia?" I mutter. She starts moving her head erratically, "Don't hit me, please." _Shit, a nightmare_. She is writhing in agony. "No!" She cries out, and the eerie, devastating sound lances through me. I feel so much anguish and sadness in my chest, like if it was me the one having the nightmare.

I grab her shoulders and shake her awake. She opens her eyes, they are vacant, scanning quickly round the balcony before coming back to rest on me. "Christian!" She hugs me and I feel the darkness surfacing through my chest, sinking its teeth into my throat, I can't breathe. "Christian!" She starts crying softly, her breath tickling my ear and suddenly the darkness disappears and the pounding in my heart ceases. It's replaced by an anxious urge to make her feel better, replaced by the certainty that she belongs in here, inside my embrace.

"I'm here Anastasia, I'm here. Nobody will hurt you." She relaxes and I start stroking her hair. "Hush" I whisper in an attempt to halt her tears and calm her. She doesn't respond, is crying in silence, her head is now on my chest but the darkness is strangely quiet. She says nothing, and slowly her crying dissipates into soft sniffling sobs. I continue stroking her hair. "I got you, sweet girl."

She's so pale, the palest I've ever seen her. I pull the blankets to cover her body and we remain like this for an eternity until she falls asleep. Her arms are around me seeking protection; my arms are around her giving protection. I start stroking her hair again, _it's so silky_ , I gently stroke her face, _her skin is so soft_ , I brush my thumb against her bottom lip, _so beautiful_. She moans. _What was that?_ I brush my finger over her mouth again and her lips part as she exhales a long sweet moan. I know what this is.

 _Oh, Anastasia, you will be ready soon, you will get what you want. You just need a little help from those therapists._ I just hope she doesn't give her sweetness to that asshole, to that stupid José. I feel an unwelcome pang of jealousy for the man that will complete her, that will make her feel as loved and cherished as she deserves. Pain lances through me while thinking of her with another man. _Why is this painful? Why?_ I can't take my eyes off her… her delicate, elfin face, those lips. And mesmerized by her beauty I fall asleep again.


	13. Soul mate

Chap. 13 Soul mate.

APOV

"Miss Steele… Miss Steele."

I hear a soft voice while I surface from my sleep. Mrs. Jones is in front of me with her sweet smile. I'm lying on the couch covered with the blankets, feeling confused. My head is resting on Christian's Jacket and his male scent is dragging me back to my sleep. _Mmm, I like his smell_.

"Miss Steele." I sit up embarrassed, trying to hide the drool stain on his jacket.

"Mrs. Jones, good morning." _My hair must be a mess… and my clothes_. I hate that there are always strangers in this place, witnessing my disheveled appearance early in the morning. Correction, I'm the stranger here.

"Good morning. Mr. Grey asked me to wake you up, it's half past seven Miss Steele."

"Oh, thank you. Where is he?"

"He left an hour ago, there was a situation." Her face shows concern.

"Something bad happened?"

She shrugs her shoulders."Would you like some breakfast, ma'am?"

 _Ma'am?_ Must be the first time someone addresses me like that.

"Oh please, call me Ana."

"Ana." She smiles.

"Thank you, but I'll have something later, the office kitchen is well stocked."

While walking to 'my' bedroom, Mrs. Jones stops me. "I laundered your clothes from yesterday, they are hanging inside the wardrobe." _What? But I hid my clothes under the pillow._ I feel a scarlet wave surging up my neck. "Thank you, Mrs. Jones."

In the shower, I try to figure out what happened after my nightmare. I'm a little ashamed, but something new is there. I remember how he held me, how I relaxed and stopped crying, feeling safe and, somehow, at home. And that's the central core of my confusion, I felt at home and was able to go back to sleep. I've never been able to go back to sleep, I'm always too shaken by my nightmares.

In such a short time Christian has become so dear to me, but I know José was dear to me too, and yet he never, ever, transmitted that serenity to me, that peace. _What is different?_

Of course, José never asked about the source of mi distress, about the content of my nightmares; and in less than two weeks Christian knows all about it, the past, the present and the future implications. He seems genuinely concerned about how it affects me and what I'm doing to overcome it. Why José never asked? How come I shared intimacy for so long with someone that knew so little about me, someone that was never curious about my demons, my worries, my sadness? That feels wrong, so wrong.

I enfold myself in a bathrobe and go directly to my cell phone. I need to do this.

- **José, the flowers are lovely, thank you. Regarding the message: I'm not interested and it's definitive. Please, respect that.** **A.**

Then I go to my purse and take out his card. I read it one more time before throwing it in a trash bin, I know I've thrown more than just that, and such certitude gives me satisfaction. _He's right, Jose's love for me is mediocre._ It's better to be alone, not getting my expectations crushed at every turn. I feel gratitude toward Christian because the truth is he's good for me too. In just a couple of weeks, he's closer to me than what José was after years. _Is this real? In just two weeks? Not even two weeks? Like he were my soul mate?_ No, he can't be, we are so different. _  
_

My clothes hang laundered and ironed in the closet, along with my clean bra and panties. _Jeez, what with his staff and my underwear_. This time I'm taking my dirty clothes with me, and, after giving it a thought, I left one change of clothes in the closet. For the next time, who knows?

I look out the window, the sky is so blue and clear in August, beautiful. I notice a void inside me while enjoying this natural wonder, _what is it?_ I need to write, I know writing will make me feel better about whatever this is. It's been a while.

Mrs. Jones hands me a cup of tea, I told her I wanted nothing but I can't be impolite. And suddenly I feel awkward with just the two of us here, I think I ought to make some kind of conversation. "How long have you worked for Christian?"

"Four years or so." Mm, the same time he's been living here. She sets something inside a bag. "Here you are, a sandwich. You can eat this later, Taylor will be here in five minutes."

"A sandwich?"

"Mr. Grey called while you were in the shower. He said I must prepare something for you because you are used to skipping meals. He was worried, please accept the sandwich."

I can't react properly, he just called to ask about my breakfast? He's definitively insane, sweetly insane. I smile and accept the bag. My guardian Angel is worry about my nutrition; surely he's making me part of his campaign to eradicate hunger. Is there a trauma regarding food? I don't think a crack addict can follow a toddler's schedule. The sorrow overcomes me as I start to unwind my thoughts. _Oh shit, Christian had starved when he was little!_

Taylor arrives and I notice a suspicious exchange of gazes between Mrs. Jones and him, an exchange that is as intense as it is evanescent. _Mjm, they are having a silent conversation_. His face shows concern, something has happened and now I'm sure. I know it'll be useless to ask him about it.

"Mrs. Jones, could you please move the telescope so it's under the roof. If it rains the lenses will get damaged."

"Of course Ana."

…

"Taylor, please, I need to go first to my apartment."

"Very well, Miss Steele." Having people following my command is a whole new experience, I could get used to this.

Some minutes later, in my bedroom, I drop my backpack on the bed and take my external hard drive with me, also a USB flash drive. I have one promise to fulfill and since some complication is going on, maybe it will serve a wider purpose. _A distraction_.

Kate is nowhere to be seen and I must hurry or I'll be late, so letting a 'good morning' note on the fridge is more than fine.

Once in the office, I take my phone out of my purse. I'll ask the only person that maybe will answer.

 **\- Good morning Christian. Is everything alright? Thank you for last night.**

I wait five minutes but nothing, so I call Glen to ask her about my assignments for today.

-Ana, you need to go to Mr. Benford's office. He will explain everything to you personally.

I feel nervous and worried at the same time, another scandal? I don't think so. _But something has happened._ I knock at the door and he shouts a 'Come in'.

Mr. Benford is pacing his office with a folder open in one hand and a phone in the other. He points to one chair and I sit down diligently. His office is a work in progress, notes and reference materials stacked in every available cubby and corner.

He finishes his phone call and sinks into his executive desk chair, spinning to face me.

"Good morning Miss Steele. I shall be brief because my time is short. Grey Enterprises Holdings has decided to give support to a small publishing company based here in Seattle. We want you to take a look at their proposals for this semester, to write a report about each manuscript and establish the criteria for the selection process. We'll only support the publication of three books from eleven proposals. We have until November 20th to present them our decision."

He makes a pause to study my face. I'm utterly surprised but excited as hell. This's what I want to do, but as a result of a training process, not jumping directly to the responsibility.

"Mr. Benford, I surely have a degree for doing this, I'm not sure about the needed experience."

"Don't worry Miss. Steele, you will work with Jack Hyde, the commissioning editor at SIP, Seattle Independent Publishing. Also, those manuscripts already passed through a couple of filters inside their Company, we won't be too far from their expectations."

He stands up, walks toward the door and opens it for me, terminating the meeting. "Don't forget that we have the last word about what we support, and they have other means for publishing. Don't let them trample over you Miss Steele, and get as much experience as you can. Do not hesitate to ask for my help." He gives me a sincere smile and closes the door after me.

This is maybe the best internship program ever, almost unreal, surely unreal. I pinch myself, _ouch_. Totally real.

Christian wants me to get closer to my dream of being a literary agent. How much is he investing in this Project? Mm, I must be responsible about the whole thing. I know all about SIP, it's small and unconventional, championing local authors; it'll be a dream come true to work with them.

I assume the guidelines for this task are sent to me via e-mail, he didn't give me anything. I turn on my computer and wait as it starts up. _Nothing, I should ask Glen_. I remember my message to Christian and check my phone, no answer so far.

Suddenly the door bursts open, Christian enters hastily shutting the door and sinking in one of the two chairs placed in front of my desk. He's pale, with an appearance of sadness, exhaustion or distress that makes my heart ache. I stand up and run, kneeling in front of him and taking his hand. "What is it, Christian? What's wrong?"

"She tried to kill herself by slashing her wrists." He says as his gaze focuses on something far away outside the window. I feel a shiver running up my spine, I'm afraid to ask.

"Who?"

"Susanne." He looks at me and there are so many emotions inside his beautiful eyes: remorse, fear, sadness. "My mother called early in the morning, she was working on the night shift when Susanne was hospitalized." This's huge, worse than that article. "Anastasia, I know you said Sunday…" I interrupt his nonsense.

"No, no, Christian, forget what I said. I'm here for you 24/7." He smiles, weakly but smiles. I take the other chair and move it next to him, it looks like a Victorian love seat shaping a letter S. Mm, some jealous father invented those chairs, close but not that close. _What a silly thought, focus Ana_. I grab his hand again.

"You said _she tried_. So, she's alive."

"Yes."

"Do you know why she did such a thing?"

He sighs heavily and mutters. "Her little brother is dying, he needs a heart transplant. Finding a donor's heart has been difficult and they don't have health insurance. She sold the story to the magazine to help the family, but the money is frozen because of the lawsuit."

"But, a suicide? That makes no sense."

He squeezes my hand. "She was thrown out of her home when they knew about the lifestyle. Their Church demanded that." _Oh my, poor girl_. Of course, she exposed Christian, but also herself.

"This is all so fucked up." He breathes and runs his free hand through his hair.

"Oh, Christian, this's not your fault. Although I told you, she's not an inflatable doll, she is a human being with human problems and human weaknesses." I slowly remark every word. "But, none of this is your fault."

He stares at our hands and starts running his thumb across my knuckles to and fro. "Your skin is so soft." It feels good, but I won't let him distract me from my train of thought.

"Is this the first time you are haunted by your girlf… er… submissives' personal lives?" He doesn't answer, caressing my knuckles absentmindedly. "Christian."

He shakes his head and frowns as if recalling something uncomfortable. "What?"

"Are you listening to what I'm saying?" He looks straight into my eyes. "What did you say?"

"Are my bony hands distracting you?" He looks down at my hands, studying them. "Yes, they are bony, but soft and warm too. I like your hands."

I roll my eyes. "Is this the first time you are haunted by your submissives' personal lives?"

"I think so, yes."

"Did you go to the hospital?" He starts caressing my hand again, looking down. "Mjm."

"Did you see her?" Abruptly, he looks up at me. "No."

"Then, what did you do there?" He withdraws his hand and his face wears the impassive mask I now know so well. "I talked with her mother. I'm paying for the brother's transplant and her hospital expenses."

"Oh Christian, I always knew you had a big heart." His eyes are flinty gray and guarded.

"There are people who'd say I don't have a heart."

"Why would they say that?"

"Because they know me well."

I'm confused and angry at him for thinking like that. "Well, that's not true, and I wouldn't be here with you if I wasn't convinced of the opposite. You do have a heart, and it's big."

Christian frowns as he gazes at me. "I did that out of guilty."

"Guilty? About what?"

He sits up and squares his shoulders. "For losing control of the situation. I'm always in control Anastasia, so shit like this doesn't come along. I'm taking the control back."

"You can't control everything and shouldn't try to control everything. Life is messy. We can control how we react, and your reaction to all of this was sympathetic and compassionate. You are helping them Christian, when you could have stayed oblivious to their troubles."

"You are wrong Anastasia, I avoid getting myself into certain situations by controlling the variables that are involved. I will narrow the possibilities of having a car accident if I get my car checked every month by the mechanic."

His logic is overwhelming and his voice is curt. "I'm just saying that you can't control every single thing and that you acted as a good person, like it or not. You are just hiding behind that logic." I mumble, staring at my knuckles.

"Hiding?"

"Why are you here Christian?" I can tell he's surprised by my question.

"I'm not sure. I feel better after talking with you."

"Really? A young girl you didn't know existed two weeks ago? You, a powerful man who has everything under control, physically, emotionally, materially? Where am I in your controlled life?"

"Anastasia, I don't have an answer right now. I told you I felt a connection between us. To me that was new, and… pleasant and… even necessary deep inside me. My therapist advised me to follow it through." He sighs heavily. "Look, I know you said Sunday but…"

I interrupt him again, after the same sentence. "No, no, Christian, this's not about that, forget I said that. I'm glad you are here, actually I'd be sad if I knew you didn't count on me after what happened. It's just that… you are talking about yourself in a way that confuses me. You want everything under control, where am I there?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. To me, this is as incomprehensible as for you."

 _Am I just a controlled experiment?_ "So I'm a plain, harmless, predictable brunette you can add to the equation to see what happens. Even the color of my hair is convenient."

Christian takes my hand and gently skims his thumb across my knuckles, it calms me. "You got that the wrong way around, Anastasia. You are sweet, intelligent, honest, warm, strong, witty, creative; the list is endless. Yes, I consider you harmless but because of your kindness. You are exasperatingly unpredictable, and I already told you there is nothing plain about you, nothing mediocre about you."

Nervously, I tuck my loosened hair behind my ear. _Is he talking about me?_ It doesn't sound like me.

"My therapist says that I need to let go of the control. I can't. But somehow I let you in, and now I can't imagine my life without your presence, your company, that's why I'm here."

"Oh no." _Yes, I'm a controlled experiment_.

"What, Anastasia?"

"You let me in, but now you want to control me. My job here, my free time, my meals, my problems, even my romantic life. You tracked me and followed me to that bar. In less than two weeks you are like… like… the center of my world. That's wrong." I bit my lip. _Am I in trouble?_

He opens his eyes surprised and taps my chin so I release my lip. "It's not like that…"

"Really?"

"Don't interrupt me, Anastasia, I let you finish, I'd like the same courtesy." _Oops._

"You are an intern here, in MY Company, so it's my responsibility to provide you with useful experience and work skills; that means to maximize your employability and get you ready for the world of work. I happen to know your goals, so I'm using that information to improve your training." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "I'm worried about your eating issues…"

"I don't have eating issues." _Who does he think he is? He hasn't figured me out_.

"Anastasia!" He gives me a stern look and runs a hand through his hair. He's getting angry. Well, he can stew for all I care.

I snap. "What? I needed to stop you there, I don't have eating disorders."

He scowls. "You have bad eating habits, you skip meals. Speaking of which…" He stands up and walks over my desk. I keep staring at the door, crossed by his statement. He sits back in the chair and drops Mrs. Jones bag on my lap. _Shit, I forgot the sandwich, maybe he's right._

"Eat, Anastasia. I guess that's your breakfast." And now I feel like an errant child. "I think I made my point on this one." _Mm, Christian 1 – Ana 0_.

I scowl and start eating, I'm hungry. His lips twitch to hide his smile, _bastard_.

"Let's see, where was I? Oh yes, your 'problems'." He makes quotation marks in the air with his fingers. "Maybe it's too soon, I give you that, but I already consider you my friend. All I did was to ask about your past and the nightmares because I want to know you better. Same about your romantic life, I'm not an expert but the guy is clearly an asshole. I just gave you my opinion. I have endured your opinion about certain private aspects of my life too. I don't believe you want to control me, though." I feel my face blushing. Christian 2 – Ana 0.

He makes a pause and smirks at me. "I like to watch you eat." But I don't think that's what he's smirking about. "And it's a way to keep your smart mouth close while I'm talking."

I raise my finger to say that nothing will silence me, but he interrupts me before I even start. "Don't stop eating, and don't point at me." Well, nothing will silence me… starting tomorrow.

"Anastasia, it wounds me to know you see me that way, you see _us_ that way." Christian whispers, his voice anguished and pained. "We just run into each other again and again and again, it wasn't a setup. Every encounter might not have taken place, although they did take place, not because we looked for it, we just run into each other like it was destiny. And now I'm finding it impossible to stay away, I enjoy so much your company, you have no idea. I needed to hear your voice before going to my office, I felt so lonely after getting out of the Hospital." I set my sandwich down.

"I'm sorry Christian, but you emphasized so strongly that you need control, and that to lose control is such a huge mistake. Put yourself in my shoes." I say, for honesty's sake. "Where am I in your controlled world? Being controlled or only an inoffensive presence?"

He closes his eyes and whispers. "The second one."

"What?" _So, I was right_.

"I don't feel a direct threat from you." That's it, Christian 99 - Ana 0.

I sigh deeply and take his hand squeezing it. "Because I'm not." I feel ashamed. "I'm truly sorry. You came here looking for a friend and I wasn't one, not a good one. It won't happen again." I stand up. "I have something for you."

He arches a brow. "What is it?"

I go back to my desk chair, connect my hard drive and move three PDFs to the USB drive. I hope he takes an interest in reading them.

"Finish it." Christian points to the now half-eaten sandwich. I roll my eyes and hand him the USB drive. "I hope you enjoy at least one."

He grins widely. "I'm getting to read more than one?"

"Yes, and if you behave I'll let you read more."

He tilts his head to one side and smirks. "I always behave around you, Anastasia." My cheeks turn pink, knowing what he's talking about.

"Yeah, I know you like blondes. But I was referring to your criticism, I've heard some anecdotes."

His eyes are alight with humor as if he's enjoying some private joke. "Really?"

I lean back. "Mjm. So behave, I'm a touchy writer."

He grins. "You are?"

"Mjm. I have work to do, you know? And I have a domineering boss, so..."

He laughs and I feel a wave of satisfaction and relief inside me. He's going back to his office with a smile on his face despite my stupidity. I did that.

…

…

CPOV

"Christian, you've been staring out the window for five minutes. Are you here for the view?"

I sigh and make my way to Flynn's couch. "I did what you advised John, and now she is like an addiction. I don't think that was the objective."

"What are you talking about? The girl you met at the park?" I nod.

"So, you called her."

I shake my head. "I run into her after leaving your office last Saturday."

"Again? For the third time?" He's regarding me with surprise. _I know, what were the odds?_

"Well, what happened?" _Anastasia happened. Her smart mouth, amazing brain and sweetness happened_.

"She is… different. The way she reads every little detail around her." One by one I recount the past week events to Flynn, from the moment Ana was crying at the park. So many things in just a few days!

"This girl…"

"Anastasia." I mutter petulantly.

"Anastasia. She's obviously had a profound effect on you. How do you feel now?"

"I miss her. I want to see her, hear her voice, laugh at her jokes."

"But she asked you to wait until Sunday."

"You know I don't do waiting. I hate waiting."

"Mhm, you are an anxious person. Have you gotten a new contractual relationship, a new submissive?"

"No, after what happened with Susanne I don't feel like getting one anytime soon."

"I see. Maybe you need one. You have become dependent on her company because your interaction occurs only with this one 'friend'. You need to have her around and when she isn't, you miss her. Am I right?"

"Are you telling me that I need a new submissive?"

"No. I'm telling you that you need to interact with more than just one person. Maybe your brother or your sister."

"Not right now. They are still in shock, you know, the news."

"Then you have to do what she said." He smiles.

"What?"

" _Saudade_. I believe she gave you homework on purpose." He cocks his head to one side, smiling. I'm getting irritated.

"How do I do that?"

"You haven't lost her Christian, you just have to wait a couple of days to see her again. Read, sail, do something for her, a surprise. Recall the pleasant memories you have shared, allowing emotional feelings to happen, the _Saudade_. Focus on this: you're lucky you met her, you are even luckier because you will see her next Sunday."

"You think I'm lucky?"

"I know you're lucky, she seems to be pretty special."

"She is."

"Mm. She clearly means much more to you."

 _What the fuck._ Is that why it's painful to imagine her with another man? Because she means more? How much more?

"You knew this could happen." I snap irritated.

"It wasn't my intention when I suggested you to open up. I'm not saying that you're falling for this girl Christian. Sometimes friends are like family, you are not connected by blood or family name, but they are soul mates because of the understanding, companionship and good times we have together."

I sigh in relief, I have considered this before. So, Anastasia is like my soul mate, like a second family. We do have this strong affinity for each other. Well, I can live with this new emotion, and learn how to deal with this... this… restlessness.

…

…

APOV

It's Sunday morning and Christian should be here any minute. Waiting outside my friends' house with my small trolley suitcase gives me time to say good bye to Portland. Janet and Oscar have been so attentive, I enjoyed visiting them and participating in their monthly meeting. They always choose interesting books and make us listen to beautiful music during the time period the book is being discussed. I also presented them my last story. Their judgment can be harsh, but never malicious.

A black SUV parks in front of me. I'm excited, I have missed Christian so much. I haven't heard from him since he left my office last Thursday, just a message last night informing me that he would be here at nine. I remember I rolled my eyes at such a formal message.

Christian climbs out of the back of the car to open the door for me. _Oh, such manners_. He's smiling but I sense some tension. _Why?_ I wanted to hug him and let him know how much I have missed him, but now I'm not sure.

"Good morning, Anastasia."

 _He came to Portland just for me, so what the hell._ I put down the suitcase and walk slowly toward him, making my intention clear by raising my arms. He stills and stares at me blankly, but lets me do what I want to do. I hug him around the waist and count: _one, two, three_. Then I release him smiling. "Good morning Christian. I've missed you."

He suddenly hugs me his style, trapping my arms. I think he counted to five. "I missed you too."

It's brief, but it's enough. I climb into the backseat of the car. Taylor is sitting in the driver's seat.

"Hello, Taylor."

"Good morning, Miss Steele." His voice polite and professional.

Christian moves to the back of the car, opens the trunk and puts my suitcase inside, then climbs on the other side of the backseat, studying me. "How was everything?"

"Fine, thank you. What about you Christian?" The tension is gone, we needed the hug… hugs.

"I had a good reading." I blush embarrassed, he's talking about my short stories. I have endured enough criticism for the weekend.

 _"A good reading_ _enlightens and empowers._ " He smiles at my quotation.

I dig my car keys out of my purse. "What about my new car?"

"Taylor will drive it to the parking lot in front of your building."

"What about this car? Are you driving it to your parents' house?" He looks surprised by my question.

"I already told you, we are flying up to Seattle. This car is rented." _Oh, not a dream_.

"Helicopter?" I ask wide-eyed.

He is amused by my horror. "Yes, Anastasia. Why? Don't you trust my skills?"

I'm even more horrified. "You are flying it?"

"I've been a fully qualified pilot for three years, Anastasia, you're safe with me." He gives me a wolfish grin and winks at me.

"Am I?" I ask myself aloud. He chuckles slyly.

…

…

CPOV.

In the helicopter, Anastasia enjoys like a small child.

"Oh Christian, look… Oh my God, what a view… Christian, be careful with the birds… God, we're inside a cloud." My face hurts, I can't stop smiling.

Suddenly, she is in silence looking at me with curiosity. It's unnerving because, as usual, I have no idea what she's thinking, what she's seeing. Her eyes the same color than the sky, beautiful. _Summer sky_. "What is it, Anastasia?"

"Do you always impress women this way?"

"I've never brought a girl up here, Anastasia. Are you impressed?"

"I'm awed, Christian." She whispers.

"Awed?" My smile is spontaneous. I'm awed too, by her.

"You obviously enjoy this." She says a little later.

"What?"

"Flying."

"It requires control and concentration."

"Right, control and concentration, but you have to admit this is a lot of fun, and that you are experiencing something unique, and that up here everything is more beautiful." Mm, she is unmasking me, as usual.

"Mhm, that too."

"Who have you brought up here Christian?"

"Just Taylor, earlier."

"Just Taylor? What about your family?"

"Just Taylor, so he could drive your car back to Seattle." I laugh, recalling that moment. "He smiled, twice."

"Oh my God, Taylor smiled?" Anastasia giggles.

"Mhm, unbelievable."

"Christian, look, the city, wow. Oh my God, the Space Needle, I've never been there."

"I'll take you, we can eat there."

"No, no, too many forks and spoons for sure."

I'm laughing, she is so unexpected, I have really missed her. She's so different from any other woman I've known. "I've missed you."

"Oh Christian, I've missed you too, so much." She squeezes my forearm. She likes physical interaction, and because it's her, I don't mind.

"Where are we going to land?"

"Bellevue, near my parents' house."

She's looking at me again, quizzically. "What, Anastasia?"

"This's good for the baby, you know?"

"What baby? Ooh, right, the baby. Do you think I'm getting too fat?"

She giggles. "No, you are perfect. This's perfect. I'm flying inside a bubble through this amazing blue sky. I've dreamed about this, you know? You are my dream maker."

I'm momentarily knocked off balance by her words. _Dream maker_. I like it.

"I'm glad to hear that."

"You are a good friend, Christian. Thank you for this." Her eyes wide with heartfelt sincerity. The unfamiliar feeling surfaces, swelling in my chest. _Does she see me like I see her? Soul mate?  
_

We land smoothly and I power down, watching the rotor blades slow and come to a stop. I remove my cans, then remove Anastasia's. _Sweet Lord, she's beautiful, her eyes are beguiling._

Opening the door, I jump down onto the helipad and walk to her side. I hold out my hand to help her out of the aircraft, but when she jumps down she stumbles, tripping over her feet and falling into my arms. I pull her against me without thinking. Filled with adrenaline and this new emotion, my body responds immediately to her scent and softness, in a second my hands are in her hair and I'm tipping her head back so I can kiss her. But I stop. _What am I doing?_

And then, before I have a chance to think, she closes the distance between our mouths. Her kiss is soft and sweet and I don't want her to stop. She's intoxicating. As usual, unexpected. Reluctantly, I pull back and lean my forehead against hers. "Anastasia, what are we doing?"

Her eyes are startled, large and lost. She flushes beet red embarrassed and stares down.


	14. Christians

Chap. 14 Christians.

APOV.

"Anastasia, what are we doing?"

 _Shit, why am I this way?_ I'm staring down, not able to look at him. That kiss was…

"I don't know. Kissing?"

He snorts. "You don't say?"

I clean my throat, my cheeks burning. _Should I apologize?_ "I'm sorry?" I didn't sound convincing.

I'm ashamed, so ashamed. But he should be too, _handsome bastard_. "It's your fault too. Why did you start? I just got lost, you know that happens to me."

"What?"

Now I'm looking to his eyes, feeling a little angry. _At him, at myself? Who cares?_ "You know it, this's not the first time."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He looks truly surprised, he hasn't noticed yet.

"Good morning Mr. Grey, Miss. I'll take it from here." A gray-haired man is standing in front of us. _Crap, we had audience_.

"Thank you, Joe." Christian smiles warmly at him and grabs my hand. "Let's go Anastasia, we need to talk."

We walk through a vast area of grassland in front of an abandoned house, grasses and wildflowers have created a rural idyll, a meadow. It's lovely, utterly tranquil, and suddenly I imagine myself lying in the grass and gazing up at a clear blue summer sky. The thought is tantalizing. "Let's talk here."

"Are you sure? There is a coffee shop near here."

"Yes, I'm sure." I sit down cross-legged. Fortunately I'm wearing a long dress, my favorite, a bohemian light-blue dress that allows me do whatever I want with my legs. He's looking down at me quizzically. "What?"

"I don't know if I should say this."

"What?"

"You look like the blue flower I once imagined, must be the dress." _Holy shit_. I feel my face burning again. _And he says he's not a romantic._ I snort in my mind. _Right!_ "Sit down caterpillar and try to not eat the flower." He chuckles and sits next to me.

"I've suffered _dissociation_ since I was a child." His face shows surprise. "It's a defense mechanism my mind created after my parents' divorce, to tolerate stress. Nothing severe, it's a minor condition in my case."

"What does it mean?"

"Well, a mild detachment from immediate surroundings. It's like dreaming awake. I've learned to take advantage of it, you know, for writing."

"Planet Ana?"

"Mhm."

He smirks. "So in planet Ana, I'm kissable?" _Oh, he's teasing me_. Well, I prefer that, I don't want his pity.

"Like you don't know! You're kissable, period, it doesn't matter what planet you are on. It's me who is different, when I switch my imagination flies away." Now he's so serious. _Why?_

"So you walk around kissing guys?" _Oh my, is he jealous?_

I scowl at him. "Of course not, I told you in my case this's minor, I don't lose control."

"But you kissed me."

I clean my throat, I need water if I'm going to talk about this.

"You made me fly inside a magic bubble for God's sake, of course I lost it after that." I'm now getting irritated. But the bastard is smiling. _Double bastard_.

He leans back on the grass, arms under his head, eyes closed. "Tell Ana I enjoyed that." _What the hell?_ He peers up at me through his lashes, smirking like a mischievous boy. _Wow, a new Christian I haven't seen!_ _The charming bad boy._

"I don't have double personality disorder, you know?"

"So, it was you." I roll my eyes. "And Charlie Tango has magic power over you."

"Who?"

"My helicopter. Charlie Tango."

"Oh, you name your favorite things too?"

"What have you named?"

"My old car, Wanda. She passed away last Monday. The mechanic said I need to buy her a new engine, I can't afford that."

"Why Wanda? What a strange name."

"Wanda was the daughter of the founder of Cracow, there is a beautiful poem written in her honor. She was a warrior and a Queen."

"A woman who was a warrior. Why am I not surprised?"

I try to lie down too, but I need something under my head. My purse… too hard. My arm… uncomfortable. He's watching me while I struggle, amusement all over his face. "Do you have a problem Anastasia?" He's hiding his smile. I sigh and sit up. "I'm fine."

"Oh, come here with me, I'll lend you my arm." I hesitate, _what if I kiss him again?_ That's too intimate and I know there must be a part of me completely captivated and bewitched by him, or I wouldn't have kissed him. I won't tell him that, of course, he'd terminate this 'friendship' that instant. But the meadow is beautiful, the sun is shining down with warmth, and my heart feels light and jubilant. "Okay."

Now I'm comfortable, and I get the luxury of his scent mixed with the wild fragrance of the grass. I'm becoming as creepy as him regarding this smell thing _, dear God, help me_.

"Anastasia, do you have specific triggers that you can control?"

"What do you mean?"

"To dissociate."

"Oh, I can cause the switch, yes. Music and books. I told you, I use it as a coping mechanism to get rid of the anxiety after my nightmares. My dissociation turned out useful." I don't tell him I woke up peacefully the night he held me, no anxiety at all. Nor _his_ face haunting me at every corner, neither the paranoia of being followed.

"Music? That's interesting. Can I ask you a personal question, Anastasia?"

 _Personal? No please, no Christian Inquisition._ "Do I owe you any answer? I think we are even at this point."

He chuckles. "I'm sure you owe me at least one, you are very inquisitive, God."

"Okay." I turn to look at him. He has his eyes closed and is chewing a straw with a lazy expression, very calmed. I giggle without control.

"What is so funny?"

"Did you put that in your mouth to prevent another kiss?"

He's peering at me through his lashes again, wearing the charming bad boy expression. With his free hand, he takes the straw out of his mouth, closing his eyes. "Do you have something in mind that I should prevent Anastasia?" _Is he flirting?_

I lie on my back again. "No. What do you want to know?."

"Have you tried to switch while having sex?"

I sit up abruptly, startled by his question. The first thing that invades me is embarrassment, then pain, a soft wave of pain inside my chest that makes me sad all of a sudden. Christian sits up too and takes my hand. "I'm sorry Anastasia, it wasn't my intention to upset you."

"It's okay, just… give me one minute." I pull up a small yellow flower and admire the simple and astonishing beauty of Nature. Staring at the flower I answer his question. "Yes."

"And?" He squeezes my hand as I close my eyes.

"Nothing, I didn't elaborate any fantasy. But I couldn't choose the music so, I'm not sure."

"Why not?"

"Different tastes in music."

"He didn't let you choose?"

"No. He said my music was boring."

"Idiotic asshole."

I smile weakly without opening my eyes. "Yes. Idiotic asshole." I feign Christian's tone of voice.

"I'm sure Wanda would have thrown him into the ocean."

I giggle and open my eyes, he's smiling shyly at me. "Surely."

He tucks my loosened hair behind my ear in a very tender gesture that soothes my soul. "I'm sorry Anastasia. Please, no more assholes."

"No more assholes, at least not this one."

He smiles a triumphant smile and lies down again, offering his arm as a war trophy. "Come, let's enjoy the warmth, Bellevue is peaceful this morning."

I oblige. "You switch too, you know?"

"Do I?"

"Mhm."

"What do you mean?"

"Angry, happy, worried, angry again."

"Are called emotions, everybody have emotions, and they change, nobody feels the same all the time."

"Not in nanoseconds. You change so quickly that I can't keep up. Mercurial, you are a mercurial man." I take out my phone and look for the quote I saved. I turn around to lie on my belly and elbows. "I've been researching, listen: _The mercurial man finds it hard to enter into an emotional commitment for fear of losing control. It's not easy to capture his heart and even harder getting him to the altar._ " He's listening very attentive, I giggle and continue. " _Perfectionists creatures of habits and routines, strange obsessions with cleanliness and order. Inquisitive and smart, even charming in a subdued manner_. What do you think?"

"So, you were researching into a difficult personality?"

"Mhm. My own pet project."

He's stretched out beside me with his head resting on his elbow, his expression soft, amused. "I'm a pet project now? Science experiment maybe? Anastasia, you wound me. Have you found the cure at least?"

"I don't want to find a cure. I just want to understand you."

"And what about the altar remark?" His lips quirk upward in half a smile.

"You said you won't marry, so this's accurate."

"I won't."

"I know, and that's okay. I have given it a thought, it's fine if you don't want that sort of commitment, that's not for everybody. You don't need a wife and children to be happy, but you do need friends Christian, just don't isolate, don't be alone." He is looking at me very serious, considering what I said.

"I have you now."

"Yes, Christian, you have me. A loony girl. You can do better."

"Loony, I like that. Also a good kisser." I blush helplessly and poke him with my elbow.

"Anastasia, you wound me." He clutches his side as if in pain.

"Wimp," I mutter disapprovingly.

"Wimp?" he utters in disbelief. "I'd spank you for that if you were my submissive."

I'm in shock, I try to think of something but my mind is blank.

"I'm sorry Anastasia, that went out without thinking." I can't look at him, and I don't want, I'm staring at my phone. _Holy hell, spank me?_ Well, that anthropologist explained a lot about the lifestyle, and yes, she mentioned spanking for pleasure and also for punishment. It seems to be a common practice between them.

 _Them_. I feel like an outsider right now, BDSM is one of the things that make us different. But different isn't bad, right? _Right._ Maybe if I go deeper, I'll understand.

"For punishment or for pleasure?"

"What?"

Now I look at him. His eyes are wary. "You heard me."

"Of course I heard you. Why do you ask?" _Oh, is he irritated?_

"Curiosity."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Then stop feeding the cat's curiosity. You started."

"Punishment."

 _What? Oh._ "You punish them for making a joke?"

"No jokes. We barely interact outside the playroom."

"Maybe they want to make a joke, like I did, why do you punish someone for making a joke?"

"They know I don't like it."

"Do you know if they like it?"

"I don't care."

"That's unfair."

"I don't care."

"You should care. They are persons too."

"Anastasia, why are you defying me?"

"I'm not defying you, I have an opinion, deal with it."

"I'm not sure I appreciate your tone, Anastasia."

"Well, don't then."

I'm irritated too, but he smiles and lies down on the grass, covering his face with both hands. "Dear God Anastasia, I can't believe I've missed that smart mouth." Then he turns and propped up on one elbow.

"Take into account that usually they want the same than me."

"But why the punishment?"

"It's all part of the incentive package. Both reward and punishment. I have rules, and I want my submissives to comply with them. They are for their benefit and for my pleasure. If they follow these rules to my satisfaction, I shall reward them. If they don't, I shall punish them, and they will learn."

Wow, I think I'm starting to understand. "So you get your kicks by exerting your will over them, and they by letting you do it."

"Mhm, it's a very simple equation." _Oh my_. That's a whole new world, running parallel to the one I know. "And now I have four more questions."

"Oh, please not right now Christian. Let me enjoy the sun for a while. Your questions are deep and personal."

"Like yours."

"Please."

"Okay, I'll set the alarm on my phone, you have twenty minutes and then we will go to my parents' house, they live three blocks from here."

I rest my head on his arm and close my eyes. The warmth from the sun and his scent float me off my consciousness into a calmed peace.

…

The alarm startled me out of my peaceful sleep. I can't move. I open my eyes and realize that his arm is around my waist, holding me close. My head is on his shoulder and his face is buried in my hair. My palm lies flat over his heart, as he has placed his hand over mine; I can feel the steady rhythm and the warmth of his skin beneath the thin fabric of his shirt. Well, this's awkward, but maybe I still have the chance of disentangling myself from his embrace before he wakes up.

I start moving my hand very slowly, but he presses his hand over mine. "No, don't." _Shit, he's awake, what now?_ I was asleep, he can't blame me. Today I have crossed every single line, what's wrong with me? Why is my subconscious drawn to this man? We stay like this until the song of the alarm ends and starts again, slowly he releases my hand and turns it off, resting his hand once again over mine.

I gather enough strength to look at him. His eyes are wide and full of something I can't identify. Is that fear, astonishment, disbelief? Then it hits me. _He can't be touched, his chest and his back, he can't be touched and I'm touching him_.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"It won't happen again."

"That's the problem."

I sigh. _Well, this ends here_ , I'm going to miss him, really miss him.

"That's the problem Anastasia, I don't want you to stop doing it." _Oh._

"What do you mean?"

"You can touch me, Anastasia. Why? I have no idea. But you are the first person that can touch me like this since I have memory. That confuses me. That I like it confuses me."

"Oh my God Christian, I can touch you? Just like that?"

"You did it ten minutes ago; the pain was excruciating for a couple of seconds, and then subsided when I grabbed your hand."

"Do you know what that means?"

"No. Do you?"

"No. Maybe… maybe… That I have a place in your heart? That I've become your friend? That I've tamed you and your fobia, like the rose did with the little princess, and the little princess did with the fox?"

"My mother can't touch me, Anastasia."

"Oh."

He caresses my cheek gently. "You are so special; everything around you comes to life, even me." I shudder, this is too much. _Romantic Christian is here again_.

"That's so beautiful, can I borrow it for one of my romantic stories?"

He chuckles, he got the hint and I managed to break the spell. Jeez, I was about to kiss him again. If a man tells you that you just have two options, run away or kiss the goddamned bastard.

"No, Anastasia. Use your own lines."

I have to smile. "Do you think I cured you?"

"Don't know, don't think so. Let's go."

We stand up and he takes my hand, clasping it with his long fingers. He leads the way, but suddenly I can't walk, I can't move, I can't understand this. He's holding my hand and I'm not indifferent, I feel giddy and I tingle all over. I feel a current running through me, and my heartbeat accelerates. I haven't felt this since high school, since _him_.

 _Oh shit, I'm falling for Christian. Shit, shit, shit_. I promised him I wouldn't. I need to do Kate's maneuver or I'll collapse, inhale deeply… exhale it all… inhale deeply…

"What is it Anastasia? Why did you stop? Are you alright?"

"We have a problem Christian." I can see the worry all over his face and I don't have the stomach to tell him. _Coward_. Oh, there you are inner witch, annoying cricket, you took vacations, don't you? _Coward_. Shit, now I have an internal conflict punishing me, again. I'm just being polite, he invited me to his parents' house, right? _Coward_.

"Nothing, too much sun maybe."

"You look lovely, Anastasia. It's good to see some color in your cheeks… and not from blushing." He caresses my cheek and I shudder. I'm falling into an abyss in slow motion. _Oh shit, can this be worse?_

He leads the way again, holding my hand, and I just embrace the painfully re-acquaintance with this old emotion. _Why him?_ Why this detached man who only have submissives that can't even make a joke, for God's sake? I didn't see this coming, I'm not ready to let him go and I'd break his heart if I do it, I'm his only friend. Well, also that troll bitch, but I know she is not a real friend, she's a parasite sucking Christian's spirit. I hate her so much all of a sudden, I'm not a hater but I want to bury her alive. _Jeez, homicidal Ana is kind of drastic_.

We're confronted by two ornate white metal gates set in a six-foot-high, sandstone wall. Christian punches a number into the keypad and the gates swing open in welcome.

"Okay, are you ready?"

 _No, I'm not_. "What for Christian?"

"Meet my parents." _Oh, that._

"I think I already met them."

"Right, yes, I forgot. Then it will be easier."

Mrs. Grey is on the doorstep waiting for us with a smile; behind her stands Mr. Grey, as handsome in his own way as Christian, and as serious as the first time I saw him.

"Anastasia, you've met my mother, Grace, and my dad, Carrick."

"Mrs. Grey, Mr. Grey, what a pleasure to see you again." I smile and shake their outstretched hands.

Mr. Grey smiles back. "The pleasure is all mine, Anastasia."

"Please, call me Ana."

His blue eyes change to soft and gentle.

"Ana, how lovely to see you again." Mrs. Grey wraps me in a warm hug. _Wow_ , _they are being so nice_. "Hello, darling." She kisses Christian on both cheeks. He smiles down at her and then shakes hands with his father. "You are here early. Mia and Elliot are still on their way."

"I know, I'm going to show Anastasia the backyard before lunch if you don't mind."

"Of course no, dear, go and enjoy the view with Ana. And Christian, since you bring someone, maybe you can join us this afternoon to play _Do you know me well?_ "

"We'll see Mom."

She waves us away with a smile.

We enter into a gray flagstone patio area, then up some steps and onto a vast lawn that leads down to the bay. _This's amazingly amazing_. The sun makes the surface of the sea sparkle and glow with life, while the salty scent of the sea fills my nostrils. There is a jetty, and beside the jetty stands a boathouse. It is so picturesque, so peaceful. I stand and gape for a moment.

I feel his breathing at my ear. "Beautiful, isn't it?" My heart is pounding, trying to leave my chest as I imagine myself here, being happy with Christian, being hugged by Christian, being...

"Anastasia… Anastasia?"

"Yes, beautiful." And I'm afraid of myself, I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. I know I'll lose it any minute because if there is something that beats a magic bubble, that's the sea. I shake my head and avoid his eyes, walking toward the boathouse. I'll focus on the details of the structure, that'll help.

"Do you want to see my trophies?"

"Trophies?" _Oh, the skeletons are not inside his closets, are in the boathouse_.

"My rowing trophies."

"Yes, of course."

He grabs my hand, _shit_ , and takes me into the boathouse, dragging me up some wooden stairs to the room above. The furnishings are sparse, just a couple of couches and a small table. Next to the window there is a chest of drawers where his trophies are placed. I walk over there and examine them. _Mm, Christian the sports champion_.

"Anastasia, let's sit." We sit on the couch and I stare at my hands. I'm embarrassed for what I'm feeling. This won't work, once he looks through the _'window to my soul'_ he'll notice.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, it's the sea. It has that effect on me."

"You switch?"

"Mhm, the smell, the color, I don't know." _Phew, that will be enough to conceal this, and I'm not lying_.

"Do you want to do what my mother suggested?"

"What? The game?"

"Mhm."

"Oh yes, Christian. Please, we have a child to feed, so he grows up healthy." This will be my legacy to him.

He smiles. "Do you know this game?"

"No."

"I've seen them playing it. You write down ten pairs of words, one of the words of each pair is yours, the other one is what you think your partner will associate with your word. Then you read your word and your partner has to say the first thing that comes to mind, if the answer from your partner coincides with your guess, you have a point."

"I like it. I understand the name of the game now, so the couple that knows each other better wins."

"Exactly."

"Oh, your parents will win for sure."

"They always do, it's kind of annoying but they like to play it."

"So, who starts?"

"I do. Do you think you know me well Anastasia?"

"That's more than one word."

He laughs. "I haven't started yet."

"Oh, I don't know Christian, we'll find out."

"Okay. Let's see. Mm, maybe…"

"Christian, stop talking while thinking, I'm getting confused. We'll take turns, one you, one me. Don't think the answer, just say the first thing that comes to your mind. I start."

He chuckles. "Okay."

I take a deep breath."Window"

"Stars... Telescope"

"Constellations... Butterfly."

"Caterpillar... Flower."

"Rare… Polaris."

"North… Fear."

"Cutlery." He smiles and I continue. "Music."

"Sex." _Oh my._ "Dissociated." _What?_

"Mercurial... Creepy."

He chuckles. "Loony… Nightmare."

"Hug." Now he's serious, but that's what came into my mind. "Friend."

He grabs my hand. "Soul mate." _Oh God_. "Blue."

"Gray." I'm lost already but manage to continue. "Charlie."

"Wanda… Christian." _Oh, a test_.

"Home." I squeeze his hand. "Anastasia."

He grabs my face with both hands, holding me firmly and answers. "Family." I grab his face the same way he's holding mine and get lost, floating aimlessly on a gray sea. I bite my lip and hear his breath hitch. He caresses my lower lip, freeing it with his thumb. "Lip."

Gathering some strength, I caress his lower lip too, mirroring his actions. My voice gets husky and breathy. "Bite." He's staring into my eyes and I hold his burning, darkening gaze, but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. The word is out of me without thinking. "Kiss."

His lips get dangerously close. "Yes."

I close my eyes and feel him sucking at my lower lip, tugging it with his teeth. It's only just not painful and a strange noise comes out from inside me, from a place I'm not acquainted with. I feel his smile against my lips and then I mirror his actions, biting his upper lip. I tug gently and he groans, then starts kissing me, really kissing me, I have never been kissed like this, with so much hunger and at the same time, so much tenderness. I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening. He takes full advantage and then I evaporate around him, I don't know what I'm doing or what he's doing to me, I'm just feeling, inhaling, touching, embracing every sensation, all my body waking up from a long sleep.

Oblivious to the time I just follow Christian's ardor. He's leading the way up with confidence and patience, with passion and sensuality. Suddenly his voice makes me realize that I'm stuck, trapped by my angst. "Come on Anastasia, let it go, you can do it sweet girl." My mind is far up in the sky, but I'm afraid to jump, I'm afraid of the unknown. Being here is pure ecstasy, but at the same time is becoming painful, my body is craving release. The fear has invaded my mind.

Grabbing my face he kisses me fervently, letting me breathless, filling my mind again with pleasure and desire. He places feather-light kisses across my neck to my ear and whispers very softly. "Anastasia, you are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. You smell so good, your hair is so silky, your skin is so soft, you drive me wild Anastasia. You are a siren, a goddess." His words play the trick and the fear goes back down to its former place as a seed. "Look at me." I blink my eyes open and he stares at me, I'm lost again in a gray sea. "You. Are. Perfect. I. Want. You. So. Much. You. Are. Free. Let it go Anastasia, I need it." _Me too, Christian_. And I cannot hold back, there is no fear anymore, no strings anymore. I fist my hands into his hair and start moving until my body convulses and my mind comes down from the sky, my senses shattering into thousand colorful pieces. The release gets out of me taking the form of a cry that makes everything real and true.

Spasms of pleasure go up and down my body while I feel Christian freezing, shouting his release through clenched teeth and holding me close to him. "Anastasia!"

We are panting, waiting for our breathing to slow, our foreheads pressed together. Gradually, reality comes back to me. We are on the couch, I'm sitting astride Christian, both half dressed, half naked and I feel self-conscious all of a sudden. I do up the buttons on my dress feeling my cheeks burning. _What was that? What just happened?_ I stare at the fabric of the couch, unable to say anything, to look at him.

He realizes and starts stroking my hair tenderly, then whispers in my ear. "I think we are even, Anastasia. You can touch me, and I can make you come." I stand up abruptly and walk toward the window, straightening my dress. _Oh dear, where are my panties?_

I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, he's removing a condom. _Well, at least he got protection_. But even though that fact gives me relief, also makes me sad. He had this in mind, to bring me up here and fuck me on that couch. I stare out of the window. "You were prepared."

In a second he's behind me, clasping me around my waist, his front on my back. I gasp in surprise.

He kisses my hair. "Elliot always has condoms under the cushions of the couch. This wasn't premeditated, Anastasia." I don't know what to say and I don't know how to feel. I'm confused, ashamed, but I know I shouldn't. So much time waiting for this to happen, and all I can feel now is emptiness and sadness.

I don't want to be a one-night girl for the man I'm falling for, that's why I'm feeling this way. Christian doesn't have girlfriends, doesn't pursue love, he's been honest with me since day one. The realization of this truth makes me feel slightly better. At least now I understand why. I need to think and digest the enormity of what just happened.

I make my way to the door after picking up my purse and panties from the floor. "I need to be alone."

But Christian blocks the door. "No, we need to talk."

I look at him dispassionately; after feeling so much, now I feel nothing. "What is there to be said? We got carried away, we enjoyed it, at least I did and you know what that means to me, now we continue our own opposite ways. Don't worry Christian, I don't like drama, well, at least not in real life."

"Please Anastasia, don't be obtuse. Let's talk. I'm afraid I won't see you again if you cross this door right now." _Shit, and now I feel guilty_.

"Okay, but another –you can touch me and I can make you come- and I'm out of here. If I need an orgasm I can call that surrogate, or buy one in a sex-shop. You know what I mean, I'm not a needy girl you have to help."

He's looking intently at me. "Let's sit Anastasia. I don't know why you are on the defensive."

We sit, on the other couch, facing each other. He surprised me with that comment, but he's right. I need to calm down.

He reaches over and clasps my hand. _Oh no, skin against skin_.

"This is the first time in my entire life that I have sex outside a BDSM scene, I'm as confused as you are. But I can't analyze this because I'm just so afraid you'll freak out and disappear; your reaction tells me that. I need you Anastasia, I need you in my life. I'm sorry if I made a mistake, I just wanted you so badly, I couldn't help it."

 _Oh God, I couldn't help it either._ This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he is lost, exactly like me.

"Christian, I just wanted to sit on the shore. All that's happened… it's overwhelming. I just need some time to think, some time to myself. And I need a bathroom, I mean, look at me, I'm in your parents' home for God's sake."

"You look fine." I drag my fingers through my hair and tie it in a ponytail. He sighs, "more than fine."

"Christian, let's just ignore what happened while we are here, we can discuss this later. And please, let's not play that game in front of your family, I'm not fond of public display." He smiles, I think relieved, and tucks one of the escaped tendrils of my hair behind my ear. _Oh shit, why is he so sweet?_

"Come, I'll take you to the bathroom." He stands up and holds his hand out to me, but now I'm hesitant to take it. _Why am I resisting what I want so badly?_ I stash my panties in my purse with as much dignity as I can, if that's even possible, and stand up taking his hand.

"Okay, after all, _the path is made as one walks_."

"What?"

"Nothing, just one of my favorite poems.

 _Walker, there's no path to follow,_

 _the path is made as one walks._ "

"We are just two walkers Christian, and we don't have a path traced ahead, while moving forward we'll make mistakes... Is this a mistake?... I don't know, and I won't know if I don't keep moving. I don't know what just happened, but I know that there is no script in life, and it doesn't matter how hard you try to control everything, eventually shit happens, eventually wonder happens."

He tugs my hand, hauling me to him and hugging me. "Anastasia, if there are only two choices, I'd say you are wonder happening." _So sweet and romantic_. This time I'm not trapped, so I can hug him back, putting my arms around his waist like I did in Portland. "Thank you Christian, you too." I rest my head on his chest, his scent surrounds me and makes me dizzy, his body heat envelops me, head to toe. I look up and his lips descend to mine. As much as I try I can't resist this man, I don't want to resist this man. I eagerly reciprocate, our hunger for each other greater than before. And we are all hands, and mouths and noses, touching, kissing, smelling _. Jesus, what are we, animals in estrus?_

I break the kiss and start pacing nervously around the room, I can't believe I went from one extreme to another, from not libido at all to horny as an uncontrolled teenager. I need a session with Dr. Greene.

He grabs my hand and leads me to the door. "Let's get out of here, or I will fuck you again." I practically convulse. _Romantic Christian was brutally murdered by domineering Christian_. Jeez, I think I'm falling for both of them.

...

...

...

...

-"Walker, there is no path..." (Proverbs and Songs.) Antonio Machado. Spain, 1912.


	15. Bonding

Chap. 15 Bonding.

APOV

Getting out of the guest house bathroom I feel more centered, more in tune with the present, less anxious about the past or the future. _Yes, with my panties on I can think better. Mm, panties=brain._ Whatever is going on needs time to evolve, to settle down, this's not a good moment to reach to any conclusion. And who am I lying to? That was amazing, Christian was tender and loving, like if he knew exactly what I needed. _Fuck you José, you are the bad fuck_. It feels good to tell him in my head where to go.

Christian is leaning against a wall, staring at the sea, pensive. He said he's confused too, the first time he had sex out of a BDSM scene. What is that supposed to mean? What about high school or College? Does that mean he's as " _virgin"_ as I'm regarding this? Is he on a journey of discovery with me? I hope so, I like the idea of us discovering emotions together…

"Anastasia"

Sailing on a sea of new feelings outside time and space. Our hands entwined…

"Anastasia."

"Oh, I'm sorry." This is happening to me too often today, I need to focus.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Nothing, some corny narrative, the sea, sailing… you know."

"No escaping?"

I give him a reassuring smile. "No, no escaping. I can't do that to your family."

"What about me?"

I sigh deeply and get lost inside the gray of his eyes. "I won't lie to you Christian, you have always asked for honesty. The truth is I don't feel comfortable, sorry, I just don't know what will happen with us now and I hate the incertitude. We made a vow one week ago, remember? No second thoughts. We haven't respected that and it doesn't matter what we do now, that'll have consequences."

He presses his forehead against mine closing his eyes. "I know, I know. I'm sorry if I made a mistake…"

"I'm not sure _that_ was a mistake. _That_ is what we wanted at the moment, so…" I shrug my shoulders. "It's the second time you've said you made a mistake. If _that_ was a mistake, we made it together."

Opening his eyes, he shows me his fear. "I've come alive since I met you, Anastasia. I don't want to lose you, if I lose you then it was a mistake." He's still in shock because I wanted to leave some minutes ago.

Now I understand all those novels I read where love means conflict and sadness, in consequence of the protagonists belonging to separated worlds. But in every single one of my stories, the ones I wrote, the heroine fights for what she wants, and I want this man, this man that doesn't want to lose me. However, to fight for something doesn't necessarily mean you will end up with it.

Suddenly, inside my head I see all of them looking at me disapprovingly; all my brave female characters shaking their heads –Are you a hypocritical Ana? Hiding behind us? You won't fight because you don't know how it will end? Shame on you.- Oh my God, my inner Judge brought the cavalry. _Come on Ana, show this man what a real woman is, not an inflatable doll chained to some strange cross; no touching, no joking, just yes sir, no sir_. And then, realization hits me, that bitch troll dragged him into BDSM when he was a minor, he didn't choose for himself, he needs to choose for himself.

I put my arms around his neck and bite his earlobe, he stills. I whisper as seductively as I can, even though I have zero experience in seduction. "Christian, you know what you don't want. But, what do you want? Do you want me? Would you like to make more mistakes? With me?"

He presses me against the wall and inhales deeply my scent. "What are you doing Anastasia? You are playing with fire."

I run my fingers through his hair, tug gently and he groans. "No Christian, it was you who ignited me, you are the one playing with fire, what are we going to do about that? I guess you have a responsibility now." I bite his earlobe again, tugging at it.

His nose skims past my ear down my neck, and then back to my ear; he grabs my hair holding my head immobile. My body resonates, desire running through my veins. I welcome the feeling of my recovered lust, it was locked up too much time and now is starving.

I can feel his smile against me. "Really? Well, I'm known for being a responsible man. I think we need to put that fire out." In a blink he lifts me and we are inside the bathroom. I hear him locking the door. He kisses me and I kiss him back, biting his lip, inviting him to bite mine like we did before. He stops breathing and then accepts my invitation, it's exquisite, biting and being bitten at the same time. And here it's again, the hunger, the fever, we can't contain ourselves, hands, mouths, noses, desire.

Releasing me, he suddenly drops to his knees and gets under my dress. _What is he doing? Shit._ "Christian, what are you… oh God… what… oh… Christian stop… no, no, don't stop." I hear him chuckling, _bastard_ , _delicious bastard, oh yes, right there_. _Oh dear, I lost my panties again, there goes my brain_. "Christian, shit… you can't… oh." My breathing changes, becoming shallow.

"Stay still." His command resonates in my brain turning me on, even more. I like his voice when he gets domineering. _More please_.

"What?"

"Stay still." _Oh, one more time._

"What did you say?"

"Don't move." I'm combusting inside every time he gives me an order. "Christian… God… I'm… ah..." And then again, I jump, willingly this time, owning my body, owning my pleasure and embracing the cry that summarizes the moment.

 _Wow… that was… wow_. I am still panting, trying to slow my breathing, my thumping heart. Christian emerges, stands and gazes down at me, his lips glistening with the evidence of my arousal. _Holy cow._ He's smiling his charming bad boy smile and gets dangerously close to kiss me.

"No, wash your face first." I giggle when he doesn't obey.

"Why Anastasia? You are delicious." He's really enjoying himself, and his good humor is infectious.

"No." I try to suppress my laugh, failing miserably.

"Oh yes."

And he kisses me, it's a sweet kiss this time so I can taste his lips. This feels so wrong and so right at the same time. It's so intimate and I completely surrender, sucking his lips. _Mm, salty_. He bites my lower lip and I bite his upper lip. This's like _our thing_ , I love that we already have something that is _ours_ in an intimate way.

"Look what I have here." _Crap, my brain… I mean, my panties_. Not taking his eyes off mine, he scrunches my panties in his hand, holds them up to his nose, and inhales deeply. _Holy shit. Did he just do that?_ I feel my face blushing and he chuckles. I know he enjoys making me blush. _Bastard, you will see now._

"You can keep them." _What the hell am I doing?_

He smiles. "Are you sure Anastasia?"

 _NO_. "Yes." _This is going to backfire at some point_.

"Well, thank you… You are unexpected, as usual." He grins wickedly at me and tucks them into the pocket of his jeans. He pulls me into his embrace and kisses my forehead inhaling deeply.

"Creepy."

He smiles and caresses my cheek. "Loony." I smile back wrapping my arms around his waist, and we stay like this, smiling foolishly at each other for a long moment.

"We need to get going Anastasia, or my parents will worry."

 _Right, his parents_. He takes my hand, clasping it with his long cool fingers. I feel the current running through me, it doesn't make me heavy-hearted anymore, I squeeze his hand and he turns his head toward me a second to send me a wink.

"Christian, please, let's wash our faces first."

…

…

CPOV

In the living room, Anastasia is sat next to me, her unease plain to be seen. She looks nervously around, fidgeting. It's curious that she looks like a submissive, all flustered and meek, but she doesn't have a drop of submission in her blood, always unexpected, always topping from the bottom. I smile recollecting what happened in the bathroom, she is so unique, makes everything so special. _Mm, and she owes me_.

I'm itching to touch her… again, so I grab her hand. She looks at me surprised by my gesture of affection in front of my parents, my mother looks at me surprised too. _I don't care._ I feel better now that I have a part of her between my fingers, her warm and soft hand. I need more anyway, so I settle for her hand.

Elliot is being an idiot, as usual. He and Kavanagh are cuddling on one of the sofas, and with his jokes about whips and handcuffs is making all of us uncomfortable, _fucking idiot_. I'm about to leave but Anastasia squeezes my hand reassuringly and whispers in my ear. "Don't listen to him, remember what you have in your pocket." And I smile, transported again to our naughtiness in the bathroom.

"Elliot, how do you feel? Is your head still hurting?" Anastasia surprises me and Elliot all of a sudden. _Mm, Anastasia bites_. _Well, that I know, and it's delicious_. Shit, she got both of us in two seconds, I'm turned on and Elliot is sinking on the sofa.

"What happened to your head, Elliot?" Mom is worried, so she won't drop it for a long while. Anastasia squeezes my hand again and whispers "I haven't finished with him yet." _Sweet lord, this woman is dangerous, good that she's on my side._ And I feel accompanied, like in that meeting when she was defending me against the writer of that article. She always erases the feeling of loneliness that usually chastises me; since that day at the park I'm not alone anymore.

And I look at her, really look at her, amusement on her face enjoying the show of my mother interrogating Elliot, beautiful and funny, but decidedly sexy.

We gaze at each other and the air almost crackles between us. _Fuck. Can you feel this, Anastasia? This tension. This attraction._ My breathing shallows as I watch her pupils dilate, she wants more, she's insatiable now that she's recovered her libido.

I raise my head, my father is observing me, it's unnerving. He winks at me in complicity and I think this's the first time in my life that I feel like a teenager, getting caught by my parents while ogling a girl. _Jesus, what is she doing to me?_ I can't even remember what _self-control_ means anymore. And my father, what's wrong with him? He is always so poised, so serious.

Abruptly we hear high heels clattering through the hall, we all turn our heads in that direction. "That would be Mia, my little sister." I whisper to Anastasia.

"I already met her, at the park."

Right. And then I realize I don't know Anastasia's family, I'd like to meet them.

Mia steps in and walks toward Anastasia. "Anastasia, how nice to see you again." She wraps her in a big hug, and after that proceeds to greet the rest of the family. Then she sits next to Anastasia. "He's never brought a girl home before, I'm so happy you are here. Please come to visit us more often, we miss him."

"Mia, calm down." Mom chides.

 _Yes, for fuck's sake, Mia. Stop making such a scene_.

But Anastasia smiles warmly at me and then at her. "Of course Mia, I already told him, to have a family that appreciates you is a valuable treasure." Mia hugs her and whispers in her ear looking at me, "thank you." I'm utterly surprised, she has already won Mia, neutralized Elliot and had my father winking mischievously. _What the fuck is going on? So, it's not just me._

During lunch we have our hands under the table, she's tracing some pattern in my palm with her index finger, it's so sweet and intimate at the same time. But I need something more daring, so placing my hand on Anastasia's knee I squeeze her thigh. I want to touch her, stroke her where her panties should be. A moan escapes from her mouth and my mother looks at her. "Are you alright Ana?"

"Yes Mrs. Grey, these scallops are amazing, I'm sorry, I've never tried something like this before!" My mother is beaming at her. "Call me Grace. I am usually Dr. Trevelyan, and Mrs. Grey is my mother-in-law." She winks at Anastasia. _What? My mother too?_ Anastasia the magician in action.

I take my wine and while sipping it Anastasia squeezes my thigh strongly, near my groin. It's so unexpected that I choke on my wine.

"Christian, God. Are you okay? Oh, your mother's tablecloth!" She releases my thigh and starts cleaning the wine, then caresses my neck gently. Mia shoots us a look of approval at our public display of affection.

"Don't worry Ana, the tablecloth can be washed later." _Really? Seriously? The fucking tablecloth? Mm, so Anastasia is vindictive, interesting._

Everybody is back to eating and I see Anastasia getting close to my ear. "Christian, come here." _Dear God, what now?_ "Look at me and then look at Elliot, do that a couple of times and then smile at me. Now, go." I look at Elliot, he's observing us suspiciously. I do as Anastasia told me and Elliot squirms.

Anastasia gets close to my ear again. "Now, while I'm talking look at him, imagine him with red lipstick on, harlot red. Elliot the travesty, he needs to get out of the closet, seriously." I chuckle, I can't stop, that image is so unexpected and funny. Elliot is fuming.

"You two, what are you whispering there, what's the joke." We continue eating normally; Mom gives Elliot a stern look. Ten minutes later Anastasia comes close again. "Christian again, this time he's telling you he's in love with Taylor." I chuckle again, dear God, poor Taylor, I hope he never finds out.

"Hey, what is your problem? Are you laughing at me? What is so funny?" Elliot fell into Anastasia's trap. Everybody is looking at him now.

"What is it Elliot?"

"Dad, they are laughing at me."

"Christian is that true?"

Anastasia squeezes my hand. "Mr. Grey, no, we were just remembering something that happened at the office last week with Mrs. McGrath and red lipstick. That was seriously funny. I'm sorry if Elliot misunderstood us."

I chuckle again. _Mrs. MacGrath!_ The stupid woman that was at the meeting. Anastasia is definitively vindictive. And I can't stop looking at her again, the warm feeling growing in my chest. She winks at me and my shit-eating grin is on my face, I can't control it, I don't want either. Then I realize my mother is looking at us astonished. _Yes Mom, I think she's turned my world upside down_.


	16. Here for you

Chap. 16 Here for you.

CPOV

"Grace. Do you mind if I go out for a while? You have a beautiful place here, there's nothing like this where I live."

"Please, Ana, go and enjoy."

My mother and I are surprised by Anastasia's request. She wants time on her own and I should let her be, but eventually I grow impatient so I go out to look for her. Without Anastasia I just want to leave, I'm not a family man. After wandering around for a while I find her, she is sat next to the boathouse, on the shore, with the sight lost on the horizon.

I sit next to her. Her eyelashes flutter as she comes back from wherever she's been.

"Hi, Christian."

"Is everything okay, Anastasia?"

"Yes. You are very lucky, growing up in a place like this, surrounded by a family that loves you." _Lucky is not exactly the word I'd use_.

"Well, I think they are better now, without me."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's say I'm an angry person, when I was younger it was difficult for them to deal with me."

"Mhm, is that why your mother is surprised to see you smiling?" Anastasia turns to look at me. "I know I have that effect on you, Christian. I've always suspected that you don't smile enough, that you don't hug enough."

I pass my arm over her shoulders, mostly because I need to feel her. "I like it when you hug me, you're always careful. I don't like when they do it even though they are my family, with the exception of Mia."

"That's weird Christian, I do try to respect your limits but you barely know me. Why Mia?"

"I have a special bond with Mia, she triggered my acceptance of this new life. It was just after her arrival when she was a baby, that I started speaking again." Why am I telling her this, is a mystery. The truth is that by sharing it with her, my troubled soul gets some comfort and I feel less lonely. _Was I better before Anastasia, before sharing? I guess it's too late to find out._

"You stopped speaking when you were adopted?"

"For nearly two years."

"Why were you adopted? Did your birth mother lose the custody because she was a drug addict?"

"No, she died of an overdose and I didn't have any relatives."

Her sight is lost on the horizon again. She absorbs these new pieces of information about my childhood in silence and I'm thankful for that. It's one of the reasons I surrender to this necessity of telling her, she never shows pity.

"What did you do to Elliot?" I'm curious about the psychological setup she orchestrated against my brother.

She chuckles. "Your brother is very immature for a man of his age. I've never done something like that before, but he was pretty easy. Teenagers' strategies, I remember some girls doing it when I was in high school. He's just jealous Christian, your parents give you too much attention because you never come to visit them. And you brought someone with you, which is quite the novelty for everybody." _Mm, teenagers' strategies_. Well, actually Anastasia is young, she's only 22.

Then she looks at me. "He won't bother you for the rest of the day, he's sulking because thinks we laughed at him. But he kind of deserved it, he was rude."

"What about your friend? Is she sulking too?"

"Actually, she was the one who gave me the idea." She is smiling at a secret thought.

She seems more calmed now, whatever she did here was good for her. Anastasia passes her arm around my waist and gets more comfortable under my arm.

"Christian."

"Mhm."

"You didn't say anything about my stories. I can handle your opinion."

I kiss her silky hair. "I enjoyed them Anastasia, a lot. The one about the nurse is kind of dark, though, I can't imagine that coming out of your sweet brain."

"That's more my style."

So, that's how she manages the darkness of her memories. After facing unbelievable adversity, she channels it into something incredibly positive. It's like me and my Company. _Shit, my Company, I should at least check my e-mails_. But I don't want to be apart from her.

"Can I work here, next to you? I won't bother you, I promise."

She giggles. "Phenylethylamine."

"What?"

"Phenylethylamine and dopamine. When you spend too much time with one person your body produces those substances and you feel better than usual. If the person leaves, your body stops producing it and you miss him or her, so you try to be around as much as you can. Like an addiction." _I knew it, I'm addicted to her_.

"You did a lot of research the past two days, Anastasia."

"Yes, I told you I read a lot. You too."

"How do you know?"

"Every time you ask for a draft, you send the material we should use. It's obvious to me that you had read everything first, actually, you just send a selection of what you read. And every time, there are different articles or chapters from books. You read a lot too."

I'm always amazed by the way this woman's brain works. She has a very particular deductive reasoning.

Reluctantly, I take my arm off her shoulders and get my phone out of my pocket. Anastasia rests her head on my shoulder and I embrace the peace that always accompanies this position. I'd freeze the time right now to feel nothing but this peace. No angriness, no rage, no anguish. Yes, she's my dream maker too. I remember when I hoped to be this calmed, my mind clear like the sky was the morning I met her. _The question is, for how long? Eventually, she will move on_. I kiss her hair hoping against hope that she won't.

…

"Christian, Ana, Mom is asking for you, we will start in three minutes. Is already five o'clock and she has a meeting in one hour."

"What will start in three minutes, Mia?"

"We are going to play, please join us."

I make a gesture to Mia dismissing her. "We'll be there in three minutes." She rolls her eyes and leaves. I need one more minute with my sweet girl.

"What do you think Anastasia? Should we play with them that game?" And I smile recollecting the past events.

"I won't play that strip game, Christian, at least not in front of your family."

 _What?_ "Strip game?"

"Well, I ended up half naked."

I laugh, she's right, and suddenly I have an overwhelming need to see her, all of her, not just half of her. But now is not the moment for that, a kiss, I will settle for a kiss.

"Look at me, Anastasia." She obeys quickly, surprised by my command, her eyes wide open.

Let's see if she can be obedient. "Kiss me." She colors a delicious rose. I pull her hair tie, freeing her hair. It tumbles lush and chestnut around her face. _Beautiful_.

Anastasia narrows her eyes and unexpectedly kneels between my legs, sitting back on her heels, her hands flat on her tights. She doesn't know what that position means to me, I have a woman in front of me in the submissive position being… just her. This's a novelty, this's what Anastasia does to me, disarming me at every step.

"No."

"What? Why not? Kiss me, Anastasia." I try to be more authoritative.

"No." She giggles and I know she is being playful.

"Come on Anastasia, please, one kiss." And here I am, begging to a woman knelt in front of me. The dominant inside me losing all trace of dignity. She leans forward and whispers in my ear. "I won't give you one kiss, no, I'll give you six." She bites my earlobe, she likes doing that, a wholly unexpected thrill unfurls inside me.

She kisses one cheek and starts counting.

"One."

Then the other cheek.

"Two." I feel my insides melting.

The tip of my nose. "Three."

Now my lips, softly, just brushing them. _Damn, that feels good_.

"Four."

Then she teases my lower lip with her teeth. She tugs hard and the sound of my groan breaks the spell she's cast. I feel her smile and she kisses me pressing her lips against mine. Her scent surrounds me and the unfamiliar feeling surfaces, swelling in my chest, unnamed and dangerous.

"Five."

My eyes lock with Anastasia's. They are the color of a summer sky and just as warm. Good Lord, I could bask in her warmth all day, every day. _Fuck, I need to stop this_. But I can't, I just can't.

She leans again, placing her arms around my neck, her fingers tangled in my hair. This time, she kisses me deeply, exploring my mouth, giving herself to me, showing me her hunger for me. I wrap my arms around her, kissing her back. And in that moment I know that her absence, when it comes, will be hard to take; that her leaving will be so painful that I'll die inside, my life will be dark and boring and meaningless.

"Six."

"What the hell are you doing to me?" I'm breathless and confused, afraid of what is growing inside me. I try to rationalize my feelings for her but I fail, I don't understand this.

Her brow creases as she studies me, baffled.

"Christian, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

I run my hand through my hair in frustration. "You just surprised me, that's all. Let's go, my family is waiting for us."

"No. We need to talk." My words from our moment in the boathouse echo in her soft voice.

"Anastasia, what we need is to get going." _Anastasia, let it go. For fuck's sake._

"No." Her face set with the stubborn determination that I've come to know so well. "Christian, what is it? You didn't like my kiss?" _Shit, she looks hurt._ I don't want her to leave me, but I'm the one rejecting her. I need to fix this.

I tuck her soft, silky hair behind her ear and grab her face. "Look, you need to understand, this's all new for me. I just don't know how to deal with this."

She sighs deeply and places her fingers on my cheek, skimming them gently down to my chin. I close my eyes, welcoming the feeling of her fingertips on me. "Just… let it be Christian, I'd never hurt you, I'd never take advantage of you."

"I know Anastasia. It's not that… It's… I don't want to lose you. This last week…" _Has been the best in my life_.

Suddenly she hugs me tightly, throwing her arms around my neck. "You won't lose me." Her unexpected affection is utterly disarming. And new. And confusing. But that's what Anastasia is, what Anastasia means; newness, confusion, feelings, affection. "Why do you think you'll lose me?"

"Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up."

Her eyes widen and she takes my hand. "I know Christian, I know."

I'm bewildered, but I don't want to go deeper. Standing, I hold out my hand. "Let's go." She accepts it and we walk toward the main house, our hands entwined, our souls entwined, she is here with me. And the same question hangs over my head like the sword of Damocles, _for how long_.

…

…

APOV

Grace accepts reluctantly that we won't play that particular game. "Please, we still don't know each other that well, but we will participate in the next one." I'm really afraid to play this in front of them, after all that had happened today I know I'm not in total control. Of course I won't take my clothes off, but I'll lose it, for sure. I discovered today that Christian is harder to resist than the magic bubble and the sea.

Christian is serious in a strange way. I squeeze his hand so he knows, _I'm here now Christian, for you, with you_. He relaxes little by little and gently skims his thumb across my knuckles. His words resonate in my head, _fifty shades of fucked up_. This I know, since that afternoon at the Bay I know, I felt it, although I don't understand the real implications of it. Whatever it's, is not grave, I've seen his gentle soul, he's always trying to help, to serve the less fortunate. He's been there when he was a little boy, and that triggers solidarity from him, not selfishness.

A new game starts after Christian's parents win _do you know me well?_ ; the challenge is simply to get through tongue-twisters rapidly, without making a mistake, three times. I'm a mess, I've never been good at tongue-twisters, but Christian laughs freely every time I fail and that makes me happy. I don't care, I want him like this, unworried, enjoying the moment. He wins the challenge, not even one mistake, mm, skilled with his tongue. _I want that tongue on me_ …

"Anastasia"

… _all over me_ …

"Anastasia."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

Christian is looking at me with a hint of amusement in his expression. "What were you thinking about?"

I clean my throat and whisper. "Your skilled tongue."

He chuckles. "Really, what am I? Your sex toy? But we aim to please Anastasia, you just have to ask for it." I feel my face burning. _Oh dear, I want him to please me right now_. I feel embarrassed all of a sudden, having these thoughts in front of his parents, in front of him. He's watching me intently, his eyes dark gray. My mouth goes dry and he smiles a slow sexy smile.

"Now, please."

"Right now?" He asks grinning. _Bastard_. "Patience, Anastasia, patience."

Kate is eyeing me suspiciously. She winks at me knowing what we are up to. She reads me better than my mother. It's seriously annoying to not have control over my blushing, over the expression on my face.

In that moment, the amusing and homely tranquility of the afternoon is murdered by the unexpected presence of Elena Lincoln. She's standing in front of us dressed in black, beautiful and dangerous as the predator she is. I feel my blood boiling, my head spinning, and my heart pounding when I see her. She's looking at me in astonishment, looking at our entwined hands disapprovingly. _Shit, this is starting to be a very long day._ I'm afraid this time I won't be able to control myself. Last time I cared about Christian, this time I've fallen for him; I could kill this woman with my bare hands. _What the hell is she doing here?_

"Elena, you are here." Grace stands up to greet her friend and I can't contain my horror, bile rises in my throat. Obviously, Grace has no idea, no one in this room knows.

I remember Christian is next to me, so I lean back on the sofa gauging his reaction. He gets the impassive look, serious and in control; _the mask is on_. I'm afraid he will deny me again, maybe this afternoon I will end up being Miss Steele, the girl who works for him at GEH. As if reading my mind he squeezes my hand instead of releasing it. He's sending a message to both of us.

She greets all the Greys and Kate, then stands in front of me offering her hand. "Miss Steele, what a surprise to meet you again." I don't want to touch her, I can't touch her, but everybody is looking at me. _Fuck this!_ I don't stretch her offered hand, just look coldly at her. "Hello." And that's all I can manage to say. I detect the apprehension on Christian's face and try to relax, it's not my place to make a scene here, at his parents' house. I sit, making an effort to look more calmed and hoping my action passed unnoticed. Kate gazes at me with pursed lips and narrowed eyes, now she knows there is something wrong about that awful woman.

She kisses Christian cheeks and I feel sick again, then walks toward Grace. "Shall we start, Grace?"

"Yes Elena, let's go to my study."

The pedophile leaves with his mother and my heart fills with sadness at the thought of what he must have been through when he was younger. I'm too naïve to know exactly what, but I know the problem isn't solved. He's still trapped in her net and he doesn't even know it. She has free access to all of his personal spaces.

"Dad, I have a meeting via WebEx with my team in New York. I need your laptop half an hour." His voice interrupts my train of thoughts.

"Of course son, it's in my office."

"Anastasia, if you need anything look for me at my father's office, or tell him. I'll be back in forty minutes more or less, and then we can leave." He kisses me on the cheek surprising everybody, even me, and leaves the room.

Kate sits next to me. "Spill the beans Steele, what's wrong with that harpy?" _Mm, KK Inquisition_.

"I can't tell you Kate, but it's bad, really bad. Hate her with me."

She smiles. "Of course Ana, I already hate her. But remember, if something's wrong you will tell me, I won't judge. I'll try to understand and help."

I need to distract Kate and I know how. "You knew Elliot would fall for that trick."

She chuckles. "Sometimes he's so childish, but I like him, Ana, he's tender and funny and has a big heart. He's never boring." Oh dear, she is unrecognizable, where is the Kate I've lived with for almost four years?

"Excuse me, ladies, give me some space please, I want to sit next to my beautiful girlfriend." Elliot is standing in front of us, I move over so he can sit in between us. Kate melts next to Elliot and I feel a familiar faint stab of envy. Kate has found herself a normal man, and she looks so happy.

"Ana, I underestimated you. You made me look like a fool in front of my family." But Elliot tells me this winking at me, so I know I'm not in trouble.

"I'm mad at you Elliot. You were mean to Christian, it's been hard for him, you know? Have you asked him how is he feeling after the ordeal that article unleashed? Honestly, I thought he could count on you, but instead you made him feel like he doesn't belong here with his family."

Elliot seems truly ashamed. "I didn't know Ana, he's always teasing me about so many things, it wasn't my intention to make him feel bad. I promise you I'll apologize to Christian as soon as I see him." Then he smiles. "You love him, don't you?"

I feel my cheeks burning and stare at my knuckles. _Jeez, now I have to endure Elliot Inquisition_.

"I see. Well, he's crazy about you Ana, I've never seen Christian like this before, he's got it bad."

I can't stop myself and abruptly raise my head. "You think?"

"He hasn't told you?"

I stare at my knuckles again.

"Oh boy, of course he hasn't told you. Be patient with him, please Ana."

…

After a while, I feel part of this family. They are all so nice, and I notice Carrick and Grace had built a supportive-cohesive family to provide a stable and structured life to their children. I grew up with two persons that didn't get along very well, and with Ray, a taciturn lonely man, Taylor's style; but I'm grateful he was there for me, he's always been there for me, I should call him.

I excuse myself and go to the bathroom. When I get in the bathroom I shut the door and look at myself in the full-length mirror, I look tired.

I call Ray, he is fine but I feel the urge to visit him, next weekend, I tell him I'll be there next weekend. I hope he gets someone, find some company in life; after my mother left he's been alone, that's not good for him. I feel a pang of melancholy and realize that he and Christian have that in common, lonely men, at least Christian had those submissives and now he has me. Yes, me, what am I? A friend with benefits? I've never been fond of that concept, at least not for my life. And again, the incertitude, I hate the incertitude.

After getting out of the bathroom I hear familiar voices coming from inside the dining room. My spidey sense tells me to go there and doesn't get wrong, there are Christian and that pedophile. I freeze, listening intently. I can't help it.

"… but this's a good one Christian, no hard limits and your type, she'll make a good submissive."

"I already told you, Elena, I'm not interested. I don't want to have this conversation here."

"Is that slim girl distracting you as you deserve Christian, as you need? I know she is your type but nothing remarkable." _Is she offering him a submissive like she was some sort of pimp? I'm his type!_

"That really is none of your fucking business." Christian snaps.

 _Oh._

"I'm sorry." She sounds contrite. _Awful woman, an actress_.

Okay, showtime. I slowly walk through the room and stand next to Christian, staring at her eyes, showing as much confidence and composure as I can. Fortunately, I combed my hair and washed my face in the bathroom, I'm kind of decent for a fight. Then I look at Christian, his face serious and wary, but he can't hide his surprise.

"I'm tired, Christian. I'd like to go."

"Dear, I'm having a private conversation with Christian. Leave us alone."

"No."

"Excuse me? Christian, what's this girl's problem?"

"Anastasia, please, give us a couple of minutes." Christian is trying to avoid a potential conflict, but I won't leave, I'll remind him what is what I'm offering him.

I grab his arm getting close to him, resting my head on his shoulder. "No." I add softly.

He stills and runs a hand through his hair, exasperated. And then I feel it, his body relaxes, he sighs resigned and kisses my hair. In that moment I know I won't allow this evil witch destroy what Christian has achieved, I won't allow her to erase the smiles from Christian's face, to rip out the warmness from Christian's soul. I saw his change when she arrived.

The evil woman straightens her black blouse, she's getting ready. _Bring it on, witch!_

"I told you, Christian, that you should be careful with this girl. She shows no respect for you. She is just a mousy little gold-digger trying to interfere with your life."

I gasp and take a step forward. "Don't you dare talk about me like that, you fucked-up son of a bitch."

Christian moves rapidly and comes to stand between us.

"What the fuck, Elena?"

"She's not right for you, Christian, I know you well, I know your needs."

"What do you know of his needs?" I snarl. My sense of indignation flares brightly. "You're nothing but a sick child molester."

She blanches, staring at him in horror. When she speaks, her voice is low and incredulous. "You told her, Christian?" He looks at her impassive and passes his arm over my shoulders, I don't know if making sure I won't attack her, or showing her that he's with me.

"I was the best thing that ever happened to you." She hisses arrogantly at him.

"You just happened to me, Elena. Now leave me alone, I told you I wouldn't talk with you here."

He puts his arms around me and pulls me close after she leaves the room. "Don't let her come between us, please." He whispers kissing my forehead. "Don't let Elena ruin our day, Anastasia." He hugs me trapping my arms inside his embrace and letting go so much anxiety. Dear God, this man is always radiating tension.

"Let's go, you are tired and I have a meeting very early tomorrow. Taylor is waiting for us outside."

I don't know if I'm making a mistake, but I need to talk about what just happened. "Why is she still in your life?"

His brow furrows. "Anastasia, Elena and I… it's complicated. We have a shared history. She's a friend now, that's all. Please, forget about her."

"I can't, she's a criminal Christian."

He's glaring at me, his gray eyes blazing, aggrieved. "She helped me, I was on the road to self-destruction and she gave me guidance. She might save me."

"No Christian, that wasn't her intention."

"Don't speak about what you don't know, Anastasia."

I move away from him and take a deep breath, now I'm angry. "Oh, I know, I know what I'm talking about. I was simply a coward Christian but I can tell you this, my abuser is not a presence in my life, and if he comes after me I'm prepared to face him. But your abuser is a constant presence in yours, and you are just blind."

"Anastasia!" He warns me, but I don't care.

"Listen to me Christian, after what happened to me I'm a stronger person, focused in what I want, self-sufficient. Do you think I should thank him for that? Do you think that's what he was pursuing when he attacked me? To make a better person out of me?" He stills and swallows.

"You are confusing the causes with the consequences, you got yourself out of the road to self-destruction, she just manipulated and used a teenager because is incapable to deal with adults and is a sick bitch."

We stand glowering at each other. I hope he takes into account what I'm telling him, for his own good.

There's a knock on the door that startles us, Grace pokes her head around. "Everything okay, darling?" She asks Christian.

"Yes Mom, we're leaving."

…

We sit in silence as Taylor takes us to my apartment. Christian stares pensively out the window. When Taylor pulls up outside my apartment, Christian climbs out and holds the car door open for me. _Right, his manners_. He walks me to the lobby door and waits while I dig my keys out of my purse. As I unlock the door, he leans forward and whispers in my ear. "Thank you for a wonderful day, Anastasia."

I look at him feeling sad, so sad, I think I lost him and he is saying goodbye. Well, it was important to tell him what I think about that evil woman, at least now he has a different opinion to take into account. Somehow he registers my sadness and frowns. "Anastasia, I'm not mad at you, I just have a lot in my mind." He takes my face between his hands and kisses me softly, sweetly. "I have a meeting first time in the morning, but I'm free at lunch time, would you like to have lunch with me, Anastasia?"

I can't stop my smile, he wants to see me tomorrow! "Yes Christian, of course."

"Until tomorrow, then." He smiles.

"Goodnight, Christian."

…

…

CPOV

Taylor wakes me from my doze. "We're here, Mr. Grey."

"Thank you, Taylor. I have a meeting in the morning, we need to leave 7:30."

"I'll be ready 7:30."

"Good night, Taylor."

I leave Taylor to park the car and make my way up to my apartment. Opening a bottle of sparkling water from the fridge, I sit down at my desk in my study and take out my phone. There is a message from Elliot.

- **Sorry I was such an ass bro. I got a slap on the wrist from Ana. I'm happy you have her.**

I smile, she's not here and still makes me smile. A slap on the wrist to Elliot, I guess I got one too, or maybe two or three, I'm not sure. I want to send her a warm message, I want to reassure her.

 **-Sweet dreams, sweet girl**

 **+Sweet dreams, sweet boy  
**

 _Mm, that was too fast._

 **-Are you in bed?**

 **\+ Writing**

 **-Go to sleep Anastasia**

 **+Not tonight Christian.**

 **-Why?**

 **+I don't want a nightmare. Let me work, go to sleep x**

And then I realize, today was a long day, especially for her. Portland, Charlie Tango, the kiss, her first orgasm after four years of anguish, my parents, Elena, and our discussion. Shit, of course she will have a nightmare tonight, too much to handle, too much stress, and she knows it so she won't go to bed. She's afraid of her nightmares and she is alone.

Before I can stop myself I grab the car keys, pick up a jacket, and I'm out the door. Fifteen minutes later, I'm in front of her building texting her.

 **-Open the door Anastasia, I'm here.**

I hear the door buzzing and go up to her apartment. She is waiting for me in the living room wearing some yellow pajamas, her hair up in a messy ponytail. She looks beautiful and natural, as usual, but also exhausted.

"What are you doing here, Christian?"

"I'll watch your sleep Anastasia, you need some rest and I need you well."

She opens her eyes in surprise and then her smart mouth to start again, but I put my finger over her lips. "Please, Anastasia."

She sighs. "Okay, Christian, I'm really tired, maybe that's the best thing to do."

Her room is small, full of books and notebooks. I don't get how she manages to have so many books in such a small room. Suddenly, I feel the urge to give her my library; she deserves a huge library like that, I want her to have it. She's a writer, a good one.

I empty my pockets, remove my shoes and socks, and strip off my pants. Slinging my jacket over her chair I climb into her bed.

"Come here. Lie on your side, facing away from me."

She obeys. I wrap my arm around her and gently pull her against me. It feels so right, being here with her.

"Christian."

"Mhm."

"Do you like brunettes?"

 _Oh God, where is this woman's brain going now?_ "No Anastasia, I liked brunettes, now I just like you. Sleep sweet girl, don't be afraid of your nightmares, I'm here for you." I murmur and feel her body relaxing second by second until she falls asleep. I breathe in the scent of her hair, _she smells so good_ , and my eyelids droop closed.


	17. Miss Steele

Chap. 17 Miss Steele.

APOV.

" _Ana, why are you crying."_

" _Paul, I'll do whatever you want, please don't hurt me."_

" _Oh Ana, I think you owe me this."_

" _Please, Paul."_

" _Come on Ana, you know you'll let me do it, I want this and you love me, right?"_

" _Right, right. I love you, you don't need to do this, we'll look for help and everything is going to be fine."_

" _Do you think I need help?"_

" _No… I didn't mean… Paul."_

" _You little shit, you took my manhood, you emasculated me. I don't need help, I just need you to give it back to me."_

" _No, Paul."_

" _This is your fault. You trashy whore."_

" _Paul, please."_

" _Now, say hello to Nick. You took it from me but I still_ _can_ _make you feel me, Ana."_

" _No, Paul, that hurts."_

" _Shut up, little bitch."_

 _"No."_

"NOOO." I sit up dragging air into my lungs in hard, shallow rasps. Everything is dark, he might be there, hidden, waiting. He was always there.

"Anastasia."

 _Christian?_

"Anastasia, look at me."

"Christian!"

"Yes, I'm here, sweet girl. You're safe."

"Christian." I hug him tightly and feel the heat radiating from him, warming me. He enfolds me in his arms and starts stroking my hair tenderly; his voice soft and soothing. "I've got you, Anastasia." A flood of relief rolls over me sweeping the fear away, and my tears begin to flow. But these are good tears, cleaning tears that allow me to feel better, to throw off the anguish. _Christian is here, I'm home, I'm safe_.

"Hush. I know sweet girl, I know. It's all right now, go back to sleep, I'll be here."

…

"Anastasia."

I groan. "No. Let me sleep!" I groan again.

"Stop groaning, it turns me on!"

 _Oh!_

I open my eyes and there is Christian, sitting on my bed, wearing a gray suit, and looking ridiculously handsome; he's showered and shaved. _The CEO is in my bedroom, whoa_.

"Christian. What… How?"

"Taylor brought me my clothes and I used your bathroom. It's half past seven, I have a breakfast meeting."

 _So handsome_. "Don't go."

He grins. "Anastasia, you're a dangerous temptation."

I sit up and wrap my arms around his neck. "Am I?" I kiss him, his lips feel so delicious. I want him, I ' _can_ ' want him and that realization makes me feel giddy. I bite his upper lip waiting to see if _that_ was really 'our thing'. He smiles and bites my lower lip, tugging gently at it. _Yes_. A little part of me wants to push him down to the bed and jump him. _A little?_ Okay, a big part of me.

"I saw you have a couple of skirts, wear one today."

 _What?_ I blush furiously and he chuckles. "Now you are shy? Always unexpected Anastasia, although your blushing is kind of expected."

He is teasing me, _bastard_ , I narrow my eyes. "You're running late Mr. Grey. Don't you have a meeting to attend?"

"Miss Steele! I've missed you, welcome back. I want to see you in my office at noon, lunch."

I roll my eyes. "Really?"

"Really." He cocks his head to one side and regards me intently. "You look lovely with your disheveled hair and your sleepy face." I feel my cheeks burning again and he chuckles. "So easy…" Then he kisses my forehead and inhales deeply, "and you smell even better in the morning. How do you feel?"

Suddenly I remember my nightmare. Christian worked the magic again, I was able to go back to sleep, I felt safe in his arms, at least safe enough. I sigh deeply staring at my hands.

"Thank you Christian. I've never slept after one nightmare, not before you. I slept well." _I wish I could reciprocate somehow._

"For me it's the same, Anastasia." He caresses my cheek. "I don't have nightmares when you are next to me. My insomnia is gone too. I slept well." I look at him surprised. _What does that mean?_

"I'm your dream catcher!"

He smiles and leans forward to plant a brief, chaste kiss on my lips. "Mm, you should be hanging from the ceiling in my bedroom."

"Creepy."

He chuckles. "Yes, that didn't sound well." He caresses my cheek again, _so sweet_. "I need to go. Lunch time, be punctual." One more kiss and he disappears. I miss him. I already miss him. _Oh God, I miss him and it's been five seconds! I'm screwed up._

In the bathroom I see his toothbrush, a bottle of body wash, and a razor. A warm wave runs through me at the sight of his items next to mine. Did he leave these on purpose or are these just disposable items?

…

Wearing my green print silk long skirt, I feel confident. Today I'll have my first meeting with Mr. J. Hyde of Seattle Independent Publishing in his office. I already read three manuscripts and need some clarification.

My questions are written down in my notebook and everything is ready on the table, but he keeps typing on his computer. Reading. Typing. Writing. Typing and ignoring me for half an hour. I don't want to be late to my date with Christian, but it seems to be I won't make it. I send him a message just in case.

- **Sorry, can't make it for lunch. The meeting at SIP is taking too long. A x**

Finally, Mr. Hyde stands up and comes to sit in the chair next to me. "I'm sorry Ana, can I call you Ana?"

That takes me off guard. "I… eh… yes, of course."

"Call me Jack. Shall we start?"

Even though the meeting goes well, I have a vague-strong sense of something being wrong. Personal questions interpolated, his arm brushing mine a couple of times, leaning toward me invading my personal space every five minutes. _Is this harassment?_ This man makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable, but I'm probably reading too much into this because of the nightmare.

I hear a ping and pick my phone up. It's a message from Christian.

- **I'm here**. **Lunch.**

 _He's here! Like if he was a boyfriend!_ Fortunately, the meeting is almost finished and I tell Jack Hyde that I need to go. Out of nowhere he invites me to have dinner with him tonight.

"I'm sorry, I already have plans."

"With your boyfriend?"

 _What?_ "Yes." I lie and try to ignore the less-than-pleased expression on his face.

"I'll be in your office Friday afternoon to continue this meeting. Maybe you'd like to come for a drink after that." And finishes the sentence winking at me.

 _What the hell?_ It wasn't the nightmare, this man means trouble. _Shit, I was so happy with this assignment, now I have to 'unbury the hatchet'_.

Remembering Mr. Benford words, I gather as much strength as I can. "Mr. Hyde, I'll let your secretary know if that's possible after checking my schedule. Please send me your notes through e-mail as soon as you can, GEH wants written reports from both sides of this negotiation." And there goes the possibility of getting a job at SIP after finishing my internship at GEH. _Shit_. I have to admit that being whatever I'm for Christian, gives me the confidence to confront this idiot.

He blinks surprised and then a slight smile crosses his face. "Oh Ana, there is no need for such formality between us. I'll be in contact." _Us?_ He opens the door and stretches my hand longer than necessary. But I don't want a direct confrontation right now, it's just the first meeting and maybe he gets the message and stops being disrespectful.

Outside SIP I see Christian, leaning against the black SUV, sunglasses on, wearing his suit. I'm not sure I'll make it to the car, I'm melting just at the sight of that handsome man smiling at me. I walk letting small puddles of Anastasia Steele on my way toward him.

I stop in front of him, the smile is not there anymore, he detected the clouds in my mind. I want to kiss him but I'm not sure. _He's here for you, Ana_. An overwhelming need for him invades me and I get closer pressing the whole length of my body against his, resting my head on his chest and inhaling deeply. _Yes, I get it now, it's soothing._ After almost two hours of Jack Hyde making me feel uncomfortable, I need this. That affected me and now I realize.

Christian enfolds me in a protective embrace. "What's wrong, Anastasia?"

"Nothing, tough meeting."

"We can choose another publishing company."

"No, I can handle this, Christian." He studies my face. _Shit, my opened window_. I try to think about pleasant moments, like the meteor shower, like yesterday, like he being here because he wants to see me…

"Don't bite your lip." I release my lip quickly, not wanting him to go beyond my clouds.

Grabbing my face he kisses me like an imploration. "You'd tell me if you couldn't, right?"

I nod. _Would I?_ I don't know, he already has plenty to worry about. I need a distraction.

"Why are you here?"

His eyes suddenly fill with apprehension. "I invited you to have lunch with me. You said yes."

"Right but I thought you meant at your office, and since I couldn't make it… I'm surprised to see you here."

Christian holds the car door open for me. "A good surprise, I hope."

…

We are in a small but sumptuous room, beneath a shimmering chandelier. The table all starched linen, crystal glasses, silver cutlery, and a white rose bouquet. Fortunately, it's a private room because I'm completely lost staring at the exaggerated amount of forks and spoons in front of me. _This's just for eating for God's sake, why humans complicate their lives with useless rules and formalities? Oh dear, he's doing this on purpose_.

"I accepted to play your game Anastasia, you promised. First lesson."

"Yes but you enjoyed that."

"Come on Anastasia, are you letting some spoons defeat you? What would Wanda say?" He's shaking his head disapprovingly.

I narrow my eyes. _Bastard_. "You sound like my inner cricket."

He laughs and I relax. "Your what?"

"You know, my conscience, my inner judge."

"Oh Anastasia, it's just you and me now. We will have a few lessons and then you will be evaluated by a jury."

"What do you mean?" I'm horrified.

"I'm taking you to a business dinner." He's smiling sardonically at me. "Fancy restaurant."

Mm, he wants to scare me but now I'm more composed. "Christian, I'll embarrass you in front of the competition. Are you sure that's what you want?"

"You'd never embarrass me, Anastasia, that's simply impossible, everything you do, you say, is so special. You can surprise me, astonish me, even shock me, but never… eh… Anastasia? Are you okay?"

My jaw drops to the floor, my eyes open wide, and I'm totally stupefied. He's just beaten the ' _rare and precious flower_ ' line. THAT is the most romantic thing I've ever heard from a man. _He's too far, too far from me…_ I stand up and run to sit on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck while I kiss him. It takes him one second to register what I'm doing and then he corresponds. His hands are all over me, I feel his mouth on my neck, his tongue against my skin. Before I realize I'm sitting astride Christian and he's unbuttoning my blouse. "Christian, wait, the waiter… I…" But his hands erase all willpower from me.

"The door is blocked, don't worry. God, I want you so much, last night was purgatory. Look at me." Domineering Christian is here making me float ten feet off the ground. "Free your hair and bite your lip." _Oh, role play, can I do this?_

"Christian, do you want me to obey?" I bite his earlobe and he groans.

"Yes Anastasia, please."

I giggle over the irony of the moment. "Then I have a little secret for you." I tug at his earlobe and he groans again. "Miss Steele can be obedient."

He chuckles. "Really? Thanks for the tip Anastasia, now go and take a nap, I have unfinished business with Miss Steele here." I giggle again, this's going to be good.

"Miss Steele, free your hair and bite your lip, now."

I can see my desire reflected in his expression, in his darkening eyes. My voice gets husky and soft.

"As you wish, Mr. Grey."


	18. Mine

Chap. 18 Mine.

APOV

With my hands flat on the table and Christian's warmth on my back, I return to the here and now. _That was amazing_ , _just_ _his tone of voice..._ Commanding but with a hint of affection. This role play I don't mind, this was fun sex. And Miss Steele's time has a new meaning now.

"Thank you, baby." He breathes and I melt. _He's just called me baby, like in songs and movies!_

I try to stand up but Christian tightens his grip. I lay back and he strokes his nose against my cheek. "I enjoyed that."

"Me too Christian, it's like losing some kind of virginity."

He snorts but I'm serious. If what he's told me is true, then this is new for him too, to start, my hands were free. And to me, well, I was a virgin that fateful day _he_ hit me and raped me with that awful thing, so this is a second chance to me, a chance to enjoy what should be a human right, orgasms. I chuckle while thinking in my letter to the U. N.: _leaders of the world, you must guarantee clean water, health, education and orgasms._

"What?"

"Nothing, just a silly thought. Christian, I should be the one thanking you. You've broken the curse. You've given my body back to me."

"My pleasure, Anastasia."

I giggle. "Yes, your pleasure… How is your finger?" He gave me his finger to bite, so I wasn't noisy.

"He will survive." I see the deep marks on his index finger and feel bad. _Did I do that?_ I kiss the marks delicately and he mirrors the action on my cheek. Double kiss on his finger, double kiss on my cheek. _Oh Christian, how can't you see how sweet you are?_

Okay, what now. _Right, spoons and forks, ugh_.

"Christian"

"Mhm."

"I don't want to learn cutlery etiquette, I think it's stupid."

He keeps stroking his nose against my cheek and I close my eyes. _Heaven_.

"Let's make a deal Anastasia. You will learn and then you can decide not to use such knowledge. Your choice will lie between your judgment and the circumstances, so a situation like this won't make you nervous anymore."

 _Is he talking about cutlery?_ Whatever, this's what empowerment is about, knowledge and choices, not because I don't know how, but because I don't want to.

"Okay." I stand up buttoning up my blouse, straightening my skirt, and trying to look like if nothing happened, an impossible without a mirror. _Oh no, no, no…_

"CHRISTIAN."

He jumps. "What? What is it?"

I remember there is people on the other side of the door and lower my voice. "My panties. What did you do?"

"Well... Anastasia… the heat of the moment. I'll buy you new ones."

"Prettier!"

He chuckles. "Prettier."

With torn panties and no dignity, I sit in front of the spoons and forks.

"Did you block the door?"

"There is a switch here in the table. This time I'm guilty, this was premeditated. Although as usual you were unpredictable."

I smile, I like being unpredictable for this control freak.

"You've been here before. With one of your girlfriends?" His stance changes from supremely confident to uncertain.

"They weren't…" He runs a hand through his hair exasperated. "No, I told you we barely interacted outside the playroom."

Bile rises through my throat, _the bitch troll_. "She brought you here."

"Yes." The mask is on.

"She was sat there."

"Yes."

"Good." I smile and enjoy watching his surprised face.

"Good?"

"Yes. This time, you had the switch and the power. Mm, actually just the illusion of the power… Anyway, this place is ours now." I wink.

He chuckles. "Un-fucking-predictable."

"Christian, language, you are teaching me etiquette."

His grin gets wider and I feel joy, his smiles feed something inside me.

…

We arrive at Grey House's garage but he doesn't realize, he's lost stroking my knuckles with his thumb, he's been like this the whole journey. Taylor leaves us alone, maybe sensing we need privacy. "Christian, we are here."

He looks at me and I register some nervousness. _What's wrong?_

"Spend the night with me."

 _Oh._ "I want to write."

"You can do it at my place, bring your laptop."

 _What is this?_ "Are you sure? I mean, I'm not like those girls."

He smiles. "I'm fully aware of that. It won't be the first time, you have slept there before."

"Yes but not being… eh… with this…"

"Intimacy?"

"Mhm." My blush rises like a wave of heat. God, why is this awkward after what we have done? _Uncertainty_. The cricket is right. _As usual_. Shut up.

Placing his hands on either side of my face he makes me look at him. "Is that a problem?"

"I don't know. I'm afraid to find out."

"Why?"

I close my eyes. "Because I don't want to lose you either."

"Look at me." I do it immediately, he always gets me with that command. "I'll be yours until you decide to leave me."

"What? I won't…"

"Yes, you will, I already told you why. But until then… I'm yours, Anastasia." He plants a swift kiss on my forehead.

 _Oh God, what is that supposed to mean?_ I haven't the slightest idea, this's a different language. "I'm not sure about the meaning of that in your world... oh." I raise my hand to my mouth in horror. "You were hers; when you were younger you were hers. NO, I don't want that."

"I'm not saying I'll be your submissive. I'm saying I'll be devoted to you, just you."

Exclusive, that's all I get so far. And according to him, I will be the one walking away from this. Why? _Because he is not interested in love_. My inner judge has a point, but I prefer to ignore her. _As usual_. Shut up.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes. I have my class at seven and then I'll go to Escala."

He smiles and climbs out of the car, walking round to my side to open the door, ever the gentleman. Well, the uncertainty is shrinking, I don't have a boyfriend, I have a 'mine'. That's something, right? Although I need to understand what the hell that means. _Friends with benefits?_ No, 'yours' and 'devote' sound much more intense, like some spooky vampire oath. _Jeez_.

In the elevator he's staring at me, it's unnerving. _Vampire's eyes, yes, I don't see the Asgardian God anymore_. But there is a mirror in the elevator, I can see his reflection.

"Creepy."

He chuckles and gets his mouth close to my ear. _Oh no, he'll suck my blood now_. Under his spell, I give him free access to my throat. "I can't wait to see you naked, completely naked." His words make my breath stop, I know I'm as red as a tomato.

"Breathe, Anastasia, breathe." The elevator's door opens and he pushes me out. "I have a surprise for you." Grabbing my hand he takes me to my office, everybody is staring in disbelieve. _Yes, the CEO is my devoted mine, get over it_. Mrs. McGrath would enjoy the show but she is not here now. I smile apologetically without making eye contact with any of them.

He opens the door and stands back to let me in. Inside my office I can't see anything different, and there is nothing on my desk, just the manuscripts. I turn around to ask him and then I see it, on the wall next to the door. _Oh my God_. I cover my mouth with my hands.

It's a huge star chart with at least one hundred stars; our constellations are drawn and identified respecting the scaling factor. The flower is delineated with bright blue and it looks like jumping from the black surface of the chart. There are three more constellations that we didn't make up that night: 'caterpillar', 'butterfly', 'Ana'. _The story, Ana is the fairy!_ I sob.

"Anastasia, what…" But I don't let him finish, I'm kissing him and kissing him with all my heart. This man is a rough gem diamond, and he is mine, his words. He wraps his arms around me kissing me back.

Recovering my breath I hug him tightly, intoxicated by his scent. "I'm yours too." I prefer his language, that way he'll understand.

He stays quiet, stroking my hair until I break the hug. "This's beautiful Christian, thank you." I need to burst the bubble. "The 'romantic you' never ceases to amaze me."

He frowns for a moment and seems to be engaged in some kind of internal struggle. "I don't do romance, Anastasia, I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of guy, I already told you."

"No." I snort. "You're a star charts and helicopters kind of guy."

And there it's, his smile. _Yes, Christian, you can't fool me, you can hide from the world but not from me, I'm a writer, a poetess, I can see you_.

"Go, I'm sure you have meetings and emails and phone calls. I'll see you tonight."

"Are you kicking me out?" Christian feigns an offended expression, but I can hear his amusement.

"Yes. Go."

He curls his arms around me and presses his nose into my hair. "Hmm, tonight no clothes, just you and your scent." And as if on cue, I blush. _Crap!_ He chuckles waving his goodbye.

…

On my way up I feel nervous, too nervous, I wish I could relax. This time, it's not about his mood, it's about getting real in his un-homey home, where he practices his BDSM routines. I look at my wary eyes in the elevator's mirror. _Shit, I should have said no, I'm not ready_.

The elevator doors open and Christian is there, leaning against the wall in front of me, handsome and irresistible with his charming bad boy smile. My heart practically lurches to a halt, I can't move. _How did he know I was coming up?_ Just two seconds before the doors close again, he jumps and grabs my arm taking me out of the elevator. "Anastasia, what the hell?"

"I'm sorry, you surprised me."

He shakes his head and leads me to the kitchen area. "Sit." Pointing to one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar, he sits next to me and I obey his command. My backpack on the floor next to my feet. _Bossy Christian_.

There are some plates with food but I'm not hungry. He's studying my face, probably intrigued by my change of mood. "Help yourself to food, Anastasia."

"I'm really not hungry." My whisper sounds weak. _How can I eat now?_

He raises an eyebrow at me. "Don't bite your lip. What's wrong?"

Releasing my lip, I glance down at my fingers without an answer.

"Look at me."

I can't help it and raise my head to gaze at him. "What's wrong Anastasia? Don't you want to be here?" There is exasperation in his voice, I don't like it.

"I'm nervous, okay? Don't talk to me like that, I'm not one of your sex slaves." And there it's, I'm afraid he treats me like one, I'm afraid of his expectations. I'm not sure he understands, though.

"I don't have sex slaves and I would never treat you as a submissive, Anastasia." He softens his voice. "Why are you nervous?"

"Because… because…"

"Anastasia."

"I don't fit in here."

"I need more to understand." He sighs heavily, sadly, and that sadness calms me.

"Here you are who you usually are, with those girls, with your set of rules and conditions. I'm not ready to compete with that, Christian. Look around; your detached style is in every corner, telling me I don't fit in here, I'm the most colorful thing in this place." I make a pause sighing, I know I sound pathetic but this's how I feel. "One of them had sat here, and on that black sofa. They had been walking around, being and doing what you like women to be and do, which by the way, I'm not and I won't."

Suddenly, he stands up and grabs me by my arm, dragging me through the kitchen and the living room. There is a door and he opens it. "Enter there, please." I hesitate but finally step inside. _His bedroom!_ Correction. _His super bedroom!_ He sits on his super bed patting the spot next to him. "Come here, Anastasia." I sit there diligently not knowing how to feel. His bedroom has more colors, but they are light. At least here the surroundings transmit something, tranquility.

He grabs my shoulders and faces me toward him. "None of them had been here in my bedroom, not even Elena. Just you and me. Better?" I get mad, how can he mention that awful woman now? _Okay Ana, not the moment for that, focus_.

"I know it's illogic to feel like this, I've been here before."

"Look at me."

And again, is like having a spring in my neck that is activated by those words.

"What did I tell you?"

I blush. "That you want to see me naked?"

He chuckles. "No, well yes, but that's not what I'm referring to."

"That you are my _mine_?"

"Your _mine_?" He smiles. "Yes, that. Do you think that's something I'd say to one submissive?"

"Eh… no?"

"No, Anastasia."

I stand up and walk to the glass wall to admire the most glorious view of Seattle. _This man and the views, wow_. So, I'm the first one in his bedroom, the first one out of a BDSM scene, the first one he invited to fly in his helicopter, and the piano, he said he had never played for someone upon request.

He's standing behind me, caressing my arms, and a lay back feeling better after he embraces me. He's quiet, maybe waiting to see if my mood shifts.

"Christian."

"Mhm."

"I'm ashamed of my body. I'm also nervous because of that."

"Why, Anastasia?"

 _Why? Isn't it obvious?_ I'm surprised by his surprise. "Well…"

He turns me around. "You are beautiful."

"Christian I live in this world, even though sometimes I escape. You can see in the magazines the type of woman people like you prefer, have access to. I haven't mentioned this before, but it's kind of annoying to watch all those women pursuing you, they don't even care I'm standing next to you. Do you know why? I'm too pale, too skinny, small breast, small hips, and..." He silences me with a kiss, a demanding kiss that makes me lose track of what I was saying.

"Look at me." The spring jumps up and he caresses my cheek. "This's your body, you're not allowed to speak about it like that, not in my presence."

"I don't…" He puts his index finger over my lips silencing me.

"What makes your body special Anastasia, is that it's attached to you, to your smartness, your kindness, your beautiful reasoning, your great sense of humor. I don't want you because of the measure of some parts of you, I crave intimacy with you. To watch your pleasure, your ecstasy is such a turn on, knowing that I'm the one giving that to you. And you give me the same, Anastasia. Can't you see that?"

 _This man is not real. Surely I've been kept in an induced coma in Planet Ana, he can't be real_. _I'm probably trapped inside one of my stories._ I touch his face with incredulity and he smiles. "I'm here with you, Anastasia." I gasp and withdraw my hand.

 _Do it Ana_.

I step back and start unbuttoning my shirt, slowly, his eyes widen when he realizes what I'm doing. My clothes fall to the floor one after another until I'm completely naked in front of him. I remember he likes my hair, so I grasp my hair tie and pull it free. Christian gasps as my hair cascades down around my shoulders. I feel so exposed, yet it doesn't matter because I want to be. There is the embarrassment, but also the courage he sowed in me. I look at him, straight in the eyes, waiting anxiously for his reaction.

Standing back, he gazes at me and I flush crimson. _Jeez, we don't need to exaggerate_. He smiles when notices it. Suddenly, he pulls his shirt over his head and quickly takes off his jeans and boxers. _Wow_. He's naked and all I can do is roll my eyes.

He smirks. "Anastasia, you are rolling your eyes, why?"

"Not fair, you're too handsome. You don't need a motivational speech as I did, and if you do, your speech would be something like: Christian, your body is perfect but don't worry, you have a perfect brain too. Mine was kind of: your brain is beautiful, so don't worry, we can forget about the body attached to it."

He laughs and embraces me. I can feel his whole body against mine, nothing in between. _Oh dear_. His skin is warm, his arousal evident in his eyes as well as his body. Fortunately, he's holding me, my legs can't. He bites my lower lip, then my earlobe.

"Oh God."

"What?" He murmurs against my throat, as he trails kisses down to my shoulder. I can't speak. "You… I… but…" My moan interrupts my senseless sentence and I can feel his smile while he trails kisses up to my ear. "Your skin is so soft, it drives me crazy, baby. Do you have any idea how much I want you?" He holds me against his hips and my breath hitches. I barely hear my whisper, "no."

"Oh yes, I think you do. You completely beguile me, Anastasia." S _eductive Christian, he erases all reason from me, dangerous_. "I like your body, the warmness, the softness." I can't even think, my mind is clouded by his words, by his soft and sensual tone. _This Christian is powerful, I remember him, was the one who broke the curse in the boathouse_. He has already hypnotized my senses, every one of them. "Mm, your hair, perfect scent, the perfect frame for your eyes. My beautiful Anastasia, mine."

"Yes, yours." And I let him, I let him take me to wherever he wants, a world of pure carnal sensation. Deep inside me, the hope that one day I'll be able to do the same to him.

...

"Anastasia." We're spooning in bed and I'm delighted, I can't move.

"Mhm."

"We need to eat."

"Mhm."

"Let's go, baby, I'm starving." My insides melt like butter every time he calls me baby. _Who is this? Oh, loving Christian._ I won't tell him or he'll hide this Christian from me.

"Okay, but first answer me one question." I turn around to face him.

His expression gets wary. "Tit for tat."

"Yes." I roll my eyes. "You were nervous when you asked me to come here tonight. Why?"

He strokes my hair. "Because I was afraid of your rejection."

"Oh Christian, it's the same for me. Some times I feel so insecure."

"It's easier for you."

"Mhm."

I take the hand that's stroking my hair and kiss each finger, then I kiss the palm of his hand, closing it as if keeping my kiss inside his fist. I place his fist on his chest, opening it, so my kiss goes directly to his heart. "I know you said I can touch you, but I also noticed that you feel uncomfortable when I do it. I want you to know that I'll respect that."

He grabs my hand and makes me kiss it in the palm, then places it flat on his chest, over his heart. He doesn't take his eyes off mine; his jaw is tense, his teeth clenched. But then, he places his hand over mine and I can feel his heart rate slowing down. He closes his eyes and smiles. "Magical Anastasia."

"Do you realize that the magic just happens when our hands are together? The magic is in us, in the connection, not in me."

His expression alters, wary once more. "Let's go, I'm starving."

He climbs off the bed and heads for the chest of drawers, pulls out a t-shirt and offers it to me.

"Put that on." And we are back to bossy Christian.

Then I realize. _Of course, that was too much for him_.

He can't handle love, not even from his family. His birth mother didn't show him love, didn't accept his love, so he's distrusting. He thinks he's an angry person, but he's just afraid and that makes him angry, to give up on love makes him angry. It's strange that at the same time he's so sweet, loving. He has no problem giving, the conflict shows up when receiving. I know there is more that I still can't understand, can't see.

 _Do I want this challenge? Can I tackle this?_ Of course, I owe him that much, and I already love him that much.


	19. Changes

Chap. 19 Changes.

CPOV.

A crossroad, Anastasia puts me smack dab in the middle of a crossroad. Like when I left home, dropped out Harvard, and terminated my contract with Elena. But on those occasions I knew what I wanted to become: independent, entrepreneur, dominant. I knew after giving it a thought or two, which was the right direction to achieve my objective. Now is different. The only certainty I have at the moment is that nothing will be the same, never again, even if I decide to erase her from my life.

My mind is flying through my worries while I play the piano, _a happier tune_ she said so a happier tune it's. The warmth of her head on my shoulder, the calmness on my chest.

"Christian."

"Mhm?"

"Thank you, that was beautiful."

 _Sweet girl_. "You are most welcome." I kiss her head, I don't want her to move right now.

"You made me forget that I wanted to write, you're very talented."

Right, I forgot too. "I'm talented because I made you forget?"

"Mhm, really distracting." She smiles and winks. "You should play jazz pieces too, you could experiment and get creative."

"So, you like jazz?"

"Of course, Kate is taking me to the Jazz Alley for my birthday. I'm counting the hours, Anthony Strong is going to play that day. Yay!" She raises one hand.

 _What the f…_ "Yay? Do I need to go there and compete for your _yays_ with that guy?"

She giggles sitting in my lap and throwing her arms around my neck. "Oh Christian, you already had all my _yays_. You can share one or two with that piano-man."

"I want to be the piano-man that gets the _yays_ , all of them." I feign offense.

She giggles again and starts kissing my face. "Okay, you are the piano-man of my _yays_ … and my _yeahs_ … and my _wows_ …. Oh yes, the _wows_." She hasn't stopped kissing me, my closed eyes, my cheeks, my nose. I'm floating.

"Look at me!"

I open my eyes surprised and stare at her beautiful blue eyes. _What was that?_

She giggles again. "It works." Then changes to a seductive voice. "Wow, yeah, I got the most beautiful Asgardian Angel from the sky, the most beautiful eyes!" Then she bites my earlobe. "I'm so, so lucky. Yay."

I laugh, and there it's, the strange emotion that I can't locate, can't identify, but calls something deep inside me. What this girl makes me feel is so unique and intense. Should I embrace this, or push it away as usual? _The crossroad again_. All my instincts tell me to not let this grow. I need something else to think about. Work, yes. First, the library.

"I want to show you something. Come." Taking her hand, I guide her into the other part of the penthouse, where the library is.

"What is this? You have two rooms for your BDSM stuff? I'm not ready for that."

That stops me right there. "Ready? What is that supposed to mean? You think you will be ready at some point?" The night takes an unexpected turn, of course, this's Anastasia. There is no way of knowing where her brain will go.

She blushes and looks down. "Well, yes… I mean… as what we did in that place, some role play."

Holding her face and lacing my fingers into her hair, I study her expression. "Anastasia, I don't expect you to be ready for that."

"Oh." Disappointment, that's what is written on her face.

"I thought you'd be happy to know I don't expect that from you."

"Me too, but I'm not."

"Why?" _Do I really want to know?_

"It means that, inside your mind, we are incompatible."

"It always boils down to incompatibility, always Anastasia."

"Are you talking about the other girls?"

"Yes."

"But they were in the lifestyle, how?"

"They wanted more than what was written in the contract. Anastasia, we can talk about this later." _Or never_. "I want to show you something."

She is looking at me astonished, that piece of information has her thinking. Okay, I'll deal with the consequences later, that's for sure. I open the door and let her in.

"CHRISTIAN, YOU HAVE A SUPER LIBRARY, OH MY GOD!"

I chuckle and lean on the wall to enjoy the show. Her excited expression, her hair wild free, walking barefoot through the library wearing just my T-shirt. I try to immortalize this moment in my mind, Anastasia looks so beautiful right now, she's glowing, the wild creature she is completely unleashed.

Her fingers trail over the books, like if by touching them she'd get some sort of energy. "OH MY GOD, FIRST EDITIONS!" And I'm chuckling again. I knew it, that she'd love this place. These were her first love, books, probably when she was a little girl or a teenager. I know the feeling, to me it was the same.

After a while, she turns around and walks toward me. _Mm, what now?_

"Have you read them all?"

"No. But I've read most of them."

"Did you buy them, or did someone assist you in the selection of the books?"

"I bought them, someone assisted me organizing them in here. Why the interrogation Anastasia?"

"You are here too Christian, and this room is full of color because of the books, full of stories. It's a shame you don't use this library too much."

 _What?_ "How do you know?"

"There is just one armchair here, and it's still new, you haven't used it." She points to the stuffed armchair that I have placed next to the window.

"Maybe I bought it recently."

"Did you?"

I roll my eyes. "No. I read in my study."

"See? It's a shame."

Let's see how she reacts. "I want you to have this library, Anastasia."

"What?"

"My library, a gift, for you."

"No, this is your library."

"Why not? Don't you like it?"

"I love it Christian, but these are your books, the ones you have chosen. Our libraries are part of us, like specific paths we make through the years."

She embraces me and her scent envelops me too. "You love books, like me. I'm happy we have that in common." Then she looks up at me. "You can't give me your books Christian, but you can share them with me."

"Not just the books Anastasia, the whole room, I want to give you the whole room."

She chuckles. "This's not something I can stuff inside my backpack."

"I know, but you could come here whenever you want, to work, to read, to take a book. I already told Andrea to put a desk here for you."

Her face shows seriousness all of a sudden, she frowns. I know what that means, it's the stubborn look. Okay, let's face this one and then to my study.

"I don't understand."

"You don't need an invitation to come here, this room is yours too. As you said, we will share it."

"While we are together?"

"And after."

"After? Do you expect me to come here to read while you are in the company of other women?"

 _Shit, this woman's brain_. "Anastasia, I want to think that after you leave me, you will come back at least for my books."

"I'm sick and tired of the 'you will leave me' nonsense. You are the one setting deadlines and limits, not me."

 _What the hell happened?_ "Don't talk to me like that Anastasia."

She closes her eyes as if counting, and lowers her tone of voice. "I'm sorry… Christian, if you think that at some point you will get tired of me, you don't need to worry. When the moment comes you just have to tell me and I'll go that minute. I don't like drama, I already told you. But stop speaking in my name."

"Anastasia, I know what I'm talking about, it's always the same." I rake my hands through my hair in frustration.

"Always the same? How many relationships like this have you had?"

 _She's the only one._ "None."

"Well, I have news for you. The future is uncertain for every single couple, no one ever knows how long a relationship will last. What is different is the attitude toward the relationship, if you want it to last or not. You don't want this to last, you, not me."

"No, I have news for you. I'm anxious, controlling, impatient, intolerant. I enjoy punishing small brunettes like you, and because I can't punish you I will explode at some point, and it'll be ugly. That's how I know you will be the one leaving, there is no way someone like you will accept that for a long period of time."

"Do you want to punish me right now?"

"Yes, you are being disrespectful." _And I'm mad as hell_.

Suddenly, she takes my hand and leads me to the armchair, making me sit and sitting in my lap. I remain immobile as her arms slip around my head, and her lips find mine, coaxing a kiss from me. My hands slide up her back until I'm cradling her head, returning her passion, totally confused, surrendering to her affection. Then she whispers in my ear. "I have news for you. You're good and kind and caring and sexy. That's why I'm here. Not because I signed a contract with you, but because you make me happy, you make me feel special and cherished."

I sigh. "You make me happy too."

"Oh, I know."

A smile finds its way to my mouth, Anastasia's magic. "How do you know?"

She stares up at me with sincere blue eyes. "Your smiles tell me so." _Right, my uncontrolled smiles when Anastasia is around, like now_.

"Christian. Do you still want to punish me?"

"No and yes." I sigh again. _What is she doing to me?_

"You need to tell me."

"What?"

"The moment you want to punish me, you need to tell me. There must be other ways to deal with that urge, don't get frustrated, not with me." She hugs me tightly and the strange feeling invades me again. This time I can't fight it back, I just stroke her silky hair drowning on her scent, unable to think. _What did I do to have a sweet and talented girl like her in my life_?

"I have some work to do, I'll let you here. Please, Anastasia, make yourself at home."

"Work? But it's almost eleven."

"Still early for me." I kiss her forehead. "No more than one hour, I promise."

…

One hour later I can't find Anastasia. Panic seizes me. I checked the library, the kitchen, the living room. Maybe she thought about our conversation and decided that she deserves better. _No, not without saying goodbye_.

I dash to my bedroom, the bed is empty and full-blown anxiety erupts in my chest. _No, she can't have gone!_ _She said I make her happy._ Upstairs, she must be in her bedroom. I take the stairs three at a time and pause, breathless, outside her bedroom door. She's in there, sleeping. _Oh, thank God._

I climb into the bed, covering us both with the duvet and embracing her. I kiss her hair feeling grateful. _Thanks for staying with me Anastasia_. She's right, if I don't want her to leave, then I should stop acting like she is about to do it.

…

…

APOV.

All is dark around, I'm trapped and can't move, there is something sticky holding me prisoner. Is it a spider web? _Oh God, if there's a giant spider web... then there must be a giant spider. Did I just shrink?_ While I'm puzzling over this, the whole web jiggles, making me freeze. I recognize the spider immediately, it's _Paul_ , with eight legs and gigantic pincers clicking noisily. I'm paralyzed, not that I can move but if I could I'd still be here. He gets closer and I react, struggle, but the sticky web entangles me more firmly.

"Anastasia." _Who is that?_ There is a beautiful butterfly fluttering around me, the greens and blues on his winds distract me for a second. "No, you will get caught too, fly away." The butterfly lands on me, it's Christian, he's kissing me, distracting me while he cuts the threads. "You are free now, sweet girl, go and be happy."

I fly to the stars, free to rise above the limitations of my past, free to search out beyond the clouds. _Wait, where is he, where is Christian_. Oh no, he's the one trapped now, but the spider is different, it's not Paul anymore, someone else, a woman. "Christian!" "No, Anastasia, leave me, I want you to live." Oh, Christian, I won't leave you. "Whatever happens to you, I will share your fate."

The spider continues to crawl down toward us. I try to set him free, but his wings are completely cemented to the web. I hug Christian tightly and feel the heat of the spider on my back, it's burning me. It wakes me. _A dream_.

Christian's heat is suffocating. He's fast asleep, holding me close, one of his legs thrown over and hooked around both of mine. _What a strange dream!_ But I know what it means, it was way too clear, too symbolic. I caress his cheek. _My beautiful butterfly_. I wonder if I should tell him.

He nuzzles the top of my head, inhaling deeply as he wakes. "Good morning, Anastasia." We have slept together four times, but this is the first time we wake up like this. "Good morning, Christian." Suddenly he is over me, kissing me with passion and desperation, like in the spider web. _Was he dreaming about the same? This's not normal._

He strokes his nose against mine, bearing his weight on his elbows. "Next time, go to my bedroom. I have condoms there. We could make the morning more interesting." He notices my wide-eyed reaction and smiles a sexy smile. "Shower with me."

Is this a request or a command? _That's like level 5 of intimacy, jeez, can I do that?_ "Yes." I whisper, and he grabs my hand, leading me out of the bedroom, downstairs, into his bedroom and his bathroom. He peels the T-shirt off me and stands back to study my body. "Anastasia, you were naked under my T-shirt all this time!" I blush miserably; the bastard has me where he wants, time to stop this.

"So?"

"So many lost opportunities."

 _Oh my… Who am I fooling?_ Christian always shocks me. Turning around I walk to the shower switching it on. I step into the cascading water, holding my face up to the warm torrent. Oh yes, I love his shower, I could live in this enormous bathroom.

After a few seconds, Christian is with me in the shower, wearing just his bad boy smile. _Mm, what is he up to?_ He puts something next to the body wash and reaches for the shampoo starting to wash his hair. _What is that? A condom! How?_ You can't use those in the shower. Well, he's the sexpert, not me.

He starts washing my hair, massaging my scalp, and I succumb. Hmm, this feels good, so good, he knows how to do it. _Aha, so he knows how to do it!_

"Can I wash your body, Anastasia?"

 _Level 5? This's level 10 at least._ "Okay, but only if you let me do the same for you." My words startle him, he frowns.

"You have washed other women, but nobody had corresponded?"

"No. You will be the first one." His soft smile melts me, the bad boy is not here anymore and I feel more at ease, I have more or less leveled the bar.

I decide to use the washcloth, I know it'd be uncomfortable for him if I use my hands and I want him to enjoy this.

And we do it, we enjoy each other as usual, with jokes, smiles, kisses; learning about the things we like, getting to know our bodies, connecting at every level, reaching the climax as if we were just one person.

…

In our way to Grey House, we are grinning at each other like a couple of love-struck teenagers. I guess it's the deep intimacy what has us like this, moving forward in our relationship so fast, so intensely. He bites my little finger and winks while I giggle remembering his mischievous behavior in the shower.

Abruptly my phone rings, it's Kate.

"Kate… Ethan? Oh my God, Ethan. Where are you? How are you?"

"Really? Of course, I'll see you tonight, I'm so happy you came back."

I haven't seen Kate's brother in a year, he was in Paris studying Psychology but we occasionally texted each other. The three of us had shared good times.

The change on Christian's face is obvious. "Who the hell is Ethan?" His voice is menacingly soft.

 _Jeez,_ _he's on the jealous side_. I unbuckle my seatbelt, reach across, and clamber into his lap, taking him completely by surprise. Wrapping my arms around his head, I speak slowly. "Ethan is Kate's brother. He's just arrived from Paris and Kate is organizing a dinner in his honor tonight. He's a good friend. I'd like you to come with me and meet him."

"I'm not good with people, you know I don't make friends."

"Oh Christian, you'll be with me. Come on, I already met your family and Ethan is like a cousin to me. Think of it like meeting my family."

He drags his hand through his hair thinking. I feel disappointed, he doesn't want to be with me tonight, he doesn't want that sort of commitment. Everything was so perfect two minutes ago, but I guess this is the reality.

I go back to my spot, buckle my seatbelt, and look out the window. "Don't feel obliged, Christian. I'd really like to be there with you, but I totally understand. And if you don't want to go, I don't want you there."

He grabs my hand, but I can't face an apology right now. I feel some tears threatening their way out, so I keep looking at the people on the street, rushing to their offices, companies, shops, marketplaces, banks...

"Don't be childish Anastasia, it's not that I don't want to go with you. It makes me nervous to think of a situation like that."

"Then don't go."

He unbuckles my seatbelt and sits me on his legs, stroking my hair softly.

"Anastasia, look at me."

I frown, that way he won't notice. "What?" I snap at him.

Kissing my knuckles he chuckles softly. Why is he amused with my frustration? "I'll go."

"You don't have to."

"I know. I'll go because I want to be with you. If that requires a little social exchange, well, I'll do it." He kisses my forehead tenderly and my irritation melts away.

I hug him. "You'll be fine."

The day goes by quickly; to spend it reading the manuscripts is amazing. I really love this assignment, and the authors did a very good job, I'm working hard on the reports because it will be difficult to choose. At noon someone knocks at my door.

"Come in."

It's blonde number one. I stand up confused. "Miss Steele, Mr. Grey is having a lunch meeting. He asked me to bring you something to eat. I hope you don't mind, I ordered the same you asked for last week, Cesar salad and Iced tea."

"It's more than fine, thank you…"

"Olivia."

"Thank you, Olivia. Call me Ana."

"Ana. I'm so happy Mr. Grey has a girlfriend. He's been in such a good mood since you visited him last week. He's more tolerant with us." She smiles.

"Oh, but I'm not his girlfriend."

"Really? That's odd, Mr. Grey looks so happy every time he mentions you. I'm sorry if I was disrespectful."

"It's Okay."

After she leaves I sit down shocked by Olivia's comment. _He's been in a better mood since I was there last Monday!_ I know why she is thanking me, Christian in a better mood is something to be grateful for. I roll my eyes. _Intimidating boss, shaking his whip at his many blondes_.

…

At night, I'm nervous waiting for him. This is a challenge at so many levels, for both of us. I'm wearing a dress, I know he likes dresses and I want him to feel comfortable with me tonight. After all, he's making an effort for me. "Ana, I can't wait to meet the famous Mr. Grey." Ethan is teasing me since I mention Christian, he didn't like that I can't define our relationship, but I told him we just met less than three weeks ago _. Jeez, it's been hardly any time at all_. Yet I feel like I've known Christian for a lifetime.

"Hey, my man is a Grey too." Kate frowns at us.

"But he's is not THE Mr. Grey of Seattle, Kate."

We are preparing the table, Kate has bought all kind of mini sandwiches and chips. I know her objective is to create a relaxed environment to introduce Elliot to her older brother. She's nervous too and I can't understand why, Elliot and Ethan have very similar characters and they are always in good mood.

"Please don't make comments like that in front of him."

"Calm down Ana, we will be nice to your friend, and I'll be too busy teasing Kate's Grey."

One by one the guests arrive. Our living room is crowded, twelve persons in total including Elliot. He's being as nice as usual, connecting immediately with Ethan, as I predicted. "Hey Ana, how is my little bro doing?"

"He said he will come tonight Elliot."

"Really? You're having quite an effect on him, Ana." _Am I?_ Elliot is the second person that tells me this today. _Then it must be true_.

At half past nine Christian shows up and my soul lights up. He looks so handsome in his informal outfit, not looking the CEO he is. He greets Kate and shakes hands with Elliot, who introduces him to Ethan. I'm dumbfounded by the warm expression on his face, he hands Kate a bottle of champagne surely very expensive.

I make my way toward him and when he sees me, he grins, gray eyes twinkling. Christian enfolds me in an embrace that says far more than any words he could ever speak, kissing my hair, and then kissing my mouth briefly. Elliot's lower jaw is on the floor, I guess it's the first time he has seen his brother in such a display of affection.

"I'm so happy you are here."

"Anything for you, Anastasia. But I have to be honest, I'm planning a visit to Miss Steele tonight." He murmurs these words in my ear, and I feel all my body blushing from toe to head, a whole new level of blushing.

After a few seconds, the equilibrium returns to me and I wrap my arms around his neck accepting the challenge. "Oh, Mr. Grey, she's been asking for you. I think you left quite an impression."

Chuckling he takes me to the kitchen. "I'm hungry, what do you have?"

"I made lasagna for Ethan. I guess he doesn't mind to share a portion with you."

He raises one eyebrow. "You cooked for him and not for me?"

"I don't cook for people Christian, but I inherited one or two recipes from my grandmother. The lasagna is one of them, and Ethan always asks for it."

Elliot materializes out of nowhere and sits next to Christian. "Hey, I knew those mini sandwiches were for the plebeians, the royalty is having a feast here. Come on Ana, share that delicacy with your brother in law." _What did he say?_ Now is my lower jaw the one on the floor, but Christian is grinning at Elliot's words, enjoying my astonished expression. He winks and I roll my eyes. How come I ended up taking care of both Greys? I serve my lasagna to the brothers and take a sit to enjoy the show. Mm, like two big children, laughing at each other, stealing food from each other's plates; Grace and Carrick had a hard time with these two when they were younger, that's for sure.

Everybody leaves to continue the party at some famous bar on the other side of the city, and Christian and I stay here. Surprisingly, he helps me to clean and take the garbage out of the apartment. He looks so domestic, it's a novelty. I giggle, domestic Christian, I like this one, I need his phone number.

He goes to the kitchen and takes the Champagne out of the fridge. "Your friend forgot my gift, we should take advantage. I want to spoil my dear Miss Steele. Where is she?"

I smile, amused and aroused at the same time. _Ah, his calmed, soft commands, I want that_.

"She is in my bedroom."

He grabs the bottle, two glasses and pushes me to my bedroom. "Lead the way Anastasia, but stay out, Miss Steele and I need privacy."

…

…

CPOV.

The week has flown by in a blissful blur and it's already Friday. Anastasia and I have been together every night, and I know it would be impossible for me to sleep without her warmness, without her scent. I'm so attuned to her body, as if it were my own.

This's my last meeting today and I feel anxious. It's a waste of time, I already told them what to do and my team has all the documents ready, so I don't know why we are discussing this again. There's a knock at the door and Taylor enters to the conference room. His face looks grim, but what's more worrying is that he never, ever interrupts my meetings. My scalp prickles.

"Sir. We've got a situation on the 16th floor."

 _Anastasia_. I quickly stand up and go to the hallway with Taylor.

"What is it, Taylor?"

"A police inspector is on his way here, Sir. There is a visitor on the 16th floor, Mr. Hyde, claiming that Miss Steele has attacked him, he wants to press charges against her."

"Where is Anastasia? How is she?"

"She is fine Sir. Shocked but fine. Someone from security is with her in the conference room."

I rush toward the elevator, desperate to see that Anastasia is really fine. "Andrea, I want the whole Legal Department on the 16th floor, NOW."

 _Shit, the tigress._ If that fucker unleashed the tigress is because he threatened and cornered her. I gaze at myself in the mirror, a pale and haunted ghost stares back at me. _If something happens to her..._


	20. Harassment

Chap. 20 Harassment.

APOV.

My shaking hands remind me that I need to calm down. _I need to focus, I need to focus_. This has happened before, I shouldn't be this nervous, I know to be nervous won't help me, it'll cloud my mind.

The door bursts open and Christian enters, making a signal to the security guard with his head, so we can be alone. I stand up.

"Christian!"

He grabs me by the shoulders, holding me at arm's length as he searches my face. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

Then he lets go off me and walks to the other side of the table, sitting in front of me. That's weird, but I sit too.

"What the hell happened, Anastasia?" He's fuming, he's mad at me, really mad. _Oh no, mercurial man_. "You said you will let me know if you weren't able to handle this. YOU PROMISED."

"Hey, don't shout at me, what's your problem?"

"My problem is that you keep making promises, just to break them one minute later. How am I supposed to trust in you now?" He's glaring at me, his gray eyes blazing.

"I thought I could handle him. I didn't lie." Now I'm mad. How dare he? I need his support and he's being hostile.

"Obviously you couldn't, Anastasia. The police are coming here right now."

"Of course. I called them."

"What?"

"I called them, I was attacked and called the police."

"He says he called the police."

"Of course he's saying that, he's trying to get away with it."

Christian remains in silence for a while. "Why didn't you report him? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was just one meeting Christian. I made it clear I wasn't interested. He just showed up an hour ago in my office and tried to… I didn't have the opportunity to report this."

"Yes, you did have the opportunity last Monday, I remember your face, you should have reported this last Monday. I employ over forty thousand people, Anastasia, the Company regulations are very clear about sexual harassment. We could have avoided all this if you would have taken into account the Company regulations."

 _What?_ "The Company regulations? The Company regulations?" I stand up offended. "Fuck your fucking Company regulations. I'm the victim here, I did nothing wrong."

"Anastasia, don't talk to me like that."

"You are such a dick."

"ANASTASIA."

"You are a dick. You're accusing me of being responsible of the assault because I didn't follow some regulations." I can't stop the tears running through my cheeks, I feel so disappointed, so frustrated. "You said you're well acquainted with the female body, you know what? You are right, the body and that's it, that's your limit; you know nothing about us, nothing. Do you have any idea how many times in a year we have to stop some disrespectful move against us? No woman will report something that happens on a quotidian basis since we are kids. Tell that to the lawyers that wrote your Company regulations."

He's looking at me in shock. "We will file a report when a man doesn't get the message, we will file a report when the situation becomes extreme, and if you check the statistics you will see that most of us choose to remain in silence, or are obliged to remain in silence. He harassed, threatened, and assaulted me. I did nothing wrong."

I sit down, feeling better after venting some tension. I fold my arms on the table, letting my head sink into them. My head hurts and I feel dizzy, I need to calm down, the police will be here any minute.

His hands in my hair startle me and I jump. "Don't touch me." _He moves like a ghost_. But he doesn't listen and starts stroking my hair. "I'm sorry, Anastasia. I'm afraid something happens to you because you didn't let me help you, because you never told me what happened last Monday."

"Nothing happened last Monday, he was disrespectful and I showed him the red flag, that's all. There was no reason to think he'd be so aggressive the next time. He's been drinking, don't let him escape or I won't have that on my side."

There is a knock at the door and Christian opens it to a couple of men. _Oh no, the lawyers_. The police will be here too late, they'll discourage me like the other time.

"Mr. Grey, Miss Steele."

"Who are you?"

"Anastasia, they are from the Legal Department, they are here to help."

I remain in silence. They are here to help the Company, not me.

"Miss Steele. We talked with Mr. Hyde. He won't press charges against you if you agree to forget this incident."

"I won't forget this incident."

"What happened, Miss Steele?" _Mm, we should have started with that question_.

"He sexually assaulted me. I called the police."

"Why didn't you call security first?"

"I called security so he doesn't escape. Then I called the police."

"Why the police?"

"Because this is not a case of hostile work environment, this's a case of sexual assault. The police should be in charge."

"They are already here but Mr. Hyde is waiting for your decision. We could avoid all this Miss Steele. It's your word against his, and he is the one with the broken nose."

"Just the nose?"

"Miss Steele, this is serious."

"You don't say. How many times have you been pinned against a wall, while someone is touching you without your consent? I know how serious this is."

"Why the hostility, Miss Steele? We are here to help you."

"Then help me. I'm denouncing the bastard so he has police records, he's dangerous."

"The thing is, Miss Steele, that you will end up with police records too."

"I don't care."

"Do you realize how this will affect your future?"

"I do. I already have sleeping problems at night because last time I've been through something like this, some lawyers discouraged me and I didn't denounce the professor that assaulted me, he walked away clean. One year later he assaulted another student and the police didn't believe her because his police records were clean, his records at the University were clean. So, I realize how this will affect my future, I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I don't press charges."

"Carl, she said she's denouncing him, and that's what you are here for. Help her."

"But, Mr. Grey, the best solution is…"

"Carl, she was clear."

"Very well. In that case Mr. Grey, we need you to leave the room while the detective interrogates her. We'll probably end up at the police station to file the report. And we need to know the nature of your relationship with Miss Steele."

Christian smirks and I know why. The nature of his relationship with Miss Steele… I hope he doesn't tell the lawyers what he did to Miss Steele last Tuesday in my bedroom. _Jeez, the sheets were a mess_. I guess if I'm thinking about this and he's smirking, we are more relaxed.

"Yes, we are involved in a relationship, Carl. What does that have to do with all this?"

"Well, Mr. Grey, Mr. Hyde doesn't know but the police will find out sooner or later. We need to know how to handle this."

"Mr. Grey and I see each other occasionally, nothing serious. It's been just a couple of weeks and it's irrelevant at the moment."

"Anastasia…"

"Please Christian, let's finish with this, my head hurts."

"I'll send you an aspirin. Carl, do the best you can."

"Don't worry, Mr. Grey."

And with that, he leaves the room. I don't feel better, I need him holding my hand but he's the owner of this huge Company and I don't want this to become a problem for his image. One of the lawyers leaves the room too and this Carl looks intently at me, studying my face.

"You are a brave girl Miss Steele, but I'm worried you don't have enough evidence."

Glen enters and hands me an aspirin and a glass of water. "Ana, I have Elizabeth Morgan from SIP on the phone. She says it's urgent, about Mr. Hyde."

"Should I, Mr.…?"

"Smith. And yes, let's hear what she has to say."

I put the phone on speaker.

-Hello? This is Miss Steele.

+Miss Steele hello, my name's Elizabeth Morgan, I'm head of Human Resources at SIP.

-I'm filing a police report against Mr. Hyde for sexual assault.

+We know. We want to encourage you to do it. Listen to me; we are on our way to the police station with evidence against him. We have been gathering evidence for almost eight months.

-We?

+Yes Miss Steele, we. We also have the video of your last meeting at SIP, which will help you to establish your victim's condition. He's very skilled, be careful.

-Thank you.

+Oh, we heard you kicked his ass and broke his nose. Thank YOU, Miss Steele.

I'm utterly surprised and Carl is smiling at me. "It seems you have new admirers, let's finish with this so you can enjoy your weekend."

…

Out of the police station, I decide to take a walk, I need to sit in the Sun and I know where. In the park, I sit on a bench enjoying the songs of the birds and the laughs of children. Here I can feel there are joy and happiness in the world, happiness that we need to protect from bastards like Jack Hyde. _And Paul, but you never did anything against that one_. My inner judge always ready to remind me the best of my life. At least I did something against this one.

The fact that those women helped me makes me feel ashamed of myself. I've never helped the other girls, I've never moved one finger for them. And yet, these women decided it was time to take out all the evidence against Jack Hyde to help me. They were doing it eventually, but they wanted to gather more.

Suddenly, Christian sits next to me.

"What? How?" He smirks. "Right. Don't tell me." His James Bond's, very illegal ways to track me down.

He puts his arm around my shoulder and I can't help it. My body leans into him and I rest my head on his shoulder. Between the comfort of his touch and the peacefulness of the place, I feel a sense of contentment passing through me. This's my natural place, inside Christian's embrace. I think we stayed like this about half an hour before he breaks the moment.

"Anastasia, you're neither occasional nor irrelevant for me. I want you to know that."

My chest is squeezed by a huge emotion. His words make me so happy, I don't know what to say.

"I'm happy to hear that Christian."

"I need to know how you feel about me, Anastasia. I don't know why, but I really need to know. I didn't like what you said to Carl."

"Oh, Christian." I sit up and look directly into his eyes, I need to see his reaction. It's like in that story when the protagonist has to tell the king that someone died without using the word. I need to tell him that I love him without using the word love. I don't care about the word, it's just a word, what is important is the content of it.

"I feel the same; you are neither occasional nor irrelevant for me. When you aren't around I feel empty and anxious. When you are next to me I feel complete, I feel at home. Your presence lightens up everything inside me, my heart, my mind, my whole body."

He smiles. "It's the same for me, Anastasia." _Mm, is called love Christian_.

"Do you love me, Christian?"

His seriousness, oh yes, his seriousness tells me I was so freaking right. He runs his hand through his hair. "Well, Anastasia. I don't know anything about love, I don't think I'm capable of that."

I sit on his lap and hug him. "Don't worry Christian. If you feel what I just described, that's enough for me." He hugs me back and we remain like this for a long time, my head resting in the hollow of his neck, he stroking my hair, both oblivious to the people in the park. We don't care about anybody else right now, we are alone in the world, we and our unnamed love.


	21. Pictures

Chap 21. Pictures.

APOV.

My phone rings and I sit on the bench. It's Ray. "Hi, dad!" Christian looks at me with curiosity.

+Annie, I need to go to Seattle tomorrow, a work meeting. Would you like to have lunch with your old man after that? You said you wanted to visit, but…

-Of course dad. I know a nice place, you'll like it.

+Then see you tomorrow Annie.

-See you dad, love you.

My dad, like Christian, can't tell me he loves me, even though he had made it clear numerous occasions. Maybe the common believe that a woman looks for the father in men is true.

"Your father?"

"Mhm. He's having lunch with me tomorrow."

He drags his hand through his hair nervously and I can't contain my chuckle. "Don't get nervous, you are not invited. I want to be alone with him." Now he looks hurt, who understand human beings? "Please Christian, don't misunderstand me, I haven't seen my father in three months. I need to catch up with him. You can meet him next time, if you're interested of course. Are you, Christian?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I'm curious and I'd like to know more about you. Do you think we'll get along?"

"Mm, you are from different planets. He's a carpenter, ex-army, he says a man must use his hands or will lose his brain. If you want to meet him start thinking what to say to that."

He grabs me and takes me back to his lap. "You know my hands are pretty skilled."

I blush smiling. "Mhm. Tell him that with your running shoes on."

"Tough guy who raced a tough girl."

That thought is bittersweet. "Yeah, he taught me well. That didn't save me, though, but he doesn't know. He can't know, Christian."

Frowning, Christian studies my face. Why are there always people studying my face? _Because you can be read_. I need to close the book my face is.

"You never mentioned that something happened to you at the University."

I couldn't help but bite the bottom of my lip. "Nothing happened. It was a handsy professor that crossed the line, but he deserved to be reported and fired." I smile devilishly remembering. "Kate took care of him when that student reported the incident, and she was treated as some crazy girl by the authorities. The student newspaper can be very useful if you have Kate's brain."

Okay, we are getting serious. "Don't you ever shout at me again. I needed you and you were on the other side of the table, not just physically." I earn a cold look.

"Anastasia, it's not the first time you assure me everything is fine, and then I discover you were in danger. You have no idea how that makes me feel." _The bar!_ I can't see his point.

"You're an adult Christian, you can't get carried away by the first emotion that crosses your mind. I needed you, and you were on the other side."

A menacingly soft voice answers me. "I could say the exact same thing to you and believe me, I didn't get carried away." Christian closes his eyes as if counting and gathering patience. "I apologized, you didn't."

"Why should I apologize?"

Lowering even more his voice he stares at me. "Anastasia, my security team informed me, you didn't. Where am I in your universe that you didn't think of me? Nor Monday neither today."

Now I see his point, he cares about me and I didn't take him into account. I lower my head. "I didn't want to worry you."

"It worries me more to know that you won't call me, that you won't let me be there for you." He pushes me to the bench and shakes his head. "How am I supposed to keep you safe if you don't trust me?"

"Keep me safe? That's not your responsibility, Christian."

He grabs my face with both hands. "That's inevitable, I need to know you are safe, I need to know I can keep you safe. You have to accept it, that's just part of being with me."

He is talking from the depths of his soul, I can see it in his eyes. He couldn't protect someone; he lost someone violently. _His birth mother, shit_.

My hands over his hands soften the expression on his face. "I get it, Christian. I'm sorry, you will be the first one to know something is wrong next time." Let's hope _next time_ is very far in the future.

My phone rings again, it's Kate. "Kate, hi."

+Steele, I'm texting you an address, you need to come here immediately.

-What is it Kate?

+It's José. Did you authorize him to sell pictures of you?

-What? No, of course not.

+Then come here as fast as you can. Bring that super powerful boyfriend with you.

 _Come on! Give me a break, please, life_. I need to explain to the Gods that far in the future doesn't mean two minutes later. _Jeez_.

My phone buzzes, must be the message. "Christian, I need to get going." He frowns, I have a promise to fulfill. "José is selling pictures of me and I didn't authorize that."

His eyes wide wildly. "Pictures? What kind of pictures?"

"No, no, we never did that, not that I know." I frown, I've heard some stories. No, José wouldn't dare, and he's an artist. He did take pictures of me but the 'normal' ones, and they were for his screensaver, that's what he said. _Screensaver my ass!_

…

…

CPOV.

The gallery looks expensive and important, this José must be well represented if he got a place like this. We turn the corner and then I see my girl's pictures hanging on the far wall of the gallery, seven huge portraits: pouting, laughing, scowling... All in super close up, all in black and white except for her blue eyes. _So beautiful_. But so wrong this boy is selling them without her permission, she wasn't even aware these pictures existed, her face makes it clear.

The Kavanaghs are with us in a second. They greet us and the boy starts analyzing me; _what is his fucking problem_? I know he's not a boy, he must be my age.

"Ana, what do you want to do, will you agree with this or not?"

"No Kate, I can't see why someone would pay for those pictures, but if it happens, I don't want some stranger ogling me in the privacy of his home."

"Okay. Let's go, my father's lawyer is here, we have a meeting with José at the owner's office."

"Christian, please, wait here with Ethan." Ethan smirks at me. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of a discussion with Miss Stubborn, so I agree and watch her while living. Well, she's not in danger here, she is with Kavanagh and her lawyer. _And the asshole!_

"Don't worry, Ana has a strong personality."

"I know."

"She's been through a lot." Mm, he's weighing me.

"I know, four years ago." Now he looks surprised.

"She told you?"

I nod slowly. Where is he going with this?

He sighs and a trace of sadness flashes across his face. "You must be very important for her. I still remember the day Kate brought her home, she was so scared, so skinny, so pale. Yet, she never missed a class, not even one, and three weeks later she got a job."

So, it was her friend who helped her to escape from his claws. A good friend after all.

"He came for her a couple of times, you know? I had to go to his apartment with my father's lawyers to scare him. She doesn't know, of course, we never told her he was stalking her. Apparently, that was enough and he forgot about Ana, left her alone."

That worries me. He could be out there, still stalking her.

"Do you think she could be in danger?"

He frowns with concern. "I don't think so, he disappeared from her life more than three years ago. If you notice something strange let me know, I love Ana and shudder to think something bad happens to her."

I still, all my body tensing. _What the hell?_ But he smirks and takes a step backward. "Yeah Grey, you're not the only one. Don't worry, we love her as part of the family. I'll be watching, though."

Nor an untrusting father neither a jealous brother, I got her friend's warning. "I appreciate your concern, but now she's gotten me."

"It's not your call, Grey."

Suddenly a couple of men start taking the pictures down. Anastasia and her friend walk toward us smiling, an indication that all went well. I pass my arm over her shoulders and kiss her hair, it's been a tough day and she looks tired. I hope she doesn't have a nightmare tonight. Katherine narrows her eyes, "I'll go back to work Ana, I'm covering this Art Gallery opening. What about a drink later? I haven't seen you in days, I miss you."

Anastasia steps out of my embrace and hugs her friend. "Kate, it's been a long day, I'm too tired. And tomorrow Ray is coming to Seattle. What about next week?"

"I'm covering a hotel inauguration in Barbados next week."

"Wow!"

"Yes, wow. As soon as I come back I'll call you. Say hi from me to Ray."

"Wait Kate, can I ask you a huge favor?" Anastasia looks nervously at me. Mm, what does she have in mind? She whispers something in her friend's ear.

"Of course Ana, I'll finish her." They both exchange a malicious expression. _Oh yes, vindictive Anastasia, someone is going down tonight_. I finally understand why these two are best friends.

"Christian, can you take me to my apartment? It's getting cold and I need a shower." _Her apartment?_ I want her in my penthouse, with me.

"Christian Grey?" A photographer from the Seattle Times startles us. "Can I have a picture, sir?"

A picture with Anastasia? In all my pictures I'm alone, I've always been very careful to avoid speculations. Anastasia takes a step back and that's all I need to make the decision, I want to be immortalized with my sweet girl.

"Sure." I grab her hand and pull her to my side. The photographer looks at both of us and can't hide his surprise. He snaps a couple of photos. "Mr. Grey and Miss . . . ?"

"Steele," I reply. "Miss Steele."

"Thank you sir."

She seems in shock. "Christian, what did you do?"

I circle her in my arms and whisper softly in her ear. "I wanted a picture with Miss Steele, she is such a good girl." She blushes and I can't contain my smile. Then I see her, a girl looking at us with so much disdain, like she's eaten something nasty and bitter.

"Anastasia, there is a girl staring at us, short black hair, brown eyes, red dress."

"That bitch!"

"Anastasia, calm down!" I can't stop smiling, I've never seen her like this. "Do you want her to turn green?"

Anastasia hugs me around my waist, a wicked grin on her face. "Please, Christian, green and orange."

"We aim to please, baby."

I sweep her off her feet, dipping her in a dramatic hold so that her hair touches the ground as I kiss her hard. Her mouth, her tongue, her scent, her fingers in my hair. Anastasia drives me crazy, it feels like a hurricane destroying every single barrier inside me.

…

…

APOV.

He breaks off the kiss panting, eyes luminous, firing the already heated blood that is pounding through my body. My mouth is slack as I try to drag precious air into my lungs.

"I need you, Anastasia," he whispers, his forehead pressed against mine.

"I need you, too." And as I say the words, I am struck by how true they are. I cannot imagine being without Christian, ever. From the corner of my eye I can see Carmen's face, bright yellow. But I don't care anymore, all I can think of is what I want to do to Christian. I know Kate will 'finish' her mercilessly.

I whisper in his ear. "I want you... now."

He beams at me, then get serious all of a sudden, his eyes darkening with desire. "I want you too, let's go or I will fuck you right here in this gallery."

 _Oh God, right here, please_. Before I know it, Christian is dragging me out of the building. "There is a hotel, lets go."

The Ballard Hotel is conveniently in front of the Art Gallery. As I stand beside him at the reception desk, I feel utterly, utterly ridiculous. Here I am, in one prestigious hotel without luggage, so everybody knows what we are here for. Christian hasn't stop caressing my hand with his thumb. He pays and signs the form without breaking our connection.

"You're in the Courtyard Suite, Mr. Grey, fifth floor." The girl looks at me with envy and condescension, I smirk. _This Asgardian-vampire God will be mine tonight sweetheart, so you can give me all the nasty looks you want, he'll suck my blood and I will eat him alive_. I blush at my inappropriate thoughts, who is this inside my head?

In the elevator he tugs my hand unexpectedly and I am in his arms. He grabs the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling gently so my head tips back. "You own me, Anastasia, I can't think clearly when you are next to me, my fate is in your hands."

 _Oh my!_

His words are intoxicating and make me remember what I said to the butterfly in my dream. "Your fate is my fate, Christian." And in one nanosecond we are all hands and mouths and moans. "Fuck, Anastasia, I don't have a condom." "I do, I have two in my bag." He looks amused. _Yes, Christian, now I go to work with condoms in my bag, guilty_.

The elevator door opens. Christian lifts me in his arms taking me to the suite, but we can't make it to the bed, everything happens next to the door, fortunately on the right side of the wall.

I'm lost in Christian and I can feel he's lost in me. We are all _Christian_ , and _Anastasia_ , and _yes_ , and _fuck_ , and _aah_ , and _you're mine_ , and _yes I'm yours_ , and _move in with me,_ and... _WHAT?_ I stare at him in disbelieve, but he gives me his shy smile and I can't help it. "Okay."

His gray eyes burn into mine while he recovers the rhythm, I stare back at him. Pulling his hair with both hands I follow his rhythm until I'm the one leading; his breathing becomes more erratic. "That's right, baby." I don't know if it is the episode with Hyde, the discussion with Christian, the lawyers, the police, or José's disrespect, but I need this. I need to see him surrendering to my intense yearning, my longing, my hunger for him, surrendering to the urgency of my desire. We come apart together, eyes open, mouths open, the world a blurry place that doesn't matter anymore. I'm moving in with Christian Grey.


	22. Necessary conversations

Chap. 22 Necessary conversations.

APOV.

"Anastasia… Anastasia."

"I'm sorry, I was…" I sigh. _What a day!_

We're both in our bathrobes, lying in the bed, looking at each other. The suite is a novelty to me, luxury everywhere I look. It overwhelms me, like a bad omen.

"Are you okay?"

He's worrying again. Actually, if I met this man is because he worried for me, it's part of his nature. _Or maybe it's the effect I have on him_.

"Yes, I needed that shower, I feel better now. Are we going to sleep here?"

"It's up to you, I'd stay. Taylor can bring us clothes in the morning." He's stroking my hair tenderly. _So sweet, is he even aware?_ He always refers to himself in a negative way. Well, I've never been fond of delaying necessary conversations, and this's like a neutral place, we should do this here.

"So… you want me to move in with you."

He stills, but after a few seconds resumes stroking my hair. "Yes."

"Would you like to talk about that?"

"Do I really have a choice?"

"No."

His chuckle lightens the moment.

"Don't take this conversation as a backward step, but we are two… ehh… peculiar adults that need to clarify a few things if we want this to work."

"I agree, but on one condition."

"One condition?"

He smiles. "Give me your hand."

I sit up and he follows suit, grabbing my extended hand. "Okay… I'm all ears." I realize that now he is the one holding hands through conversations, he's definitively changing.

Taking a deep breath I start. "Christian, in my opinion we know very little about each other, we aren't even a real couple yet. I'm not talking about tea or coffee in the afternoon, I'm talking about our political positions, religious identities, unattractive habits." He smiles. "And we have challenges ahead regarding sexual preferences. That worries me the most. I know it sounds too rational but… It's a huge step."

"I'm aware of all that."

"Really? Do you realize you haven't seen me with my period since we met?" His eyes widen alarmed and his back straightens. "Not because I'm pregnant, but because we have known each other for what? Three weeks? Less? I become insufferable when my period starts, you don't even know that."

He squeezes my hand smiling. "Anastasia, you're right, this won't be a rational step, I guess my emotions are involved… Look, we can get to know each other with the time. I need more of us in my life, I want you as close as you can be."

This is what I wanted to hear, but not exactly. "Emotions? Okay, let's talk about emotions, Christian."

He freezes, he knows where I'm going. "Why would I move in with a man that I barely know? Why?" Christian is immobile, I don't want to use that word but he's the one proposing dramatic steps way too early. _You are the one accepting, that's worse; haven't you learned anything?_ My inner judge… judging. I shake my head knowing that she is right.

"I'll tell you why. Because I love you, Christian, I'd do it because I love you. Your presence lightens up my mind and my heart because I love you."

Now is my turn to squeeze his hand. "I feel complete and at home with you because I love you. I'd jump to the unknown embracing every single challenge it entitles because I love you, I can't help it, I can't fight it, it's just growing inside me at a dizzying speed."

He hasn't moved a muscle, the mask is on. "It's the only explanation for this irrational and illogical decision. You have to accept my feelings for you, or I won't do it. I'm sorry about the melodramatic stress, I have no other way to talk about love." I shrug my shoulders, sometimes I use too many words to express the most simple thought.

A shadow of a smile can be noticed on his face, but if I can't avoid melodramatic babbling, he can't avoid the anxiety. "As usual, you are unexpected."

"No, I'm not. Did you think I was here just for the good sex? Come on, you know me better than that."

He closes his eyes and sighs, this is all too _fast and furious_ for him. But, what was he expecting?

"I know any girl would just jump at the opportunity to live with the man she's in love with, but… I already did that Christian… and it was a disaster I'm still cleaning up." He opens his eyes giving me a stern look. "I'm not comparing you to _him_ , I'm just explaining why this's so important to me… I'm still an intern, I don't have a place of my own, all I have are student loans and books."

"I have enough money for both of us."

"You don't say!" I smile at him. "I'm not worried about scarcity, I'm worried about dependency, I know how dangerous dependency can be." The awful memories I'm referring to, fill my mind. I shake my head to get rid of them. _Not now, not now, Christian is a good man, my heart is not mistaken this time_.

Suddenly, he pushes me down to the bed and I'm trapped beneath him. "CHRISTIAN!"

"You won't be dependent, you'll have your own bank account." He's smirking, _bastard_.

I narrow my eyes but can't stop smiling. "Oh, this is all a master plan to make me accept that credit card... Don't even think about it or we'll have problems. I already have an insane and undeserved high salary that we need to discuss."

Taking his weight on his elbows he rubs his nose along mine. "It's deserved."

"Don't change the subject."

"Anastasia, I know you have a strong opinion about everything. And you are… difficult once a month. I get it." He buries his nose in my hair inhaling deeply and after a couple of seconds looks at me serious, too serious. "Stay with me. Don't worry about sexual preferences, you are my only sexual preference. It's always good because it's with you, our way. We will solve the differences one by one, our way." _Our way?_ I beam at him. He's my _mine_ and we make things _our_ way. I like how he uses possessive pronouns to describe where we are. _KEY WORD_. What? _Possessive_. This's not about that. _Denial_. Ssshhhh cricket, I'm in the middle of something.

"And?"

He sighs. "I accept it."

"What?"

He rolls his eyes. "You have feelings for me, I have feelings for you."

"I wasn't talking about your feelings."

"Yes, you were, don't underestimate me." He opens my bathrobe while kissing my neck and I'm leaving this earthly plane. Maybe I AM here for the good sex.

I whisper in his ear. "Which feeling? Love?" His smile against my neck tells me he's more at ease with the word.

"Say it, Christian… Love."

He chuckles softly.

"You said you were mine. Then I want you to say it… Love."

Gray eyes stare at me all of a sudden. "Love, my way, our way… It's your turn, what do you say, Anastasia?" His tone is soft but I detect the anxiety; that was hard for him. He's making an effort that I should value.

"Okay… I'll do it, but I need color around me, Christian, I can't live in a creepy black-and-white art gallery. We can make that together. And when my period is coming you will see a big M in the mirror, so you avoid getting scratched." He laughs, his anxiety gone.

"This weekend." _Mm, that soon? Impatient man. Is he afraid I change my mind? Or is this something else?_ Alarm bells sound in my head.

"Don't you have to talk with your expensive charlatan first?"

He raises one eyebrow. "I had a session yesterday."

"And?"

"He always says the same, 'be yourself, your new self'."

"Time to turn over the sand-clock?"

"Mhm, different words, though." He smiles and starts stroking my nose with his. I need to focus.

"Do you think this has something to do with Jack Hyde?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said you need to keep me safe, you need to know you can protect me. Well, I was in danger and a few hours later you are asking me to move in with you."

"No, I've been meaning to tell you since Monday."

"Wow, that's like… half the time we have known each other!"

He chuckles. "When is your period due?"

"Hey. Show some respect! You're not helping your case." We smile stupidly at each other.

Then I remember the most important thing, the one he said could change everything between us.

"What about the punishment issue, your control tendencies?" _Oh, and what about that awful woman?_

He sinks his head in the hollow of my neck. "Anastasia, can we not talk about that right now?"

"You know we need to, eventually."

"Mhm. Just not now. You already agreed, twice, let me celebrate." Alarm bells sound in my head again but I chose to ignore them, Christian kisses are more promising, more alluring.

…

Very early in the morning I wake up with a jolt, disorientated. _Right, the hotel_. I'm wrapped around a naked Christian Grey, he's holding me close, _he really wants me close to him_. And what the hell am I doing agreeing to this nonsense? That's the problem with romantic people, we fall in love and that's it, there goes the brain, the rationality, years of experience... Between Christian and I there isn't equilibrium, we are both romantics, even though he still doesn't recognize it. At least he's older than me, but with zero experience. Let's hope this will work. _Yeah, his way, possessive way, or is it controlling way?_ Oh, shut up, cricket of little faith! _Denial_. I'm not in denial, this's not about that.

I know what I need, or who I need. Carefully, I get out of the bed to get my phone and head to the bathroom closing the door.

-Jeez Ana, it's six in the morning.

+Kate, we need to talk, please.

-Okay, where are you?

+In front of the gallery.

-The hotel? Wow, Ana.

+Shut up, just come here.

-Give me twenty minutes.

I get ready quickly and look for a piece of paper in my bag.

 _I'm going to the lobby, I'll be back 7:40. Love you. A x_

I hope that's enough, he'll be fifteen minutes managing his anxiety and tugging his hair after reading that word, that'll give me time. I smile at the thought. _I know him, everything is going to be fine_.

A few minutes later I'm sat on an elegant brown couch with Kate, in a corner of the lobby that is hidden from curious eyes. She's sipping her coffee observing me, un-Kate style, too quiet, no KK inquisition.

"What, Kate?"

"You know… looking for you at six o'clock in the morning in a hotel, you wearing the same clothes than yesterday, your hair… well, no comments. I'm enjoying the moment. Mental picture."

I roll my eyes. "Don't be judgmental, I've seen worse and I'm talking about you."

She smiles. "I'm not being judgmental, I'm happy for you. Finally, Ana Steele is having fun on a Friday night... Tell me, what is so urgent?"

"He wants me to move in with him."

Kate straightens her back and places the cup of coffee on the table with a serious expression. "Ana, you said no, right?"

"I said yes."

"For God's sake, Ana, you just broke up with José, you just met the guy."

"I know, but that's what I want to do. I love him, Kate."

She shakes her head. "Ana, Ana, Ana, always with your head in the clouds. This's not one of your stories, this's real life. Have some fun with the guy first, get to know him better, and then move in with him… What about BDSM? Is he doing that with you?"

This is the Kate I know, the Kate I need. "No."

"Mm, you know that will explode in your face sooner or later, don't you?"

"Yes, I know." I take her hand. "I'm doing this, Kate, but I'm so nervous."

"Oh, Ana." She squeezes my hand and sighs. "Look, left half of your stuff at home, that way you will feel you have a second place to go if there are problems. I don't have to pay rent, that place is Ethan's and mine, and we don't need your room. Keep the keys. You've been here already Ana, let's do things differently, have some options opened, a backup plan. I'll be one phone call away."

"Thank you, Kate. I knew you'd give me some sense of reality."

"You're like a sister to me, Ana. Don't forget that."

"I won't. I love you."

"Well, you love more the mogul, you're leaving me." She smiles. "Don't be nervous, Ana. We are young, we have time to make mistakes and still be young, and maybe he's the right guy, who knows? If you are going to do this foolishness, at least enjoy it."

I was right. I needed to talk with Kate.

"How is Elliot?"

She gets serious again and stands up to grab a newspaper. There are problems in paradise. "He slept with Lucy Palmer."

"He cheated on you?" I can't believe it.

"No, it happened a few months ago. But, come on Ana. Really? Lucy? That crazy bitch?"

My chuckle makes it worse, she sends me a murdering look. "Kate, please, there are high probabilities he will find out you have slept with half his friends."

"Mhm." She's ignoring me reading the newspaper, there is something else bothering her.

"Kate… What's really going on?"

She puts the newspaper down letting me see her anguished face. _I knew it_.

"What is it?"

"Oh, Ana. He's working with this very hot Architect, Gia something. She's been all over him like a rash." Kate feigns a ridiculous female voice "Oh Elliot, would you like some coffee, Elliot I value so much your opinion, Elliot you are sooo original… I hate her."

"And you know this because. . ."

"I've visited him at work… a couple of times." This is news, Kate visiting Elliot at work. She's totally lost, like me. "I googled her, she's a successful Architect, and she is his age. I'll lose Elliot."

"I see. Have you told him?"

"No. I don't want to come across as the jealous girlfriend, but he did ask me what was wrong."

"You need to tell him, Kate, or you will come across as the capricious girlfriend. Today warm, tomorrow cold. I know you, this's eating you, you'll become insufferable. You're letting her win."

"I'll think about it… Oh my God."

Kate opens the newspaper in front of me and I see the photograph. _Shit_. I'm standing next to Christian, who looks so handsome, with my too-big eyes opened in total disbelieve.

"Look at his face, Ana. He has the same disease than you." His carefree smile tells me he wanted this, he doesn't look hesitant or worried.

"You mentioned Ray yesterday. I guess you will have an interesting conversation with him today." Kate smirks and I freeze.

"I wasn't planning to tell him."

"You need to tell him, Ana. How do you think he'd feel after seeing this? Finding out that he knows nothing about his daughter's life?" She shakes her head.

"But Kate, he always overreacts!"

"Come on, Ana, you were in high school, now you are an independent woman. It'll be different this time… Look, you're moving in with Christian, right?"

I nod.

"Then it's convenient that Christian sees you have a father, one that worries about his girl. Let's them spread some testosterone around you." She giggles.

"It's not funny, Kate. And I could remind you a couple of things about your relationship with your father. Do you want his testosterone around you and Elliot?"

She rolls her eyes. "That manwhore, I saw him two weeks ago with a new one, a girl our age, Ana. But Ray is a good man."

"A good man who thinks I have to do what he says, because I know nothing about life."

"You have no choice my friend, you made the papers. And there is your man looking for you. "

Christian is next to the stairs, scanning the lobby. I wave my hand to let him know where we are and he grins walking toward us. At least he's not mad at me for leaving him alone in the suite.

"Look, you need to stand your ground in front of your men, instead of hiding things from them… Do you still need me?"

"No, thanks for coming Kate."

"You've always been there for me Ana, holding my shattered pieces together, don't thank me… Hi, Christian, and goodbye."

I stand up and Kate hugs me, whispering in my ear. "One phone call away, don't forget."

"Talk with him, you are better than her." I whisper in her ear too, while Christian observes intrigued our exchange of whispers.

Kate leaves and Christian embraces me in a warm hug. "Good morning, baby". A delicious current runs right through me, it happens every time he uses that word. I caress his cheek and run the tips of my fingers through his soft yet prickly stubble. "Good morning."

"A little early for a meeting with your friend, don't you think?"

"I guess so, but I needed to talk with Kate. After all, I'm moving out from her apartment."

Christian grins. "You haven't changed your mind!" I was right, he sees time as an enemy that can make me think different, deep inside he's insecure about me. I feel better now that I know the root of the problem.

"Of course not. I told you why I'm doing this, it won't change overnight. Love doesn't change overnight, Christian." He's serious all of a sudden and I look for a distraction. I want the disco-ball-light that he is, back to gray.

 _The photograph, right_. I gesture vaguely in the direction of the newspaper. "Have you seen that?"

"Anastasia, you look beautiful!" If I needed proof, this is it _._ Only someone that looks at me through the eyes of love can see me beautiful in that picture. He can't see clearly, I look like a scared owl.

"You think?"

"I want a copy for my office." _The worst myopia_. "Your eyes… so beautiful." _Completely blind_.

I can't resist it, I hug him tightly. "I love you too."

He chuckles and strokes my hair. "You disagree?"

"Mhm, you need glasses."

Chuckling again he whispers in my ear. "Let's go home, baby." And I melt right there, that was too much for me. Home and baby in the same sentence, in Christian's voice, is a heady combination. I wanted to go to my current home first, but I can't find the strength to tell him. I have all I need in my future home anyway. Actually, now that I think about it, I've been sleeping at Escala too many nights for a two-weeks relationship. _Mm, I've been rushing into this too_.

…

My father is sat in front of me, in the beautiful small restaurant at the Shilshole Bay Marina where Christian and I ate two weeks ago. I remember the experiment we agreed to start that day, and I wonder what his therapist opinion is on this turn of events. Is this good for Christian? I felt responsible that day, and I feel responsible today.

"Annie, are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yes Dad, that's what we both want."

"I don't know if I approve." Kate's words resonate inside my head: _you need to stand your ground_.

"Well, I'm doing it, Dad, with or without your approval." I grab his hand, I know he loves me. "I want your support, I need to know I can count on you."

Ray's face shows concern. "What about your mother? What's her opinion?" I release his hand, I hate when he talks about Mom. For Christ's sake, she left him in the worst way possible.

"She doesn't know."

"Annie, you have to tell her, she's your mother."

"I haven't heard from her in six months Dad, and that's because I called for her birthday. I'm telling you, that's enough for me."

He grabs my hand sweetly. "Annie, I'm having a hard time here accepting that you will live with a man without marrying him. To know your mother's opinion will help me to get through this."

"Why? Why is that helpful?"

"Because she's your mother, the one that allowed me to be your father, the greatest honor of my life." _Oh my God, he has never talked to me like that. Is he dying?_

"Dad, are you okay?" I squeeze his hand scared, but his face shows confusion. If he doesn't understand my concern then he's fine. "Yes Annie, why?"

"Nothing, give me a minute."

My heart hurts, my Dad is an old man after all, I shouldn't make him suffer. I take my phone out of my purse and dial her number. She picks up and sounds completely surprised that I'm calling her.

-Hi, Mom.

+Ana, honey, how are you?

-I'm fine, Mom. How are you?

+Struggling, you know life is hard here.

-Mhm. Mom, I met someone.

+Oh, honey, I'm so happy for you. What's his name?

-Christian. I'm moving in with him.

+As a lover?

I roll my eyes.

-Yes Mom, we love each other.

+Ana, be careful, don't get pregnant. You're so young, you need to see a little of the world.

-Thanks for the advice. Don't worry, I'm being careful.

 _Yes, now I go through life with my purse full of condoms_. Of course I'm not telling her that.

+Does Ray know?

-Yes, Ray knows and he's okay with it.

Ray narrows his eyes but smiles at me.

+Well honey, in that case, you have my blessing.

-I'm not getting married Mom, but thank you. I appreciate it.

-Ana, to move in with a man is as important as marry him. It demands emotional commitment, patience, and love from both sides. It's hard work every day, don't forget that, honey.

My mother's comment shakes me. She has the experience, I give her that, she knows what she's talking about. What I lived when I was 18 doesn't count as experience, there wasn't love, just abuse and fear. _And denial_.

+Thank you, Mom.

-I love you, darling.

+Me too, Mom. Goodbye.

To talk with my mother always left a bittersweet feeling in my heart. She's so loving while talking, but then she just disappears as if she doesn't care about me. Really schizophrenic from her.

"She gave me her blessing, Dad. Are you happy now?"

"Well Annie, happy is not the word, but I feel better now that your mother knows. We can move on." Move on? What is that supposed to mean?

We ask for dessert and after an uncomfortable silence, he finally shoots. "When am I meeting him?" I almost choke with my ice cream.

"I was thinking that maybe for my birthday. I wanted to be alone with you today, to enjoy the afternoon."

He chuckles. "Are you afraid your old man scares him like I did with that boy when you were 16?"

I can't see the funny side of that. "Yes and no. He's an adult, Dad, and he has a solid life. He doesn't get scared easily."

"We will find out today."

"What?"

Ray's eyes show determination and I feel cold streams of sweat running down my back. "I'm not leaving Seattle without meeting him. You will introduce me to your boyfriend, and you'll take me to the place where you are planning to live." _Shit._ I didn't want him to know that Christian is wealthy, at least not today. He hasn't seen the photograph, I thought I was safe but now I'm screwed. He won't be happy.

"Dad, please, next week."

"Today Annie, today. Call him."

"I don't feel comfortable about this."

"Comfortable? I'm your father, I was here before that Christian appears in your life, and I will be here if he disappears."

I close my eyes so he doesn't see how I'm feeling, my concern. He grabs my hand. "Annie, I'm not as closed-minded as you think I'm, remember I once married a pregnant woman and loved that child as my own." I open my eyes in surprise, something is wrong with Ray. "Call the boy and let me do my job. Now that your mother knows, we can do this."

My tears make Ray squirms uncomfortably. "Why are you crying?"

"You are acting strange Dad, I'm afraid you're sick."

A sweet smile comforts me. "I'm just getting old and emotional Annie, but I'm still strong and healthy. You will have to put up with me for a little while longer."

Wiping the tears off my face I make the call.

-Hi, Christian.

+Anastasia, what's wrong? Are you okay?

-I'm fine. My father wants to meet you… today.

Silence on the other side of the line. I picture him raking his hand through his hair, serious.

+Okay, where?

-Escala.

Silence again.

+Are you sure?

-No.

He chuckles nervously.

+I'll be waiting, Anastasia. Don't worry, everything is going to be fine.

I hope so, although I'm not sure how to reconcile these two different worlds, Christian's and Ray's.

 _Oh, to hell with it, they will figure it out_. "Dad, there is something you should know about Christian."

He straightens his back.

"He is rich."

"So?"

"Like, super rich."

He leans on his elbow, rubbing his chin. "Are you ashamed of him for being rich, or ashamed of me for not being rich?"

"What? No Dad, of course not."

"Then I don't see the problem. I know you, Annie, you're not doing this for his money. Let's take a walk first. I like it here."

And just like that I feel my heart lighter, full of confidence. My father is here with me, somehow he's doing this with me, showing me that I'm not alone with my decisions, good or bad. We might not have the ideal father-daughter relationship, but it's not too late to give him a little more space and a more important role in my life. What could possibly go wrong? Last time, he was just running after my boyfriend with a stick like a crazy man.


	23. Family

Chap. 23 Family.

CPOV.

 _The father!_ Why did I wish to meet Anastasia's family? You have to be careful with what you wish for. But I have one too. _Yes, I need my father's advice_. I need his experience on this one, he has faced some of Mia's boyfriends already.

-Dad, I need your advice.

Utterly surprised my father remains in silence, must be the first time he hears something like that from me.

-Are you still there?

+What is it, Christian?

-Anastasia's father wants to meet me. They are on their way here.

Silence, then loud laugh. Why did I think he'd be helpful?

+Son, don't worry, just be yourself, you're a remarkable young man and that girl brings out the best in you.

He sounds like Flynn, not useful at all. And the warm feeling is here again, this time triggered by my father. _Is that what he thinks of me?_ _Remarkable?_ That's a big word in his vocabulary. I've always thought I was the son that didn't live up to his expectations.

+Let's hope he hasn't read that article.

 _Fuck, the magazine_. Evidently he's coming here to make sure she doesn't see me again. My father didn't help at all, what is more, I feel worse now.

My phone buzzes and there is a message from Anastasia.

- **Almost there. This's just a chain of love: I love you, he loves me… we'll be fine**.

I just hope the father doesn't strangle me with that chain; and there it's again: _she loves me_ … That's so wrong, she shouldn't love someone like me; she's so perfect, so unique. I'm sure Anastasia deserves better than…

"Sir, Miss Steele is on her way up with a man."

"I know, her father. Thank you, Taylor. See you on Monday."

"I'll be around sir." _Yeah, I might need you_. Taylor is hiding his amusement, he knows this's a first for me. _A dangerous first one_.

With the contracts there weren't complications, everything was well established since the beginning. With Anastasia I've to endure feelings, family, discussions, my past, emotional and impulsive decisions I wasn't aware I was capable of... _For heaven's sake, what is wrong with me? Bringing all this on me willingly_.

My mind seems to be on a confused loop, I know my instincts are off since day one. Every experience I live with Anastasia just left me starving for more. I want her here with me, is that too much to ask for? Is that so far from normalcy? And who the hell defines what is normal after all? Whoever defines that, being 'normal' has never been my goal. I won't assume now such a boring, insipid goal. Anastasia isn't exactly 'normal' either, I like that in her personality. _My loony sweet girl that hides a tigress_. The smile, of course, I'm thinking of her. She'd make me smile even at the front door of Hell.

Waiting in front of the elevator's door, _ironic_ , I try to collect as much self-confidence as I can. _This is my place, I bought it with my money, which I earned working day and night_. Maybe not using my hands, but using my brain.

As they step out from the elevator, he studies me and I study him. Gray-haired, tall man in his fifties, humble origin written all over him with the elegance that only dignity brings out in a person.

"Mr. Steele, it's a pleasure to meet you."

We shake hands, his grip is firm, his fingers and palm are rough to the touch. _Right, a carpenter_. "Christian, I'm Ray, Anastasia's father. The pleasure is all mine." With just one sentence he makes clear the tone of this encounter. Like his daughter, he avoids cold formalities. _I'm screwed, there goes my strategy_. It's obvious to me that he hasn't read that article. _I'm not that screwed_.

Anastasia smiles and stands by me grabbing my hand. The warm touch of her skin calms me down immediately, she's telling me that we are in this together. I take them to my living room caressing her knuckles, which calms me even more.

"Would you like something to drink, Ray? Anastasia?"

"Scotch would be nice, please."

"I'm fine Christian, thank you."

"What would you like with it?"

"Just scotch, no ice."

While pouring Ray's scotch and a cognac for me, I hear them whispering. I need to come back quickly.

"So, Christian, what do you do for a living?"

"I have a Company, we aim mainly to fix broken enterprises, especially the ones involved in telecommunication services. After that we move their products into the marketplace, their value usually rises significantly. I keep some of them, the rest are sold."

"I do the same. It's smart business." His eyes sparkle for a couple seconds.

"Really?"

"Yes, I buy old, damaged pieces of furniture and make them shine as if they were new. I always get a good prize at the end and the satisfaction of saving some piece of history. I don't end up with as much money as you do, but we work under the same logic." He winks.

I smile and notice the proud look in Anastasia's eyes. I want that look on me too, some day.

I've always felt respect for the people that, like me, works arduously not just because we must have the fruits of our toil, but because we choose to perform our proper work without creating injustice for others. It takes time and effort but the outcome is most satisfying, and I've been able to avoid the scheming, deceiving and lies my counterparts define as 'hard work'.

Anastasia stands up, and I follow suit. She excuses herself to go to the bathroom. When she is out of the earshot, her father changes the nature of the conversation.

"Christian, I won't lie to you, I'm preoccupied."

"Why?" _Now I AM preoccupied_.

"All I can see here," he gestures to our surroundings, "is your money. No soul, no warmness. And my daughter is planning to live here." _Exactly like Anastasia, she is her father's daughter_.

"I know Ray, Anastasia and I are planning to change that. I've been living here alone without noticing that at all. Just focused on my work."

He laughs sincerely. "Ah, women, they bring light and color to our lives. But I don't want my daughter to lose some of her own light and color in here. I'll be vigilant; I can't allow that to happen."

 _Mm, the veiled threat_. "Neither do I, Ray. All I want is to share all I have, all I am with Anastasia, the most beautiful creature I've ever known." And with that I win the man, I can see it on his face. With him, like with his daughter, honesty from this 'new self' inside me, is what works.

"I hope so, Christian. I'm not here to throw threats at you, I'm here to make sure you know she has a family. I'm planning to visit with some frequency." _Shit, some frequency?_ I know the best tactic is to hit the ball back.

"Of course, you will always be welcome here, and I hope to be equally so at your house."

Smiling, he winks at me again; he knows what I'm doing. "Of course, the sooner you visit, the better."

Anastasia is back now, she sits next to me grabbing my hand again. The warmness and tranquility are back too, with her presence and contact. This's why I want her close to me. I've shared so many things with so many people in my life, even intense intimacy, and yet, I always felt alone through the moment. But with this woman, whatever it's I'm experiencing with Anastasia, I feel accompanied.

She notices the uncomfortable silence her presence has caused.

"Dad, come with me to the balcony. I want to show you something." _The balcony?_ How odd. Is it the view?

I follow them intrigued by Anastasia's purpose. She is gifted softening hard moments, she has something in mind.

"Well, well, what do we have here? An Orion Astroview 90mm., wow Annie." Right! He was the one teaching her astronomy.

They look excited, both of them. I remember when my father and I bonded before I hit adolescence, he used to love taking us camping and doing all the outdoor pursuits I now enjoy. Suddenly, I feel nostalgic for those days. If I could relive them I would pay more attention to my father's words. _Remarkable_.

The thought is like a premonition. My phone buzzes and there is a message from my father.

- **Son, we are in the entrance. You changed the access code**.

 _Oh shit._ My father is here, and he's not alone. I just wanted an advice and now he's here. Is he afraid I could be murdered by Anastasia's father?

I quickly send him the new code.

"Ray, my father is here. I'd like to introduce you to him."

Ray smirks. "Of course, it'd be a pleasure."

"It wasn't planned, I wasn't expecting him."

"Don't worry son, it makes this visit even better than what I thought. It'd be nice to see where you are coming from."

My father and my mother showed up, trying to conceal their worried faces. _Yep, they evaluated the possibility of losing a son today_. I make the introductions and my parents' eyes relax after noticing that Ray is calmed and satisfied so far.

…

One hour after my parents' arrival, we are on the balcony enjoying the afternoon. I go to one corner to watch them from some distance. They look happy, or at least untroubled. My eyes wander, assessing my surroundings. Yes, my balcony is a nice place to spend part of the afternoon with my family. _How come I've never done something like this before?_ Of course, I have to thank Anastasia for this, even though this wasn't her idea. But if everything is flowing easily and effortlessly, is thanks to her.

I can't take my eyes off of her. Once again she's in my mind, it seems to happen every few minutes since the moment I met her. She's at ease talking with my parents and his father, they are laughing at something Anastasia just said. My girl is so skilled making people happy, making people smile. _Do I love her? Is this love?_ Whatever this's, is intense.

She notices my staring blushing deliciously, and all I want is to be alone with my sweet girl. In a second my father is next to me, smiling mischievously.

"So, she mentioned you asked her to move in with you."

"Yes."

"Well done son. Enjoy every minute." _Wow, he approves!_

"I thought you wouldn't agree. You've always told me that I need to walk before running."

"The only exception for that is love." _Love? Why is everybody talking about love lately?_ No wonder it was in my mind five seconds ago. "Once I met your mother, I couldn't stand one minute away from her. Two months after that we were sharing a small apartment, six months after that we were getting married. No regrets son, not even one."

I know they are happy, they have had some difficult moments, yes, but that's all. They are a solid couple who raised three adopted kids together. And I realize now that I know nothing about my parent's younger years. My father hasn't drink that much, but he's in full flow, motivated by what is going on in my life.

"Your mother was like the light to me, I needed her more than I needed to breathe. Those were complicated days." I look at him quizzically. "Yes, son, my past is troubled too, I was always angry when I was young, always unsatisfied. My father was an alcoholic, he died young, that's why you didn't meet him. Your grandmother bloomed after he was gone, I had to wait until I met your mother for getting over it... But that's a conversation for another moment."

My father studies my face smiling. He can see I'm shocked by his revelations, but that makes his smile even broader. "I'm happy for you. I think that girl is your perfect match, my instincts tell me so." He winks at me. My father never winks and this's the second time he has done that. I feel confused. _Was I that detached from them, or is everybody changing all of a sudden?_

Getting closer, he whispers. "I'm still worried about that article, son. Obviously he doesn't know, you two need to talk with him before he founds out by himself. I'm being serious." And that's a good advice, one I'm not sure I'm able to follow.

Ray walks toward us and my father leaves to join my mother and Anastasia, abandoning me to my fate.

"I need to get going, I have a long drive ahead."

"You're driving back to Montesano?"

"Yes. I've seen my daughter healthy and happy, I'm ready to leave."

"It's been a pleasure meeting you, Ray."

He chuckles, shaking my outstretched hand. "You said you'll visit soon. I'm sure you are a man of one word." _Did I say that?_ I don't remember making such a promise.

…

…

APOV.

Our parents finally leave and I feel exhausted. That was difficult for me, and I bet it was difficult for Christian too. But it went well, they were all pleased. _Ufff._

Christian comes back from the foyer and is surprised by my attack. I hug him tightly, my arms around his waist. He embraces me inside that warm hug that now I know so well, the heat from his body, the smell from his chest, his hand stroking my hair. _Home, sweet home_.

He kisses me softly, and in a nanosecond it becomes urgent. There's a desperate, primal quality to his kiss, it's alarming.

"What is it, Christian?"

"I need you, Anastasia." His hug becomes painful, so strong.

Okay, a distraction.

"What do you do on Saturday afternoons?"

He sighs deeply. "My playroom."

 _Crap, of course_. I still can't face that, we are not prepared, he's not prepared, I'm definitely not prepared. "Then we need to come out with something new. Can you think of something, Christian?"

"Let's go to the bedroom." He winks. _Mm, playful Christian_. But not now.

"I'm not in the mood. I'm sorry, Christian, I still have my father in my head. I'm worried about him."

Christian goes to the sofa frustrated, taking me with him and sitting me on his lap. "Why?"

"Nothing, just to face the fact that he's getting old makes me sad. When we were having lunch, the possibility of his dead invaded me. I'm still shaken. Dead has always gotten me, you know? The irrevocability of becoming just a memory." I sigh deeply. "In front of dead we can be nothing but passive spectators, I'm passively watching my father getting old."

I'm the one who needs a distraction. "We are getting old too, he is fine. Come on baby, let's go to the bedroom, although this sofa seems comfortable enough." He starts kissing my neck, but I was saying the truth, I'm not in the mood.

"Not now, please, Christian."

He continues, my words falling on deaf ears. Mr. _I-won't-take-no-for-an-answer_ is here. Well, Miss _When-I-say-no-is-no_ is here too. "I said not now, Christian."

"Anastasia, you need this, trust me. That meeting was stressful, your body needs the relief." He resumes kissing me and starts opening my blouse.

"I don't need sex, you need sex." I stand up feeling a little angry. Everything was so perfect one minute ago, the meeting with my father ended up so well. Is it too difficult to understand that I'm not in the mood for sex right now? Maybe in an hour or two. Why on earth is that a problem? I try to calm down remembering my mother's words; hard work, love, and patience.

I observe him intently, he looks frustrated, there is something new inside his eyes, something I can't recognize. He stands up and _wow_ , what I saw in his eyes can be read all over his body, more angular somehow, colder, and more distant, but so hot at the same time. It's intimidating. _Must be Dominant Christian_. I haven't had the pleasure to meet this one yet, but now that I've seen him he can go to hell. _I'm not a submissive, his words_.

Domineering Christian in our play role is commanding but also tender, playful, patient. This one looks so different, and he wants me to bow my head and accept his nonsense without hesitation, like if my will wouldn't matter. Angry Christian is also here, and he wants to punish me for saying no. _So many Christians_. I roll my eyes and he scowls at me.

I straighten my back giving him my _no-way_ look. I'm small so I need all my height. It becomes a contest, not our first one. This time, I won't look down. Against Dominant Christian I have Unsubmissive Anastasia. _You are being overdramatic_. Really cricket? After all the doubts you put in my head about control and possessiveness? You can go to hell too.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"What am I doing to you, Christian?"

"You said no."

"This's not the first time I've said no to you."

"Yes, this is the first time you really say no to me. I need you, I want you, it's obvious, and yet you say no."

I hiss at him. "I'm not in the mood Christian Grey. It has nothing to do with you or your needs." We continue the battle of wills through our stares. "You know what? You should rethink your proposal because this will happen again. I won't have sex being sad, I won't have sex being tired, and I definitely won't have sex being scared. Summarizing, I won't have sex if I don't feel like having sex. Go and analyze if you can live with that."

"It's just sex for heaven's sake." _What?_

"Not for me." And now I'm sad. I lose the contest, I look down and go to the sofa to think.

Sex, like the one I'm having with Christian, is a novelty to me, it's a physical explosion with deep feelings involved. I have had just-sex before, when I was testing my body, discovering the damage _he_ left in me. I can't say I haven't done that. I realize it was a mistake to assume Christian was having the same experience than me.

"Anastasia."

Although, I know it was new for him too, sex with a woman in the same plane, without restraints.

"Anastasia."

He sits next to me grabbing my hand and kissing the back of it. He is trying to solve this, I should do the same. He is prioritizing the relationship over the emotions this discussion woke up in him, I definitely should do the same, but I'm angry and sad. _Love, patience, commitment_. My inner judge is ambivalent, sometimes she pushes me, sometimes she pulls me away. _He's being more mature right now_. He started, he should be the one finishing it.

My Christian, the loving one, bites my little finger and I can't help it, I feel the giggle bubbling up my throat. Good memories fill my mind.

"It's not just sex for me either, but it shouldn't be such a big deal."

"Christian, to have sex with an unsubmissive woman doesn't have implications just while doing it, also while deciding when and where. I know this's new for you, but this's new for me too. You know that. We have opposite ideals, but we need to meet halfway somehow."

"I think we already did that Anastasia, we just need to tune some details."

We look at each other, this time it's not a contest. "I know you wanted to punish me."

His gray eyes wide, bemused, and my heart clenches. I remember he's still insecure about my feelings for him.

"How do you know?"

"I saw you, Christian, it was written all over you." The mask is on, there is something he doesn't want me to see. "You mentioned once sex was a coping mechanism for you, to channelize the anxiety. And you use punishments to channelize your angriness and frustration. I already told you we need to change that, not just because, as you said, I won't accept it, but because it's wrong, Christian. Even though we fail as a couple, you need to change that."

He closes his eyes, I can see a myriad of emotions crossing his face. I squeeze his hand. "She taught you that, didn't she?"

When he opens his eyes, I can see confusion. "Who?"

"She."

Realization hits him and his look is cold again. "Elena taught me self-control. Thanks to that I've achieved my goals, I have managed to have a life. Suicide crossed my mind a couple of times when I was 15, Anastasia. It was either that or jail." _Shit, that's extreme_. But still…

"Self-control? By hurting you?" I take a deep breath. "Okay, that was your agreement with her, but what about your girlfriends?"

"Submissives." And we are back to angry and sad and irritated, he and I.

"Whatever. You think that awful witch did you a favor, I get it. Then tell me, Christian. What kind of favor were you doing to your sexual partners? What kind of favor will you do to me if you punish me?"

I can tell he's astonished. "Anastasia… I… I."

I stand up, I need to get rid of this bad energy, so I start pacing in front of him. "Exactly, none. She didn't teach you self-control. She gave you sexual release, a fantasy about fucking an older woman that hit you, and the wrong message regarding angriness and punishment. How do you explain that you need to punish some girl when you are mad?"

"Can you please sit, Anastasia? I'm making an effort here." He snaps angrily.

That's true, he is indeed making an effort. His hands are closed so tightly that his knuckles are white. I'm scared, I don't want to lose him and I can see I'm pushing him to an edge. That's not my objective.

"BDSM is related to control and self-control, among other things. So, she did teach me about that in some way. And we shouldn't be talking about her, we should be talking about us. She belongs to the past."

I stand up again. _She doesn't belong to the past, in two weeks I've seen her twice. Awful woman, a pimp, an actress_.

"Sit, Anastasia." I sit back down.

"I'm going to talk with my therapist about what you just said. All I can do right now is to promise I'll work on this." He makes a pause sighing deeply. "But I need to know you are in this with me."

 _Too far, too far, I need to be closer_. I sit on his lap hugging him tightly. "I am. I love you, I'm in this with you, for you. You'll figure this out. Change can be hard, but it's how we grow."

He starts stroking my hair tenderly, my sweet Christian is back. The adrenaline must have been running through him because his scent is different, more animal, more masculine. I inhale deeply, mmm, again, mmm. _Oh no,_ w _hat a wrong moment to be turned on_.

"Anastasia?"

"Mhm."

"Are you sniffing me?" He sounds amused but I feel embarrassment. _Shit, I was caught_.

"No… pfff... no."

He chuckles softly, I can't look at him, hiding my embarrassment inside the hollow of his neck. "Does it mean you are in the mood now?"

 _Oh my!_

"What? No… Well… maybe." _Bah, who am I fooling?_ "Yes. Are you?"

"Always, Anastasia. When it comes to you, I'm always in the mood."

"Really?" _Wow, an Asgardian sexy God always in the mood!_ I must have done something right in my previous life.

Christian lifts me in his arms. _And the God has muscles of course, I was probably a saint._

"Let's go to the bedroom. I want you in my bed, our bed." _A truly devoted one_.


	24. Challenges

Chap. 24 Challenges.

APOV.

 _Wow_. He was saying the truth, he's well acquainted with the female body. How come I don't possess such knowledge? It's my body. _Shame on me_. We should be taught about our anatomy in a more detailed way, after all it houses our spirit. I have a new educative proposal, "Meet your body, it'd be a great pleasure", expert professor Mr. Grey. Mm, no, the students wouldn't concentrate with that sexy God in front of them; it has to be someone from planet Earth. Oh, what a fantasy! He'd wear strange glasses, a tie, and nothing else, while solving my many, many doubts. _Mr. Grey, is this an oral exam?_ He likes when I bite my lip, doesn't he?

While my mind floats through this fantasy, Christian is asleep over my shoulder, peaceful and quiet, holding me close. I like to watch him when he's asleep, carefree, unworried. And I love being his dream-catcher, allowing him to remain like this the whole night.

Peeking down the sheets I study him. I know nothing about his body either, and I'm sure what I do to him, almost zero, has no comparison with what he does to me. I need to change that, although he likes passive women, he enjoys being the one in control. Mm, but I hate ignorance. That expert Dr. Greene advised me can be helpful, his phone number is somewhere in my bedroom. I want an A in that _oral exam_ , a PhD.

His lips are partially parted and I can't help it, I touch them, they are halfway between thin and plump. _Perfects!_ I touch them again. _Soft and firm at the same time._ He bites me and I cry out in surprise. "Hey!"

"Are you misbehaving while I take a nap?" Oh, _misbehaving_ , he already sounds like that professor.

"No. I'm a good girl." _And I will work hard for an extra credit_.

"I think you are up to no good." _But, Mr. Grey. Why would you say something like that? Just because I forgot my panties at home, I mean, my assignment? How unfair._

"Just inside my mind." Yes, who is this inside my mind? _You know I'm a naughty cricket_.

He opens his eyes immediately. "Really?" And chuckles seeing my blushing. "Miss Steele has fantasies!"

"Well… I'm only human. Of course I have some… mm…, don't laugh at me."

"Oh baby, I'm not laughing at you." _Ah, that word, the current_. "Would you tell me? Please."

No, no, that's too intimate, that's level 20. My bold character is gone, my face is on fire, I can feel it.

He chuckles again and moves to trap me beneath his body. "Close your eyes." I obey. "Now, tell me." My mouth is frozen. "Tell me, Anastasia."

"Eh… I have this fantasy about a pirate."

"A pirate? Interesting. What does this pirate do to you?"

"He kidnaps me and… well… seduces me." I can hear his smile. _Bastard_.

"Ah, the art of seduction. We didn't do that, I didn't have to seduce you. You kissed me, surprising me."

"Oh, shut up, I just finished what you started."

He chuckles again. "You are right. So, this pirate, how does he look like?"

"He has a beard."

"A beard?"

"Mhm."

"A patch?"

"No."

"A hook?"

"No."

"White shirt, black pants, boots?"

"Mhm."

"I can work with that."

I open my eyes in surprise. "What?"

"We aim to please here at Escala." A soft kiss accompanies the words.

Should I tell him about the sexy professor? Or about the man in the black mask? Or about the captain of the vessel? Woah, all my fantasies from my seventeens are flying back to me one after another. I remember now that I used to have a prolific imagination regarding sex. _He_ killed that. Yes, when I was waiting for a kiss and instead received a slap, when I was waiting for love and instead received abuse. No, not killed, but incarcerated deep inside my mind. My dark Angel came and unchained it. I should honor my true self, the one that was momentarily defeated by momentary circumstances. I'm going to be the perfect damsel for my beautiful pirate. Well, the almost-perfect damsel, let's not be presumptuous. _Just do your best and enjoy_. Oh, sex advice from my inner judge, this is new.

"For my birthday?"

"You want that for your birthday? I was thinking about something more… tangible."

"You are tangible enough." I wink at him and blush. _Jeez, I need to practice that_.

He smiles a knowing smile, "I have work to do."

Right, he likes to work at night. That's okay, I like to read and write at night and must be just 9:00.

I drink a glass of milk and head to the library to make a thorough examination of his books. _Wow, this is heaven_. Then I notice them, on the top of one of the shelves there are five covered books. I can't reach them, so I use the chair to gain some height. I take one book and have to sit to not fall. _BDSM. The naked truth_.

Oh!

Then another one. _Different loving: The world of sexual dominance and submission_.

A third one. _The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge._

I can't stop myself, if there is something I've always been, is curious.

' _This book is for folks who nurture naked creativity and make fantasies come to life. This book is about kink… term to describe the people, practices, and communities that move beyond traditional ideas about sex to explore the edges of eroticism.'_

The edges? Someone send me Christian in this moment of my life, and the same entity is now sending me these books. What a coincidence, it's even scary.

' _We believe that dreams come true, and not at Disneyland, but in our bedrooms_.'

Of course, what my pirate does to me in my fantasy… is kind of NC-17. And Christian wants to play with that. Our child is growing up, not a baby anymore. I remember his game in my bedroom while being Miss Steele. _If you move you will spill the champagne, I can't allow the waste, I'd have to lick it from you_. Obviously I spilled it, the real waste would have been to miss that licking. _Whoo, I need to focus_.

In all my fantasies I'm somehow submitting; the professor, the pirate, the captain. To realize this makes me happy, we are not that incompatible after all. And to impersonate the compliant Miss Steele for a while was pleasant; of course, that's just because there is a sexy Mr. Grey that I love. My feminist inner judge feels a little disappointed. Don't worry, it's just a character, outside the moment I'm Unsubmissive Anastasia. _But we could enjoy other characters too_. Ah, you were disappointed because of that...

' _You will learn about topics from bondage and spanking to piercing and rough sex._ '

Piercing? No, I won't go there, I guess I could explore just the softer side of this. Although I'm not sure about the spanking either. Bondage doesn't alarm me the same way. Uff, I really need to read, when I wrote the answer at the office I just learned about the ethics of BDSM, I didn't go deeper.

But now things are different, I love a man who has been part of this community for twelve years, to ignore that fact makes me selfish and narrow-minded. He's opened his mind to new forms of understanding and enjoying sex, for me, I should do the same. As simple as that.

 _As with anything else that involves some risk, you should not only make the choice a conscious one that works for you, but you must also educate yourself by researching and joining BDSM organizations_.

Exactly, yes to the researching part. Nevertheless, organized group activities aren't really my thing.

After one and a half hour of reading, I feel ambivalent. All I know pales in front of this. There is not love at first sight between BDSM and me, but I have to admit that I don't feel rejection either. One thing I have understood so far, is that the couple defines the dynamic, there isn't a black and white approach to this. In the end, it's up to Christian and me.

I understand now that I was wrong about Christian and his… yes, submissives. The scene didn't take place just inside his magic chamber but in most of the penthouse. That explains the little interaction they had, they were playing their roles the whole weekend. And the punishment has indeed great significance inside the scene, in a good way.

But he wanted to punish me and we are not doing this, that doesn't adjust to what I just read. The angriness doesn't adjust either. And there is also the fact that Christian has been incapable of exploring love and friendship until two weeks ago, and the authors mention psychological and emotional connection as very important.

There is also the aftercare, through it the players exchange physical contact like kissing, cuddling, stroking, looking for readjustment. And if the scene ends when they leave the penthouse, then what about the aftercare? There wasn't a transition since there wasn't any relationship out of the scene at all. A whole weekend without transition, no wonder those girls asked for going beyond the contract. They did the readjustment alone, in the street.

I'm so confused, but now I know I've been mixing things inside my head. I got that far, well, far enough for a couple of hours.

This reading has beaten up my mind, consensually of course, so I need my aftercare.

I go for my bag and hide the books, there is a lot more to read. I don't know where Christian's study is and this place is huge. I know it's not in this part of the penthouse, he always goes to the opposite stairs. I knock on one door, nothing, the next one, nothing. On the fourth door, he answers.

Without hesitation I enter and walk toward him, he turns in his chair to face me, frowning. Crawling onto his lap, I put my arms around his neck and cuddle into him.

"Anastasia, what's wrong?" Gingerly, he puts his arms around me.

"There is nothing wrong, I feel better now." _Now that I understand him a little more_. "I just missed you." I curl up smaller on his lap, tucking my head beneath his chin.

He kisses the top of my head. "Should we go to sleep?"

"No. Just give me two minutes and I'll leave."

"You can stay, I'm just reading." He wraps one arm around me more tightly, and with the other hand grabs a document from his desk to resume reading. _Home_. I soon fall asleep, it's been another long day.

…

Sunday goes by pretty quickly. After deciding what to take with me to Christian's penthouse and pack it, I sit under the sun in my 'ex-bedroom' to read a little more. Christian went to his office to meet with his team. _Poor people, on a Sunday!_

I feel more and more at ease with what I'm reading, although everything is still abstract to me. I'm curious about the _how-to_ perspective, but also about the personal experiences that help to understand the intimacy and emotional path these couples share. After all that's my ultimate goal, the sharing. If I do this with Christian, the submission would be for play role, not a life attitude, it's important he understands that.

At eleven, I grab my boxes and take them to my car one by one. I close the front door of the building saying goodbye, or maybe see you soon, who knows, nothing is written in stone.

Suddenly, I feel like if someone was watching me. It's been a long time but I recognize the cold wave going down my back. Closing my eyes, I count to 10 and wait. The feeling is still there. I turn around and see her, wearing a pair of jeans and a pale blue hooded sweatshirt. She walks toward me and I immediately recognize her. _Leila_. She looks like a ghost, so pale and strangely blank, it's scary.

"Ana."

"Leila. What are you doing here?"

She looks around nervously. "He's here, he's watching us… Let's get out of here, please, Ana."

I can't think, I can't feel, all I want right now is to cuddle inside Christian's arms like I did last night. "Get in the car, Leila."

Taking a deep breath, I try to bring my breathing under control. I drive fifteen minutes without knowing where to go until I'm sure no one is following us. I park the car in a shopping center lot.

"Leila. He's not here. Now, tell me."

"I'm here for two reasons, Ana. I need your help and you're in danger."

After a few seconds, I recover my voice. "In danger?"

"Yes. Yesterday he saw your picture with that young man and got crazy. I've never seen him like that. Then he left and didn't come back to sleep. I took the money I was hiding from him and came here. I need your help, Ana, please, I can't come back."

"How did you know where to find me?"

"Your address was written in his notebook."

"The notebook!" I remember the notebook where Paul controlled the time I was out and the amount of money I spent daily. He used to be meticulous. "So, he's been following me."

"I guess so."

I feel the cold wave again. _How stupid... I was never safe_. "What do you want from me?"

"I know your boyfriend is powerful, I know who he is. Please make me disappear, give me a new identity. I'm pregnant, Ana, he can't have my baby! When I saw your picture, I saw hope for this new life." I gaze at her, she is badly nourished, not a good thing for the baby. I start the car to go to the drive up window of a KFC and buy Leila some chicken. It's not the perfect meal for a pregnant woman, but she needs to eat. She's hungry, I remember the feeling.

"Why are you still living with him, Leila?"

"I tried to leave him, if that's what you are asking, but I don't have money or a place to go. He found me and threatened to chain me to the bed if I leave him again."

"There are shelters Leila, places where women can go."

"I don't trust those women, Ana, I know he'd find me. He has changed, everything is worse now, you don't want me to tell you. All my body is marked so no man can find me attractive again. This's my last chance, if I fail I prefer to die and take this new life with me. He won't touch me again."

All I can think of is Christian. In my terrified state after hearing what Leila has revealed, all I need is him. I promised communication and Leila is right, he can help her, so I drive to GEH and pull into the garage. When I try to get out of the car, Leila grabs my arm.

"Please, Ana, don't leave me alone." I feel sorry for her, I'd lived with Paul for four months, she's been there for four years. I know she's telling the truth, a pregnancy was what gave her the extra strength she needed to look for me.

"You'll be fine here, just don't get out of the car."

"No, you will turn your back on me again."

I remember when Leila asked for my help to go to the police station and denounce Paul. I was still too scared, so I told her to leave me alone, I told her Paul wasn't my problem anymore. How wrong I was, and how wrong I acted. Such a stupid coward.

I sight deeply feeling sad, and ashamed, and a piece of shit. But Christian is right, now I'm a fighter. "I know Leila, and I'm sorry. But I've changed, I'll help you now. Should I call the police?"

"No, this time I don't want to call the police, I want to disappear with my baby."

"Okay, come with me."

Sawyer, the security guard at GEH's front door, let us in. He knows me well, we greet every morning, although he looks suspiciously at Leila.

"She's my sister."

"Very well, Miss Steele." The truth is Leila and I do seem sisters, it's sobering. I know it's not a coincidence that we look so alike.

I go directly to the 20th, and there is Andrea. Leila walks very close to me, like if she was a scared pet. Andrea greets me very politely, as usual.

"Miss Cohen, this is Leila Clayton, an old friend. She will sit here with you for a couple of minutes."

"Very well, Miss Steele. Mr. Grey is in a meeting right now, maybe you should wait here too."

"Thank you, Miss Cohen." I grab Leila's hands. "You will be safe here with Andrea."

She nods and I head to Christian's super door. Andrea jumps to stop me so I hurry.

"Miss Steele you can't…"

When I open the door all I see is Christian standing next to his desk. _Too far_. He looks utterly surprised and frowns for one second until he registers my expression. I must be reflecting every single feeling inside my heart because his eyes widen and he hurries toward me. I run en route to him and when I feel Christian's arms around me I can't hold it anymore, all the contended anguish from the last half an hour explodes as I burst into tears.

I barely hear him dismissing the meeting.

"Carl, close the door after you, please."

Cooing softly into my hair, he gently strokes my back, my head. "Shhh. What is it, baby? What is upsetting you like this?" He sits taking me with him and waits patiently until I'm all cried out. I feel better now, but I can't get rid of the fear even though I feel safe inside Christian's warm embrace.

"He's being following me. He's out there looking for me."

Christian stills. "Are you sure?" He knows who I'm talking about.

"Yes. His wife just warned me."

"His wife?"

"Long story. I need your help, please Christian. I've never asked you anything." And yet, he's done so much for me already.

The warm embrace tightens stronger. "Of course. What do you need?"

"Could you help her to get away from Seattle, to get a new life. She doesn't want him to track her down. Please, Christian, she's pregnant, he will hurt the baby, I know."

Christian runs one hand through his hair. "Would you go with her?"

"Of course not." But there is something indecipherable on his face. "Do you want me to leave Seattle with Leila?"

Kissing my head he grabs my face and makes me look at him. "No, but I can't bear the thought of you being in danger."

I stand up quickly and he follows suit. "I won't hide."

"It's not about hiding, Anastasia. It's about being careful until we find him."

"We?"

"Yes, we. My security team and I."

"Christian please, don't even think on…" I start pacing around the office, I need to move even though I know it makes Christian nervous.

Trouton paints call me with its colors and extraordinary simplicity. They really look like a hole in the wall; I want to escape through that hole like Alicia, to a world of fantasy and color…

"Anastasia"

…a world free of Pauls and all the abuse that is happening right now while I'm thinking about this. What an amazing and horrifying world have we, humans, developed so far.

"Anastasia."

"Christian, I have a life and I like it, running away is not an option. I've never done that and I won't start now." I look up at him and caress his more-than-beautiful face. "Please, help me to be brave. Help me to help Leila, help me to help that baby."

Taking me by my shoulders, Christian makes me walk to the door. "Let's go, we will figure it out. She and the baby will be safe, don't worry. And if you want to be brave, you need to eat."

…

Leila leaves with Andrea, who is taking her to a hotel until GEH jet is ready to depart. I don't want to know where since Paul is now after me, kind of radical but I prefer things that way. Maybe he still hasn't noticed she left him, she'll be fine. _I hope so_.

Christian's library is the only place where I can find some peace right now. I pace around the room thinking and thinking but can't come up with a plan. I don't have that sort of reasoning. I know the only option I have is to be on guard until he shows up. Maybe I should ask Ray what to do. No, he'd go after Paul wanting to murder him, and I won't allow Paul make me that unhappy and miserable, even if he's dead. But what if Christian is the one making that mistake? _Shit_. All I was worried about were my oral skills, and now I'm afraid of my future and Christian's.

Christian enters to the library and hugs me without saying a word, then takes my hand and leads me to his study, where Taylor is waiting. I sit and take in my surroundings, I was here yesterday but didn't pay attention. His study is like his bedroom, different from the rest of the penthouse in a soft way, offering tranquility. Christian is sat behind his desk studying my reactions, the mask on. So this's his way to deal with stressing circumstances, wearing the mask and detaching, maybe looking for objectivity. He reacted the same way when I was waiting for the police.

"Miss Steele, we need to discuss some things with you given the situation." _Oh dear, THE situation_. That makes me feel worse. "First, you need to know that as soon as the jet lands, your… friend will be admitted to a clinic to evaluate her physical and psychological condition. Then she will get a job and enough money to rent a small apartment. I already got all the information she was able to provide in order to locate the individual." _The individual?_ Oh, Paul.

"Second, from today on, someone will be with you to guarantee your safety."

"What?" I stand up in surprise.

"Sit down, Anastasia. Listen to what Taylor has to say until he finishes."

I sit worried about his tone of voice, cold. Which Christian is this? Scared, he needs some control over the situation. _So he was scared last Friday_.

"Third, we'll install a tracker device in your car and cell phone. That's it, Miss Steele. Please, any abnormal activity you notice, let us know immediately." _Individual, tracker device, abnormal activity_. I feel overwhelmed by Taylor's vocabulary.

I guess to accept this will give Christian some peace of mind, and I owe him that much for helping Leila. Standing up, I look at Taylor. "Very well Taylor, but I accept the bodyguard only for the period of three months, after that we will re-evaluate the situation. I'm okay with the… tracker devices."

Then I turn toward Christian, who hasn't moved one single muscle of his face. The stress of the moment allows me to wear a mask too. "Thank you Christian. I really appreciate what you are doing for Leila and for me."

He doesn't answer, I guess studying how to handle THE situation and me. We don't need a discussion right now, and I'm feeling a bad energy invading me again, I need to move.

"Taylor, is there a gym in this place?"

He looks at Christian waiting for directions, but Christian remains staring at my face, impassible, in total silence. After a few seconds, eyes still fixed on me, he speaks. "Thank you, Taylor. See you tomorrow."

"You are welcome, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele, the gym is upstairs, gray door." And with that we are alone.

Today I was officially moving in, nevertheless my boxes are still in my car at GEH's garage. Somehow Paul managed to ruin our special moment. _Should I let him ruin it even more?_ I don't think so. I know Christian had a rough start in life, I also know it's not his fault he gets so stressed if I'm in danger. What is more, he's scared, I'm sure the mask's purpose is to hide that fact. I need him to remove it. I sit down staring back at him. The bad energy changes, now a firm resolution of fixing this.

After a while, he smiles. "What are you doing, Anastasia?" No mask. _Yes!_

"Waiting."

"For?"

"You." I smile too.

"What exactly?" He's amused, relaxed, I can tell.

"You know."

"No, I don't know, Anastasia."

"Guess." I bite my lip, this time on purpose. I hear his sharp intake of breath.

"I'm not in the mood." He breathes, his lips parting so that I can see his tongue. I blush helplessly, he wants to turn the tables on me.

"Neither do I." Standing up I free my hair. He's grinning salaciously at me.

He stands up too, walking slowly toward me. _Home run!_

"It's a bad moment, Anastasia." Oh, the way he's saying my name. _Bastard_.

I mirror his voice. "The worst, Christian."

I try to unbutton my blouse with one hand but I'm not that skilled and fail miserably. _Crap, strike one._ But of course, that amuses him even more. _Double bastard_.

"Do you need help?" He's as close as he can be without touching me, smiling his charming bad boy smile.

"No… maybe… I'm not sure."

"You are not sure?"

"Eh… no… yes." And I'm lost, hypnotized by his gray eyes, my brain having a short-circuit, I can't handle seductive Christian.

"Yes or not?"

"What?"

He chuckles. "Yes or not, Anastasia?" Oh dear, yes or not what? I can't remember. _Whatever it is say yes, I can't remember either_. For once we agree on something, cricket.

"Yes, please."

He starts unbuttoning my blouse, _right_ , with one hand. _Triple bastard, he'll see_.

I shake my head. "What about your mood?" His smile widens and I feel it, we've just defeated Paul recovering our moment. I'm moving in for heaven's sake, shouldn't it be like a honeymoon?

"Game over, Anastasia. I'm going to take you now."

…

Later in the afternoon, I change my clothes and go to the gym. Fortunately, there is a standing punching bag, good for kicking too. Exactly what I need now that the bad energy has come back.

Adopting the on-guard posture I imagine it's Paul, I can even see his face. And I start kicking as if my life depends on it, right leg, left leg, again, again. I hate him so much, I hate what he did to me, I hate what he did to Leila, I hate him, I hate him…

"Hey, slow down tigress or you will hurt yourself." Christian is here. I feel my face wet, I was crying angry tears. He wipes them from my cheeks and kisses me sweetly on my forehead. "I know baby, don't worry, I'll protect you."

Stepping back I put some distance between us. His eyes are suddenly wary.

"I'm not worried, I know you will protect me with the same devotion I'll protect you." I hesitate but take the risk. "With the same love." Stepping forward, I'm next to him again. "Right, Christian?"

After a few seconds, he smiles caressing my face. "Right, Anastasia… Now, that tigress, we need her fit and strong."


	25. Books

Chap. 25 Books.

APOV

Even though Christian did his best to calm me down, I'm too shaken by my nightmare and THE situation. I'm not able to close my eyes again. To remain quiet, embraced by Christian, is the best I can do at three in the morning.

I realize that now I use Paul's name in my thoughts, the stupid fantasy about avoiding him through avoiding his name has vanished. I shouldn't worry, Christian's team will get to him soon, he knew what bar I was in a matter of minutes.

What if Leila was lying and Paul is not out of control because of the picture? If he was following me, he surely saw me with José and nothing happened back then. No, he wasn't following me, he was just keeping an eye on me, where I live, where I work… I know Leila was saying the truth, maybe she exaggerated some facts in order to get my help, but that's all. My instincts tell me so. She was too thin, and the color of her skin, and the expression on her face, poor girl. Whether Paul is after me or not, she was in great need of help, and he is in great need of being tossed in a dark jail for the rest of his miserable life.

Instead of remaining in bed with these thoughts chastising me, I go to the library to look for what used to be my best friend after a nightmare, a book. This time, I sit on the carpet next to the panoramic window, next to the amazing view.

The second book is waiting for me, page 43.

 _'Someone much brighter than me once said that there is only one erogenous zone in the human body, and that's the space between the ears_.'

I'm the living proof of this. The shutdown of my brain resulted in the shutdown of my whole body. But what catch my attention from this book, is how the interviewed women describe themselves as someone who freely chooses how to exchange sexual pleasure, women that get in and out of the submissive-role as they wish, and not a socially conditioned subservient that is hit by a man in a non-pleasurable way. Their need to establish such a distinction is what interests me the most; they are extremely sensitive about the popular perception or, in this case, misperception. Every single interview, man or woman, dominant or submissive, shows the same, they feel misjudged.

While reading their classification I wonder, what am I? Un-subservient Anastasia? Mm, submissive/subservient/masochist. These are basics I need to know if I want to write a story about people that are currently facing prejudices and social stigma.

Finally, last page. Feeling satisfied, I close the second book and almost have a heart failure. Christian is sat in front of me, crossed legs, tapping his chiseled mouth with his index finger. _Shit, I got caught_. I can't even blink.

"Breath, Anastasia." Kate's maneuver, in, out, in, out. How much time has he been sat there? _Darned dissociation!_ And his ghost skills.

"Good reading?"

"Em… yes."

"Can I ask why are you reading that book?"

"Because…" I fail to organize the ideas inside my head.

"Because?"

"Because I'm curious…"

He stares at me. I squirm uncomfortably, hypnotized by his glare as I feel a slow flush spread across my face.

"Because I feel closer to you knowing what this's about. I need to know how I feel about all this."

The mask is suddenly on. Why? Is he worried I get judgmental about BDSM? No, it's not that, I wrote most of the answer to the magazine. Maybe he's afraid I'd leave if I find out what he used to do in a more detailed way.

"Susanne said the experience was pleasurable and satisfying." I surprise him.

"Why do you bring that up now?"

"I don't know what D&S elements you used, but I know it was consensual, I know you've stuck to the ethics. That's all I care about." He runs his long fingers through his disorderly hair. "I'd like to know, Christian."

"This's not a good moment, Anastasia."

"You're right." A wave of sadness takes over me. We should be focusing on our relationship, in this experience: honeymoon, romance… But here we are, stressed and scared. His radar always detects when I feel sad, so he opens his legs and pulls me closer to him, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear before kissing my head. _As usual, so sweet_.

"It's not your fault. We'll be careful until we know what is really going on."

I lean back on him and point to the window. "Look Christian, the sunrise!" He caresses my hair and we remain like this for a while, both diving in our own thoughts.

Slowly, the colors come out; sweet reds, pinks, and oranges vanquish the darkness. It's beautiful from here, the soft light gets brighter as morning moves over the city. Well, at least we have this, it's kind of romantic. Nature always has this positive effect on me, reminding me that I should be grateful for the luxury of being alive and enjoying its majesty.

"How many books have you read so far?" The atmosphere in the room changes, I can sense his concern. Well, at least I got my daily quote of romanticism, I've decided I need this to get through his mercurial personality for the rest of the day.

"A couple."

He sighs deeply. "That's not for someone like you, Anastasia."

I don't know what is really going on inside his head, but I make a promise to myself, I'll find out. Of course not today, as he said this's not a good moment.

"Maybe not, probably not, but I want to understand. Why is that a problem?"

"You wouldn't understand." We're still in the same position so I can't see his face, nevertheless, I notice a hint of sadness in his voice.

"I think you'd be surprised by the things I could understand, actually that happens with some frequency, that's why you keep saying I'm unexpected. I have read enough to understand that I have D&S oriented fantasies, it's not only Miss Steele or the damsel kidnaped by the pirate, I used to have that sort of fantasies when I was a teenager. Just to learn about it from someone specialized in sexuality, makes it worth the reading."

"Mm, that explains a lot."

"A lot?" I turn around, I need to see him.

"You switched too quickly and naturally, Anastasia. I don't know if that's common but I don't think so." His eyes sparkle and I want to believe he's more relaxed now about me reading those books. A shadow of a smile on his lips encourages me to go deeper.

"Was that unexpected?"

For answer, I get an enigmatic smile. "Mhm."

I grab his hand. "Then do me a favor. Stop expecting limitations from my side, if I reach a limit I'll make it clear."

He's serious all of a sudden, looking at our hands. "What you make me feel is also unexpected." His thumb strokes my knuckles, back and forth. I can see the huge challenge this relationship means to him.

"That's because you are so good at hiding your emotions, that you hide them from yourself too. You don't recognize them when they surface. But I know you, I saw the good in you even before meeting you for the first time, remember? You can't hide from me, Christian."

He cocks his head to one side smirking. "What are you? A seer?"

Shaking my head, I smile at him. "Just intuitive." Suddenly a new story sees the light inside my head. "I have another theory. Maybe you were sent from Asgard in a spaceship to find me, your gray eyes the signal I should recognize. You were genetically programmed to love just me, my blue eyes the signal you should recognize. What we feel for each other is totally new for both of us, scarily intense; we were waiting for our soul mate to wake up that dormant sentiment inside us, so the awakening is explosive. When our hands are entwined our touch is magical." I take Christian's hand, the back of mine inside his palm, and place it over his chest. "It's able to heal old and deep wounds in our souls from previous lives."

His left eyebrow pops up in disbelieve and then a huge smile is offered to me. I feel joy, I did that, he finds comfort in me. "I like Planet Ana. What happens next?"

I smirk. It's planet Ana indeed, but just the sunny side of it. "You took me with you to your spaceship stationed on the top of a skyscraper in a modern city, but I think it's too creepily white, so we paint the walls sky blue and gray, our signature. We slowly learn to be together, life wasn't easy until we run into each other, and some demons from the past haunt us making the whole process even more complicated. But now that we finally have each other, everything will be easier." _I hope so_.

"Too general." He pouts playfully.

"Well, Christian, we need to find out, at least it's an optimistic story. Do you want me to add some little ones? Half Asgardians, half humans?" Forget about playful, now he's horrified. I can't stop my laugh, the change on his face was so radical.

"No, no, no need. But what about a trip?"

"A trip?"

"What do you think?"

Is he inviting me to travel with him, or is it for the story? "I need to think about it, I don't have a reference."

"We could change that." He winks and rubs his cheek against mine, his stubble is rough, scratching my skin, and I realize there is a shadow over most of his face. He is letting it grow. _The pirate! I'll get a natural beard._ He looks so wildly handsome.

"After my birthday."

He frowns. "No. This week."

"This week I have to be here. I've scheduled meetings with some authors and it's important for me to feel that I'm not running away from Paul." And we are back to serious, back to our real issues. "Next weekend, Christian."

"It's not running away, you need to let go the stress. That nightmare was too intense, Anastasia."

"I have other ways to release the stress."

"How? Reading stuff you don't really understand?" The tension in his face creates a wrinkle on his forehead, and I know I have one on mine too. He's mad because he got a no.

"Look, Christian, I wouldn't underestimate the fact that you have been doing this for twelve years, but stop acting like you have the ultimate truth regarding BDSM. After all, you were initiated by a sick-child-molester-dominant, and you have been doing this with girls apparently recruited by the same hideous ex-dom."

His mouth is open in surprise and he's getting angry, I can tell, but he seriously needs to stop assuming that he knows what is going on inside my head.

"What the hell, Anastasia?"

"Ah, come on Christian. What I'm saying is that there could be a lot more than what you think you know regarding BDSM. This book, for example, shows that some dominants and submissives share love and friendship, not just endorphins and orgasms. And as far as I know, you have no experience in that area. There is a lot you don't understand either."

"Anastasia, I don't want to do that stuff with you. What I have with you is different, yes, but is enormously pleasurable too; and I want to keep it that way. I don't want you to think that you need to learn about BDSM just because of my past, when actually what I have with you is what I prefer, is what I want. You won't read that in any book, you need to talk with me."

The good thing about having a discussion with your man when you are sat between his legs, is that through the discussion you keep in mind how much he means to you. I remain in silence, taking some time to digest what he said. I realize that his experience regarding BDSM is too contaminated by that witch and his childhood trauma. He doesn't see it as something positive to share with me. I wonder if it's because he's afraid of my reaction if a see him playing his usual Dominant role, or if it's because he wants to cherish some pristine feeling regarding our relationship.

However, he's right in one thing, if it wasn't for his past I wouldn't be reading these books.

"Would you promise me something?" I caress his stubble and he closes his eyes, sighing deeply.

"What?"

"If you start missing the scene you will tell me immediately. Christian, to know that you are pretending to be, instead of being who you really are, would kill me. If you miss it, we could try different approaches, it could be new for both of us. Honestly, I'm not appalled by this."

"I promise." He nods, but I don't hear resolve in his voice. I change my position sitting right in front of him, astride him. I bite his upper lip and he hesitates but bites my lower lip, it's so erotic in a romantic way, I feel so connected to him when we do this.

"Promise again, I'm not convinced."

"I promise, Anastasia. Forget about my past, let's enjoy what we have." We stand up and he scoops me up, carrying me curled against his chest. "Take a shower with me, sweet girl." Is he afraid I'll stop being his 'sweet girl' because of the books?

…

In the back seat of the SUV, Christian and I are immersed in our thoughts. He's stroking my hand, kissing it from time to time, looking worried. I recollect the desperation and vehemence I saw earlier in the bedroom. There was no preamble; he just wanted to be inside me, his words, hugging me tightly, kissing me anxiously. It was passionate in a primal, frantic way, and even thought we climaxed intensely, what finally washed over us was unsettling. Maybe he needs that trip.

"I can cancel my meetings, Christian. Where would you like to go?"

His eyes widen in surprise and he smiles melting my heart. "I have a place in Aspen."

"Let's honeymoon in Aspen." I smile and wink. _Better now, that wink didn't seem a nervous tick._ Jeez, thank you cricket.

Clasping my face in both his hands he kisses me, again and again, all over my face. "We need this, Anastasia." He needs vacations, I'm just a good excuse. _You need vacations too_. Mm, probably.

Christian accompanies me to the door of my office and kisses me briefly in front of everybody, making me blush furiously.

"Don't go out without Taylor. He'll hire someone today, until then he's in charge of your security."

"Okay." He kisses me again and leaves, I get momentarily distracted by his elegant walk. In front of the elevator, he turns his head and catches me eyeing him. As if on cue, I blush. _Crap!_ Amused, he smirks and shakes his head, stepping into the elevator.

 _Oh God, I forgot I had an audience_. I just lost my dignity. This time, Mrs. McGrath is standing next to Glen, she narrows her eyes when I look at her. Waving a quick 'hello', I get inside my office.

I feel like if someone throws cold water in my face; on my desk there is something I recognize, a riding crop. Of course, they think I have that in common with Christian. It's interesting that I just read about people being intolerant toward BDSM, and here I'm, the victim of some stupid joke. I put the riding crop inside my bag wondering who did this. _That awful woman_. Maybe, maybe not.

Despite my conversation with Christian, I can't avoid reading about the lifestyle. Once I'm hooked, I don't let go. It's like if some virus has infected my system.

Taking out the third book, I start reading.

' _What the anti-kink fanatics don't understand about us is that we're geeks. Sex nerds. SM intellectuals. We pay money to spend a weekend going to classes._ '

I can't avoid a smile, is that what I'm doing? Becoming a sex nerd? Well, if you are going to become a nerd, sex is the best reason ever. I know how it's to live without sex, not even wanting it. My Asgardian God, blessed by Eros, gave me a beautiful gift in that boathouse. _Thank you, Christian, I love you!_

I already miss him. I can imagine his gray eyes staring at me. _Bad girl, Anastasia, bad girl. I told you not to read those books_.

' _Where many people are content to just sit back and let life happen, we're not…_ '

WRONG! That's not what we, some of the many people you are mentioning, do. We also have intense sex, love, and pleasant experiences. In my opinion it's so wrong to underestimate what others do and enjoy.

The book has some icky sections, scary even. I skip them, not interested, I'm not studying to pass any exam after all. But I have to admit it blows my mind a little. Where exactly are these classes offered?

Oh, no, I want to go to one of those classes. It's just a class _,_ right? I won't cheat on him, nobody will touch me. Is Christian going to hate me if he finds out? No, he loves me, he'll understand. _Tell him_.

God, I know this means trouble, I can smell it, I can feel it. _Anastasia Rose Steele, what the hell are you doing?_ Recovering control over my sexuality judge-cricket, the one that was snatched from me by Paul when I was 18. I'm just curious, for heaven's sake. _You felt uncomfortable inside his playroom_. That room is not my style, that's why, I don't like chains or cans or belts or so many handcuffs.

I'm really afraid of where my thoughts are going, Christian's room of truths. I better start calling those authors, I have a honeymoon ahead.


	26. August 30th

Chap. 26 August 30th.

APOV.

The book goes to one of the drawers and I turn on my computer to check my schedule, I need to cancel the meetings with the authors. There is a reminder, a session with Dr. Greene this afternoon. Should I cancel that? No, maybe she can help me with the nightmares, some tips to avoid them.

My phone buzzes, it's a message from Kate.

- **Airplane with Elliot ;) Back in 3 days. x**

Elliot is going to Barbados with her. Mm, she is honeymooning too, I hope she talks to him, or maybe she already did and that's why… Who knows, all this is so un-Kate. _Told you, Katherine Kavanagh, never say never_.

- **Enjoy, don't forget you are working too. x**

There is an e-mail from SIP, from Elizabeth, they are inviting me to have lunch with them and it's almost noon. I write a quick reply accepting and then cancel my meetings with the authors. To share some time with those women is an opportunity I won't lose, I like them.

What now? Ah, of course…

- **Hi. I need to go out, lunch at SIP. Please tell Taylor. Missing you x**

After the message, almost immediately, my phone starts ringing. I roll my eyes, who could possibly be?

-Hi, Christian.

+Is it mandatory?

-Yes. Could you send me Taylor's phone number, please?

Silence.

+I'll send him.

-Are you alright?

Silence again.

+I'm just worried. I'd go with you but I need to make sure everything is under control before we leave.

 _Hmm, under control_. I prefer the Company under control and not me.

-When?

+Tomorrow, early in the morning.

Looking at the star chart in front of me, I realize I miss my butterfly. I feel like the flower he said I'm, craving the joy of sharing my sweet nectar with him. _There are carnivorous flowers, you know?_ Yes, I dream about them eating a certain annoying cricket. _You just saw him three hours ago_. Still, I miss him.

-Are you alone right now?

+Yes, why?

-I need something from you, I'm going up.

Standing up, I stuff my notes on the manuscripts inside my too-big-but-super-useful bag and get out of the office sending a kiss to his constellation. I need to check the astronomy calendar, Neptune is at its closest approach to Earth in September and that blue giant is mind blowing.

On the 20th, I go directly to where Andrea is. I can't believe I'm now "friend" of some of the cold blondes, they turned out to be nice. It's not their fault, I'm sure on the job parameters the first and most important point is –don't be friendly to the visits and smile robotically.

"Hi, Andrea."

"Hi, Ana. What can I do for you?"

As usual, the polite assistant, even though we are now using our first names. I remember when Leila took off her sweatshirt in the car and we saw the scars on her arms. Andrea hugged Leila and that gesture made me see her in a new light, her beautiful face was contorted with emotional pain and rage.

"Thanks for accompanying Leila until her departure."

"It was the least I could do, Ana. Please, don't thank me."

I smile at her, she didn't do it as a job assignment. "He's waiting for me."

Before giving me a green light, Andrea sighs. "I know, go ahead." Does she have a crush on her boss?

His super door is partially opened, how strange. Distracted by Andrea's sign of sadness, I step in closing the door behind me while scanning the office. He's not here, maybe in his bathroom. Strong arms grab me by my waist making me jump scared. I recognize his hands immediately.

"Christian, you scared me!" He's being playful, un-CEO mode just for me.

Sliding my hair to one side, he presses his mouth against my neck. "What do you need, baby?" His teeth grazing my skin and that word, cause me to shiver. He's so physical now, I remember the first time I took his hand and he almost had a coronary.

"Some love."

"Just some?" I can feel his smile against my skin.

"Mhm, just some since there are people waiting for me."

He turns me around and kisses me softly, teasing my lower lip, nibbling on it. "What a shame, you're wearing a skirt."

"Do you prefer skirts?"

"Mhm, you have great legs." Yes, I do, that must be the only part of my body that I really like. Then, inspiration hits me.

"Christian, I'll come back, save it for later. I'll bring something with me to change this office a little." Ha, he looks preoccupied. "Don't worry, it won't be discordant and you will be able to maintain your intimidating strategy."

He chuckles amused, but I don't think that's amusing for the ones he had intimidated here. "Okay, I have a free hour after 5:30. That's Miss Steele's time, remember?"

Miss Steele's time! Back then that meant a very different thing. _Back then is like 9 days ago_. Come on, since I met this man one day is equivalent to ten days, minimum.

"I'm afraid just Anastasia will visit later."

He doesn't take it badly and smiles. "Anastasia will be very welcomed."

There is a knock at the door and Christian adopts the CEO mode. _So handsome!_

"YES?" That makes me jump. _Yep, CEO mode_.

Taylor enters with a woman, a very tall and muscular woman dressed in a dark somber pantsuit. _Oh my God, she looks like Brienne of Tarth_. And like the character she has a warm look, if you focus on her brown eyes, of course, the rest of her is way too serious.

"Miss Steele, please meet Miss Prescott, your CPO." I extend my hand immediately, her handshake is firm and warm. I like her, this's a whole new experience after all, I hope she doesn't see this like babysitting some millionaire's girlfriend. "Miss Prescott has been debriefed about the situation."

Shit, THE situation, Taylor always scares me, he makes me feel as if I were in great danger, which I know I could be, but please… "Nice to meet you, Miss Prescott. Taylor, I have to go to SIP right now, then I have an appointment with my doctor, and after that I have… em… a work meeting here at GEH. Could you please debrief me too? Tonight?" Yes, I'm sure this woman knows more about THE situation than me, inconceivable.

Taylor consults with his boss briefly, no need for words, and Christian nods. I can predict interference in such debrief, all I need to know is in Christian's head. "Very well, Miss Steele, Prescott will go with you."

I plant a soft kiss on Christian's cheek and leave followed by my lady-knight. When I was nine I fantasized about being a lady-knight with my own squire sharpening my sword, I'd killed so many dragons. Poor dragons, fortunately they didn't exist or they would have been in danger of extinction. I don't think fantasizing about killing something is positive, even if it's a mythical animal, but I was wild when I was nine, at least inside my head. I lost that at some point of my puberty, now is coming back as a sweet memory.

Inside the elevator, I start my interrogatory. "Miss Prescott…"

"Just Prescott."

"Oh, okay, Prescott, how much time have you been doing this?"

"Ten years." Very polite, poised, and serious. Modern Lady Brienne is all you'd expect from a professional CPO, an honorable warrior. I lost that dream at some point in my life, but Prescott pursued hers to the end. She has my respect for that.

"Can I ask why did you decide to become a CPO?"

She looks confused, I bet wondering where I'm going with this interrogatory.

"I'm a writer Prescott, it's just curiosity, I'd like to model a character after you."

Squaring her shoulders she shows me her CPO mode, she likes the idea of being inspirational.

"I was good at martial arts and kickboxing. Everything else flowed from there." She studies me and I'm sure the window to my soul is totally open for someone with her training. "Miss Steele…"

"Ana."

"What?"

"That's my name, Ana. You like to be called Prescott, I like to be called Ana."

She smirks. "Ana, as much as I like your writer's curiosity, you need to let me focus on my job. Please, once we step out of this elevator, I'd appreciate don't be distracted."

"You have my word, I mean, no more words."

When we get to my car she blocks me. "I'll drive, Ana. Please, give me your keys."

"Okay." I'm amazed, maybe I should be pissed but even though she is kind of trampling over me, she doesn't make me feel like that thanks to her politeness. "Where should I sit? In the back or…?"

"I'd prefer in the back seat of the car."

I obey, trying to not be a problem that could distract her senses. This car is not that big, but I'm not that big either, so I find a comfortable position and take my notes out to study them. Elizabeth mentioned lunch, but you never know.

…

In the communal kitchen at SIP I'm relaxed, everything looks clean and organized. These five women are so funny and clever, I'd like to work here with them in the future, they seem to be a good team.

"How did you find out about Hyde and me last Friday?" They have tried to avoid what brought us together, but that's not my style. It must have been really hard for them to work with Jack Hyde every single day, it looks like a nightmare to me. I prepare a big sandwich quickly while waiting for their answer.

Elizabeth smiles and accepts my question. "Glen called me. She worked here two years ago, we are friends." So, that's why she had Elizabeth on the phone. I guess I'm lucky after all.

"Who came up with the plan?"

"Actually, that was our second plan. We were evaluating to kidnap him, only our cowardice saved us from cutting his dick off."

"Oh wow, that's radical, I like it!"

"Fortunately, Hanna's uncle works for a company that installs and operates hidden cameras and microphones for network. Jack drugged and raped a couple of interns, Ana, that's why we decided to do something about it. To work here was getting unbearable, he's aggressive."

"I know. They didn't denounce him?"

"One did. It seems to be he kept pictures and videos from them, proving the opposite."

"Ugh. What about here? Why was he still working here?"

"We didn't have enough evidence, he said it was a complot against him and threatened to sue the Company. But now he's gone, let's change the subject." Things don't end just like that, some people are revengeful, and some men get obsessed with the women they abused, like Paul. He always knew where to find me and that's what scares me the most. What for? Why? He had Leila…

I stand up. "Excuse me, I'll go out for a second."

Claire points to my sandwich with curiosity. "What are you going to do with that?"

"My CPO hasn't had lunch yet, she is sat outside and must be hungry."

"A CPO? Why?" Mm, so Claire is the curious one in the team, Elizabeth the oldest, the one who express the group's sentiment.

"Because of the boyfriend. You know… Mr. Grey. She needs security." Hanna stands up and brings the newspaper from Saturday. The picture is there on the table. _Oh no! The scared owl.  
_

"Wow, you have to tell us the secret to get a man like that."

 _The secret?_ I can't tell them about the nightmares that made us run into each other. Actually, it's not just the nightmares what we have in common, it's the fact that we were harmed to that point where the painful memories remain inside our skulls, defining in some way what we do, what we want from life.

Sometimes we are like two hurt animals licking each other's wounds. Those are the most intimate moments. An outsider would say we are just lying in the bed, but we are there rebuilding ourselves, in silence, caressing each other's souls.

Outside the kitchen, Prescott stares at the sandwich surprised. "Ana, you shouldn't have."

"Come on Prescott, if you don't eat you will lose your speed of action, I can't allow that. It's for my own safety." I know I sound like my beloved control freak, but he's right, it's important to eat. She smiles accepting the sandwich and the bottled water, I smile knowing that Christian is succeeding in his fight against my 'bad eating habits'.

Once back inside, Elizabeth walks toward me. "Would you like to meet the person you will work with now?"

"Of course, I bring my notes just in case. I was about to ask you."

"Then come with me."

I hug my new friends Hanna, Claire, Karen, and Laura. Along with Elizabeth, they are a strong team, Hyde's victims that have become his worst nightmare. We still have a lot to do, Carl said he's facing from nine months to three years in jail for sexual assault and harassment, but we need to go and testify before a judge.

…

Mr. Roach is sat behind his desk, working at something on his computer, ignoring me. It's unnerving, it's Deja Vu. An old man who coughs a lot, I guess he smokes like a chimney and needs a cigarette right now to lift his mood. I've heard of him, he's been a jury member for the Pacific Northwest Writers Association.

My phone buzzes and there is a message from Christian.

 **-Is everything alright?**

 **+Yes, I'm waiting for Mr. Roach, meeting. Miss you, tigerfly.**

Why not? If he says I'm a tigress… And that animal suits him, a tigerfly, so strong and vulnerable at the same time.

 **-You are the tigress. I have some scars to show.**

Ha, what scars?

 **+Wimp!**

 **-Anastasia, we've been here.**

Right, his sub-jokes intolerance. Let's send him one.

 **+You'll need more than a couple of books. Actually I read another one, still no opportunities for you. Don't you have a Company to keep under control…?**

 **-ANASTASIA!  
**

I almost drop my cell phone. Jeez, what is his problem, he started with the joke.

 **+Are you yelling at me?**

 **-YES.**

 **+Then I'll reconsider my gift for your office.**

After a while, my phone buzzes again.

 **\- :(**

Oh dear, a sad face. I'm so weak.

 **+Just because I love you so much.**

Let's see what happens.

 **\- :)**

Yes, we are almost there, he just needs…

"Could you please stop playing with your cell phone?"

He is standing right in front of me, looking pissed. _Now you notice me, cranky old man_.

"Mr. Roach, I'm not playing, I'm working. My time is as valuable as yours." There you are, I won't make the same mistake. He's really tall, I should bring my Lady Brienne to teach him a lesson or two.

Suddenly he starts shouting at me.

"Missy, just because your boyfriend has money you don't have the right to come in here and behave like a spoiled princess. Who do you think you are?"

 _What? How dare he? And how does he know?_ Small company = small town. I concentrate on my breathing, I don't want to overreact. I stand up but the man is tall. _Mess with someone your own size._ Of course, his size…

Grabbing the chair arms for balance, I climb on it. I feel powerful, now I'm taller than him. I start shouting too, glaring at the cranky giant that I reduced to Grumpy.

"My name is Anastasia Steele, not missy. I demand to be treated with the same respect I've treated you. You can't shout at me like that just because you are older and have issues with cell phones."

I lower my voice. "Now, Mr. Roach, decide if we will shout at each other or if we will talk. As you can see, I shout too and I shout loud. Your call."

Utterly surprised, he stares at me. _Oh yes, you raised your head up, not nice ah_.

After a few seconds, he offers me his hand more calmed. "Let's talk. You have character, I like that."

 _Crazy, cranky, old man_. I accept his hand and step down from the chair, miraculously without stumbling.

He goes back to his desk looking at me intently, he is weighing me.

I square my shoulders, this's a decisive moment. I'm glad Mr. Benford told me to not let them bully me. "Mr. Roach. I admit being involved in a relationship with the CEO of GEH, but I'm here due to my hard work. I know this's unusual since I just graduated and GEH gave me such a big responsibility, so I'm willing to work with you with the humbleness of a student, and the determination of a counterpart. No more, no less."

"I don't have time for students, I'm just interested in publishing those books."

"Well, the truth is GEH offered this agreement to SIP pursuing my training, so my presence here is nonnegotiable. It's in the contract both companies have signed." I stand up. "I'll ask Elizabeth when is the new commissioning editor being hired, I hope soon or GEH will move on. Thanks for your time." _Or your no-time-at-all_.

"Not so fast! My turn." He stands up and I evaluate climbing on the chair again, but then he sits next to me and I sit too.

"You are here because of your boyfriend, don't fool yourself, but I'm glad you're aware you know nothing."

"I didn't say…"

"My turn." Do I need another domineering man in my life? _NO_.

"Do you have experience in publishing?"

"Em… no."

"Exactly, so we establish you know nothing."

"I have a degree and my GPA…"

"Not interested. But you have character and, what did you say? Mm, determination. I'm old, I need to pass my experience, I was looking for a boy but that little performance on the chair was good, maybe you are the one. This's a tough environment, I won't waste my time with some weak princess."

I'm surprised but try to feign indifference. "Ask Jack Hyde about my weakness."

His face is contorted with disdain. "That sleazeball! But he was good in this world…"

I can't control myself, I stand up. "That's the most cynical comment I've heard this year. You were all accomplices if you knew what he was doing."

"He was just bothering the girls." He stands up and walks toward the window lighting a cigarette and exhaling the smoke outside.

"He was a rapist, and even if he wasn't, the harassment was unbearable for your coworkers, some of them even quit."

"That's their problem, as far as I know they solved it." The ultimate cynical. "Look… eh… what was your name again?" _Asshole, he knows my name_.

"Steele."

"Right. Look, I'm sick and don't have much time, I could make an exception and pass my experience to you, but I won't put up with any insolence. Since your boyfriend will end up buying SIP for his princess, I guess you are the right candidate."

I just sit and sink into the chair. I know this man could be a good tutor, but he is an arrogant cynic, maybe to see the lady-in-black closer will make him more tractable. This's the second time in a week I have to face the issue of death, it unsettles me, makes me nervous. And what was that about Christian buying SIP? Mental note: what the hell, Christian? _After the gift_. Before. _After_. Before. _Sad face_. Okay, after.

"What do you mean? Is he buying SIP?"

"If your communication channels don't work that's not my problem, but he'll buy it." He's right and I hate it. He's finishing the cigarette, that was fast, he didn't even savor it…

"I have one condition, you will treat me with respect." I straighten my back again.

"Yes, yes. Let's move on. Do you write?"

"Yes."

"Why?" He sits back on his desk and I feel nauseated by the smell in the room. I guess I'd have to get used to it.

"What do you mean? I like writing."

"Before that, how did you start?"

"Well, I used to write comments on fiction stories posted on the internet, you know, there is some interaction between the writer and the reader, and I realized that I wanted some of the authors to change their stories, I imagined them different inside my head. One day I wrote a short story according to what I wanted and now I can't stop."

"Great, so you started giving a hard time to the writers."

"What? No, I was trying to help."

"Yeah, right, whatever. That's good because that's what you will learn to do here, really help the writers, sometimes becoming a Muse, sometimes their worst nightmare. We operate at two levels, first: generating ideas to propose them to an author, second: working on improving book proposals already written. For that, you need to understand the market and SIP's place in it."

"I know, I completed a training course three months ago for commissioning editors and managing editors."

"That means you are not in diapers, you are on potty training." I have to laugh, this man is insufferable.

"Right. I bring my notes on the manuscripts."

"You have ten minutes."

Shit, ten minutes?

"Twenty."

"Fifteen, starting now."

Deep inside me I have to admit that I like his style, getting straight to the point and not giving me any privileges given my relationship with Christian, which now is _vox populi_.

…

Dr. Greene's office transmits peace. Mr. Grumpy transmits stress and anxiety, God, what a difficult man and what an opportunity to learn from him.

I explain quickly to Dr. Greene that I don't think I'll need her help in the future since my 'problem' is not a problem anymore.

"Anastasia, I understand your point of view, you came here because of a situation that you think is now solved, but I advise we continue with our sessions for a couple of months."

"Why?"

"You suffered sexual assault for a period of four months, and it was difficult for you to retell your story. Many sexual assault survivors experience long-term or even permanent sexual aversion, which you recognized, but also psychological distress expressed as sleeping disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse, dissociation." _Dissociation?_ It definitively got worse after Paul.

"I have nightmares."

"Like flashbacks?"

"Yes."

"That's not irreversible."

"No?"

"We should work on that, flashbacks cause constant re-victimization. That means you will relate new experiences to the assault, your reactions will be out of context, sometimes overreacting, others being extremely insecure and scared."

"I understand, I agree."

"But let's go back to your sexual aversion, I'm not sure that's totally closed. Do you find sexual relations with him satisfying every time?"

"Yes and no."

"Elaborate, please Anastasia."

"I feel satisfied but I'm not sure about him, which always worries me. I know nothing about sex, and he's kind of an expert." I snort, yes he is.

"Have you two talked about why he used the word 'frigid'?"

"Em… well…"

"What?"

"It's not the same guy." _Oh dear, how embarrassing_.

"How come?" She stops writing and raise her head to look at me.

"I had this friend and… mm… we were spending a lot of time together. It just happened, I think I love him, we are deeply connected."

"You think you love him?"

"Yes, it's like a tsunami of emotions, I always want to be with him, to feel his skin, to hear his voice. When we are together it's exquisite, it's home. The rest of the time I need him, I miss him every second, that part worries me a little."

Smiling sweetly she resumes the writing. "Don't worry, that's normal, in the first phase you experience what is called passionate love, more or less what you are describing. Is this the first time you have felt this tsunami?"

I nod, I've never felt this for anybody, I liked some boys in high school but it's not the same.

"So, you believe he's not satisfied. Have you talked to him about that?"

"No. But I've been researching."

"Researching?" She slowly raises her eyebrows, surprised.

"I found these books about BDSM. He used to do that before." Fidgeting in the seat, I pick at my nails. "Before me."

Dr. Greene places the notepad and the pen on the small table that is between us. "BDSM?"

"Yes."

"Has he asked you to do that?"

"No, he asked me to stop reading. He said he doesn't want to do that with me, he likes what we are doing so far."

"Which is?"

Am I supposed to talk about this with this woman? Doctors inquisition is the worst one. "I don't know, traditional? We also did some role play, not related to BDSM."

"And that's what you describe as satisfying, but you are not sure about him."

"Exactly."

"Does he look satisfied at the end?"

"Mm… yes, I'm not sure. He told me so… a couple of times."

After a few seconds studying my face, she finally talks with resolution.

"Anastasia, I don't think those books are a good idea."

"Why?"

"It's like wanting to get to the other side of the river crossing a broken bridge."

"What?"

"You recovered your libido but you need to reconcile that with your reconstruction as a sexual being. That takes a little longer, that's why you are experiencing insecurities. Do you take the initiative at some point during intercourse? Do you propose some specific foreplay? Do you tell him what you want?"

Do I? "No."

"Work on that. Ask yourself. Ask him. Tell him what you prefer to do. Explore your senses and situate what you want at the same level of what he wants. Both taking the initiative at different moments."

She studies my face. "Am I clear?"

I lower my head, feeling like if I did something wrong. "Yes."

"Don't feel bad, Anastasia. Look, it's important you build a healthy sexuality, which means communication at every level. First you need to know what you want, then you need to work on communication. BDSM implies a strong conviction about your preferences. You won't have that conviction if you don't know who you are first. You are not reading because you feel attracted to BDSM or because you have internal doubts. You are reading because you feel this necessity to satisfy him. Doesn't it ring any bells?"

Of course it does. All of them complaining about not being satisfied… except for Christian. I feel a couple of tears running down my cheeks.

"Explore having sex at the same level with your lover before exploring a sexuality that implies assuming an internal differentiation, control, power, denial. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying -give your back to BDSM-, but this is not the moment. Let's wait a year, use this year to actively discover who you are as a sexual being, step by step. Don't be alone in the process, you need his participation."

…

Lady Brienne is driving, she is preoccupied, glancing at me in the rear-view mirror every two minutes, but I'm okay after the mental beating Dr. Greene had given me. I already know what I need after that, ironic.

I have half an hour so I get prepared in the bathroom next to my office, cleaning, combing and considering what the good doctor said. Everything makes sense. So far, is being a good day, long since it started so early, I'm tired.

At 5:30 I'm knocking at his door. Andrea is looking at me serious, in a pensive way. I guess she has dreamed about her boss noticing her, noticing her dedication, her devotion, her impeccable presence. I need to talk with her.

…

…

CPOV.

Anastasia is here but she doesn't bring anything, I guess no gift after all. It doesn't matter, this time is for her, at least half an hour. I sit with her in my lap, wrapped in her warmness, her scent. I'd like to have her here after every meeting.

"Another book, Anastasia?" I ask, humbled and anxious at once. I'm worried since this morning. Why is she thinking in that? I haven't done anything that could suggest I want her in my playroom. Maybe I said or did something that misled her. I don't want her subdued by my demons; on the contrary, she is the one with the whip in hand, putting them to sleep.

She widens her eyes surprised, I notice uncertainty. "Last one Christian, I promise. Let's focus on my gift."

"What gift? You bring nothing."

"Are you sure?" I look again, her hands are empty and she's smiling. Something unexpected, for sure, I better get ready.

"I'd like to have you sat in the corner the whole day, Anastasia, as a wax figure, but I guess it's not that."

"Creepy!"

Chuckling I nuzzle her hair. "Then what is it?"

"A new memory." She speaks quietly in my ear. "Us. Here."

"What do you mean?" I know what she means but I want to see her blushing while explaining.

"You know."

"No, I don't know, Anastasia." There it's, so easy, beautiful pink surrounding beautiful blue.

"I want… you know… in your desk."

"My desk?"

"Yes." Interesting. "Just we will know, Christian. I want you to remember us, here, every time you feel tired or angry or anxious."

And she does it again, raising what was ordinary in my life, just pleasant diverting pastime, to extraordinary: sweet memories that will allow me to escape from the prison of my aloneness. The best gift, this sense of feeling cherished, irreplaceable.

"Look at me." She surprises me, why is she laughing?

Her soft hands caress my hair, it feels so good. "Christian, I'm going to say something and I don't want you to answer. I'm not saying that I'll be fine if you don't answer, no, just don't say anything."

She stares at my eyes, unnerving as usual, what is she seeing?

"I love you, Christian, with all my heart."

"Oh, Anastasia." I close my eyes, the now familiar sensation surges and fills my chest once more. It's like homesickness and a homecoming rolled into one.

She hugs me. "Don't say anything, Christian, just feel it."

Clasping her face in both my hands I kiss her, feeling it as she requested. And there it's, a new urge, a new impulse I can't control. I want her to know, I want her to feel the same.

"I love you too, Anastasia."


	27. Mixed feelings

Chap. 27 Mixed feelings.

CPOV

"I love you too, Anastasia."

Immediately after it's out I feel better. It's strange to hear it in my own voice, out loud, but there is no other way to name what I feel for her, this sense of wholeness, this new emotion that makes everything else fade into insignificance.

After the release, the relief. And after the relief, the tension is back. I don't know what's next, it's like falling into an abyss of incertitude. But if Anastasia is falling with me, it's worth it. _Where is she?_

I open my eyes to see her staring at me sightlessly, mouth open, immobile. Is she even breathing? _She left me here and went to Planet Ana!_ I smile, my loony girl, I'd like to go there with her.

"Anastasia." Nothing.

"Anastasia… I miss you." She blinks and smiles her beautiful smile.

"Christian…" Her arms around my neck in a tight hug are what I need to erase the tension. "You said you love me, you came down the ladder, you are here with me."

"What?" _The ladder?_

"I'm really curious about what the hell I'm doing with a ladder on Planet Ana, but I want my present now, so I'm going to unwrap it." She giggles and stands up to go to my desk, sitting on it and raising the hem of her skirt slowly, tantalizingly. Every hair in my body jumps to attention.

"Christian, lock the door and come here." Her whisper and mischievous smile are inviting and I willingly embrace the complicity with Anastasia, the thrill of spontaneity, there is not script or planned scene, just adventure. I savor the feeling and fold my arms tightly around her. With one hand in her hair holding her in place we kiss softly, slowly, like our first kiss. This is meant to be memorable, I'll always have this.

…

"Christian, are you okay?"

The warmness emanating from her body doesn't let me raise my head, I feel so attached to her right now. It's still new to me, the confusing array of emotions that comes mixed with the pleasure, everything tangled inside my chest.

"You are heavy, my arms are tired."

 _Her arms!_ She's supporting our weight with her forearms. I stand quickly massaging them. "Better?"

To my surprise, she smiles. "I'm okay, Christian, don't start worrying." I remove the condom and discard it discreetly on the floor while she kisses my forehead sweetly, taking me back to our afterglow. "I want this wrinkle gone." She kisses me there again and I wrap her in my embrace, closing my eyes and burying my face in her hair, inhaling her seductive scent. _If only this were enough to keep her here with me, forever._ She doesn't know about my new nightmares, her body becoming ethereal, disappearing gradually, my life empty and miserable. I need these days in Aspen, Anastasia just for me while she still wants to be with me.

"Christian, the wrinkle is back, what is it?"

"It's just… I don't want to lose you." _Shit, her scent always erasing my self-control_.

"Oh Christian, again? Look at me, please." I open my eyes. Her beautiful face shouldn't be that serious, I need to filter my words. She grabs my face with her soft hands. "I'm not going anywhere, to me you are home. Once out of this office I'll start missing you, counting the minutes to be with you again in the creepiest way. I want to sniff you all the time, I want a wax figure too, one I can take with me everywhere, my mini-Christian." My smile is back, that's her way to tell me she feels the same than me.

Suddenly, she hugs me tightly. "I understand you, I'm afraid too. I'm afraid you get tired and leave me."

We are in the same place, living whatever this is full of insecurities and fears. My fault, for telling her so many times this wouldn't last. "I want you with me forever, Anastasia. I can't imagine my life without you, I can't even imagine my afterlife without you."

Anastasia freezes in my arms, I break the hug to look at her face. She is immobile again, her mouth open, her hand on her chest like if she is in pain. "Anastasia, are you alright?"

"Oh my God, Christian, you did it again, that's the most beautiful thing someone has ever told me."

Her heartfelt smile and the sparkle in her eyes are all to me, I feel better now and caress her silky hair wanting to reassure her. "You are my family now. Family, home, we have said this a few times already, right?"

"Family is a big word, Christian, maybe too big for us."

"But that's what comes to my mind when I think of you." I stroke her face, she is so young and yet has endured so much already. "My family of choice."

Mirroring me, she strokes my face. "You are so intense and deep, Christian. It's sweetly and beautifully creepy. When you speak like that I think of you biting my neck, I think of Asgardian vampires. You have no idea how much I love that in you." She hugs me again and the new emotion floods through me wave after wave, as gentle and constant as the sea on a beach.

"What time is it, Christian?" _Shit, my meeting with Ros!_

"6:15."

"We still have a few minutes. What do you have in mind for Aspen?"

"Well, the Festival ended last week, so the town should be emptier. We could go hiking, biking."

"How many days do you have in mind?"

"I need to come back Thursday night."

"Then I'll go to buy trail shoes and underwear since you keep ruining it."

I have to laugh, she's right. "Buy a nice dress, I'll take you to my favorite restaurant there."

Her eyes widen impossibly, the previous amusement erased from her face. _What did I say?_ "But Christian, Aspen is for people like you, too many forks and spoons!"

"Second lesson Anastasia. You already agreed."

"Oh, Christian, why? I'll get more stressed, I'll have awful nightmares, your fault."

"Anastasia, your nightmares are a serious issue for me."

"For me too, zombie forks will attack me in my dreams, you'll be responsible for that."

"Anastasia…" I manage to mask my smile.

"On one condition."

Surely a challenge.

"Thursday is mine, I'll decide where we go and what we do. Tuesday and Wednesday, _prince's_ time, Thursday _pauper's_ time."

"Mm, to me is more like beauty and the beast."

She rolls her eyes exaggeratedly. "The same, the beast was a prince, Belle was broken."

I roll my eyes like she did. "The same, I prefer this pair. Now, a kiss to seal the deal."

"Christian, I like it. I can afford that." She puts her arms around my neck giving me a sonorous kiss. Such small things and she makes everything so special.

"I'll go to your bathroom five minutes and then I'll leave." Getting down my desk, she straightens her clothes, then waves her hand signaling around us. "Don't you notice something different? Look at the walls."

"What is it, Anastasia?" I smile, expecting the extraordinary.

"Love, Christian, splashed on every wall. Only for your eyes." She certainly managed to change my office dramatically without spending one cent.

After Anastasia disappears into my bathroom, I get rid of the condom and sit to check the documents for the next two meetings. I like the idea of escaping for a couple of days. It's been more than a year since I took some days off, when my grandfather died. I went to Aspen too, to deal with my grief instead of letting my grief deal with me and my submissive.

The intercom buzzes. "Yes?"

"Ms. Bailey is here to see you, sir."

I tuck my shirt into my pants and run my hand through my hair. Opening the door I let Ros in, she doesn't like to wait and enters like a bulldozer, as usual.

"Grey, we checked everything again and detected tax evasion, you were right."

"You already know what to do. And keep an eye on Balter, I'm sure he concealed information regarding the transferred assets, he's not in our corner anymore."

"Will do. About SIP…" I raise my hand to stop her, maybe Anastasia can hear us.

"Not now, Ros."

Ros opens her mouth to protest but the sound of the bathroom's door being opened stops her. Anastasia is out in a second, she widens her eyes when notices Ros and walks toward us.

"Anastasia, this is Ros Bailey, my chief operating officer." How should I introduce her? Friend, employee? She's living with me for heaven's sake. "Ros, my girlfriend, Anastasia Steele."

Suddenly, Anastasia trips and her feet falter. She avoids the fall thanks to the chair in front of her. In one second I'm grabbing her by the shoulders.

"Anastasia, are you alright?"

"Em… yes, I…"

She looks at me as if I've grown three heads and I realize what just happened. Smoothing her hair from her face I whisper in her ear. "Do you agree?"

I get a soft murmur for an answer. "Yes." Then turns her head to look at Ros. "It's nice to meet you. I'll see you later, Christian" She hesitates but plants a swift kiss on my lips, I'm not sure if she is okay with what I said.

"Wait, Anastasia." I take the envelope with her new credit card out of one drawer, it's been there for two weeks. "Use it." I hope she doesn't start a discussion in front of Ros.

She opens the envelope and there it's the small v above her nose. "No."

So, she doesn't care about Ros. Exasperating woman, always the threat of a _No_ from her mouth. "We'll discuss it later, Anastasia, use it today. I have a meeting now." Ros sits looking at us, enjoying the show.

"I don't need that, thank you."

"Anastasia…"

A sense of irritation invades me but I get a warning look, so I lower my voice. Why is she resisting such a simple thing? "Please."

She gives Ros a fleeting glance and gets out of the office with her credit card. _Finally_. I'll deal with her angriness later.

"That's why you've been distracted?"

"I'm not distracted, I just need more time to myself. You can hire help if you need it, I'm leaving tomorrow until Friday morning. My cell phone will be on, though."

One minute later there is a knock at the door and Andrea comes in. "Mr. Grey, Miss Steele said it was urgent." She hands me a yellow envelope and I open it. There is the credit card, the document from the bank, and a note. ' _I accept to live in the highest tower, to travel to the most exotic places, to struggle with the fanciest forks, but not this. Still loving you._ '

Frustrated and confused, I put it back in the drawer. I don't get it. "Thanks, Andrea."

Ros chuckles amused. "It just gets worse, Grey, get used to it. It's the same with Gwen."

I ignore her comment and go back to our problem with Balter, I won't exchange relationship advice with Ros.

…

…

APOV

 _He introduced me as his girlfriend!_ But I'm mad at him, five seconds later he gives me money. Wrong, he could have chosen another moment for that, how dare he to challenge me like that in front of a stranger.

Andrea gets out of his office with a confused look on her face, was he rude because of my note? I don't want to think about her boss and his tricky way to give me the credit card, I need to find out what's wrong with her.

"Andrea, did I offend you in some way?"

She avoids my gaze. "I don't know what you are talking about."

 _Am I doing the right thing?_ If she has a crush on her boss she obviously won't tell me, that's personal. "Look, you've been acting strange since this morning, something happened."

She studies my face and after a few seconds talks. "I heard you want us out of GEH."

 _What?_ "That's a lie, I'd never do something like that!" Then a conversation from the past flies back to me - _you won't hesitate taking some of us down on your way up_ -. "Who told you that? Was it Mrs. McGrath? Do you know her?"

Andrea's eyes widen and I have my answer. _That awful woman_.

"Andrea, I'd never dare to interfere in Christian's work, in Christian's team. Actually, I'm planning to work for another company once I finish my internship here. And I'm not jealous of any of you."

I leave knowing that Andrea feels better. Do I have that power? To make him fire his blondes? I don't think so, and I won't find out.

I can't figure out McGrath's intentions, her actions seem so useless and pointless to me. Does she intend to create a hostile work environment around me? Turning Christian's closest employees against me? But, why? Why does she hate me? She is risking her position and this company is so big, so many people work here, it doesn't make sense. _You need to do something about this dung beetle_. I know cricket, she has my attention now, and do not offend dung beetles, they are marvelous. Along with humans, they are the only animals on this planet that can find their way home using the stars.

Once in my office I put one manuscript inside my bag, maybe I'll have some free time to start reading it. Opening the drawer I see the BDSM book and Dr. Greene's words resonate inside my head, _communication, same level_.

Is that what Christian values? Is he as insecure as I am? No, he never looks insecure, anguished maybe. _He needs to choose by himself, he didn't have the opportunity, we've been here already_. That's right, but the good doctor said I should worry about myself too, that I didn't have the opportunity either. Shaking my head, I close the drawer and try to focus on my honeymoon.

A doubt assaults me, what does 'a nice dress' mean to him? I've never worried about appearance, clean and sober is enough for me. Kate always complains and helps me to combine my clothes, which I enjoy because I need to dress my characters and I learn from her, but she's not here now. I guess Lady Brienne won't be helpful and I can't run away from this like I did when I was 15.

Getting out of my office I decide to lock the door, I've never done that before but someone is disrespecting my space, peeing in my corner like a wild cat. I'm taking a copy of my notes with me just in case.

"Glen, I'll be out of Seattle until Friday. If anything happens, important or not, please send me a message. I know you're not my secretary, I'm asking you this as a favor."

"Don't worry Ana. Have a safe trip." She smiles and winks.

"And thank you Glen, Elizabeth told me." I grab his hand feeling my chest full of gratitude.

"Ana, when I saw him getting out of the elevator I almost pass out, that man is horrible. I should have called Mr. Grey."

Mr. Grey? "You can call Miss. Prescott, she will be working with me for a couple of months." I make a sign to my lady Knight and introduce her to Glen.

While introducing Prescott I realize I've been impolite, she is a person not just my CPO, I should introduce her to everybody. On the first floor, I walk toward Sawyer. "Prescott, this's Sawyer, he's part of the security staff in the building. Sawyer, this is Prescott, my CPO."

Sawyer stares at her a little longer than he should, then takes Prescott's hand in an old-fashioned gesture, kissing it. "What a great pleasure." Prescott blushes and I can't believe what is going on in front of me. _Oh… my… God, Lady Brienne met her Tormund, he appreciates her beauty! Am I Cupid?  
_

Inside the car, I watch Prescott, not sure about asking her. "Prescott, I need to buy a dress but I don't know where and I don't have much money. Any idea?"

"There is a place where my sister buys designer dresses at a relatively good price." Wow, Prescott's sister must be outgoing and sophisticated.

"Take me there, please Prescott."

The place is big but Prescott leads me to the sale rack in the back, nice dresses and friendly prices, I underestimated Prescott. _Yes, she looks more like you, no sense of style at all_. Appearances can be deceptive, you are a judge cricket, you should know better.

Suddenly, a black shadow attracts my attention. _Shit, the predator is here too_. What were the odds?

"Prescott," I murmur giving my back to the awful woman. She notices my uneasiness and stands on guard. "There is a criminal that I need to avoid or I will end up in jail tonight. The one in black, at your 5. I'm not in danger, she is. I need a human wall, be my human wall, please." She is certainly big enough to cover two like me.

Prescott looks confused but stands between the pedodator and me. _Focus on the dress, he said nice, please choose nice for once_. Come on cricket, some faith would be helpful.

So many dresses, I never know what to choose. Prescott points to one and there it's, a white dress with black Arabic pattern, little flowers and butterflies, rounded neckline, sleeveless, knee length. I immediately love it, it looks simple yet elegant and I already have black sandals. "You'll need this too." She hands me a beautiful black cardigan.

"Prescott, you are full of surprises!"

I like my Lady Brienne even more, a woman who defies every standard: too tall and wide in bone structure, physically strong, attracted to combat sports, fierce. Not a wallflower at all. And yet, she got shy when Sawyer kissed her hand, she is kind and humble. She knows about dresses, but she is not hiding her silhouette beneath tricky garments. Her life, her image, her own unique femininity. A new story based on Miss Prescott and Miss Kavanagh is born inside my head. They are both legitimate versions of womanhood, it's a shame our society just appreciates one.

Suddenly, a hated voice startles me. "He doesn't like white dresses, he prefers black."

The pedodator surprises us and I can see the change on Prescott's stance. I put a hand on her shoulder. _I got this Prescott_. Remembering Mr. Roach, I try to feign the same cynic attitude.

"I didn't ask for your opinion."

"It's not my opinion, I just know him well. He doesn't like white on his subs, that's a fact." She's smiling sweetly. _Right, the actress_.

"Since I'm not his sub, I guess white is perfect." She looks confused for a second and then wears a sphinx-like smile. I can see Prescott is paying attention.

"Then what do you think you are? Whatever it's, it's just a fantasy inside your head."

"That's none of your business." Then I have an idea. "But since you are interested…" I take my phone out of my bag and call him, this's not my war, not even my battle, even though I'm in the middle of it and I won't be a passive spectator.

-Anastasia, are you alright?

 _My tigerfly, always worrying_.

+Christian, hi. I'm here with Prescott buying the nice dress you suggested for our date…

I can see the bitch-troll's face losing color, becoming ashen.

… but someone showed up telling me that it's not appropriate for a sub, that you wouldn't like it…

Silence, he knows who I'm talking about.

… I'm telling her I'm not interested in her opinion, but she insists in knowing you better than me.

-I'll call her, just… ignore Elena.

+That's what I intend to do baby, I love you too.

Well, that last part was kind of feigned but who cares, it's not a lie. He told me, I didn't coax that out of him, he spoke from his heart, I know it. And 'baby', hmm, that adds so much intimacy to the equation...

She is in shock. _Yes, you and his biological mother made him believe that he doesn't deserve love, what is more, he constructed a life ignoring the fact that he's truly and sincerely loved by his family, ignoring the fact that he's loveable; but now he's daring to love openly, he's daring to love me and accepts my love_.

Feeling special and loved by my beautiful Asgardian God, I end the awful encounter. "If you'll excuse me." I walk triumphantly to the fitting room, I managed to treat her with indifference, she wasn't able to ruin my evening and she knows it.

The dress makes me look 'nice', I like it. Prescott gives me the thumbs up, my CPO-style-adviser agrees.

My eyelids feel so heavy, such a long day, I just curl up on the back seat of the car. "Take me home, Prescott, please." My old trail shoes will resist one more challenge, and I can buy underwear in Aspen. I have no more energy.

"Of course Ana." She now knows that my relationship with Christian is a little more complicated than what can be seen from outside. I wonder if she knows what 'sub' means, I guess she read that article, or maybe her sister did. I have to meet the sister, I'm curious.

…

Once at Escala, my lady knight wakes me up.

"There are three boxes in the trunk of the car, Prescott, could you please help me carry them to the penthouse?" I grab one box despite her resistance, she needs to know that I'm strong too. Prescott takes the other two and my suitcase. _Wow, I'm not that strong_.

I remember telling Christian that we were opposites, complementary opposites, this is another example. He owns so many things, and my life can be storage in three or four boxes. _The books_. Right, the books, but I didn't bring those with me, let's see first if this last, at least a couple of months.

We place everything in 'my old bedroom', I don't want this mess in Christian's super-bedroom. Gail enters immediately after us. "Ana, your dinner is served."

"Oh Gail, I'm not hungry."

"Please Ana, eat something or he'll fire me." She winks to let me know she's joking. Well, I know she is not joking, one of her new tasks must be – _make sure she eats_. I roll my eyes heavenward.

"What about Prescott?"

"Don't worry, Ana, I cooked for them too. They have their own space with bedrooms, a kitchen, and a dining room." It's good to know that, I need privacy. I like lady Brienne but it's enough with Taylor and Gail always around. That makes me uncomfortable.

"See you tomorrow, Ana, I'm going to Aspen too." What? Why? What about my honeymoon? I'm worried about my privacy again, I need to fix that.

"Good night, Prescott, thanks for the help, and please tell Taylor I'm too tired for the debrief."

I eat, take a shower, and go to 'my bedroom' to select what I need for the trip.

…

I wake with a jolt, disorientated. _Where am I? Ah, the boxes._ I see Christian sat in the bedroom chair, watching me with a glass in his hand. He's drinking something strong, I can smell it from here.

"Hi." Embarrassment invades me. _How long has he been here watching me sleep? Did I snore?_

He narrows his eyes. _What is his problem? Why is he wearing the mask?_ "Why are you sleeping here, Anastasia?"

So that's his problem, he's is masking his insecurity. Must be the 'Elena Lincoln' situation, he must think I'm regretting my decision. I sit up.

"I was choosing what to take to Aspen. Can't remember when I fell asleep, I was so tired, you know my day started at three in the morning."

The mask disappears and I see his anguish. "Come here, Christian. I've missed you so much."

He puts the glass on the floor and crawls in the bed, humbled and hurt. He was scared and that makes my heart tightens painfully. My body welcomes him, his head resting on my belly, my hands caressing his unruly and soft hair, his arms around me. _Peace_.

"I love you, Christian. I trust you. I need you. I admire you." He turns his head to look at me in disbelieve. "You know it, I told you in the park, remember? I didn't know you were… you, so it counts double." His smile is my undoing, that's one of the main purposes of my life, to make him smile from his heart.

I'm really curious about his conversation with that dangerous pedodator, but this is not the moment. "Let's sleep Christian, there is a honeymoon ahead and you'll need your strength, I have expectations." I wink, now I know how to wink mischievously, I've been practicing, I'm proud of myself. He chuckles and pulls me down, into his embrace.

"Without you there is only darkness, Anastasia, nothingness." I feel my heart melting, that's _'I love you'_ in vampire language.

"Oh Christian, you are so romantic, so creepily romantic." He chuckles again and covers us with the duvet. It doesn't matter which bed we sleep in, as long as we are together.


	28. Sweet darkness

Chap. 28 Sweet darkness.

APOV

There are hundreds of butterflies flying over my face. Maybe from afar it could seem beautiful but the truth is it feels weird. _Pfft, pfft, get out of my mouth_. They've been drinking. Are the butterflies drunk? _Come on Freud, what is this?_

My eyes flicker unwillingly open for a split second and there is Christian, kissing my face softly. The hairs of his incipient beard were the butterflies' wings. Being kissed by a man with a beard is different, even though it's still a shadow, a growing shadow.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty."

 _No, not yet_. A groan is enough to make it clear.

"Come on, there is a mountain waiting for us."

Another groan. The mountain won't move, it's a mountain for heaven's sake!

"Stop groaning, I already told you, that turns me on and I don't want to lose the flight!"

I don't care about the flight, but the 'turns me on' part gets my attention, his male scent does that to me. This is not the first time the anxiety leaves that strong scent on him, it's irresistible. I open my eyes again and he chuckles, he knows. _Bastard_. "Lose the flight? Are we taking a scheduled flight?"

"No, but we already have a flight plan to stick to."

The dawn is just threatening. "It's still dark, Christian."

"Best time to get up. Where is your suitcase?"

"Under the bed."

He starts to stand up and I pull him down, hugging him around his waist, I need to know. He's acting like nothing happened a few hours ago, but the drunk butterflies and the alpha-male-scent brought it back to me. "What happened last night?" Maybe that awful woman told him some lie, after all, she is a consummated actress and he was wearing that awful mask I hate so much. Yes, awful woman - awful mask, it's all part of the same equation.

I can't see him, his face is buried in my hair but I hear his sigh. "I don't know, you were here, your clothes were here. I thought…"

"I got it." Taking his head in my hands, I make him look at me. We need to solve this, it's starting to be kind of pathetic. "We have been doing this the wrong way around, Christian. Both of us."

His wary look tells me he's not happy with my remark, obviously. "Doing what the wrong way around?"

"We are supposed to enjoy this."

"Well, I'm." Irritation, I can sense it.

It's my turn to sigh. I know he wouldn't lie to me, which means he's lying to himself or maybe it's just that he lacks a frame of reference. "No, we are not, but I want to believe we can fix it. This travel has a purpose, let's talk on the plane."

"What if I don't want to talk these days," he starts kissing my throat, "and I have better plans for us?"

Sex to distract, that's so Christian. "What about the flight?"

He doesn't stop. _Ha, I knew it, he always saves some time for unforeseen hornyness._ I'm sure we have at least an extra hour. Well, I can't complain, this's the reason I opened my eyes in the first place.

It's like yesterday morning, no preambles. My body welcomes him but my mind notices that, also like yesterday, he starts irradiating tension and something else I can't locate, the anxiety? Did he bottle it last night? I know I won't enjoy, I'm afraid of the aftermath, the unsettling feeling inside my chest. What should I do? Stop him? That's not a good solution, I want this to happen, I want this to be pleasant, and I want him more relaxed on that plane.

"Christian, I need to watch you, please." His mouth is open slightly and his breathing is harsh, his eyes, his extraterrestrial eyes, distract me from my purpose for a couple of seconds. There is a small particle of blue sadness floating inside that gray Universe. Suddenly, the silly song comes to me and I just let it go.

"I have a blue house with a blue window

Blue is the color of all that I wear

Blue are the streets and all the trees are too

I have a boyfriend and he is so blue."

His eyes widen in surprise. I know what he's thinking, _unexpected_. Actually, the word should be _ridiculous_ but as Thomas Paine once said 'the sublime and the ridiculous are often so nearly related'. _If that makes you feel better_ … Sshh cricket, I'm singing and I'm already as red as Marte. _Ah, that's what you are doing, I was wondering_ …

" _Blue are the words I say and what I think_

 _Blue are the feelings that live inside me_

 _I'm Blue da ba dee da ba dae."_

He beams at me looking his age and I feel better, with that silly old song I've changed everything. _Yes, Christian, I'd make a fool out of me whenever we need it_.

"Anastasia, what was that? Are you trying to kill my mood so we don't lose the flight?"

 _Jeez, 'kill my mood', do I sing that bad?_ I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. "No, I saw something inside your eyes, it made me think of the song."

"Blue?"

"Mhm, fifty shades of blue." My words mirror his and he frowns slightly.

"Good blue or bad blue?"

"Blue is always good as long as it's not bottled."

He kisses the tip of my nose. "You don't like my bottled blue." He understands but not completely.

I shake my head and kiss the tip of his nose in response, caressing his arms. "I want you to get rid of it, just don't forget I'm here too."

Smiling sweetly he studies my face and kisses me passionately, his lips soft and relaxed, no more tension. He speaks between kisses. "You know… I love you… Don't you?"

He's speaking human, we are good to go. "I know, Christian, and I love you too. Don't bottle your love, give me all of it now." I lift my pelvis and he briefly closes his eyes gasping. It's such a thrill provoking that on him, yet I've done it only a few times.

"You want it, you got it, baby."

As we come down from our highs, there is a lesson to learn. Making how I feel evident during sex wasn't too difficult, and Christian didn't get pissed by my stupid interruption. His sexpertise intimidates me in a subtle way that I still don't understand, but that's inside my head, not his. By letting him know so little I got so much, I got passion without anxiety, I got his release without his detachment, I got him without _her_.

…

The luxurious plane takes off and my hands start sweating. I remember why I don't like planes, it's not a phobia but it's disagreeable. The awful electricity takes off too, from my wrists through my back to my head and I close my eyes. It didn't disturb me in the helicopter, must be the bubble effect.

Christian notices and grabs my hand squeezing it, his thumb stroking my knuckles, trying to calm me down without success. I feel his breath next to my ear. "You're so beautiful when you come for me, Anastasia, along with that wet heat of yours, it's irresistible."

That plays the trick. Fear? Plane? I don't even know where I'm anymore, all I can feel is this enormous embarrassment and the blood on my face and neck.

"Christian!"

"Yes, that's what you scream, my name from your lips in that sweet messy moment is my undoing."

I turn to look at him while my mouth drops open, seductive and naughty Christian is here with me doing his magic. He smiles his charming bad boy smile and closes my mouth with his index finger. "You know it, don't you?"

I shake my head.

"It's pretty evident."

Suddenly, I'm in the confessional, that's not his purpose but it feels like a good moment. "Dr. Greene says I'm being insecure, she told me I'm letting my trauma leads my thoughts and actions while we... Most of the time it's bittersweet because I have so many doubts, I don't know if I satisfy you."

He closes his eyes as pain and regret sweep across his face. "I see," he says squeezing my hand.

"It's not your fault, Christian, it's not your fault if I believe I'm not enough for you, I've never been enough for anybody."

"Anastasia." Now he's mad at me. "That man doesn't count, he's a psycho, and the other one, the asshole, sees no further than his nose. You are more than enough. What do I have to do to make you see it?"

The light through the small windows makes me realize we are already in the sky. Christian always finds the way to erase my panic, making me go beyond my own limitations. "Don't be mad at me, you said we'd be able to solve the problems our way, right?" He kisses me briefly nodding, but his eyes avoid mines. "Maybe I'm enough for you, but it seems to be I'm not enough for myself, not yet."

That calls his attention and now he's looking at me. "Why not?"

"Even though I recovered my body, my mind is still trapped, making me insecure and passive. Because I don't like it, I believe you don't like it either. Dr. Greene says I need to know who I'm, I need to know what I like, what you like, being at the same level than you." I find myself fidgeting with my hands, I don't know how to explain this.

He grabs my hands. "Stop. That makes me nervous." Then looks intently at me, trying to decipher my facial expression. "I've been dominating you without knowing I was doing it."

 _What?_ "No, Christian, you are amazing."

He smirks. "Of course I am, I haven't failed once." He looks pleased with himself and I feel my face burning, I know he always waits for me, he's a thoughtful lover. I stare at my hands, fidgeting again. With his index finger, he raises my head so I look at him. "But I'm the one deciding. What that doctor says is you should go on top of me because you want it, not because I told you to do so." He's even better than her explaining, I should take notes. "And that you could return some favors."

No, I don't get this one. "Return some favors?"

He nods slowly and winks, Marte is again on my shoulders and I close my eyes, I can't say this looking at him. "But I don't know how. I was evaluating that sexual surrogate therapy."

"WHAT?"

I open my eyes in surprise, his neck is red, he's Hulkisized in a nanosecond. Fortunately we are alone, the curtains are closed and the flight attendant must be preparing some snacks or talking to Taylor. "Christian!" I scold him and he runs his hand through his hair.

"Anastasia, what the hell?"

I roll my eyes. "You're being ridiculous. He's a professional."

"NO!"

"Why?"

"No man will teach you how to give me a blowjob."

"Christian!" Shit, I shouldn't start conversations that I can't handle.

"NO! That's my last word."

Now I'm mad. "Really? Last word?" I unfasten my seat belt and stand up, offended. "Exactly which century do you think this is? Not even my husband will talk to me like that, I'm an adult, I have my last word."

He grabs me by my hips and makes me sit on his lap, then kisses me passionately and I melt, he's still wearing his sexy scent, I get lost on it. We could have turbulence right now and I wouldn't notice.

"Your husband?" His expression has softened a little, he is holding me tightly. "That fucker again. I feel like murdering him right now."

I giggle but it's not funny, it sounds a little Hitchcock, my proto-husbands disappearing mysteriously before the weddings, Christian collecting them inside one of his huge closets. "Before or after my wedding night?"

"Wedding night? There won't be such a thing, I'll drug him every night and it'll be me in that bed instead of him. You won't know because I'll turn the lights off." _Yeah, right, not noticing Christian Grey…_ The child inside him is now a creepy teenager.

The image of Taylor carrying an unconscious man back to my bed after his boss leaves is kind of funny. Poor Taylor, he deserves a raise. "What about morning sex?"

"That drug will kill his sexual appetite." His mouth is set in a grim line. I can't tell if he's being serious or not.

"How boring." I feign displeasure.

"Exactly, and I will suck at sex on purpose. You will want the divorce after two weeks, you'll come back to me because you miss me so much." I smile, but a pang of sadness inside my chest reminds me of my doubts.

I pass my hand through his unruly hair as he usually does and he closes his eyes relaxing, I notice it on his shoulders. This is a direct line to his inner _zen_. "Would you leave me because I suck at sex?"

"Oh, baby, you don't." He hugs me tightly burying his head in my neck. Five seconds after that, he grabs me by my shoulders examining my face, serious again. Switching and switching, how exhausting. "That's the reason you are reading those books!"

"What? No." Red again. "Well, maybe, but I'm curious too. I wanted to know about what you do."

"You wouldn't like it, you didn't like what I did an hour ago for heaven's sake. I know what you've read but in my case it's just rough sex without connection, I've never gone beyond the physical. With you there is a connection, I crave the connection, it makes everything different." _But he's so sweet, how come?_

He hugs me, switching again. "Don't leave me for your husband, he's a looser and a boring guy, he doesn't deserve you. I don't deserve you either but I'll make your life interesting."

I giggle, my poor husband won't have a chance against an Asgardian vampire with psychotic episodes and huge closets full of skeletons. I should be scared but I know he's inoffensive. _I wouldn't be so sure_. Come on cricket, he's so sweet. _Your husband has a different opinion_. We don't need a husband cricket, we need love and this man loves me. _So far._ I can't avoid a sigh, that's right, so far.

Abruptly, he grabs me by my shoulders again, his eyes shining. "Marry me."

I go back to my seat. This's not funny anymore. "Stop laughing at my dreams."

He frowns, we are switching again. "I'm not, I'm serious. Marry me."

He's not serious, he's crazy. "No."

"Why not." And there is the mask, that disgusting mask.

"Because you don't want to get married, because I don't need to get married. Because I'd never marry a man that can't show me his true feelings."

My statement surprises him. "I've always been honest with you, you know about my feelings, you know I love you."

"I don't know how you are feeling right now. You're hiding your emotions behind that awful mask, your face just gets rigid giving nothing away whenever you are insecure or scared. You're afraid I'd leave you pursuing some fantasy about getting married. Your only purpose is to control that by blocking the possibility."

Grabbing my face with both his hands, he makes me look at him. "No, I'm doing this because I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you." That melts my heart, but even though I was impulsive enough to go to live with him, I won't make this mistake.

I caress his cheek tenderly, enjoying the feel of the stubble beneath my fingers, I love him so much. "We are not ready, we don't communicate that well, we don't trust each other that much." The mask is gone, he looks sad, even wounded, he's not understanding. "Look Christian, unlike you I have thought about marriage a lot, that's an institution I respect too much maybe because I once lived with two persons who didn't. I prefer to live in sin until my last day on this planet than lie to myself like that."

"Marrying me is like lying to yourself?" I can see his disappointment.

"Do you remember how this conversation started? I'm convinced I'm not enough for you, and you just said you don't deserve me. Yes, getting married under these circumstances is like lying to myself."

The flight attendant enters and offers us a breakfast, of course there is my tea, bag out, and I know Christian ordered that for me. She disappears and I grab his hand, I don't want him sulking. "Christian, you are misunderstanding me."

He looks at me, his eyes scorching gray, intense. "I know I love you, I know you are the only woman I'll ever love, with all I am, with all I have. And now I know that's not enough for you."

My mouth drops open, that's such a beautiful declaration. "Christian, it's not like that. I'm not saying your love is not good for me, I'm saying we also need communication and trust. You thought I was leaving you last night, you don't trust in my love for you. And I can't even say how I feel while we are..."

"Fucking."

"Christian!"

"Fucking, repeat after me, while we are fucking." There is amusement in his eyes, we are better now, but the embarrassment is too much.

"While we are having sex."

"That's better than nothing. Now, eat, you'll need your strength too." He's not sulking anymore, bossy Christian is here and has a plan.

"What for?"

"Fucking."

"Christian!"

He chuckles grabbing his cup of coffee. "Eat, Anastasia."

When we finish, the flight attendant, a beautiful blond girl, Natalia, removes our trays and I can see her blush. She likes him, of course. It's annoying, always the same.

"I need to go to the bathroom."

My reflection in the mirror is satisfying. I like my new black jeans but I'm worried about the sort of people we'll meet there in Aspen. I'm an average girl, wearing average clothes, with an average sense of style. _Average? Always the optimistic_. I hope they don't judge me like my inner cricket, I know I'm out of my league here and I don't want to start worrying about dresses and high heels and makeup. If other women want to do it, that's okay, but if I don't, that should be okay too. I remember José's aunt ' _you need to start dressing like a woman, you're not a child anymore_ '. Another awful woman, always getting her nose into other people's business.

I miss my lady knight, she transmits so much self-confidence, she is a walking message: be the woman you want to be, not the woman they want you to be.

 _And marriage!_ He's insane, he doesn't know what that means. I snort in disbelieve, he doesn't know me that well. Christian is always in a hurry, maybe because he lost his mother when he was so little. I make a joke about a husband and five minutes later he says 'marry me', in the most unromantic way.

Out of the bathroom, I notice Natalia is flirting with Christian. Her blouse is too open revealing a good portion of her not insubstantial bosom. I can see Christian is annoyed by her attitude but when she touches his arm, he freezes. _You slut, stay away from my man! Keep your fucking claws away from him!_

Walking fast toward her all I see is red and her face in need of my slap. With a subtle movement of my hips I push her away from Christian, then I speak through clenched teeth, my jaw tense. "I'm sorry, must be the turbulence." Christian lowers his head biting his lip, hiding a smile. I shout at him inside my head. _IT'S NOT FUNNY, CHRISTIAN!_

I glare at Natalia. "Be careful, your blouse opened when you lost the equilibrium."

She places one hand on her chest, embarrassed, and retreats. _Yes, you better leave horny hen, this rooster is mine and I don't like sharing._

Christian looks at me smiling.

"What?" My jaw is still tense, this has affected me a little too much.

"I've missed the tigress, this remembers me the first time I saw you in that park, ready to jump and tear that fucker apart. I was so impressed. It was hard for me to get away from you that morning."

I shake my head. "You never called."

Grabbing my hand he smiles slightly. "You said you had a boyfriend and I didn't like the attraction I felt for you. So beautiful, so fierce, so sweet. I think I fell in love with you that day."

I sit on his lap, hugging him tightly. "Oh, Christian." Our kiss is so passionate, with such tender savagery that I lose all sense of place and time. His hand is all of a sudden under my shirt, but Natalia's voice through the speaker interrupts us.

"Please put your seatbelts on, we are about to land. Thank you."

He bites my lower lip almost painfully and I mirror him, biting his upper lip until we are both moaning.

"Shit, Anastasia, I almost fuck you right here."

We are both panting. "Me too."

"You too, what?" I can feel his smile against me. _Bastard_. He has a new purpose in life, to make me say it. I already have but without the sexual connotation.

It's just a whisper but I manage to do it. "Fuck you." His teeth graze my earlobe and he tugs, I mewl.

"Oh, baby, you're so ready, hold it until we get home. Now, go to your seat."

We start landing and I close my eyes, the awful electricity is here again.

"Tell me about your meeting at SIP."

I start unfolding in my mind the meeting with Roach. "Mr. Roach is an arrogant cynic but I liked his sharp-tongued remarks. Although cynical people are not my favorite people in the world, I can work with them, you always know what they are thinking, they are just disappointed idealists. He made me notice some mistakes about my work." Everything goes out without even breathing, and I feel my body relaxing word after word. Christian works his magic again.

He smirks. "Do you think I'm a cynic?"

"Sometimes you are, yes." Stroking his stubble I get lost in his new appearance. _So handsome_. "I can handle cynicism, what I can't handle is hypocrisy."

…

Taylor is driving us through the center of Aspen, it's like I imagined, an old town highly modernized. I immediately love the history that emanates from its architecture, and they also have preserved the old infrastructure in such a beautiful way.

I feel sorry for the Ute people that had lived here for almost one thousand years, though. In every website I checked from Aspen organizations or institutions, they just mention a massacre against the army. Nobody mentions how the Ute communities were attacked and expulsed from their ancestral lands, facing coerced relocation, so the miners could establish their settlements. I wonder if the local school teaches that part of the history, or about how dishonest the signed treaties were toward them.

Shaking my head I do what everybody else does, put that shameful thought aside and enjoy the adventure of being here today. After all, that happened 140 years ago and the Ute people have never stopped fighting, they've gotten some land and rights back recently. One advice from a famous Mohawk, invades my mind.

' _When you are in doubt, be still and wait;_

 _when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage._

 _So long as mists envelop you, be still;_

 _be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists_

 _\- as it surely will._

 _Then act with courage_.'

Christian's marriage proposal was strange and confusing, so to be still and wait is the best for both of us.

His place is amazing, in harmony with the local architecture, not a modern palace at all. I love it. He opens the car door, always the gentlemen, and suddenly leans in and lifts me.

"What are you doing?" I squeak.

"Carrying you over the threshold. You said this is a honeymoon, and I want you to imagine how it'll be after we get married."

"What?"

His mouth is next to my ear and he whispers making me shudder. "I don't care if it's tomorrow or in ten years, I want to be that husband you keep mentioning. I'm a man with a mission."

 _Oh!_

Taylor opens the door for us smiling and I can't believe it, I almost break my neck watching him while Christian is walking. I whisper in Christian's ear. "Taylor is smiling, Christian. Take a picture, quickly." He chuckles amused but then stiffens abruptly.

What is it? _Oh no_. Mia and another girl are here too. Mia stands up and runs toward us while Christian puts me down carefully. She hugs both of us. "How wonderful to coincide here!" She looks so happy that I feel guilty for not being equally happy to see her. _Goodbye honeymoon_. And I know Taylor is in trouble.

"Mia, I need a word with you. Get comfortable, Anastasia, please." They disappear through a door, Mia's face not happy anymore. _Shit, he is mad at her_.

I walk toward the couches, greeting Mia's friend and sitting in front of her.

"Is Christian your Master?"

"Excuse me?"

The expression on her face disgusts me. "Yes, you know, we all read that article about him. Everybody knows now, everybody knows what you like to do."

Two seconds and I already hate her, awful girl. "That's Christian's private life." I glare at her but she feigns indifference.

"So, is he your master or not?" I can't believe she's asking this, how rude.

"What we do inside the bedroom is none of your business." She smirks, self-satisfied, and I boil inside. Awful girl, she won't ruin my mood. "I'm Anastasia, by the way."

"Lily." Then, she proceeds to study me from head to toe. "Are you dressing like that while being here? You look more like the help, you should dress better if you are planning to go out with him."

 _That's it_. I stand up and turn my back on her. I can't understand how a sweet and happy girl like Mia has such an awful and bitter friend.

In that moment Christian enters with his sister. She hugs me tightly and turns around to talk to her friend. "Lily, do not unpack. We are going to a hotel."

She frowns. "What? Why?"

Mia frowns too, her mouth set in a grim line. "This's my brother's place and he needs it. Let's go."

After they leave, he grabs me by my hand taking me to a beautiful kitchen. Another big kitchen that I instantly love. There is a woman, a smiling woman that looks at me friendly. _Thank you, Ma'am, I needed that_.

"Carmella, this is my girlfriend, Anastasia." His tongue caresses my name, making my heart stutter. It takes me by surprise. _Right, I'm his girlfriend since yesterday_. "Take the rest of the day off. I'll see you and your husband tomorrow morning."

"Very well Mr. Grey. Nice to meet you, Anastasia." She extends her hand and I take it gratefully, meeting a nice person is sometimes a human necessity. She leaves, letting us alone.

"Where were we? Right." Christian lifts me again and I can't avoid a giggle. He managed to get rid of everybody so we have privacy. _Welcome back honeymoon!_

His bedroom is like the one at Escala, same soft colors, a similar distribution of the furniture. I feel at home here with this man.

He takes something out of his pocket, placing it on the bed, and then takes his clothes off.

 _Double wow._ He should warn me before the strip show. _  
_

"What are you waiting for, Anastasia, a formal invitation?" He smirks playfully. _Bastard, he's laughing at me._ I roll my eyes and follow suit.

The duvet goes to the floor and he points to the center of the bed. "Kneel there, I want to try something."

Kneel? Is he planning some BDSM scene? All of a sudden, I'm nervous.

"It's not what you think. Do it now." _Bossy man_.

I blink processing his words and rather clumsily kneel as directed.

"Sit back on your heels."

I sit back and in another blink he's kneeling in front of me, same position. "I took these from the plane." He shows me two eye masks. "I'm going to blindfold you first, then myself. We won't be able to see each other while… say it, Anastasia."

Oh dear, not again. I close my eyes whispering. "Fucking?"

He chuckles amused. "What? Watch your language, Anastasia." He's teasing me, _bastard_. "While making love." I open my eyes in surprise, I've never heard him using that expression before. He's smiling shyly at me. "When you deprive yourself of one sense, the others are enhanced."

"Have you done this before?"

"No, Anastasia. You can touch me." It's a simple explanation that speaks volumes. Of course, the handcuffs.

And I am consumed with anticipation. I just know my face is completely immobile, my eyes huge as I gaze at him. Slowly, he slides the mask on and I'm blind.

"Come here, Anastasia, let's continue what the landing interrupted." I get closer, feeling the heat of his body warming my front. He grasps my head between his hands clumsily and kisses me hard, his teeth pulling at my lower lip. _Yes, we were here_. Biting his upper lip I pull at it too. His breath hitch and the soft moans he makes deep in his throat are such a turn on. His skin feels softer, warmer; our moans louder. It's a heady fusion of senses: touch, taste, smell. The sweet darkness that is surrounding us transmits a liberating feeling. Maybe because he can't see me I feel like he won't judge me.

"That's right, Anastasia, you are in charge now. Whatever you do, I'll enjoy it enormously; don't worry about anything sweet girl. Talk to me, what do you want?"

I get closer to his ear and my teeth graze his earlobe. "I want to ride you until you explode inside me."

"Fuck, Anastasia, I want that too."

...

...

...

...

"Blue" (Europop). Eiffel 65, Italy 1999.

Basil F. Heath, (Chief White Eagle). 1917–2011. Assumed ethnic identity: Mohawk. Canada-USA.


	29. The truth

Chap. 29 The truth.

APOV.

Naked and facing each other I realize I don't feel embarrassment, my body exposed to be gazed upon by Christian is not problematic anymore. Actually, I'm starting to enjoy the way he rests his eyes at some parts of my anatomy.

"Why don't you want to marry me?"

 _Mm, obsessive man_. Because I have this weird, sated feeling, I decide not to worry too much, eventually he'll understand.

"You know how to ruin a moment." My smile offers reassurance and I remember my mother's words. "In some way we already are, Christian, we live together."

My fingers caress his head where it's connected to his _zen_ spot, he closes his eyes and sighs. It's amazing, is like a turn-off button, the solution to his 'control-freak' episodes, his kryptonite. Let's use his language. "You own me, Christian, body and soul. I'm yours, totally devoted to you, no paperwork is needed."

My words have the expected effect on him, he opens his eyes smiling.

"Let's not mention this again, please, at least for a year. Until then my answer won't change."

"August 31st. I'll remember." _Jeez, really obsessive_. It will be a good exercise for him to wait a whole year. There is a long way ahead to reach the goal Dr. Greene established, communication and self-confidence, but I'm optimistic. The truth is I'm not ready, he's not ready, we are not ready.

He turns around. "Hug me, I need to take a nap."

"But Christian, there is a mountain waiting for us, your words." My left arm hugs him by his waist. I kiss his back, it's different now that I can see and his scent is really strong after last night stress and all the sex. I could stay here until Thursday just sniffing him, getting high. _Mmm_.

"Just give me fifteen minutes, I'm tired and you seem to be enjoying."

I decide to tease him and I snort. "Tired? I did all the hard work." His back moves with his chuckle and he turns around facing me, kissing the tip of my nose. He looks tired, my beautiful tigerfly needs more than fifteen minutes. This's a honeymoon and a vacation after all, we can come back any other week to explore Aspen, this time is to relax and connect away from his office.

"You were amazing, Anastasia." _So sweet._ I run my fingers through his hair, the way I know he needs right now and he immediately relaxes and closes his eyes.

"You too, Christian."

Smiling, he hugs me. "See how good we are together? Wake me in fifteen, baby, please."

…

…

CPOV.

 _Is everything the same to me as it was before?_

I push the doubt aside. There are multi-colored splashes on my white walls and I'm trying to find out a pattern, I need the distraction. Not two are alike in any respect, they all have different colors, shapes, sizes.

 _Is everything the same beneath them, despite them?_

Looking up I see her, she's smiling. ' _Christian_.' My name from her lips an invitation, a key to open something locked inside me. Part of me worries we're opening Pandora's box.

She frees this tragic, overwhelming feeling that I can't control, a feeling that possesses me with the same force than the darkness, clouding my mind. Along with it, vulnerability, fear, insecurity. ' _Christian_ '. Once again my name from her lips tames my demons, giving me enough strength to tame hers. My sweet girl, harassed too by infamous demons.

Suddenly I miss something, I'm losing something and my body gets colder. She's vanishing away, slowly, a sad look on her face. _'Wait for me, Anastasia.'_ I look around, she's not here anymore but something is different, what is it? The walls, yes, the walls are now colored and there are white splashes on them. I have my answer, _nothing is the same_.

I wake abruptly, confused. _A dream or a nightmare?_ I wonder what Flynn would make of it.

 _Where is she?_ I turn around looking for her, I'm alone in the bed but I can hear her voice coming out from the bathroom, she must be on the phone.

As usual, she doesn't notice my proximity. She's sat on the floor wearing one of the bathrobes, legs crossed, her right arm moving frantically on the air.

"I know what you're talking about… of course I know about it, what is more, I wrote the answer to that…"

I freeze. _The answer to what?_

"Dad, you can't decide for me, I'm a grown woman… No, you are wrong, he's not hurting me in any way…"

 _Shit, the father, and he knows_.

"I'm not going to Montesano, I'm not even in Seattle… What? Well, if you do that you won't have grandchildren…"

 _God, he's really mad at me_. I feel some parts of my body shrinking.

"You can't ask me that, that's private… Stop asking, that's my private life… Okay, yes, we do all that and a lot more…"

 _Oh no, Anastasia, what are you doing?_ I want to interrupt the conversation but her expletive stops me.

"I love you Dad, but don't push me or I'll marry him today… yes, we are in Las Vegas so don't push me to do something I'd regret later… Look, I know you are angry right now, but I'm a grown woman, you need to trust in me…"

 _She'd regret marrying me. This's painful._

"He's my happily ever after, he's everything and he'll always be. I love him, Dad, and he loves me. That's all you need to know as a father, the rest is my private life and I won't discuss it with you, or Mom…"

I feel a pang of remorse for doubting.

"Well, I disagree… Just, don't worry, I'm fine, there is nothing to worry about… We could go this weekend, I'm not sure yet…"

 _Fuck, do I want to go there? I guess I have to… eventually._

"I'll try but if you offend him or hurt him in any way, you'll lose me forever… I hope so, bye, Daddy."

She throws the phone away from her and clutches her head in both hands.

Whatever the father said, she took my side, our side; that infuses a little more light into my dark soul. Right now she needs me… or maybe I need her. I sit in front of her like yesterday, and like yesterday she's lost inside her thoughts, the outside world completely annulled.

"Anastasia." Nothing.

"Anastasia." I pull her closer to me, inside my embrace. She blinks, her eyes large and lost for a moment until she realizes I'm really here with her. Her head resting on my chest brings that peace that only she can make me feel. "Everything will be fine, Anastasia."

Her body is warm, her scent as captivating as usual, I caress her back and she caresses the arm that is holding her.

"I know, Christian."

I remember Grace's voice bringing some peace too when I was little, or my grandfather's voice when he was reading tales to me after my nightmares, but it wasn't the same because I never let them touch me. With Anastasia it's different, more intense, deeper, right in the center of the darkness dissipating it.

"How much did you hear?"

"Enough."

She looks at me, her eyes as disarming as ever. And then, out of the blue, she starts reciting.

" _And lying underneath those stormy skies,_

 _she'd say, -I know the sun must set to rise_."

Anastasia's signature. Her jokes, poems and songs making me smile.

Frowning she examines my face. "Does it annoy you?"

"What?"

"Me, doing that."

And I know all of a sudden that the asshole told her something about she being annoying. _Fucking idiot_. "Of course not. Never stop doing it, please, Anastasia." I hug her tightly kissing her aromatic head. How can anybody put limits to her always-pregnant mind?

"I used to believe that song was made for me."

I know the lyrics of the song, about the dreams of a girl being crushed by the heavy wheels of life, and how she flies away inside her mind imagining some paradise. I hug her tightly, _my sweet Anastasia and planet Ana_.

"Don't worry, that's not my song anymore." She smiles at me. "Now I have a dream maker in my life, he turned out to be a sexy vampire." She feigns a strange low voice. " _Anastasia, bring some light to my daaaark world_." Raising her eyebrows repeatedly she adds humor to her words and I have to laugh, it's so unexpected.

"Let's take a shower and get out of here, I need to feed you before sucking out your blood, something rich in iron, you look anemic. Yuck." I grimace, feigning disgust, and she laughs happy. I feel ten feet tall, _nothing is the same_.

…

Sat at the top of Smuggler Mountain we watch the great scenery, an amazing view of Aspen and the Roaring Fork Valley.

"Christian, I want a picture." I smile and she takes a couple of pictures with her cellphone. I like them, she's smiling too and even though her hair is pulled back in a ponytail, it is flying around us thanks to the wind. I know where I want it, on my desk at home.

"Send this one to me. Where are your pictures, the ones from the gallery?"

"In my old bedroom, inside the closet. Why?"

"I want one." That picture for my office, hanging in front of my desk. Her reddening cheeks tell me she feels embarrassment, why? Those pictures are beautiful, all black and white except for her blue eyes.

"What for?"

"My office."

"No." We frown at each other.

"Why not, Anastasia?"

"I don't want those business men watching me."

"Then for my study, it'll be just me ogling you."

She smiles. "But you have the original at home."

"The original is not always around."

She frowns again and I can see it coming. Unexpectedness in three, two, one…

"Are you buying SIP?"

 _Shit, how does she know?_ "Why do you ask?"

"Are you, Christian?"

 _She already knows the answer_. Suddenly she narrows her eyes. "The mask, Christian."

"The mask?"

"You know, your face. I want the mask gone, you don't need it with me." Disarming as always, exasperating as usual.

"There is nothing wrong with my face."

She snorts. "Conceited, gorgeous man… I told you on the plane, you mask your feelings."

I soften the muscles of my face, she can be funny while scolding me. "Yes, I'm buying SIP."

"Why?" We glower at each other. I open my mouth then close it again, and she scowls at me. "Why, Christian?"

Okay, let's settle for honesty. "I want to give it to you."

She shakes her head with disapproval and I know this's going to be another battle of wills. She feigns a male voice. "Happy birthday Anastasia, unwrap it, it's a publishing company. You have no idea what to do with it, you don't want me to give it to you, but who cares, I can do it so I will do it."

"Anastasia." I warn her, she is crossing a line, being disrespectful.

After a second she does something strange, she starts running her fingers through my hair. I close my eyes and relax, she did it before, it's so calming. When I do it the effect is different.

"So, SIP is yours now."

"Not yet."

"Then don't buy it."

"I need a publishing company and I got a good price because it's small."

"You need one? But you just said you want it for me."

I open my eyes. "I need one to give it to you."

She rolls her eyes. "Then wait until I want one. It'll be at the top of my Christmas card list, I promise."

 _Sweet Lord, that smart mouth._ So exasperating. _Honesty Grey_. "I want you to work in one of my companies after you finish the internship."

Her mouth drops open and she starts laughing. I don't understand a fucking thing. "Christian, you want to control my work environment!" _Exactly_. "That's so wrong." _Shit, is it?_ "And so creepily romantic." _What?_

Unexpectedly, she hugs me, I never know with this woman. "My creepy guardian Angel." Then she kisses me sweetly, such a disarming move from her.

I don't get it. Is she accepting this?

"Are we okay about this?"

She sighs and takes a few seconds to think her answer, caressing my face. Exasperating and sweet Anastasia.

"Look, I don't like being an intern at your company and living with you at the same time, but life took us there, that's why I didn't fight it. You buying SIP, so I work under your protective wings, is totally different, it changes everything."

I still don't understand where she is going with this line of reasoning.

"Nevertheless, for some strange reason, I understand why you are doing this. You don't want to jeopardize my formative process, you just need to know nothing bad will happen to me. Am I right?"

She knows me well, I nod in silence.

"Let's think how to find some equilibrium, our way. I know life was unfair to you when you were little, Christian, and you carry deep scars because of that. If I love you I should be understanding." _Oh, Anastasia_. I close my eyes feeling the pain in those scars. "But I carry scars too, and you need to make the same effort for me. If you love me you will let me make my own path with my own steps. Remember my favorite poem? ' _the path is made as one walks'._ My walk, not yours."

"Anastasia, maybe…"

She silences me with a kiss. "Not here, Christian, we're honeymooning. Your office, next week, a business meeting. Don't buy SIP before our meeting."

I stand up confused, at least we are discussing it, that's better than buying every publishing company in the country.

…

…

APOV

I stand up thinking about the solution, the truth is I don't have one in mind. Walking in silence, holding hands, we are both distracted by this challenge. We will find a way.

Suddenly, I trip over a stone that protrudes and fall down hard. I cry in pain, in one nanosecond Christian is trying to help me up, scared and anguished. A young couple tries to help me too but Christian dismisses them in a rude way.

"Christian, be nice!" He ignores me, and I see Taylor coming out of nowhere. Was he following us? I try to visualize him hiding behind the trees. _Jeez, I'd pay to read his job contract, what a story I could write just with that_.

So, the privacy I experienced during the hiking was false. Is Prescott hiding too? I chuckle imagining her trying to hide her impressive anatomy, and Christian glances nervously at me. He's wondering if I hit my head, I'm sure.

I take a step forward and stumble as my ankle almost gives way. "It hurts... I don't think I can walk."

"Taylor, have the car ready. I'll carry her to the beginning of the trail."

Taylor hesitates. "Let me help you, sir." One look, that's all Taylor needs to understand he's not touching me. God, this man and his issues. _What about your issues, you ruined the honeymoon_. My inner judge shows no mercy. It was an accident for heaven's sake. _Clumsiness_. Accident. _Lack of coordination_. One day you will be brave enough to materialize in front of me, and I will kick your ass with my lack of coordination. _Bully_.

"Climb on my back, Anastasia." I obey, putting my arms around his neck from behind and wrapping my legs around his waist. He's stressed, I should take advantage and get high. I sniff his neck, his alpha-male scent is here. I need to stress him out at least once a week, maybe faking accidents. _You don't need to fake_. Shut up.

He chuckles. "I thought you were in pain, Anastasia."

"Oh, I'm, Christian. You're the best medicine. Mm, you smell divine."

"Creepy."

I have to laugh, at least we are in a good mood again.

…

The doctor examines my ankle and I don't like his look. "Your ankle is sprained, but not broken." I sigh in relief but Christian is so serious, hanging on every word he says. He squeezes my hand.

"If it hurts too much, tell me. I can give you a shot for the pain." I look at the doctor as if he is insane. _A shot? Don't you dare, little man_.

The doctor insists. "What do you say?"

Christian narrows his eyes. "Anastasia?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine." Actually, it hurts a lot but, a shot? No way. _Coward_. Whatever.

"You need to rest your leg, let it heal for a couple of days. Come back on Thursday, I'll prescript you an anti-inflammatory and a pain killer. Do you have any allergies?"

"No, she hasn't." What? How does he know? _Oh no, he read my medical records_. I scowl at him and he smiles shyly. His craziness knows no limit, another conversation we need to have. _Jeez, I should start making a list or I'll forget_.

In our way back to the house Christian is holding me tightly on his lap, stroking my hair in silence while my leg is resting on the seat. "What is it, Christian?"

"I was holding your hand, I could have prevented it." My poor crazy sweet man, he feels guilty.

"It's not your fault. That happens to me a lot."

He sighs. "I know, I should have been more careful." Shit, I made it worse.

"Well, if this is your fault then you need to compensate me. I think I saw a piano, you will sing for me, a romantic one." He smiles and I relax.

"What if we invite Mia over, for dinner? She's you sister, Christian. Please." And he's serious again. "Are you mad at her?"

"My family knows they can come here whenever they want, I barely use this place, but they have to let Taylor know. She didn't, and she brought that stupid girl with her."

I snort. "Yes, she is."

"Did she offend you?" He's angry all of a sudden, he knows her well.

"Yes. She made a comment about me dressing poorly." His look is ambiguous and he tries to hide it. _Oh, no!_ "You have the same opinion!" I try to get down his lap but the pain radiates through my leg.

"Anastasia, don't move!"

"Let me go."

"Anastasia." He's angry. I'm too. I'm ashamed of myself and I don't like it, I shouldn't. That makes me sad, it's so unfair, nobody should feel this way. He tightens his grip "Don't let her get inside your head, you are better than her." That plays the trick.

"I don't care about her, but you have the same opinion."

"I could fix that." What is that supposed to mean? I feel uncomfortable and move the leg, the pain makes me groan. "Anastasia, let's go back, you need that shot."

"What? No. I'm fine." Not again. _Coward_. Not again.

"Anastasia Steele, don't be childish! You need that shot." His lips quirk up, his eyes shining with incredulity. I have been afraid of needles my whole life, and this feels like my worst nightmare.

"I already am in pain, I don't need more pain, I won't be able to sit the whole evening if I say yes." He shakes his head grinning at me. Why does he find this funny? "Stop grinning at me." I scold him mildly.

"I can't. You're funny."

"I'm serious. My leg, my pain, my buttock." He chuckles and I don't care, at least we are not going back to that clinic.

…

After giving me a delicious bath, Christian is dressing me carefully. "I can do this, it's just my ankle." He waves his hand dismissing what I just said. "I'm not a porcelain doll, Christian."

He smiles. "I like it, that's better than the wax figure, I want a porcelain doll with your face."

"Creepy, like Chucky's girlfriend. Don't you dare to do that or I won't sleep in peace never again. That thing will haunt me in my dreams."

Chuckling he finishes his work. "You're ready. Mia will be here any minute."

"The friend?"

He frowns. "Of course not, she offended you, she's not welcome here."

"I think she likes you and she's just jealous." I mutter dryly.

He shudders. "Well, the feeling is not mutual."

Mia looks lovely as usual. The conversation at the table flows, she can't stop talking about her experience in Paris last year, she's excited because is going back to the city of romance in two weeks. Always so lively, so passionate, I like her and deep inside me, I envy her. A contended sigh inside my head: _Paris, ahhh_. Christian observes her with a warm expression on his face, he enjoys his sister's passion too. But all of a sudden, the harmony of the evening is broken into a thousand of pieces.

"Aunty Elena will come with me. She told me I need to know 'the other Paris'."

I freeze. My brain stops functioning, I can't even breathe. What with the pedodator and the Trevelyan-Grey family? What is wrong with Grace and her mother's instincts? _Holy shit, Mia is so naïve_. I look at Christian, he's frozen too, he's getting red, then white as paper. He stands up and starts pacing the floor.

"What happens?" Mia asks me frowning.

Of course, Mia doesn't understand. "Christian, come back here or I will go there and I won't care about my ankle." He stops and looks at me. There is anger, guiltiness, fear, so many feelings in just one beautiful face. I can see the fifteen years old boy there too. _Oh, Christian_. I try to send a thought to him with my eyes: _Do the right thing, Christian, do the right thing_.

He comes back and sits next to me. Grabbing my hand he takes a deep breath. "We need to talk about Elena, Mia. She's not who you think she is, she's dangerous."

...

...

...

...

-"Paradise" (Mylo xyloto). Coldplay, UK 2011.


	30. Insignificance that matters

Chap. 30 Insignificance that matters.

APOV.

My hand hurts, he's gripping it so tightly but I don't think he realizes. I've never seen him like this, not even when his parents showed up at Escala the night I arranged the pent-house-nest. _The expression on his face… why is it familiar?_

A tremor runs through my whole body and I close my eyes in pain, I remember where I've seen it, the first night I spent at Kate's after I left Paul. That night I dragged my body to the bathroom, forcing myself to look in the mirror, the strange girl that was staring back at me had the same expression, realizing for the first time the magnitude of the horror she allowed, how isolated she had been from others, and wondering if it was really over.

Christian is going through hell right now, piecing things together. Now is when it's dawning on him what's happened with the pedodator: the lies, the concessions, the losses. _Oh, Christian, don't worry, there is so much time ahead to recover what she took from you._

"Mia, she seduced me when I was fifteen, she made me her sexual submissive when I was fifteen. I'm talking about the content of that article you read some weeks ago, instead of working in her yard that's what we were doing in her basement. And I guess she's kept me away from all of you since then too, always reminding me how disappointed you are in me, how tired you all are of me. I've been so stupid."

Mia covers her mouth in horror with a trembling hand. I hope the special bond they two share allows Mia to understand how important this's, not just for them but for the entire family.

I don't know why that awful woman made such a huge mistake, messing up with the only person that had moved Christian to the point of talking again at the age of six. His mother's death and all the abuse traumatized him, took his words enclosing them deep inside his mind; baby Mia was the miracle that brought that back to life. You shouldn't play with that, inside Christian's mind, Mia is sacred. A predator knows that, they have strong instincts.

Then, why? What is really going on here between Elena Lincoln and this family? Is this about Christian and a way to blackmail him? Or is this something about Grace and Carrick?

"Mia, please, don't let her do to you what she did to me. My dark soul just got darker, my sadness grew deeper, my misery expanded bigger. I don't want that for you."

Suddenly, Mia stands up and runs toward Christian kneeling in front of him, taking both his hands. I stretch my fingers in relief.

"Christian, how could you believe that? I love you so much, you're my dearest brother. What you are telling me right now is so painful, I can't even…" She starts crying and Christian kneels too in front of her, eyes closed, hugging her tightly, stroking her back.

"I know, Mia, I know, please don't cry."

 _Oh my God!_ I feel a tear running down my cheek, it's happening again, Mia's miracle. She's not as naïve as I thought, Mia has understood immediately.

"You have to tell Mom and Dad, Christian, please, they need to know, she is always there. Mom believes she's her best friend because she saved you."

And I'm boiling inside, that awful woman, the actress, she has convinced all of them she saved him from jail and surely suicide, Christian included. This's what lack of communication inside a family allows, I should remember this when I become a mother myself. Christian must have been hard to raise, but still, deep inside he's so sweet.

It was certainly rare he accepted to have a relationship with me after all the poison she injected in him, maybe I should talk with that therapist, the expensive charlatan managed to get through his thick defenses favoring the possibility.

My ankle hurts and I like to go to the bedroom, they need space, they need to be alone. _Maybe you should have accepted that shot_. Oh cricket, Mia's magic works with Christian, not me. I don't want to interrupt but I need to get out of here, my presence could jeopardize this. "Christian, the painkillers are killing me, I need to go to bed, please." They both look at me in surprise, they forgot I was here, and then Christian smiles weakly.

"Wait here, Mia." He kisses her cheek, stands up and lifts me up with his strong arms. His scent is intoxicating but I behave in front of Mia. She smiles too standing up, and we wave our goodbyes.

After he places me on the bed, he sits and stares at me. "You are the best that ever happened to me, Anastasia."

I grab his hand immediately. "No, Christian, THEY are the best that ever happened to you, don't forget that again, I'm just harvesting all the love they sowed inside you. Your experience with that awful woman is part of your story, but don't let it define you. The Trevelyan-Greys are here." I place my hand over his heart. "Let them guide you." He needs to go back there with Mia, so I feign a yawn. "I need to sleep, Christian, give me a kiss and go. Don't turn off the lights, that awful porcelain doll must be hidden in the closet or under the bed."

Smiling, he kisses my forehead and leaves. _Well, Mia, I'm sending him to you with a smile on his lips, I hope I receive the same back_.

It's just eight o'clock, so I look for the manuscript and start reading, being immediately drawn in by the plot of the story, my detachment issue a blessing right now.

…

 _Kiss her, dumbass_.

"Anastasia."

 _She's just flown three thousand miles to see you, for heaven's sake! Kiss her_.

"Anastasia!"

 _Is that Christian's voice?_ I blush, he's here sat next to me and I didn't notice, again, how embarrassing.

"Christian, I'm sorry." Then I remember. "How are you?" I hug him. "How is Mia?"

"You are not sleeping."

Oh no, he's mad. At me? _But Mia, I sent him with a smile!_

"No. I couldn't. I've missed you so much."

That plays the trick. He hugs me back and it's almost painful, once again I feel like a hugging Panda. His body relaxes slowly and his grip eases off letting me grab wisps of oxygen.

Such a strong anxiety tells me what a milestone this is, the enormity of what just happened. Christian's life has changed forever and I'm not sure what my role is in this new scenario. _Just love him and be yourself_. My inner Judge is right, but the anxiety is now inside me and I remember a class of Physics in high school: ' _the energy does not disappear, it just can be transformed to a new form, or passed from one object to another_ '. It seems I'm ' _another'_.

I glance at the clock: 9:15, still early. I know what I need, the only thing that helps me when I'm this agitated and shaken. "Is there a balcony in this place?"

"A balcony? Yes. Why?"

"I need my stars, please, Christian. Take me there." I pray for a clear sky.

He caresses my cheek. "I have something better."

He lifts me and I curl inside his chest closing my eyes, I need his warmness, I'm cold. When I open them we are walking through a strange corridor. _Oh, the long corridor of life, where is it taking us right now?_ Cut the crap cricket, I don't need more drama, I've had enough and that story was frustrating, the fool never kissed her. I need my fool to kiss me.

"Christian, stop."

He stops and looks at me bewildered. "Kiss me, please, now." He beams and I feel better, at least I still have that effect on him. Closing his eyes he gives me a sweet kiss without tongue.

"Christian, that was like Christmas without presents!" He chuckles and kisses me again, passionately this time even though his hands are occupied carrying me. _Oh yes, my man can kiss_. My frustration is gone, I'm not the girl of the story, maybe she should tell him or make the first move. Did I make the first move with this man? I blush and he chuckles again.

"What are you blushing about, Anastasia?"

"Er… nothing."

"Tell me."

I hide my head inside the hollow of his neck. "Did I make the first move, Christian? Kissing you that day?"

"I wanted that to happen, Anastasia, if that's your doubt."

"You were a fool and backed off."

He sighs and kisses my head. "Yes, and yet here we are. Let's go." He continues walking through the long corridor and opens a strange door.

"CHRISTIAN, OH MY GOD."

He laughs but I don't care, it's so beautiful, I need down. "Let me walk, let me walk."

"No, Anastasia, not efforts with that leg, the doctor was clear." He sits me on a sofa. "Stay here until I come back."

I nod but as soon as he leaves I stand up. It's like a magical bubble made of glass, a glass room in the sky. People with money can have their eccentric dreams come true, yes, this's none less than a dream come true. I'm going to enjoy this every single night we spend here in Aspen. God, I've never seen anything like this before, right now I'm a colored fish swimming inside a bowl. And the stars, I can even see the Milky Way, must be the altitude.

"ANASTASIA." _Oh no, I got caught_. He takes me back to the sofa. "Don't do that again."

He picks up some cushions and blankets from the floor, placing them next to one of the glass walls, organizing a nest like the one we had at Escala. _Oh, Christian, my sweet Asgardian vampire_. I stand up and hug him from behind. "ANASTASIA."

"I love you so much."

He turns around. "Yes, but I love you more."

Oh dear, a love contest, this's unreal. "No, Christian I love you more, to the Moon and back."

"But I love you to the Sun and back, that's farther."

"I love you to Pluto and back, you can't beat that." I smile stupidly at him and he does the same.

"Of course I can, Anastasia. I love you to the next galaxy and back."

I hug him again, inhaling his animalistic scent and I can't avoid it, I bite him on his chest.

"Fuck, Anastasia. That's too much, stop."

 _Did I hurt him?_ I feel awful. "I'm sorry."

"Someday, baby, someday. Not tonight." He hugs me tightly feeling bad. He shouldn't, it was my mistake. "I want to lie down here with you, Taylor gave me this."

Binoculars! Perfect.

He turns off the lights and we lie down. It's a clear night, a summer, perfect, clear night, I get lost watching the night sky with the binoculars. "Why do you like the stars so much, Anastasia?"

That short question has a very long answer, I babble without control. "They are my oldest friends, a reminder that we humans are not essential to the Universe. Do you know why the inquisitors were so mad at Copernicus, Christian? He proved we were not the center of the Solar System. To make it worse, a few years after that the Sun became just another star in the Milky Way, we were not even in the center of our host Galaxy. We are like a grain of sand in a desert."

I look at him, he seems interested in what I'm saying so I continue. "And then it was proved that the Milky Way, vast as it is, is a mere island in an ocean of galaxies. Now we know that we are not even made of the same stuff as most of the Universe."

His eyes are open in disbelieve. "I've read about this, Christian, I'm not making this up."

"Anastasia, this's so interesting!"

I smile shyly at him. "The stars are the reminder of how insignificant we are. Yet, we humans rebel against that and live our lives as if it was the most precious gift conceded to us by some foreign power. Gods, Nature, Chaos, Serendipity, you choose."

Raising himself up on one elbow he kisses my head.

"I felt so insignificant that I knew I needed to be stronger to defend my own dreams. It's not a crushing sense of insignificance, on the contrary, you look at the stars to realize you are part of something huge, and every time one of us breaks a chain the Universe becomes a better place, not bigger or brighter, but better. When we do that we are not insignificant anymore, we change the future, we change everything. I'm happy you broke a chain today."

He closes his eyes in pain. "You think I did that?"

"I know you did that, for her, for Mia."

His stubble is softer now as it's turning into a short beard. I'm enthralled caressing his face. Clasping my head in both his hands he kisses me, Christmas with presents.

"You make me look at the world differently, Anastasia. I want to make love to you right now, but I'll wait until tomorrow. Turn around." I pout and he laughs, injecting so much happiness in my spirit.

Curling into the curve of my back he holds me against him, entwining me tenderly and tightly in his arms, a pleasant end to our long day. I close my eyes satisfied, today the pedodator went down, she can fight all she wants, Christian is not hers anymore.


	31. Invisible cage

Chap. 31 Invisible cage.

APOV

The morning light is flooding the room, making my eyes narrow, I have a headache. But there is no headache in this world that can keep me from admiring the glass box we're sleeping in, it's so beautiful, all glass except for the wooden floor. There are some birds looking at me with curiosity, wondering what the hell I'm doing up here inside this invisible cage.

Christian's heavy breathing calls my attention, his eyes are moving erratically under his closed eyelids. "Christian." He doesn't wake up but I know he needs to, he is having either a heavy dream or a mild nightmare. "Christian." His eyelids flutter, then open, he looks at me with a strange expression on his face trying to discern if I am real or not.

I rest my head on his chest, his heart is beating fast. "It was a nightmare, Christian. You are here with me."

"I was there with you too." _Mm, so I'm part of his nightmares now_.

"What was I doing?"

"Nothing. I need a strong coffee, let's go." His whisper is tinged with regret.

"Please, tell me."

I lift my head off his chest. His expression changes and he smiles an odd smile. "Your eyes are breathtakingly blue with all this light."

 _What? Why is he going off on this tangent? Is it that bad?_

"Thank you... Now, tell me."

"Let it go, Anastasia." _So serious_. It was bad.

"I have news for you." I rest my head back down on his chest.

"Okay?"

"But you need to tell me first."

I feel a sigh going through his chest and I can't help it but smile, he's telling me.

"You were cuffed, she cuffed you, and standing up in front of her you were as challenging as usual. I didn't know what would happen next, that's it."

This time I don't lift my head, I can't, I'm in shock. "Did she hurt me?"

"No." _Was it symbolic like in my dreams or is he lying?_

"Do you think she would do that to me?"

"No."

"Then why were you scared?"

Another sigh. "I wasn't." He strokes my head. "Stop, please, it was just a stupid dream."

I lift my head and he looks at me warily, knowingly. "It wasn't, but I'll stop."

He smirks, more relaxed. "You'll torture me later, won't you?"

"Surely."

Shaking his head, he smiles. "Anastasia, you're something else."

I go back to his chest. "Shut up, I'm what you need, your guardian owl."

Clasping his hands under my arms he pulls me up his body, embracing me tight. "Yes, you are what I need, my guardian tigress."

"I like it!"

"Of course you do. Your turn."

 _My turn? Right_. I whisper in his ear embarrassed. "Tomorrow there will be a big M in your mirror."

He chuckles amused by my honesty. "What should I do? And, how do you know?"

"I usually have a strong headache the day before it starts. Don't worry, I just get a bit moody for a couple of days."

"You have a headache!" He's worrying, I have dug my own grave, a headache and my ankle are too much for Christian. "Let's go, you need a substantial breakfast."

He lifts me but I protest. "It doesn't hurt like yesterday, I want to walk." Ignoring my words he heads to the kitchen. _My hair, my face, I can't have breakfast like this, I need some dignity_. He must be used to see this disaster next to him every morning.

Suddenly, Taylor is in front of us. "Good morning… Sir, I need a word with you... now." I nod at him, he's as unreadable as usual. _Is it The situation?_ I've avoided thinking about that, I've even forgotten to make the list to remember.

"Yes, Taylor?"

Taylor looks at me hesitantly, then speaks.

"Your parents are at the airport, they'll be here in approximately twenty minutes."

"Fuck!" He tries to move one hand but needs both to carry me. I know what he wants to do, so I run my hand through his hair three times where he usually does. Surprised, he glances at me. _We are a team, Christian, your legs are my legs, my hands are your hands_. He smiles shyly, I hope understanding my gesture.

"Put me down, Christian, please, I need to go to the bedroom to get ready." Mechanically, Christian pulls me against his chest and kisses my head. He must be very strong to carry me like this for such a long time.

"Give me one second, baby."

If yesterday was the smile, today is the astonishment; Taylor can't believe what he's seeing. _Humanized, Taylor, that's the word you are looking for inside your head_.

"Tell Mrs. Bentley to prepare their room and a strong breakfast. Is Elliot coming with them?"

"No, sir."

Christian sighs in relief. "That's all, Taylor." Taylor nods at both of us and disappears. The same gestures than Ray. _Oh no, Ray_. I shouldn't think of my parents right now, we need to focus on his. What a problematic relationship, this man is one in a million in every sense.

He sits next to me in his bedroom leaning his forearms on his legs, his face like the one at Escala, the small child that got caught.

"Do you think Mia called them?"

He shakes his head. "I know Mia called them. Discretion is not one of her virtues when it comes to the family."

Crawling over the bed, I sit behind him hugging his waist. "What did you decide to do about Elena?"

"She won't go to Paris with her, and we'd have a family meeting Friday night. Christ, why on Earth did she called them? Why couldn't she wait until Friday?"

Mia really screwed things up, she should have respected that agreement and give him some time. "Do you think she is coming too?"

He stands up breaking my hug. "I hope no, I prefer to be alone with my parents."

I stand up too and he narrows his eyes. Even though they need to be alone, I need to wash up and get dressed to greet them. "Just going to the bathroom, need some privacy." I limp to the door knowing it's hard for him to watch me doing it without his help. Once inside, I close the door. My reflection in the mirror confirms what I knew. A total disaster. _He loves you_. Mhm, if he's okay with this he must love me deeply. _What about the dragon?_ Oh, shut up.

…

It's been half an hour and still nothing. Christian is nervous, like yesterday, pacing the floor. I'd be doing the same if it wasn't for my ankle.

Taylor shows up to let us know that his parents went to the same hotel Mia is staying. Is his team following them? Carrick and Grace must think Christian is oblivious to their presence here.

"Call them, Christian, this waiting is unnecessary. Just tell them, make it fast, like a Band-Aid being ripped off." He narrows his eyes and I don't know why. "What?"

He sits in front of me. "Your father doesn't know about Paul Clayton."

 _Boy, that's a low blow_. "Of course not, Paul is not Ray's dearest friend, a friend that is raping his children one by one."

"Anastasia!" His tone is menacing. Well, I'm not afraid of his _'Anastasias'_.

"You started, there was no reason to mention Paul Clayton." He looks like a tiger about to pounce. "Save that hostility for the next time you see Mrs. Insincere Smile, Mrs. Pedo Actress, and value the possibility of this being some personal vendetta against your parents. That woman is cruel but not stupid, she is playing with fire, there must be a shocking reason behind all this."

He regards me intently, eyes open in surprise. Such 'possibility' has never crossed his mind. Then, giving me a censorious frown, he tilts his head to one side. "Always considering the worst scenario."

 _Always? Why does he say such a thing?_ "Right, because yesterday you thought she wants to give Mia the most exciting tour through Paris. _La vie en rose_ … She's dangerous, your words."

He drags his hand through his hair and suddenly braces his elbows on his knees burying his head in his hands. He looks so lost at the moment that I push my angriness aside, he needs my support, not my antagonism. Or maybe he needs both.

I go and sit next to him, caressing his back. "It's not your fault Christian, you are a victim even though you don't feel like one. I know how hard this is for you, and I know why you said that about Ray, but it's not the same, that woman is a presence in their lives. Because she's welcome inside their house, she tricked Mia. You must tell them the truth."

He grabs me by my waist, lifting me up, and before I know it I'm on his lap, his arms around me, his nose in my hair. "I don't know what to tell them, Anastasia, I've disappointed them enough, you have no idea. They saved my life, literally, and in return, I made theirs miserable. When I was 15 Grace was always crying, she didn't know what to do with me, I was expelled from three schools for violent behavior. After Elena all that stopped, Grace was smiling again… at me."

 _Jeez, with one move the pedodator took two down, maybe three_. "Oh, Christian, do you know the story The Wizard of Oz? It's a story about how incomplete we all are and our search for completeness. Scarecrow lacked a brain, Tin man had no heart, Lion needed courage, and Dorothy was lost without her home. You weren't a bad boy, you were just incomplete. There are persons that can read our needs and take advantage of us. I think Elena Lincoln is one of those persons, manipulative and dangerous. She's aiming your parents for some reason, don't allow it, Christian. And if I'm wrong, then she is after Mia now, maybe to get your attention."

There is sadness in his eyes. My heart constricts as I remember the burn scars marring his skin. I could kill Elena Lincoln right now, slowly and painfully, how can someone take advantage of such a tormented boy? But I know he's not defeated, and he has me, with four years of recovery on my side

"Just tell them, I can be here with you if you want. If they don't understand, at least they were warned. And you will be stuck with me forever, just me."

I shrug my shoulders and he smiles. _Yes, it's in the hole!_

"Oh, I hope so, Anastasia." He takes hold of my chin and kisses me hard. A passionate, beseeching, full of presents kiss. It leaves me breathless. I know what he's asking for, but I already am _his_. Suddenly, he takes his phone out of his pocket and staring at me with determination calls his mother.

"Dad?" I register his surprise that Carrick has answered the phone. "I'm here waiting for you… yes, I know, we need to talk." Christian's voice is almost inaudible and my heart constricts once more. Nevertheless, his look doesn't lose the previous determination. "No, not Mia, just you and Mom, please."

He hangs up. "They're on their way." Christian's arms tighten around me. "I need you here with me, Anastasia. Whatever happens don't leave the room. Do you understand?" I nod frantically. "If they ask you to go, don't say anything, I'll tell them you won't. This's important, Anastasia." I nod again.

I try to go back to the sofa but he doesn't let me. "Don't go."

"Okay."

…

The awkwardness of the moment has no precedent in my life. Carrick and Grace are sat in front of us studying ours faces, mostly mine. I know they'd prefer to be alone with their son but Christian needs me here, so here I am.

"First of all, I want you to know that I'm truly sorry for what I'm about to say." Grace squirms nervously and I feel sorry for her, this's going to hurt.

Christian grabs my hand and the gesture doesn't go unnoticed. "Elena Lincoln seduced me at the age of fifteen. I don't know if you remember that time, I was supposed to be working on her yard three afternoons a week. Well… I wasn't."

Carrick pales as his hands start shaking. _Oh no, I hope he doesn't have a stroke_. Grace's eyes widen and her mouth opens in disbelieve, but she doesn't make a sound. I feel Christian tightening his grip on my hand as he continues.

"Mia told me yesterday she was planning a visit to Paris with Elena. I asked her to cancel it, I don't think it's convenient given the circumstances. I'm afraid she introduces Mia to the same world she introduced me twelve years ago. The world you read about in that article."

Carrick stands up abruptly. "THAT BITCH, I TOLD YOU GRACE."

Grace shut her eyes in pain, the tears rolling down her face. Christian drops to his knees in front of his mother as Mia did last night in front of him. He takes her hands in his and she opens her eyes in surprise. "Please Mom, don't cry, you have cried enough. I have taken you through hell, I'm so sorry."

 _Come on Grace, react, come on_.

And she does it tenderly, like that day at Escala she caresses her son's cheek. "My baby, my beautiful baby, I'm the one that should apologize, not you. I sent you to her house, I did everything she asked for in my desperation to help you, and when Carrick doubted I ignored him, convinced that you were finally overcoming your anguish, your anxiety." She shuts her eyes again. "Oh God, it was so obvious."

Carrick grasps Christian's shoulders and pulls him to his feet. Christian is a little taller than him but looks contrite. "I'm sorry too son, so sorry. Thanks for telling us, we don't deserve..." He pulls him close before placing his head on Christian's shoulder, sobbing. Christian freezes but doesn't balk. Slowly, he raises one arm and hugs his father, comforting him.

"I'm fine, Dad."

"No, you are not…" The sobs interrupt his sentence. Carrick pulls away, wiping his eyes. "But you will be." He glances at me and my face burns. "Let's sit down, I have something to tell you."

Christian comes back to my side eyeing me worried, I'm in shock but I'm fine, trying to contain my emotions and the tears that threaten. My right hand is again in his, we both need the physical contact. I squeeze and he squeezes back.

Carrick takes a deep breath and talks. "I had a fling with her a long time before meeting your mother, and well… I wasn't really interested. She started to behave strangely but it all stopped when I asked her to back off." _I knew it._ "We ran into her at a charity ball two years after your mother and I got married, she and Grace became friends. I don't know if there is a connection, but it might be."

Grace is looking at him with disapproval and he clears his throat, shifting on the sofa. "It was a long time before we met. I didn't think it was important."

"What? That you slept with one of my friends? We'll discuss this later." She turns to gaze at Christian, who is utterly surprised for what his father just said. "Christian, I repeat, you have nothing to be sorry for. I think it's obvious that Carrick and I made huge mistakes." Her tears start to flow again but this time is Carrick the one who holds her hands. "We love you so much, Christian."

Carrick stands up again. "I need a drink. Son?"

"Yes, please."

"Ana?"

"Yes, please."

"No, she can't, she is taking medication." Wow, not even in this situation he stops being a control freak. _He's right_. But I need that drink. _What you need is responsibility_. Yeah, and a drink.

They sip their drinks in silence, serious, concentrated on their own thoughts, going through this their own way. Grace's face shows so much hate, I know she's thinking of Elena right now. Suddenly, she stands up. "Cary, take me to the hotel, now." She walks toward us and we stand up too. Grace hugs Christian pressing her head against his chest and closing her eyes in pain. He wraps his arms around her.

"I'm okay, Mom."

"I'm going to say this just once, Christian. Cut all ties with that woman and forget about her. Your father and I will take care from now on, right Cary?"

Carrick narrows his eyes devilish in a scary way. "Right."

 _Oh Elena, you are so going down, you've messed with the wrong couple, and they are now out of the invisible cage you trapped them in a few years ago._

…

Christian and I are back on the sofa, staring at each other, calm finally settling in. We haven't opened our mouths since his parents left, there is no need and we are still in shock. Nevertheless, I can feel it, we connect the way some people only do in fantasy, I just hope he feels the same.

"You were right."

"Mhm." Sadly, I was.

Silence again.

"I need to get out of here."

"Me too."

"Let's go, I'll drive, just us this time."

"I like it."

He smiles weakly. "Of course you do."

Christian is driving to nowhere, his beautiful music involving us sweetly. I observe him with curiosity, he looks younger, freer. It will take some time, but layer after layer he will get rid of all the conditioning she anchored within him. We still have a lot to overcome, both of us, and once again I welcome the challenge.


	32. Birth

Chap. 32 Birth.

APOV

Staring at the table, I feel how the confidence I embraced this noon flies away. The old statement 'too good to be truth' slapping my face while I contemplate the four forks, two spoons, and three knives in front of me. _What for? Surely not for satisfying primal needs_.

I'm sure the Chinese persons that invented spoons and forks a thousand years ago, didn't imagine these brilliant and simple creations would be turned into something so complicated and intimidating.

"You know what to do, Anastasia." Christian is sat in front of me, the table is small, circular, covered by a long elegant tablecloth. The restaurant looks modern and fancy at the same time, it's a French restaurant.

"Yeah, I remember, from outside in. Salad, meat, and… something else."

He chuckles. "It depends on how many courses are being served."

"Right." _Please God, make it just two, seriously, I don't need more than that_.

"Just follow me, Anastasia. You'll do fine."

 _Bossy man_. He must be enjoying this _just-follow-me_ moment so much. I guess we will share more moments like this one. There is no escape, to be with him means to deal with "classy people", which doesn't necessarily mean to become one. I know little about the rules of this world: how to eat, how to dress, how to walk. _Don't forget the makeup and the manicure_. Right, that too. _And your eyebrows, and probably your teeth aren't white enough_. Holy shit, cricket, stop. _Don't get me started with your hair_. Crap, I need a haircut.

I was raised by a carpenter, a man who taught me to dip bread in my soup, which I know is a very cultured thing to do in France and my neighborhood, but not here in this French restaurant, ironic. Some research I need to do for dealing with this, I hope there are some tips on the internet to send those rules to hell. I need to find out how to do it in the most stylish way possible, avoiding impoliteness and disrespect. Even for sending upper classes' rules to hell, you need some class.

He looks preoccupied all of a sudden but tries to hide it with a weak smile. A sad thought has just hit him.

"How are you, Christian?"

Frowning, he leans back in his chair, weighing the question. "If I told you I was fine, I'd be lying."

"I'm sorry."

He reaches across the table for my hand and I meet him with it. He caresses the top of it with his thumb.

"Don't be, Anastasia. This's something I need to go through."

"When are you supposed to see your therapist?"

"Flynn? This Friday. Why do you ask?" His eyes narrow, speculatively.

"He knows about the pedodator, you should tell him what just happened."

"The what?"

 _I forgot to filter my words_. Actually, I'm forgetting so many things, I can't keep the pace up. "Pedodator, you know… to me she is a predator."

He narrows his eyes. "Maybe she had an ulterior motive, not a noble one, but I still think she helped me." I remember when he mentioned Tony Stark, his head is definitively made of iron, no progress there.

"At least now you admit it wasn't her intention but a side effect, mostly due to your strong spirit."

He cocks his head to one side, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "I guess so."

Not the hardest iron, fortunately. "Good. But don't ever mention that in front of your parents, it'd kill them to know you feel somehow grateful. And I'm sure the 'side effect'," I make the double quotation marks with my fingers, "wouldn't be beneficial for Mia."

A fleeting troubled look crosses his face. "I know. This whole mess is because of that."

There is a necessary pause to give a thought to the mess, a homage. _Yeah, what a blessed mess!_

"Don't worry, your parents are a good team." _That sucked at looking after you, but still_. "Do you like my dress?"

He leans back again with a wary expression on his face, my sudden change of subject surprising him. "I've heard that's a tricky question."

"Just be honest or I'll use my fake-o-meter." I lean back too, mirroring his scrutinizing look.

"Do you have one, Anastasia?"

"Oh, I can tell, Christian, I can tell."

His face is now totally relaxed. "That means you know what it's about."

 _Poor innocent vampire_. "Of course I do. The question is, can you tell, Christian?"

"Are you a faker?" Showing his disbelieve, he opens his mouth and smiles.

I feel the heat on my face but don't care. "Well..."

"You've never faked one with me."

 _Conceited bastard_. "Are you sure?"

He frowns. "Yes, your whole body screams when it happens, you're actually very responsive."

 _Oh_.

I like the way he puts it.

"And that asshole couldn't tell?"

"No." It doesn't make me feel proud of myself, it's pathetic and sad. The fact that José couldn't tell just shows at what extent he didn't care, I'm sure I'm not a great actress. There were moments I thought sex was about 'alleviating' men.

I squeeze his hand again, continuing my train of thought out loud. "But now I know what all the fuss is about."

"Me too. To me it's not Vanilla but Dark chocolate, especially yesterday." He winks and my heart warms up, _we are re-defining!_

"No, I don't like it." I feign disgust. "Pistachio."

Stroking his chin thoughtfully, he leans on his elbow. "Nah, but let's keep the color. Mint chocolate chip."

A happy laugh escapes from me and I squirm in my chair when notice an old couple that look at me with curiosity, that was too loud. _Sorry, but we discovered our flavor_. "Yes, I like it. Wasn't that the flavor of the ice cream we shared at the Marina?"

Christian leans forward to kiss my hand and whispers. "Destiny."

"Mint-chocolate-chip-sex, a flavor that is meant to be!" I check the long of the tablecloth, it's long enough. With my leg I caress his. "Would you like some?" His eyes widen and darken while he traps my leg between both his own.

"Anastasia, you are getting bold."

"Is that a problem?"

He smiles. "An unexpected treat."

"Well… I'm wearing a dress." I bite my lip the way he likes it and his expression changes instantly sending me a message: _I know what you're doing_.

"Yeah, and answering your question, I like that dress. It's fucktastic." I can't avoid a giggle and he tightens the grip on my leg making my breath hitch.

An annoying voice interrupts our perfect moment. "Hi, Christian." _Shit, is Lily_.

"Hi, Lily." Without standing up, Christian squeezes my hand and kisses it, making it obvious that I'm here too. Lily frowns but obliges looking at me. "Hi."

"Hi, Lily."

"Is Mia with you?"

"Yes, your parents too. They'll be here in a minute." Mm, so this's the favorite restaurant of the Trevelyan-Greys here in Aspen, all of them.

Lily looks at me with disapproval. _Awful girl_. I love my dress, I chose it with my Lady Knight, to me it's a one-of-a-kind. Lily's dress is very elegant, and her high heels enhance the effect, she's very attractive except for the gesture on her face.

I take a moment to analyze how the people in the restaurant are dressed. Evidently they all wear expensive clothes but don't share a unique style. Some of them look elegant, some of them look casual, especially the old couple. I like them, how they smile at each other, how they look at each other, so much complicity. There is a glowing around that table that makes me feel confident about our future together, it's strange, like feeling nostalgic for what will come.

"Anastasia."

What a special sensation, _a glance to the future!_ Christian and I in forty years celebrating our mint-chocolate-chip-connection.

"Anastasia."

The Greys are in front of us, I stand up quickly accepting Christian's hand and blushing miserably. I can see the nervousness in every face. _The mess!_ Another silent homage.

Watching them I realize what this is, labor pains, the mess is a birth. _It looks more like a forceps delivery_. Yep, but the result will be equally marvelous. A new Christian will see the light for the first time soon, embracing his place inside this family. He will never be happy if he doesn't understand and accept inside his heart their love for him.

Elena Lincoln made it worse by telling him how disappointed they all were, expecting nothing good from him. She made BDSM look like a deserved punishment that freed him from his eternal guiltiness and anxiety. _A happy ending punishment_. Exactly, that's why he always came back for more, allowing her to slowly inject more and more poison.

All of them hug me, maybe they like me, at least a little. Lily doesn't, she wants Christian, I can see it on her face.

Grace is the first one talking. "How wonderful to see you before we leave."

"When are you leaving, Mom?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"We are leaving in the evening. Would you like to come with us?"

Mia smiles. "Yes."

"No, Mia." Grace admonishes softly. "Enjoy your vacation, darling, I know you haven't been here in a long while, you should stay for the weekend too."

"I have an important meeting Friday morning."

Carrick palms his shoulder. "You have an important life to live, Christian. We'll be in the next room, we are having dinner with some friends. Enjoy."

They all hug me again and I want to believe I'm already a member of this family. Carrick and Grace whisper something in Christian's ear and he blushes. Wow, this's the first time I've seen him blushing, it must have been important.

Back at the table, we stare at each other. I take a sip of my wine, a big sip, I need alcohol to mask my concern.

"Just one sip, Anastasia." _Yes, daddy_.

The waiter places the plates in front of us and we begin to eat. I watch him, mirroring his actions.

"You should not use the fork to scoop food."

"Okay." Wow, what a terrible thing, to scoop food with the fork, sacrilege! _Elegance, manners, distinction_. Bullshit, cricket, but let's adapt.

We finish eating in silence and I take another long sip, I have to take advantage of my few opportunities. He's distracted, so distracted that didn't see me sipping my wine. My heart constricts in my chest. I want him back here with me.

"Christian, how did I do?"

His smile doesn't reach his eyes. "Very well, Anastasia, but you haven't finished."

"Yes, I have. Look, the knife and the fork are in the center of the plate, vertically."

He frowns. "Half of the food is still on the plate."

"I've had enough."

"At least eat the fish, please. I need you healthy, and tomorrow… you know." He implores with a soft tone and I can't say no.

"Okay. But that's not a disease. My body storages, getting ready."

I start eating slowly, sensually, moaning in pleasure from the taste of it. "This's so good."

He chuckles and resumes eating, eyes on my face. I hope I've closed the window to my soul with my little performing, or he will notice how embarrassed I am deep inside. My mouth around the fork makes him shifts in his seat. "Mmm."

I spear a carrot stick with my fork and put the tip of it in my mouth, sucking the garlic sauce from it. Christian's eyes widen infinitesimally, but I notice. As if on cue, the music starts in the restaurant, it's melancholic but intense, providing an apt atmosphere.

"Small or big bites?" I put the carrot in my mouth, waiting for instructions.

Under the table, Christian caresses my leg with his, he's back. I have to learn the secrets of seduction, sometimes it's easier to handle his mercurial personality with foreplay.

"Small bites." He murmurs quietly.

One bite and he squeezes my leg. I'm the one caught under the spell of this game of seduction. Like me, he sucks the tip of a carrot stick and I feel a pull deep in my belly. _Wow, food is not just for feeding the body but nourishing the libido, this is powerful._

He notices I'm hypnotized and chuckles. "Oh, Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?"

I can't help it but smile. "Mint chocolate chip?"

Good thing about super-fancy restaurants, the bathrooms are huge and personal.

…

In the bathroom, we smile stupidly at each other. I wash my hands and finger-comb my hair. _Let's check in the mirror:_ eyes bright, cheeks slightly flushed, decent hair. This will do.

He's leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets, watching me with a calmed expression. "You are one beautiful woman, Anastasia."

His blindness always gets me. I kiss him briefly. "I love you too."

He puts one arm around me, clasping me to him, while the fingers of his other hand softly trace my face. "Best flavor ever, baby."

I melt inside. Stroking his soft short beard I realize the pirate is almost here. "Mhm… I better go back before someone notices."

I kiss him again and walk to the table just limping a little, my ankle is almost cured. Once there I take advantage of his absence and drink my wine.

"You don't look good _on him_." I splutter into my wine. Lily is standing in front of me and suddenly sits down. As I recover I study her face, too much makeup. She reminds me the _Indominus Rex_ of Jurassic world, an awful artificial hybrid that loses perspective and is taken down by the 'natural' dinosaurs, the traditional horrors. I'm distracted for a second by my odd thought, which gives me an idea of what to answer.

"I don't give a shit. Do you know what is your position in the food chain right now, Lily? You are at the bottom while I'm at the very top of it." Her eyes widen, she didn't expect this, so I should take advantage. "I'm the top-predator's mate, Lily, and he happens to be monogamous and devoted. That means the top predator is eating from my hand. Haven't you noticed that?" She stares at me and opens his mouth to say something. I can't let her.

"I don't give a shit about your pathetic opinion, Lily, and I don't give a shit about your superficial and decadent world because I don't play by your rules. I make my own rules, it's called personality."

We stare at each other for a few seconds, then Christian shows up. "What the fuck are you doing here?" She looks at him startled, then at me. I smirk sending her a wink. _Told you so!_ She stands up quickly and leaves. Deep inside I feel sorry for her, the top-predator was agressive, but I really don't care, she deserved that.

Christian sits and makes a sign to the waiter, asking for the bill. "What did she tell you?"

Staring at my hands I repeat her remark. "That we don't look good together."

"She is right." I raise my head in surprise. "We don't look good, we look perfect together." I beam at him, what a shame Lily didn't hear this.

…

Driving slowly through the town I admire the architecture of the buildings. There are a lot of people on the street, wandering around, enjoying the night. All of a sudden, a beautiful music subjugates me. "Stop Christian, I want to hear them."

Two men and a woman are playing a violin, a cello, and a bass on the sidewalk; 'Demons' from Imagine Dragons*. They must be visiting the Aspen Institute Arts Program. "Oh my God, Christian. Let's go."

We stand there with the rest of the people, admiring the astonishing mix of string instruments performing popular songs. Christian is enthralled by the music, his body moving subtly, following the rhythm, normalcy surrounding us. _Mm, I know Taylor must be near here_. He looks so young, so relaxed, so him. I hold his hand, there is no adjective for this Christian, this's just _my Christian_.

When the musicians finish we applaud and all I can think is _'golden buzzer, golden buzzer'_. That was extremely beautiful and I realize I miss watching TV with Kate.

Somebody shouts at them asking for another song and they start playing 'Counting stars'. Christian stills for a moment, then turns to look at me smiling. _Oh dear, he remembers!_

He gets closer to my ear. "You bewitched me that morning with that verse." _A flavor and now a song_.

I hug him by his waist and he holds me, burying his face in my hair; he still needs so many hugs. How did he survive without feeling the love and affection contained in one hug? I read once that the first attempt of humans after arriving to this world is to hug; the just born extends both tiny arms inviting others to correspond, seeking for someone to warm that small body, that little pristine soul. That's how important hugging is for us, as vital as air or water.

"What did your parents tell you, Christian?"

Without breaking the hug, he whispers. "That I had never disappointed them, that they are both proud of me." _Right, the mess, the painful mess._ I need to be attentive, as soon as just born Christian sees the light and extends his arms I'll be there to give him the first hug, probably the most important one.

…

…

…

…

-Simply Three. Youtube. 1-Demons (violin/cello/bass cover). 2-Couting stars (violin/cello/bass cover).


	33. Going back to go forward

Chap. 33 Going back to go forward.

CPOV

Anastasia is sleeping peacefully, she looks perfect surrounded by the night in this room made of glass, like a fallen star. I pull the blanket over her and roll onto my back shaking my head. _A fallen star_... I'm starting to think like her, first addicted, now infected.

We are leaving tomorrow and that worries me, I'd like her to stay here for a few more days but I already know her answer to that. Stubborn creature, her unexpectedness makes me nervous although I don't want her to be any other way.

I stand up carefully, to me the day isn't over. I have so much in my mind.

' _You have never disappointed us, we are so proud of you_.'

Their words still resonate inside my head, torturing me. Is that true or just a convenient comment made out of guilty? I've never sensed such proud from them, actually, it was the opposite. But maybe I wasn't paying attention, distracted by my own shit. That shouldn't be an issue anymore, I'm a grown man now.

What nagged me the most is not if they were or not proud of me, I didn't do anything back then to earn that, but the possibility of Elena lying about them. Elena is the only relationship I've allowed myself all these years, supposedly because she could understand the roots of my despair. Now, it turns out she not only reinforced unfounded doubts but fabricated new ones. I'm not convinced.

I head into the kitchen and after drinking a large glass of water I make the phone call I need to do.

-"Christian, it's midnight."

+"Dad, why did you say that to me? I'm 27 now, I'm fine."

-"It doesn't matter how old you are, you need to know the truth, she lied."

+"Are you sure?"

-"What the hell, Christian? Of course I'm sure."

My silence is the only answer I can manage. I don't believe him and can't understand why bother telling me something so hard to connect with experience. I start pacing the floor, anxiety flowing through my veins for the many implications of this.

-"Christian, you were always aware of your surroundings, connecting with other people's pain like if you knew what they were going through. You develop empathy so easily, you got that from Grace. And there is so much determination in you, once you focus on a goal you drive ahead and achieve it, non-stop. You inherited that from me. Grace and I are convinced you have the best of us and much more, all combined making you a remarkable person."

I freeze on the spot, that word again, _remarkable_. This feels painfully necessary to hear, nothing solved after all, maybe Flynn is right and the insecure teenager is still inside me

Carrick exhales a deep sigh.

-"Son, I'm aware I'm not good at communicating my feelings through words, but you need to know. I'm old and I don't want to leave without fixing this."

Enduring my silence Carrick continues.

"When Grace called me that morning and asked me to go to the hospital I knew something huge will happen. I'll never forget the moment you looked at me with those big gray eyes, I immediately recognized it. Like me, you walked through hell and came back in one piece. Your body was broken but I saw your strong character behind that look still intact. I remember how you took Grace's arm sending me a challenging look, you wanted to be with us but not at any cost. I couldn't help it but love you that instant, you were already mine in a way that just a son can be."

 _Fuck, he's even worse than Anastasia._

Losing my balance I sink to the floor, slowly. I feel mad at him for not telling me this until today, mad at me for not realizing, and extremely mad at Elena for lying to me.

+"I had no idea."

-"And that's our mistake, not yours. Do not confuse Grace's sadness with disappointment. She was sad because thought she failed you as a mother, not because you failed her as a son. The pain to see you so desperate and confused blinded us, we didn't see what was going on in front of our eyes. I hope one day you will forgive us."

Almost in a whisper I manage to talk.

-"There is nothing to forgive. You saved my life that day at the hospital."

I hang up remembering, Carrick and Grace had been nothing but respectful, patient, and loving while I was a child, the problems started after I turned fourteen and my angriness subdued me.

I dial again.

-"Christian."

+"Why did you lie to me?"

-"What?"

+"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LIE TO ME, ELENA?"

Her voice just makes me angrier. I'd have come back to her house without the lies, there was no need to drown me deeper into my shit.

-"Calm down, please. I don't know what you are talking about."

There is a tremble in her voice and I know what it means, after all these years I know Elena too well for my own good. I take a deep breath.

+"But you have an idea."

-"No. I've always been honest with you."

+"Really, Elena? You think you can use that line on me?"

She chuckles nervously. Suddenly, I realize that calling her was impulsive, I shouldn't let her know about my parents' awareness, Elena can be revengeful in a wicked way. And my mother was right, I don't need more of her bullshit, I should cut all ties, even hearing her voice is disgusting and wakes emotions I want gone… for good. I need a distraction.

+"You knew about Susanne's interview."

Elena sighs in relief, which reinforces my parent's version.

-"Well, she might have said something but I wasn't sure. You are a busy man, I didn't want to worry you with doubts."

+"You've got to be kidding me!"

I groan as a new realization hits me, she wanted me vulnerable again, that's what all these lies are about. I should ask Susanne, maybe all that mess was Elena's idea, the solution she offered for getting the money. It worked, I was vulnerable but Anastasia was there first, working her magic and taking me in a different direction.

Flashes from that night come to me, I remember hugging her, it was so impulsive, so animal, that's what such vulnerability made me do. I'm sure Elena doesn't know how her actions pushed Anastasia to the very center of my life. No, I don't need to talk with Susanne, now I know Carrick and Grace are saying the truth, that's all that matters right now. Elena DID lie to me when I was a teenager, she needed me vulnerable so I surrendered to whatever she wanted to do with me.

-"Christian, you are nervous, you need to get rid of all that anxiety and I have the perfect person for that. It's so obvious that girl is not helping you."

 _What the fuck?_ She is now charging against Anastasia.

+"I don't want to see you ever again. I don't want to hear from you again, Elena. I don't want you messing up my life any more than you messed it up already."

-"Christian, why are you telling me this? You know I just want what is best for you, I care about you."

Of course, she wants me to believe she is the only one really caring about me. I've been such a fool, such an idiotic zombie if I use Anastasia's words. I smile weakly, her effect even in this shocking moment. I welcome Anastasia's infection... no, it's more like a vaccine against Elena's infection.

+"Well, don't, I warn you. If I see you again it will get ugly and you know me well, I don't bluff. And regarding Anastasia, I already told you, don't you even dare to talk to her or I'll ruin your business to the ground."

I hang up and let the cell phone drops to the floor; the feelings from those years coming back to me in waves: hurt, shame, guiltiness. I need to move on, all that is in the past.

I look up and there is Anastasia, standing at the threshold of the kitchen wearing just one of my T-shirts. Her long legs looking longer from down here, her impossibly big and blue eyes observing me with attention, her hair falling free in a tangled mess around her pale face, her ridiculously expressive face. _The beautiful creature that she is in all her splendor!_

She remains in silence, she knows that's what I need right now, she always knows what I need. I stand up and call her raising one hand, I have to touch her, I don't want to be alone, not with this knot of emotions frozen in my throat. Anastasia runs toward me and hugs me with so much force that I stumble. I wrap my arms around her, the feeling of oneness and rightness that envelopes us so rooted in me, like never before.

"Anastasia."

"I know, Christian."

My name from her lips completes the moment. I carry her in my arms back to the glass room, she needs to sleep but I need her. It always surprises me that without being a submissive, Anastasia is indeed my perfect match.

…

Sat in my plane next to Anastasia, with the softness and warmness of her hand in mine, I replay the day in my mind, eyes closed. It was nice to spend it doing nothing but lying on the grass watching the soft waves on the lake and reading. It was relaxing, _I need relaxing_. After the picnic we went to town and bought a neoimpressionist painting of Maroon Lake, she wanted it as a memory of this trip. I wonder where she wants it.

Anastasia's voice interrupts my reverie. "Are you tired?"

"No, I was thinking of the painting."

"I'm happy we are starting the extreme makeover with that painting."

I open my eyes to find a smiling Anastasia. "Extreme makeover?"

"Yes Christian, your penthouse gives me the creeps. To start, you have those Madonna paintings in the foyer, all of them extremely white and pale like if there weren't other colors in the world. They are not inviting, make the foyer looks like the entrance to some neo-Nazi cult. And that's before start noticing the army of blondes."

I frown. I don't want people feeling welcomed in my place, I want them out. The neo-Nazi comment, well… she might have a point.

"Leave the foyer alone, only you are welcome there."

Rolling her eyes she squeezes my hand. "Okay, then we'll have to splash some imaginary color."

I smile closing my eyes, the idea is more than appealing, I like her way to splash color on my walls. "We aim to please, Anastasia. And about your other comment… I'll work on that. Another pending issue."

The silence that suddenly surrounds me, makes me nervous. I open my eyes and she is looking at me with that v above her nose. _Oh shit, what now?_

"What, Anastasia?"

"We are going back."

"Mhm."

"I have pending issues too. I want to know."

"About what?" This's so unexpected that I don't even know what the hell she is talking about.

"Leila and Paul."

 _Fuck._ Of course she wants to know. She must have heard when Welch called me at noon.

"What do you want to know?"

"Let's start with… everything?"

 _Well, the sooner, the better_. "TAYLOR."

Taylor comes quickly from the galley, a surprised look on his face. "Sir?"

I point to the seat in front of her. "Sit there, Taylor. Anastasia has some questions about Paul Clayton."

Taylor eyes widen almost imperceptibly, I know I'm throwing him to the tigress but I prefer him doing this, I can't.

…

…

APOV

"Is she really pregnant?"

Taylor straightens his back before answering me.

"Yes."

Then all this was worth it. A baby is always a priority, no exceptions.

"Is she okay? Did she start working?"

"Mrs. Clayton has severe trauma, physical and psychological trauma. The doctors want her there in the Clinic for at least a couple of months to avoid depression or anything that could harm the baby."

Pain lances through me. _Severe trauma._ I abandoned her to that, to _severe trauma_. She wanted to fight back but she couldn't do it alone, it was too much for her and I walked away cowardly. I disgust myself.

Someone squeezes my hand, I forgot Christian was sat next to me. He's is studying my face and obviously doesn't like what he sees there. I must hurry or he'll stop this.

"Is he really after me?"

Taylor doesn't answer immediately, he looks at Christian but Christian is just staring at me, grabbing my hand.

"We aren't sure. A team is keeping an eye on him and it looks like, so far, he's continued with his routines. Nothing abnormal in the apartment or the car."

To hear that gives me hopes, maybe he's just accepted Leila's decision. _He had your address_. Shit, my inner judge and her truths. _You know he is not that kind of guy, why are you lying to yourself?_ Right, it's actually suspicious that he's moved on so quickly, when I left him he stalked me for three months, and even having Leila he was still watching me. This's bad, I remember the worse days were those after the ones he was quiet, chewing his frustration, although he never did to me the things he had done to Leila. He's escalating.

"How much time are you planning to keep him under surveillance?"

Taylor sends me a sympathetic look, another new expression on that face. "Indefinitely."

Christian keeps his eyes on me, assessing my every reaction. I can't face him now, so I close mines. I shouldn't be doing this because I know he will get neurotic about my safety, but the opposite is just irresponsible. "No Taylor, that's totally abnormal, that's not him, he's planning something and knows you are watching him. That's why you found nothing in his car or apartment, he hid everything."

Silence… more silence… I open my eyes and Taylor is looking at me surprised, digesting my words.

"Are you sure, Miss Steele?"

"Yes."

"Do you know if he has other properties?"

"No, I know very little about him."

Taylor frowns. "He has an uncle in Seattle, we already asked him about his nephew. He knows very little too."

All of a sudden I remember that awful day we visited his uncle. Paul sent me to his uncle's bedroom. " _He has some books for you,_ " he said smirking, he knew his uncle wanted to rape me. I throw a vase at his uncle's head and escaped, but he almost succeeded. How did I forget that? What else have I forgotten? No, I don't want to remember, I want to forget everything, forever. I have enough in my head, no more, please.

"He's lying too. He's as sick as Paul."

The seatbelt sign is off, so I stand up to walk through the plane, I can't stay sat. My body is trembling, I'm afraid of the images that threaten with invading my brain. _I don't want to remember, I don't want to remember_. Keep reciting this mantra will distract my mind.

I crash into Christian unexpectedly and almost sprawl to the floor on my back. He clasps me around my shoulders, giving me some equilibrium. "Calm down, Anastasia. Breathe."

I wasn't aware I was holding my breath. I breathe and the memory comes clear, vivid, his uncle's face is in front of me. I'm having a nightmare awake, it's the same sensation. I hold my breath again. _I want it gone, I want it gone_.

"Breathe, Anastasia."

I shake my head. _No, I want it gone_. My tears begin to flow.

"Anastasia."

I shake my head again. _No_.

Everything darkens around me, I can't see anything, I just hear Christian's voice calling me from afar while I start floating, disappearing. _Yes, his face is disappearing too_.

…

I wake with a start, someone is calling my name. It's repetitive, like a voice from a dream.

"Anastasia… please."

The fear in his voice constricts my heart. "Christian."

All I can see is his light blue shirt covering my eyes, he's hugging me. "Thank God you are back."

I close my eyes again, my head hurts. "What happened?"

"You had a panic attack, you fainted."

 _Holy crap._ I try to swallow, but it's hard with a dry mouth. "Water, please."

I sit up and he passes me a glass of water, I take a welcome sip trying to bring my erratic heart rate under control. A stark silence stretches between us but I want him to know. "I remembered."

"Hush… I know, don't go back there." He's whispering, maybe afraid I faint again. His hand stroking my hair calms me.

"Why did I allow all that, Christian? Why?"

"Try to think of something else."

Sighing, I look around. We are in a bedroom, a very strange bedroom. "Where are we?"

"Plane."

Wow, so the plane has a cabin with a bed.

"How long have I…?"

"Ten minutes."

My eyes are back on Christian, I can see something new, something wild on his face mixed with resolution. He now knows what he wants to do regarding THE situation. He's tired of witnessing how this threat flies around my head as a vulture.

 _Oh no_.

I'm finding it difficult to breathe again, but I try to do Kate's maneuver. In… out… in… out.

"Christian."

"Mhm?"

"Promise me something."

He scowls, he knows what I'm about to say and he disagrees. The mask is on. _Too late, Christian_.

"You have the motives, you have the means. Don't do it, there are other ways… please."

He stares impassively at me but his eyes harden. The mask and just the mask, not even one word.

"Christian, I'm serious, I'm begging you."

He sighs and screws his eyes tightly. "I can't promise you that."

 _Shit_. I swallow and try to subdue the panic rising in my throat. I take a deep steadying breath. "Please, Christian."

He runs a hand through his hair, pulling at it as he does. "He deserves it." His voice is low.

"But we don't. It'd kill me if you go to jail because of me."

He pales momentarily. "It wouldn't be because of you. You did nothing wrong."

It doesn't work, I need to be more convincing. "If the police come looking for you, I'll take the blame. They will believe me, I have stronger motives."

"What? No, you won't do such a thing." He gapes at me and looks wounded and angry at the same time. "Do you want this to happen to another girl, Anastasia?"

"That's not the point, Christian." I snap at him. Why can't he understand?

"We'll talk later."

Postponing, as usual. But at least the expression on his face has changed, the resolution is gone.

"Give me time to convince Leila to go to the police. I'll testify too. That's another option." _Please, Christian, be reasonable_.

"Okay. But if she doesn't want to denounce him, I'll have no choice. I won't put you at risk."

He caresses my cheek with the back of his hand, his mood changed in a nanosecond. "How do you feel?" He's preoccupied, even anguished.

"Better, but I need a hug." He comes closer and hugs me with both arms so I am completely wrapped up and inside him, like a turtle inside the shell. I hug him back wishing I won't remember anything else about that time in my life, there is no need. I really believe in the wishes we have in mind while someone who loves us hugs us sincerely. The wish will come true.

We go back to our seats and there is Natalia holding a glass of water and a pill, surely for me.

"Miss Steele, an Advil." Right, I still need ibuprofen for my ankle, but coming from Natalia must be some poisoned pill.

I take the pill, the glass of water, and sit. After she leaves I put the pill in my pocket, just in case.

"Why are you doing that?"

Jeez, Christian has the Osiris' eye, he should go to work with Anubis at the front door of Egyptians' afterlife. ' _May I resurrect?' 'No, you hid a pill, I saw it with my all-seeing eye_.'

"I just had one, I have to wait 6 hours before taking another Advil." _And I don't want to die this young, especially if I won't resurrect_.

Christian shakes his head as if knowing I'm lying, he takes out from nowhere the book I lent him this morning and continues reading it. I follow suit with the manuscript, one more chapter and I'll finish the first reading of it. Mr. Roach told me I should read the manuscripts twice; first as a reader, just getting embedded in the story; and then as an editor, examining the style and how the story is braided around the characters. With the experience, he said, I'll be able to do both things at the same time.

The first line I read makes me smile, it seems to be the fool is finally kissing her. Jeez, 150 pages to kiss the girl, what a waste of time-pages.

"So nice to see you're smiling."

Osiris' eye caught me again.

His face glows as if relieved, and I can't help it but think that he is as preoccupied with my 'process' as I am with his. We should both relax and enjoy the last minutes of this vacation, I'm tired of worrying about everything, more like exhausted.

"Thank you for these days, Christian. I think we needed this escape, you were right."

We have gained ground these three days, we are closer now. And what happened with his family was a bonus that complicated everything in a good way, a liberating way. _The prolific mess, the soul-connecting hug_. We've come so far together, we have still so far to go.


	34. Circles

Chap. 34 Circles.

APOV

Going up to the penthouse in the all mirrored glass elevator, I glance at Christian's face. He looks 'preoccupied', there is a wrinkle on his forehead. Maybe I shouldn't have asked about Paul, as Ray says, _if you ask be prepared, you'll get an answer_.

The wrinkle relaxes at my touch. "His uncle didn't rape me."

"No?"

"No. He tried but I didn't let him... Just focus on your work, don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm sorry if I have brought more stress to your mind."

Christian traces his thumb along my bottom lip. "That's not true, I've never been better. We are just going through a bad moment, it will pass."

 _I hope so_.

"Then why did you stop breathing?"

My sigh brings the wrinkle back. "I don't want to remember, I don't want new nightmares, that's all. I overreacted."

He knows what that means, awful nightmares threatening your sleep, your peace, every single day of your life. It's mentally exhausting, and sleepless nights are not always a possibility. Sometimes I'd like to get lost inside my mind, I know the severe cases of dissociation are able to do that, they disconnect from their bodies for long periods of time.

 _Selfish_. No, I'm not. _Selfish, what about him?_ Mm, he's better now, he can connect with a less complicated woman, one that doesn't bring so much stress in the backpack. All this started because he was preoccupied and I wanted to help him to relax, but look at him. I'm not a normal person. _Neither is he_. Well… I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a talkative cricket inside his head, he hasn't developed a loony internal world, and he doesn't dissociate to associate everything to some crazy fantasy.

I try to shake the clouds from my head but it's impossible, I'm in a bad place right now, feeling pessimistic. _Your M?_ Right, my period always depresses me a little, I know what I need, chocolate.

The elevator doors open, he takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen. "Have a drink with me, it's been a long day."

"Okay." I sit in the bar stool that is now 'mine'. I realize his over-the-top-seriously-rich style doesn't bother me like the first days. I'm getting used to his supers.

He looks at ease in his super kitchen and hands me a glass of wine. I take a sip, the wine is light, crisp, and delicious but I still want a chocolate, I know where Mrs. Jones keeps them. That magic food is like the mushrooms in Wonderland, one bite makes your soul grow immensely. _And your belly_. A fair price to pay for such a pleasure.

"You're very quiet, Anastasia." He murmurs. "Be honest with me, what's wrong?"

"I told you, I overreacted." I stand up to avoid his wrinkle, it punishes me to see how much I worry him.

The drawer that should contain the magic food is in front of me. I open it slowly, fascinated by the materialization of my desire. _Yes_. Milk chocolate does deserve a monument, so many depressions taken down by just one soldier. Two bites and I feel it. _Mm, better_.

"I'd like to be that bar." I flush, turning to gape at Christian. He's smiling his bad boy smile, I haven't seen it in a few days, it lifts my spirit. In a second he is standing next to me, staring at my mouth. "You know, you have something there." He reaches up his hand, pointing to the corners of my mouth. I close my eyes knowing what comes next.

His tongue on my lips with the flavor of the chocolate in my palate is deliciously erotic. "Mm, my sweet Anastasia, I want more."

 _Oh, me too_.

I break the chocolate bar in silence, offering him a piece. "Oh no, baby, that's not how I want it." He takes the small piece putting it in front of my mouth. "Open." I do what he says unable to think, hypnotized by the mischievous smile, the heated look, the soft and seductive voice. "Good girl, now eat it, take your time, I want to see you."

I close my eyes again, accepting it and chewing slowly, appreciating the sweet taste and swallowing the velvety piece of heaven. His mouth is suddenly on mine, coercing my lips apart, taking the flavor from my mouth as his arms fold around me, pulling me to him. I moan softly, sensation after sensation overwhelming me.

He breaks the kiss and I open my eyes. "Delicious, Anastasia. More?" Then I have an idea, I take another piece of chocolate, a bigger one, and hold it between us.

He smiles again, cocking his head to one side. "What are you going to do with that?"

Very deliberately I gently bite my bottom lip and then run my tongue across it, tracing where my teeth have been. He lifts one eyebrow. Opening my mouth I slid the chocolate onto my tongue, slowly, then take his right hand choosing his index finger to press the chocolate against my tongue, closing my mouth around its length without taking my eyes off his. He's serious now, his eyes wide open, he didn't expect this. _Good_.

Pressing my lips together as tightly as I can, I suck hard.

"Fuck." He closes his eyes.

 _Yes, I can do this_. I feel the chocolate melting, so I take his finger out just to pull him deeper into my mouth. He groans grabbing my hip with his free hand. His eyes are now open, staring at my mouth, watching my slow sensual tempo. In… out… in.

Chocolate and lust is the best combination I've ever tasted.

"Oh baby… that feels good." He closes his eyes again.

Mm, no, not enough, I want to go further and can't here in the kitchen. What if Mrs. Jones shows up? Or Taylor? _Horrific, I'd move out that minute_. I stop and he opens his eyes surprised. Taking the rest of the chocolate bar, I make my way to his bedroom. "Come with me, Christian, I want more chocolate, much more."

I glance over my shoulder, he's following me obediently, grinning his boyish grin. I like that grin, it makes me feel confident and carefree. I don't want to do this with domineering, CEO, or seductive Christian, no, I want to do this with _my Christian_ , and I want an A.

…

We get out of the bathroom smiling and wearing our bathrobes, that was a necessary shower after such a long day and such a chocolated mess. _A delicious mess_. He hugs me and kisses my forehead. "Let's get dressed, I have work to do." Glancing at the alarm clock I notice it's just after nine. I decide to get my clothes ready for work tomorrow.

I head upstairs to 'my room' and open the walk-in closet, freezing on the spot. _What the hell is all this? What happened? Where are my clothes?_

The closet is full of clothes but they are not mine. I take a closer look, they are all brand new with price tags still attached, very expensive dresses, skirts, blouses, jackets... All this must have cost a fortune. Holy fuck, he wants me to dress like Lily, like some rich elegant girl. _And he doesn't like my style!_

I put my head in my hands, I can't believe he did this without asking me, without taking my opinion into account. _Why? And where are my clothes?_ I can't find them.

Then I sense him, he's standing behind me. I turn around and glare at him, so angry, my blood boiling and burning its way through my veins like never before. He frowns, looking strangely awkward.

"What? They're just clothes. If you don't like them I'll send them back."

"I don't like them."

I slide one black blouse off the hanger, throwing it to the floor. "Submissive's style." A black skirt follows the blouse. "The same… She did say you like your girls in black." His eyes widen with a wary look.

"Did you choose all these clothes, Christian?"

"No, Anastasia, I didn't. I gave a list and your size to a personal shopper at Neiman Marcus. They should fit." _Whoa!_ He sounds angry. _How dare he?_

"Did you use this personal shopper to buy clothes to your submissives?"

His mouth is set in a tense, grim line. "Yes."

"What made you think I'd like to receive the same treatment, wearing what you and your personal shopper think is best for me?"

"Isn't this what you all want? Nice clothes, jewelry, expensive shoes?"

"EXCUSE ME?" _What you all want?_

"Careful, Anastasia."

"Or what?" I cannot contain my fury as I hiss at him.

He stares at me blankly, his face frozen.

"Or what, Christian?... We've been here already, you can't punish me. What is more, you can't even think of punishing me." I narrow my eyes remembering the books. "That's a hard limit for me."

Very slowly, Christian retreats one step, his demeanor hardening. "I told you I would fix the problem about your clothes… You said you feel bad for dressing poorly."

What? Did he misunderstand the whole conversation?

"Lily said that, you think that, I don't give a shit."

"Anastasia…"

"I don't give a shit. You said we look perfect together, you lied."

He runs a hand through his hair. "I didn't…"

"You lied… Get out of here, now!" This's painful, he said that because it was convenient.

"Why are you doing this?" His voice is low.

"OUT."

He turns and heads for the door, I stand frozen until I hear it close. Is our relationship at stake here? I have no idea but this is grave, this is a crucial moment.

I need to leave this super-penthouse now, it scares me, it's like a monster that wants to chew me and spit some unreal version of Anastasia Steele, one that fit in here with all this elegance. God, it's me the one going through the extreme makeover.

 _Isn't this what you all want?_ What an offensive statement, like if we were all the same, some predictable and homogeneous pack.

To have to choose what to wear from this submissive's selection makes me angrier. I take one blue dress, not as ridiculously elegant as the others, and put it on. Then I analyze the shoes, all high heels, I hate high heels, they make my back hurts. I choose a red pair, at least they won't combine, that's probably the only defying decision I can make right now. I look for my tampons in the drawers, fortunately they are still here, with my keys. I take them.

I head to the kitchen, there is my purse with my documents and cell phone. In the foyer, I press the elevator button and call Kate. I haven't seen Christian since I asked him to leave the bedroom, maybe it's better this way.

+"Ana, how are you? I've missed you."

-"Kate, are you back?"

+"I'll be back tomorrow morning. Why?"

-"Well…"

+"What's wrong? What did that creepy good-looking bastard do?"

I smile weakly. _Creepy_.

-"He wants to change me?"

+"Change you? How?"

-"He bought me new clothes, he used some personal shopper because he doesn't think I have opinion, style, or criteria."

+"Have you talked to him about it?"

-"No, I'm going to your place, I need to think this over."

+"You are leaving? Don't you think you should talk to him calmly about this before leaving?"

 _Mm_.

+"Don't you love him anymore, Ana?"

Shit, as usual, she is being merciless.

-"I do love him, Kate, but he can't treat me like if I were an object. He didn't buy me flowers, he changed my whole wardrobe without consulting me for heaven's sake."

+"Okay, that was very stupid but still..."

The elevator doors open, I need to go.

-"I'll call you later."

+"You are angry, Ana. Remember what you've always told me, that I shouldn't make decisions while being angry."

She's right, I've said that several times.

-"Mhm, bye Kate."

+"Call me."

I hang up and his voice startles me.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm going to Kate's apartment."

"Are you leaving me?" He murmurs, his voice full of sadness.

I turn around to face Christian. He looks preoccupied again and I feel a pang of guiltiness in my chest. But I'm tired, the truth is I'm tired to worry about everything. He wants to buy SIP to control my work environment, I'm living in his place, and now he changes my entire wardrobe? No, this's too much. I'm going straight to where I swore I'd never go again, _dependency_.

"I just need to think. I can't do that here."

"Anastasia, you are not safe there."

I avoid eye contact, I don't want him to see my fear, he could be right. Nevertheless, it scares me more to be dependent on Christian. I read once that to be dependent on another for existence, is the most radical kind of dependence possible. Yes, I won't make the same mistake twice. _Tell him_. He already knows this. _Tell him_.

"I'll take my chances."

He sighs resigned.

"Taylor will drive you, or Prescott."

"I can get myself there, thank you." I answer staring at the floor. If I look at him I might change my mind and I need to be alone.

"Are you going to defy me at every turn?"

That's what all this is about. He needs to understand that if he doesn't take me into account then yes, I will defy him. "Of course."

I climb in the elevator. "Christian, I'll call you tomorrow."

"I don't want you to go." He murmurs, his voice full of longing.

"I can't stay. I'll call you." The elevator doors close and I study my face in the mirror, I forgot to comb my hair, I look awful. _Really? Your hair? That's what you choose to think about?_ Shut up, I don't want to think about anything else right now.

I get out of the elevator and Taylor is standing in front of me. "Miss Steele, the car is ready."

What? How? Did he fly down here? This's impossible.

I try to walk but my legs don't move, I can't move my body and my heart beats a bit faster. What is wrong with me? I take a minute to calm down and breathe. _Oh no, I'm being impulsive, immature, irresponsible_. The i-list is endless. Kate and my subconscious are right.

"I'm not going anywhere, Taylor. Thank you."

I turn around, the elevator doors are still open so I climb back in. My legs are responding now, _betrayers_ , they want Christian too. You did that cricket. _You can thank me later, now go up and tell him_.

I stare at the keypad, I can't remember the access code, my mind is blank.

"1880." Taylor's voice startles me. He smiles and I feel better, he's a good man.

"Thank you." I murmur while the doors close and the elevator ascends.

In the elevator, I finger-comb my hair to look more decent for a heartfelt conversation. My feet and back hurt so I take the shoes off. Jeez, what a torture to wear these things. That makes me angry again. Does he want me to wear those fancy clothes and uncomfortable shoes?

I step out of the elevator and all the tension evaporates at the sight of him. He's sat on the floor, his head in his hands, he looks devastated. _What have I done?_

Without raising his head, he talks. "Go, Taylor, I'll see you tomorrow."

"It's me."

He looks at me utterly surprised. "Anastasia!"

I want to go to the floor with him, I want to hug him, to reassure him, but what he did was grave. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do.

"You have 30 seconds to apologize, Christian."

He stares at me as confused as I am. Suddenly, I remember my mother words, she was right, this is hard work every day.

I cross my arms swallowing my hesitation. "Twenty-five."

Christian chuckles nervously and stands up quickly. In two long steps he's in front of me, hugging me with so much strength that I can barely breathe. The hated shoes fall to the floor.

"I'm sorry Anastasia, I'm not sure what I've done but whatever it is, I'm sorry."

I feel so bad, of course he doesn't know, I didn't tell him. This powerful man is apologizing even without knowing why, he cares about this relationship more than what I thought, maybe more than me.

"I'm sorry too, Christian, I was immature and impulsive, I overreacted again. I'm so sorry." I guess in our case the hard work is even harder.

He kisses me sweetly, gently biting my lower lip and I bite his upper lip. We're back and smiling. Taking my hand, he drags me through the foyer and the vast room he calls living room, we ended up in front of his grand piano.

"I owe you this. Sit with me, Anastasia."

He plays the piano beautifully, as usual, and even though I don't really understand what is going on I put my head on his shoulder and relax, letting the clouds go away. The melody is sad, but not as sad as the first night he played for me, I can notice the change.

All of a sudden he starts singing, breaking the silence with an astonishing melodic voice. I raise my head in surprise. _WOW_.

" _What would I do without your smart mouth?_

 _Drawing me in, and you kicking me out_

 _You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down."_

I recognize the song immediately, it's a love declaration, he's singing 'All of me'. Romantic Christian is the one sat here next to me, seriously romantic, dizzying romantic Christian. _I knew it_. I hope he doesn't ask me to marry him now because I'd say yes without even blinking.

" _What's going on in that beautiful mind_

 _I'm on your magical mystery ride."_

I hug him by his waist carefully, I don't want to interrupt him. He makes a pause without stop playing the piano to kiss my head, and with that kiss I switch, I'm out. Everything around us disappears, substituted by soft waves, pink, opal, and orange waves of light. We are floating in the middle of a sunrise. Nothing else, just the two of us and the piano. This's so beautiful, I don't want this to end, please God, please.

" _My head's under water_

 _But I'm breathing fine_

 _You're crazy and I'm out of my mind."_

I giggle. That's right, I'm crazy, especially at the moment. This song suits us perfectly and he knows it, that's why he chose it. I close my eyes, I don't care about the magical sunrise anymore, I just want to float through his voice, up and down on every note. Christian's voice is mystical, blurring the borders between reality and fantasy.

He finishes but we don't move. I'm now listening to the soothing sound of his steady breathing, his steady heartbeat.

"Anastasia?"

The waves move softly, everything around us transpires peace, like the water in the lake this morning.

"Anastasia."

 _Oh no, I abandoned him_. The colorful waves evaporate and I'm back to the fancy art gallery he calls home.

"Christian, that was so beautiful, thank you."

He smiles shyly and I move to sit on his lap, putting my arms around his neck. "Yay!"

His chuckle is my reward. Was I leaving fifteen minutes ago? _Yes, tell him_.

And I'm back to serious. "Christian, you are threatening my path."

"What?"

My change of subject was too brusque.

"Do you remember what I said on the plane? My question?"

He blinks confused, I said a lot of things on the plane.

"Why did I allow all that?"

Christian nods caressing my hair, it's calming.

"I have the answer to that question. Because I was dependent on him, because he erased most of my personality. It was really hard for me to recover the pieces of soul I lost there in that hell." I sigh deeply, this is hard to retell.

"When I saw all those elegant dresses you bought for me, I remembered my recovering process. I used to go to the stores to stare at the clothes for hours, trying to decide what I liked, what I wanted, not him but me." I look at his gray eyes, they are full of regret, he understands.

"You can't decide for me. Maybe they are just old pieces of fabric for you, but for me they are a lot more, they are my decisions, my personality, how I want to be perceived by the world."

I make a pause looking for the right words. "I don't want to be dependent on you, and you are forcing things to take me there. You are walking ahead of me, marking a path without even consulting me."

Taking his hand I kiss his knuckles. "I came back because I know that's not your intention. I'm sorry if I hurt you."

He grabs my head with both his hands.

"I should be the one apologizing. I understand what you are explaining, Anastasia, and maybe I need to do the same exercise, lately all I considered solid inside me is falling down."

Now I'm sure, to go to Aspen was the best we could have done this week. I'm happy I was there with him when _the mess_ turned everything upside down.

 _Ubiquity_ , I can see it clearly, I'm in two places at the same time. Part of me is walking alone, making my own path with my own footsteps; and part of me is walking with Christian, opening another path, together, that's what 'us' means in a relationship. The challenge is to keep the equilibrium between both walks. _How difficult!_ I hope we don't end up walking in circles.

…

Sat in my office I feel a strange current running through my body. And it's not because of this blue dress I have to wear until Mrs. Jones brings my clothes back from who knows where, it's something else. Something is different, what is it? Right, the order of the manuscripts, the ones I need to read were on the top of the pile, now they are on the bottom. Someone was here messing with my stuff!

I call Glen.

-"Glen, do you know if someone entered my office?"

+"No, Ana, I guess just the people from the cleaning service."

-"Who else has a key?"

+"Well, I have one, maybe Mrs. McGrath has another one, also…"

-"Wait. Who?"

+"Mrs. McGrath. That was her office until a couple of weeks ago."

 _Holy shit._

-"Her office?"

+"Yes. Mr. Grey wanted that office to be yours, it has the best view of the city."

Now I understand her jealousy, her rage, in some way I took possession of her space. She must be as territorial as I am. And she was right, I got this office because Christian had a non-professional relationship with me. _Had?_ Okay, has.

-"Thank you, Glen."

Ten minutes later I'm knocking at her door.

"Come in."

Mrs. McGrath sees me and opens her mouth perplexed. A second after that she is wearing a mask, now I'm kind of an expert in the matter, human masks, she doesn't want me to see how she feels about my visit. _Interesting_.

"Please, make yourself comfortable."

I sit and we stare at each other, hostility flowing between us.

"I'm leaving GEH, you will get your office back."

She straightens her shoulders and keeps the mask on. "Are you quitting?"

I smile amused. "No, I'm just moving out from this building… What were you looking for in the office?"

Her eyes wide and it's almost comical because of her style to use makeup, too much around her eyes. "I know it was you, McGrath."

The mask is gone, she looks older all of a sudden, tired. "I don't know. I guess something terrible that could get you fired."

"And what did you find?" I cock my head to one side smirking, I learned this gesture from Christian. _Oh, I miss him_.

"Nothing. Except that you are in the BDSM lifestyle. I saw the book."

"No, I'm not, but that's none of your business."

She smiles. "You think you will change him?"

Change him? Do I want to change him? Well, yes and not.

"Mrs. McGrath, the only person I want to change is you."

Her eyes widen again and a giggle escapes from my mouth. Next time I'll make a joke about her smokey-panda eyes, not the lipstick. "I'm sorry... What I mean is you need to change your attitude toward me if you want to keep your job in the company. The only reason you are still here is because I know you are a single mother of two, living from paycheck to paycheck."

She opens her mouth and closes it as the words fail to come. I stand up. "Next week will be my last week here, until then I'll use your office."

She nods, unable to speak. I walk to the door and while opening it, she manages to talk. "Thank you, Anastasia."

"Bye, Michelle."

Okay, what now? Right, SIP. I know Roach needs an assistant, he's old and sick and can't handle all the work he's expected to do. Elizabeth mentioned the position was vacant because he prefers to work alone, but he did say he'd accept me as an apprentice. That cynical, chauvinist man is going to be my new tutor, I'll work with him a year or two before deciding my next step.

...

...

...

...

-"All of me." John Legend, USA, 2013.


	35. The spider

Chap. 35 The spider

CPOV

The office looks smaller today, or is it bigger? Must be the effect of the 'time-out' and how unusual and necessary that was. Or maybe it's just the nonsense I'm getting from Ros right now.

"What do you mean the meeting was re-scheduled?"

"Just two hours Grey. Andrea knows it, she moved your other meetings, relax."

"Mm."

"I told her not to tell you since it wasn't an emergency."

Ros stands up and I notice a bump on her belly. "What the hell, Ros? Are you pregnant?"

She shows me a fanny pack while taking it off. "I forgot. Gwen made me wear this thing with some hideous stuff to quit smoking."

I try to hide my smile but it's almost impossible.

"Yeah, laugh while you can Grey, I told you it just gets worse. Those pretty blue eyes will demand more and more from you. One day you won't be able to recognize yourself in the fucking mirror anymore."

 _God, I think I'm already there_. The worst part is… I don't care!

Last evening was challenging for my nerves, in every sense. I now know she was serious when saying I need a warning about her period, it means she overthinks and overreacts, more than usual. I can't avoid a smile because it seems to be she also gets bold and curious. Deep inside she's such a carnal creature, and she's discovering it with me. I'm a lucky son of...

"About SIP."

 _Fuck_. "What?"

"There is another buyer. We've got competition."

"Good."

"Good?" She looks surprised.

"Yeah, I'm not sure about that acquisition yet, but I want to know everything; who, where, when. Everything about that buyer."

"Okay. Can I ask you a question?"

I look at her suspiciously, she never asks for permission, it must be personal.

"What?"

"What's with that beard, Grey?"

"Just trying it out." I stroke it defensively. "You like it?"

"Of course not!"

"Good, I don't want you to like it."

She smirks. "Ah, the beard is for blue eyes... We are so screwed, fanny packs, beards."

 _Get out of here, Ros_. "Don't forget to close the door. See you in a couple of hours." She gets the hint and leaves smirking.

I have a lot to read but I'm worried about Anastasia. She was quiet this morning, too quiet, and last evening was _difficult_ for her too. I make my way down to her office knowing I shouldn't. Ros is right, we are so screwed.

Her office is empty so I sit behind her desk to snoop into her drawers. _Mm, this book_. I remember when I read it, those crappy interviews, she shouldn't be reading this. Her desk is a mess, but an organized mess, there must be a system to understand it.

The door is suddenly open and there is my favorite pair of eyes in the world staring at me. Her face shows surprise, then amusement.

"Are you spying on me?"

"Maybe."

She sits on my lap to place soft, sweet kisses all over my face. I push her head away, looking at her. "Promise me you will not leave me again."

"Technically, I didn't le…"

"Promise me!"

She sighs and caresses my beard.

"Promise me you'll always take me into account when your decisions affect my life."

 _Mm, a condition, exasperating woman_. But it makes sense. "I do."

She beams at me and gets close to my ear. "I do."

Is she sending some hidden message? No, I don't think so, she said I have to wait a year to ask her again.

Then I see something on his forehead. "What is that, Anastasia?"

"What?"

I move her bangs, there is a zit. She covers it again, embarrassed. "Leave it alone. I always get one with my period, it will disappear in a couple of days."

"Why are you ashamed of that? It's normal."

"No, it's not, they are ugly and I won't discuss them with you."

She hides her head in the hollow of my neck, making me smile. It's charming and strangely arousing at the same time.

"Anastasia."

"Mhm."

"Look at me."

"No."

"Please."

There are my beautiful eyes. "You are wearing a dress." She closes her eyes blushing while I kiss her, trying to wake up her libido.

"But it would be a mess, I'm bleeding. And I have to go to SIP now." She caresses my hair. "I'll make up for it later."

"SIP? Why? They should be the ones coming here."

"I'd like to work on this project from there, to learn how they function. I still have to ask them but I think they will say yes, I'll work as Mr. Roach assistant for a while, after finishing my internship here of course."

She is leaving me after all. "I don't know Anastasia, I'd like to have you here until we define what to do about that man, this building has better security."

"I'll keep Prescott near me as long as it takes. Don't worry, Christian, I'll be fine."

She should know she needs a CPO not just because of that psycho, but because she is with me now. _Fucking Clayton_. I just want to kill him with my own hands, but I'm afraid of Anastasia's reaction if something goes wrong. I'll give her one week and that's it.

She frowns and I freeze. "What?"

"Remember. Do not buy SIP until we discuss alternatives. I'd like to get a job independently from you, although I know to be your girlfriend will affect everything, but it's not the same."

"It feels like if you were leaving me... somehow."

She snorts. "My inner cricket wouldn't let me."

"Your inner cricket? Your subconscious?" I smile. She already mentioned it, but it's still funny.

"Mhm."

"Did he make you come back yesterday?"

"Yes. 'She' is your fan. Well, most of the time."

I smile feeling happy, she is bound to me subconsciously as I'm to her, there is no escape.

"I want to thank her."

"What?"

My mouth next to her forehead makes her giggle. "Thank you cricket, for make her reconsider. I'd die without her, you know?"

She hugs me tightly. "Oh, Christian." I bury my face in her hair and inhale her sweet scent: autumn and apple trees, _my grandparents_. I miss them, she's still alive, I'd like her to meet Anastasia. I'm sure she'd be happy to see me with someone like her.

"I want you to meet my grandmother, Grace's mother."

"Of course, Christian, of course. We should go this weekend." She frowns again.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me." I insist.

"My clothes."

 _Her clothes!_ I never told Caroline to get rid of them, that was unnecessary. "I'm sorry about that… but I like this dress."

"Mm. I didn't choose it, that's the problem." She studies my face and smiles. "I'll keep it, the rest will go. Fortunately, I still have what I used in Aspen. I'll miss my light-blue dress, though."

"Which one?"

"The one that makes me look like a flower," she winks at me. "It was a reminder of a turning point in my life." Oh yes, the dress she was wearing when we visited my parents. _She's sentimental!_ She sighs and I feel guilty.

"You'll get it back. I'll move heaven and earth to get it back." _Because now I'm sentimental too_. "You'll get everything back."

"How did you do it, by the way?"

Change of subject, sometimes it's difficult to follow her complicated brain. "How did I do what?"

"You know, to make me… You know."

 _Oh, that_. "Anastasia, the blood that flows to the erotic zones of your body, a lot of it, comes from your head. The emotional part of your brain is much older and developed than the rational part, so when it's rightly stimulated it takes over."

She widens her eyes, I'm worried about what she's thinking. "It wasn't premeditated, I didn't lie to you, but once we were on it I used what I know."

"I'd like to know too."

What? Again with this nonsense? "You just have to follow your instincts, there is no fun in learning from an expert, trust me."

She scowls at me, then smirks. "But I had a lot of fun yesterday, learning from my favorite expert."

"That's right, me and nobody else." Leaning forward, I press my lips to her ear. "You were as eager as ever, and just to let you in on a little secret, so was I."

She giggles and hides her eyes in my neck again. I'd like to stay like this the whole day, holding my girl. It gives me so much peace of mind.

Suddenly I remember something. "My father's autumn party is in one month, it's an annual charity thing. I want you to come with me."

Her eyes widen and she looks scared. "What's wrong, Anastasia?"

"Maybe it's better if you go alone."

"That's not a possibility, either you come with me or I won't go." Another thing she needs to understand. "I know I'm a lot to take on but this's my life, Anastasia, and you are now sharing it with me."

"But Christian, I wouldn't know what to do."

"Nothing, just to be with me."

She closes her eyes. "Maybe I do need to change my wardrobe, but my choice, my style."

She'll need the credit card. _Finally_.

"I have enough, don't even think about it. Since we are together I've barely used my money, I checked my account last night, I've never had that much."

 _Shit, my face was too obvious_. "What you need for that party will be expensive, please, Anastasia." Reaching up, I tug her chin. "I know you don't want me for my money, don't let that limit you."

She blushes but the small v is still above her nose. "I'll think about it, I could have an alternative wardrobe and use those clothes as uniforms for the charity events and dinners. But still my choice, I'm not your shopper's Barbie. Okay? Get me an appointment with her."

I nod relieved. She's finally giving in a little.

"I need to go. Thanks for coming, Christian, I was missing you. I think we need therapy."

"No, we don't." I can't see her point on this one. "I want you next to me 24/7."

She rolls her eyes making me smile. "Intensive therapy."

…

Back in my office I smile stupidly, I feel better now that we are back to our abnormal normality.

Andrea buzzes me.

"Yes." I snap at her, I realize I'm mad at Andrea.

"Mrs. Lincoln wants to see you, sir. She's on the lobby downstairs."

 _Elena?_ What the hell? Wasn't I clear enough?

"Let her come up, Andrea. And next time Ros tells you not to inform me about something, remember who pays your salary."

She gasps. "I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again."

"Good. Send Mrs. Lincoln to the meeting room."

I won't receive her in my office, she won't ruin it.

...

Sat at the head of the table I watch her while walking in. Well groomed, dressed in black, she looks great as usual. _Mm, black_. I remember Anastasia's statement.

"Sit there." I point to the opposite side of the table.

"Christian, I just wanted to give you a proper hello." She purrs and continues her way toward me.

"Sit, Elena!" I shout at her.

Raising her eyebrows she sits. "I just wanted to see you, Christian. I'm worried about you."

"I told you I'm fine. I also told you to leave me alone."

She blinks at me. "I have a problem, and I need to talk to you about it."

I straighten up. "What is it?"

"Someone is following me." Elena looks nervously at me, it's true.

"Since when?"

She squirms in the chair. "I'm not sure, I noticed yesterday."

"Mm." Carrick needs to know he hired the wrong people, I should help him.

"Linc?"

"What, after all this time? I don't think so," she grumbles.

"I don't think there's a great deal I can do, Elena, I could ask Welch to investigate." If she accepts my help, she won't hire some private investigator.

"Please, Christian."

"I'll help you now, but I don't want to see you anymore. Next time you come here, they won't let you come up."

Elena watches me warily. I stay tightlipped and return her gaze, giving nothing away.

"Don't you miss them, Christian?"

"Them?"

"Your submissives."

I stop breathing to snap at her. "That really is none of your fucking business."

"Come on, Christian, we are friends, we can talk about this. Since when are you so sensitive?" She's scolding me, I need to be clear.

"And since when are you so stupid? Elena, what was between us is part of the past, now we have no relationship at all. You are not my friend, you are not my business partner, you are not family."

Narrowing her eyes she prepares her defense. "You are making a mistake."

 _Is she threatening me?_

"What do you mean?"

"That girl, she brings out your weakness. You are THE Christian Grey of this city for being strong… You used to be the master of your universe, controlled, driven, but be careful, right now you are nothing but weak." Elena should know better, I've made clear Anastasia is sacred to me.

I stand up, trying to contain my temper. "This meeting is over."

She continues her tirade. "You are not right for her, you have needs, issues. She is too innocent, she wants hearts and flowers and you don't do that shit." She whispers, knowing she is standing on dangerous ground.

"You don't know that." She really knows me but again, it's too late, two weeks ago that would have affected me, not today. Anastasia solved that already.

And there it is in front of me, the source of my beliefs, with the exact same words. Suddenly I feel pathetic, brainwashed by some harpy. What is mine and what is Elena's inside my head? I'm not sure anymore.

"I don't want to lose you."

"I'm not yours to lose, Elena." I snap again. What is her fucking problem? Why can't she understand?

"Just remember I'm here if you need me. I always will be." She stands up too.

Narrowing my eyes I hiss at her. "You are the one that needs to remember. You've never been there for me."

"And you think that girl is?" She smirks, shaking her long finger at me.

"She loves me." It gets out in a whisper, it's still hard for me to say it out loud.

"Love is for fools, Christian."

I snort in disbelieve. "No, I was a fool for accepting that, I was a fool for letting you get inside my head. If you don't know what that is, if you are incapable of feeling it, that's your fucking problem, not mine."

We stare at each other for a while.

"I'll ask Welch to sniff around. I'll let you know what he finds out."

There are tears on her face, crocodile tears, nothing moves inside me at the sight of them. She also used to say crying is for weak, but it's not her fault I can't cry.

I take my cell phone out of my pocket to call Taylor. He is here with us in a couple of seconds.

"Sir?"

"Make sure Mrs. Lincoln leaves the building." I don't want Elena snooping around.

I walk toward the door as indifferent as I can.

"Good bye, Elena."

In my office I check the time, I still have one hour. I should read our proposal, but it's hard to focus. _Carrick, I need to call him_.

-"Christian."

+"Elena was here."

He remains in silence to snap angrily.

-"What did we told you?"

+"She's sure someone is following her."

-"Fuck."

+"I told her I'd have my people on that, of course I'll mislead her… You need to be more careful, I'll send you the number of my security advisor… I don't know what you are after, but he will help you."

He remains in silence, I guess analyzing whether accept my help or not.

-"Thank you, son."

+"Bye, Dad."

I send him Welch number.

…

…

APOV

SIP went well, as I knew it would. I feel something close to satisfaction but I'm nervous too, it's a huge step. _Am I where I want to be? Is this what I want to do with my life?_ I guess there is just one way to find out… jumping.

Christian helped me since the beginning, all of a sudden I feel grateful. I want to buy something for him, a gift. But, what?

Prescott walks nervously behind me, it's not the same to walk on the street than to drive my car. She glances around us as if searching for something and I try to ignore her, it's unnerving. Then I see it, what I want for him. A butterfly inside a medium size corked bottle, it's resting on a blue origami flower, over a dozen stars surrounding them. So much work, so much love inside one little bottle, a corked bottle with a dark wooden base, perfect. I ask the owner to wrap it, feeling ready to go back to GEH. I'll give him my present right now, after that I'll search for the intense therapy I need. _Jeez, it's been just one and a half hour_.

My Lady Knight is still nervous, even though we are going back to the car.

"Prescott, did you go to Aspen with us?"

"Yes, I was working undercover."

 _Oh! How exciting._ She's talented, I didn't see her once.

"I used the dress."

"I know, I saw you, it suits you."

I smile. "Thank you."

…

In my office, I think on a message for Christian:

 _With love…_ No.

 _Thank you for everything…_ No.

Cricket, help me!

Nothing, she is quiet, my inner judge is in shock since Christian thanked her. _He's adorable_. Oh, there you are, he's mine, behave and help me with this note. _Your man, your note_. A jealous inner cricket is the worst, useless craziness.

 _A bottled promise for my butterfly: I will always be your rare and precious flower, all my stardust just for you. A._

My phone rings, it's Kate.

-"Kate!"

+"Hello Ana, it's been a long time."

I freeze and let the pen fall to the floor, cold waves running through my body. I hold the phone with both hands, they are shaking.

-"Paul."

+"You do remember me."

His tone is soft. I sense his bitter smile, his hideous smile. _Oh God, he has Kate's cell phone_.

-"Where is Kate?"

+"She's here with me, we are waiting for you."

-"What have you done?"

I whisper, trying to quell my fear.

+"Listen to me, Ana, if you are not here in half an hour you won't see her again. Tell no one or this little bitch gets it. Not the cops. Not your prick of a boyfriend. Not his security team. I will know if you do. Understand?"

He pauses and I try to respond, but panic and fear seal my throat.

+"You understand?"

-"Yes, where are you?"

+"Tick-tack, tick-tack."

-"WHERE?"

The line goes dead and I gape in horror at the phone. _Kate, he has Kate, my dearest friend, my sister_. I know where they are, at her apartment. I won't risk her, I can't risk her. _Oh, Kate_.

I get out of the office looking for Prescott, I can't think clearly but I need to look composed.

"Prescott. I need the manuscript that is in the trunk of the car, please."

She nods and leaves. As soon as the elevator door is close, I call the other elevator to go down to the Lobby, I need a cab.


	36. Stupidity

Chap. 36 Stupidity.

APOV

Ringing the doorbell I wait impatiently. _This is very stupid, you will end up on the bottom of some river, or lake, or both_. I raise an imaginary wall and that's it, the voice disappears. Of course, it's my mind, I should have known it would be that easy to put a stop to my subconscious.

I don't need smart advices now, my survival instincts will make me think this twice and I don't want my decisions to affect anybody else, especially Kate. I just hope he hasn't touched her yet. Christian was right, this could have been prevented if I wasn't such a coward, but I'll be the one paying for my mistake. Last time I was a coward, somebody else paid the prize.

The door buzzes and I head upstairs taking the steps two at a time. Breathless, I step into the apartment and freeze, he looks different, he has lost weight and his expression is dark. Four years ago he was a handsome young man, a jovial expression on his face most of the time. I realize I feel nothing, not even fear, I just want this to end, something cold running through my veins.

He has a gun, I should be careful.

"Where is she?"

"Ana, it's nice to see you too, you look well."

"Cut the crap, Paul, you have ten minutes before he's here with his security team, with the police. Where is she?" I don't want him nervous and anxious with the police outside shouting warnings at him, at least not while Kate is here.

He pales, he knows he's making a mistake, going too far. I'm not the lonely, helpless girl I was once and he knows it. _Then, why?_

"What is the difference? You told him and now he wants me dead. At least this way you are going with me."

I should tell Ray that even mental questions get awful answers.

"Is this your plan? To make me come here to kill me? I remember you smarter than that."

He chuckles and points to my pocket. "Fortunately, you are as stupid as I remember. Your cell phone." I put it slowly on the floor.

"Let's go."

"I won't move until you tell me where she is."

"One of the rooms. Don't worry, I don't like blond bitches."

"I know, but I want to see her."

"There." He points to the hall and walks carefully after me. The distance he's keeping between us tells me he knows I've been training all these years, I guess that won't be an advantage.

Kate is lying on 'my bed', her face covered in tears, a gag tied tightly around her head, her hands and legs tied together. I glare at Paul, always so unnecessarily cruel, but I feel better now that I know she'll be okay. Taylor will track my phone discovering Kate and releasing her. I need Paul and his gun out of the apartment, though.

I pull the door without shutting it, expecting them to find her quickly.

"What now?"

"You are coming with me."

We go down. Standing in front of an old white car, he opens the door.

"Get in."

He passes me a rope. "I want you to tie your legs together, above the ankles, wrap it round a few times." I do as I'm told because I'm not a ninja, this's not the moment to try anything, maybe later.

"Knit your hands together in front of you." I do as he asks and he binds my wrists together with some ugly, dirty tie, knotting it firmly and using the end of the rope that is restraining my legs to reinforce it. He tugs at the binding, it's secure. He then fastens my seatbelt, I can't move.

"Don't do anything stupid."

 _Stupid? More stupid than this?_ That's an impossible, but at least I'm the only one in danger. I sigh in relief, I can panic now.

And I do it, I panic, all my body shaking, I feel like fainting any second. Kate's maneuver helps me to keep breathing, I shouldn't faint, I need my five senses. The wall falls noisily inside my head releasing my primal instincts, they run wildly without knowing where to go, making me feel even worse.

 _Regret?_ No, there is no regret since Kate won't pay for my mistake. _What about Christian?_ He will get over this, he has no choice. _You promised_. I had no choice. I know I'd end up in some mental institution if I have to deal with more guilt, especially if it involves Kate. I'm not a hero, I'm just being selfish. _Any mental institution is better than Paul's hell._ Paul's hell doesn't include being responsible for my friend's 'severe trauma'.

He starts talking again, his voice is now soft and hoarse at the same time.

"I let you go, you know? You are alive because I allowed it, and this's how you pay me back?"

"I don't know what you are talking about." I stare at my tied wrists, they hurt.

"Of course you do. I've been looking for her… now I know where she is."

 _Leila!_ So he blames me and wants her too, he wants both his girls. "You are sick Paul, you need help."

"Yeah, I remember you used to say that all the time."

"Because it's true."

There is a pause, we are heading out of the city.

"Where are you taking me?"

"To get her back. Fred is already there."

Fred? Who is that? Right, his uncle. I'm not worried about Leila, I know the first thing Taylor will do is to check on her, to have security looking after her, hoping Paul shows up to caught him. Isn't she on the other side of the country? This will be a long trip.

"What are you planning to do with us?"

"I'm still not sure, but we'll have some fun together, it'll be like old times."

 _Paul's hell!_

It's like he's punched me in the stomach. A creeping cold fear grips my heart and my scalp prickles.

"It's not the same, Paul, you've kidnaped me this time. The police will be looking for us, I guess they already are."

He briefly glances at me and laughs; a strange, discordant sound that only feeds my anxiety.

"You think I don't know? I told you, Ana, wherever I'm going, you are coming with me."

 _Paul's hell!_

The thought makes me nauseous. No, I won't go to that _hell_ , maybe to the other one for doing what I'm about to do. I won't risk Paul getting away with this.

I close my eyes sending a message to Ray, to my mother, to Kate… a message to Christian.

 _Don't do it_. Shut up. _There is always a way out_. Always? You know the statistics, most of the victims all around the world are women or girls, and they didn't have a way out. I realize I've chosen a solitary, self-centered, and resigned battle all these years when I should have chosen action, confrontation. So many women out there raising their voices against abuse and I was quiet, only worried about my own misery, my own nightmares, choosing to be a lonely victim, his victim.

I guess they will think I'm choosing selfishly and stupidly again… they'll be right. _Don't do it_. With a blink I raise the wall again and stay quiet, gathering strength and patience, waiting for the right moment, planning my movements.

And there it is, a curve and a cliff over the sea. _Well, I did tell him that after freeing the butterfly, the owl-eyed fairy would fly toward the ocean_.

Raising my legs I allow my hands some movement, I grab the wheel and pull with all the strength I'm capable of, closing my eyes and waiting for the impact while hearing his screams. I fall away into a painful darkness hoping he's coming with me to the worst unimaginable hell.

…

…

CPOV

"Sir, the police found her."

I look at Taylor allowing myself some hope after what I can only describe as the worst hours of my life. We've been driving in circles all around the city because I couldn't stay in my office waiting for news.

"Where?"

"Virginia Mason hospital, she was rescued from a car accident a few hours ago."

 _A car accident?_ "Are they sure?"

"Yes, sir. Paul Clayton was with her."

"Let's go, Taylor."

While he's driving I call Welch, I need to know more.

-"Welch, what do you know about this car accident?"

+"Not much, she is in a medically induced coma to prevent brain injury. She had a severe head trauma. She was lucky, Clayton didn't make it to the hospital."

I call my mother without processing all the information Welch provided, right now all I'm worry about is Anastasia.

+"Christian, did you find her?"

-"Mom, she is at Virginia Mason, induced coma. How bad is it?"

She remains in silence, which makes me nervous.

+"That's uncommon, I need to know more before giving you my opinion. I'll meet you there, darling"

 _Uncommon, that's uncommon_. The word resonates inside my head with an agonizing echo. Anastasia is as uncommon as her state, so she will be fine. I know it, I hope it, she promised.

Looking up through the window of the car, I try to find Anastasia's stars to ask them to help her, to ask them for a drought of meteor showers. I need her here with me.


	37. Paths

**A/N** The last one... Thanks, it's been a pleasure.

Saludos y que estén bien.

Read you around.

...

Chap. 37 Paths.

APOV

The voices are familiar except for a couple of them, especially his. And he talks too much, like… all the time.

"Cricket, do you remember him?"

My own mythical animal, half cricket half woman, a _crickaur_ , looks at me with disapproval.

"No, but he's insane, like you."

"Maybe a boyfriend?"

"Or an obsessed creepy neighbor. Who knows? What I know is this, you two shouldn't reproduce."

"Oh, you are mean."

 _I miss you so much, Anastasia. Why haven't you woken up?_

It's been a while since I'm here, living inside my own mind as I've desired so many times before. Here I have peace, here no one judges me, or hurts me, or abandons me. You can't control that out there, where the ones you love sometimes walk away without even looking over their shoulders to check on you, they just… leave. Like my mother did.

Nevertheless I heard her voice once, she was here, she even cried. Ironic.

Oh, there he is.

 _I know Planet Ana is beautiful but come back to us, to me, please Anastasia_.

So he knows where I am. He knows me. Why can't I remember him?

"Do you remember the other one?"

"Of course cricket. Paul. I know he's rotting in hell, the voices told me."

"Can you please elaborate that differently, 'the voices told me' sounds pretty schizophrenic."

"You know you are actually a voice, don't you?"

"Don't insult me, I'm a lot more than that."

There is a cliff in front of the ocean in my personal wonderland, every time I hear his voice I go there and sit to listen. He talks to me about what is going on in the real world, the things he'd like to do with me, he even sang a couple of times. So corny and romantic… kind of oversweet. My type.

Last time he read me one of my stories. I recognized it immediately but the truth is I'm not interested in my inner world anymore, I spend most the time sat at the cliff's edge listening to him.

Oh no, I think I'm falling in love with him. Is that even possible?

There is Kate!

 _Ana, you've already shown me how much you love me, to the point of putting your own life in danger. So do it for me, come back my friend, we all need you, we all miss you_.

 _You're lying to yourself in there, those unicorns and rainbows are not real, the real shit is happening out here_. _And the elections will be soon, the world is counting on us for its survival. Wake up, please_.

Merciless as usual. I feel tempted, however I remember the fear, the nightmares, the frustration, the worries. No, I'm sick and tired of the real world.

"Coward."

"Cricket, why?"

"Coward. You are better than that."

"Always judging me."

"That's my job. You created me with that purpose."

"I… what?"

"You were little but wise enough to know that cowardice is never the answer to the many questions life poses. -Don't let me succumb when the going gets tough-, you said."

 _Anastasia_.

"Oh, there he is. See you later cricket."

 _It's been three weeks baby, the doctors say you should have awaken two weeks ago. I know you are scared but they are both gone, they can't hurt you anymore_.

They? What is he talking about?

 _The police found Frederick Clayton last night. He panicked and shot at them, the most stupid thing to do since there wasn't evidence against him, they just wanted to know his version. So now he's in jail._

But, I'm not here because of that.

 _Anastasia, the ocean has turned dark around you. Can't you see it? Just wake up, baby. I miss you. I love you._

'The ocean has turned dark…' What is that supposed to mean? It sounds familiar, like something I could have said, like something I actually said, a veiled promise.

The water changes its color, getting darker, and I start remembering. Over and over, the memories speed up as they play in my mind. I grab the back of my head with my hands hunching over in agonizing pain.

Shit, Christian! That's Christian's voice!

"Cricket, CRICKET!"

"Calm down, I'm here."

"What can I do? How do I go back?"

"You know what to do."

"You're worse than the damned Sphinx, stop with the riddles and tell me what to do."

"What you usually do when you know what you want."

"What? To jump? From the cliff? Couldn't you come up with something safer?"

"To pursue what you want is never exempt of risks."

"Darn philosophical crickaur."

She nods. "Don't forget about me."

"How could I? You are the vigilant I put in my mind foreseeing what I'd go through."

And with a last, quick look to my inner world, I jump without thinking it twice. I don't care anymore about the nightmares, the permanent stress, or my abandonment issues; all I care about is Christian and his sustained fight to get me back.

…

I open my eyes slowly in the clean, sterile environment of a hospital room; the horrible scent of disinfectant filling my nostrils. All my body aches as I notice I have tubes in and out my body making me feel uncomfortable.

And there he is, smiling nervously at me and pushing a button on the bedside.

"Welcome back, Anastasia."

I smile weakly while the world dips and blurs. A strange woman is talking to him.

"That's normal, she'll be alert for only a few minutes the first day, but will gradually stay awake for longer and longer periods. Be patient."

…

I want to see him but my body disobeys me. Though I try I cannot open my eyes, so I squeeze his hand.

"I'm here baby, take it easy. Dr. Bartley said you'll recover all your physical skills slowly, one by one."

I finally manage to open my eyes. This time, I get to see him better. He looks dreadful and has lost weight, his beard is now a mess. _My poor pirate_.

"Hi." I whisper.

"Hi."

"I…" I clear my throat. "I…"

"What is it, baby? What do you want?" He grasps my hand, squeezing it tightly. We are back to normal, more or less, he's preoccupied and I'm the one causing it.

I try to speak but my throat and mouth are so dry. I sigh annoyed.

"Don't worry, according to the doctors everything will be alright… you'll be fine."

"To run a marathon?" I croak. I don't know why I said that, I've been dreaming about running marathons with Christian and all of a sudden I'm worried about not having the possibility.

His eyes widen and he remains immobile for a couple of seconds, then I see something really strange, something new and scary and painful. There are tears in his eyes.

Something bad happened to him in a marathon, something traumatic. "Or not."

He smiles and hugs me carefully, there is an IV attached to my arm. "It's not that Anastasia, it's… I'm so happy you are back, I've missed you and your unexpectedness so much, for so many days."

 _Oh, Christian_.

Running my fingers through his soft hair, I fall asleep again, I'm so weak.

…

Five days later I feel a lot better. Everybody has marched in front of my bed letting me know their opinion about what I did. Keyword: STUPID. Obviously, Kate thinks different, she knows she could have died and all I did was to trade her life for mine.

"Christian, I'm sorry. I had to."

"No, that's not true, you could have told me. What you did was monumentally stupid. Bordering on insane."

There it's again, that word. His eyes blaze a bleak, chilling gray, he's mad. _I told you_. Cricket, where have you been? _Taking a nap, you're exhausting_.

I sigh and Christian closes his eyes regretting his outburst. He grasps my chin. "No more heroics, eh?"

I shake my head. Paul is dead, so… I guess I can promise this.

Oh, but the pedodator, that awful woman. What if I run into her again? I hate her so much that I could do something crazy. "I don't know about that Elena Lincoln. I want to murder her."

He smirks. "What have happened to you during these weeks? Where is my sweet Anastasia?"

I smile happily, he's being playful, he's more relaxed.

"Well, I guess you won't have that pleasure, she's in jail now. Carrick found incriminating evidence that she had seduced a few boys from the Youth Suicide Program she was supporting."

 _Outrageous_. She was taking advantage of vulnerable kids like she did with Christian. _The pedodator in action_. This means it wasn't just the grudge against the Trevelyan-Greys what made her act like she did, vulnerable kids awaken something evil inside that woman, good Carrick stopped her.

He looks at me, his eyes filled with what, pain? I grab his hand. "It's not your fault."

"I could have prevented it." He sighs.

I know exactly how he feels, I know everything about guilt. "You are still struggling, Christian. Don't be unfair to yourself by feeling that you allowed that." The road to recovery from abuse is long and full of obstacles, but he shouldn't walk through it alone. I understand him, I'm with him, we can help each other.

Mm, maybe I should go to planet Ana more often, good things happened while I was there. _Stupid thought_. Cricket, don't use that word, hard limit. Oh, that's a useful concept, a short way to send a long and categorical message.

The nurse enters the room. "Prepare to go to physiotherapy in five minutes."

"Let's go, Anastasia."

Suddenly I realize Christian hasn't left my side for one second. "Christian, your Company… What are you doing here?"

Christian snorts. "If you think for one moment I'm going to let you out of my sight, you are very much mistaken."

"But I'm fine."

He frowns and cocks his head to one side. "Maybe tomorrow. Don't worry, Ros is taking care of everything. I realize I don't need to obsess about every single detail. I can delegate from time to time."

I beam at him, that means vacations, soon. Although I have a lot of work to do. _Oh no, the manuscripts, I still have two more to read_.

"Relax, I negotiated a new deadline, March 15th." Right, his spooky ability to read my mind.

"That means I have to work for you until April." Now he's the one beaming. _Bastard_.

"Christian, did you know I was hearing you?"

Christian runs one hand through his hair in surprise. "I dared to hope. Did the ocean darken?"

I nod and he smiles. "Good. Your story made the trick then. Now I'm waiting for my hot chocolate, you said you'd come back to make me some."

He winks and I blush. _Mm, chocolate_.

"I miss this." He bites my little finger and I giggle, then stop suddenly as pain radiates through my head. Dr. Bartley said I have a linear skull fracture and it will take a few months to go back to normal, headaches will be common.

"I miss that too."

…

 _Three months later._

"Hey." Christian's voice calms me after my sudden awakening from a nightmare. He tenderly folds me into his arms, caressing my back. "You're safe now."

"Christian." My tears start to fall.

"Hush. I'm here." He strokes my hair and I weep into his neck, feeling so vulnerable and safe at the same time. Only him can provide the soothing feeling that allows me to go back to sleep.

This is my second nightmare after the whole Paul's debacle, and it's horrible. Dr. Greene assured me they will gradually disappear, or at least will be less and less frequent, but I know they won't ever really go away. It's okay, I have Christian now as he has me to avoid his own ever-haunting nightmares. They are just part of us like an arm or a leg is.

We both know firsthand what abuse is about, both violently marked in the very center of our souls, but the important thing is that we no longer allow that to define us as victims, no, we are survivors. Survivors that were able to accept that there is also love in this world, there is also hope and wonder determining the steps we make ahead, the steps that form our personal and collective paths.

 _The end._


End file.
